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Text of the page (random words):
ber 1 2014 was the great american holiday labor day you know the one where we celebrate work by not working anyway your mom and i were scheduled to go to the orem community hospital that night at 7 p m for mom to get some medicine that would help get her body ready for your to come out at this point you were being rather stubborn were 9 days late and we were more than ready to meet you that morning we attended the infamous onion days parade in payson with your grandma and grandpa moody and your three aunts later that day we went to tucanos with your aunt jazz and then went home and got ready to go to the hospital speeding to the hospital was all i could think about while we were driving i felt like maybe if i got there faster i d get to meet you sooner nonetheless you still weren t magically waiting for us in the hospital room when we arrived the nurses checked us into suite 16 the biggest labor suite the orem community offers and also had a great view of mt timpanogos we settled into our room and got ready for a long night awaiting 8 00 am the next morning when dr harward was going to come induce mom the nurse gave mom the medicine to help her body get ready and we started a movie aunt jazz took some pictures of mommy s big beautiful belly and decided to head back to our apartment until the next morning it was around 11 30 at night and mom started to get sleepy so i jumped up in bed to cuddle her and wait out the night you know that crazy excited feeling you get on christmas eve when you know santa is coming with all of your super awesome presents yeah pretty much that times 1 000 i was rubbing momma s belly thinking about how cozy you must have been in there considering you didn t ever want to come out when all of the sudden mom s water broke i got of the bed and we double checked to make sure we weren t crazy and sure enough mom s body kicked into gear a little earlier than planned we called the nurse still trying not to get our hopes up that you would come sooner than in the morning when she confirmed that it looked as though you had decided you were finally ready to come meet us i called aunt jazz and she rushed back over as she didn t want to miss a thing over the next few hours mom had some pretty strong contractions and she handled them like a champ she never complained rarely didn t have a smile on her face and kept talking about how excited she was to meet you if it was me having contractions i would have been rolling on the floor crying and yelling so i was rather impressed to say the least the nurse anesthetist was a little late coming in for the epidural because he had been in an emergency c section he was super nice although he did take a little longer than usual to get mom s epidural going because he was showing daddy how to do epidurals i think mom would have hit me when i asked him to show me if she knew how long it was going to take but again she never complained after he was done mom was able to relax a lot as she couldn t feel her contractions any more we rested and waited hoping you would decide to come sooner than later around 3 30 a m mom said she thought she could feel you coming down a little further we called the nurse and sure enough she could feel your head you were coming soon all of the sudden there was a new feeling in the room i think we finally started to realize that we were actually going to meet you up to this point it had felt like an event that was so far away it was hard to actually picture seeing you for the first time to envision where we would see you when and what it would feel like had been so obscure but was finally starting to come together as it was happening there were 4 of us in the room your perfect mother myself your aunt jazz and our amazing nurse 4 people that were privileged enough to be there in that room at the beginning of the most life changing and truly wonderful event i have ever had the honor of witnessing mom started pushing at 4 45 a m and you didn t hesitate whatsoever to slide right on down most first time moms have a rather long labor pushing for hours you and mom made quite the team as she only pushed for 15 or so before you decided to make your earthly debut words words serve many purposes communication from one person to another storytelling conveying our inner most feelings and emotions etc more often than not words suffice in getting our message across to another person or expressing how we feel tayzie blake seeing you for the first time words cannot and will not ever even start to adequately express the emotions i felt in my soul love peace joy happiness purpose bliss unity just some of the words i would choose to describe how i felt as you made your entrance however if our souls could somehow magically communicate and you could truly feel what i felt you would understand that those words do no justice describing how i felt upon meeting you you were perfect from the second we saw you and i promise you even when your 17 and you beg to differ we will always love you and never take you for granted i saw your head crowning and the nurse was still having mom push it was just the 4 of us still and we were surprised how quickly you were coming the nurse left for a few minutes to call dr harward and he said he would be over in 5 minutes well you didn t have 5 minutes and decided you were coming out ready or not mom wasn t even pushing in fact she was doing everything to keep you from coming out when you decided it was time your perfect little head slipped out and it was apparent right away that your lung were working just fine i knew rather quickly you were your mothers daughter the nurse had me pull the emergency cord in the wall to summon some back up no more than 30 seconds later we had 10 people in the room a bunch of nurses respiratory therapists pct s and no doctor you decided to come so quick that they didn t even have the delivery cart set up it was rather chaotic for a bit there no doctor a couple of nurses scrambling to get the cart set up you were screaming i was crying mom was asking repeatedly is she here yet aunt jazz was jumping around taking amazing pictures it couldn t have been a more perfect moment honestly perfection the charge nurse jumped in and took over your delivery she guided you right on out with no complication and on september 2 2014 at 5 34 a m you were officially here the very first thing the nurse did after she caught you was put you on mom s chest so she could hold you once again words aren t going to cut it as you may know getting you here was quite the process we tried for some time without any success and it started to take its toll the first 6 months weren t too stressful but after a year or so we started to get a little worried we saw dr gurtcheff at the infertility clinic did lots of tests and still had a hard time figuring out what was wrong around a year and half of trying unsuccessfully it got pretty tough why couldn t we have you what were we doing wrong and as upsetting as it was for me i promise you i have a very small true understanding of how rough it was for your mom she knew it wasn t her fault but she still felt like she was in some way or another a failure she felt like her body wasn t working and there was nothing she could do about it i can honestly say that some of the latter months when we were trying to get you here were by far the hardest months of our marriage i knew i was at my worst and i think it s safe to say i saw your mom at her worst as well so after all of that sadness heart ache and the feelings of inadequacy that i had witnessed your mother experience nothing brought more peace to my heart and soul than to see the woman i love more than anything in this whole world holding her perfect healthy and beautiful baby girl in her arms for the first time in fact i don t think i have ever been so happy for another human being as i was in that moment anyways after mom had been holding you for a minute or two the nurse handed me some scissors and i cut your cord another nurse whisked you away to the warmer where they made sure your lungs sounded fine although it still sounded like it cleaned you up and weighed you aunt jazz was still being a professional photographer and got tons of amazing pictures of you after they were done cleaning you up and making sure everything was working fine they wrapped you up in a blanket and handed you to me those dang words i m becoming more and more convinced they re good for nothing that was the first time that i noticed anyway that you had stopped crying since your head popped out you had the most peaceful presence about you and ahhh you were just perfect you were looking right at my face probably wondering what that nasty red thing was protruding off of my chin and i couldn t stop staring into your dreamy little eyes you were mine i made you a piece of me was you i would be lying if i said i had a decent recollection of what happened the rest of the day i don t know if it was because i hadn t slept in 30 hours or if it was because i was just so mesmerized by your presence the fact that you were actually here i do remember your grandpa gary came by to visit on his way to work around 7 00 am and i haven t seen him that happy in a long time he had been giving us a hard time about giving him a grand baby for a while and i think he was beyond content that he finally got to hold you i also remember your grandma sherry and aunts came by later to see you we had some family friends that came over to meet you and janae the newborn photographer came by with andrea to take lots of really cute pics of you i also remember that every single person that met you that day and even since has immediately fallen in love with you it could be that you re a sweet baby but it could also very well be that your mom and i made a pretty cute baby we re biased though tayzie if there is one thing i wish you could understand now and that i hope you will always remember is that your mom and i love you more than life itself we will do anything for you and will always have your back no matter what we wanted you so bad there were nights i remember we both laid in bed crying holding each other until we just fell asleep now there are nights where we lay in bed holding you smelling your sweet little head and thank god for the flawless blessing he has given us i love you your mom loves you you re going to do amazing things in this life and you will always have our support thanks for letting us be your parents thanks for being our perfect little one posted by anais at 3 11 pm 2 comments tuesday september 3 2013 dear future little one dear future little one i don t know your name i don t really know who you are where you are or when i ll get the chance to meet you i don t know why i can t have you hold you or sing you to sleep but i want to more than anything in the world i want to there seems to be a lot of things i don t know right now all i know when it comes to you is that i love you and my heart absolutely aches for you for the past 17 months i have dreamed about just holding you in april 2012 i remember being so excited to try to create you the first time when it could really even be possible and month after month i thought about it being the last time that i would experience living that month not being a mom i don t recall after the first few months feeling too discouraged honestly i didn t think you would come easy but i also didn t think i d go two more mother s days without getting to be a mom without getting to be your mom a week ago i turned 24 23 was supposed to be the age that i would have you for no reason other than all growing up 23 just always seemed like the year i would become a mom and last tuesday on the eve of my 24th birthday i remember lying sideways on the bed with chad listening to the full 7 minutes and 23 seconds of jimmy eat world s 23 and trying so hard to hold in my tears inevitably i let one or two squeeze out and roll down my cheeks no one else will know these lonely dreams no one else will know that part of me you ll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time what are you hoping for i m here i m now i m ready holding on tight don t give away the end the one thing that stays mine i don t think i d be able to document the roller coaster of emotions that i ve experienced day to day month to month as i ve hoped prayed and waited to learn that having you someday will be possible as i ve read and heard from friends and complete strangers sharing their journeys through baby making miscarriages and infertility i really just want you here now more than ever i want so badly to stop living vicariously through them and their ability to make that big announcement finding out and sharing the news that they are expecting a sweet little baby i m truly so happy for them and i just want that to be me and chad someday too i never thought i would ache so much to see a tiny plus sign on a plastic pee stick and i sometimes try to picture the pure joy and elation i will feel just like they do when that finally legitimately magically happens as more time has passed picturing all of that actually happening to me becomes more and more surreal that s one of the reasons i want to write this down i purely wish i took dance lessons so i could effectively punch dance out my rage kevin bacon style frustrations and the moments of heart wrenching pain i ve felt over the past year and a half from feeling like i have absolutely no control over making you happen instead of punch dancing i think the next best thing i can do is write it out i think writing this all down starting now will help me better cope with having to keep on waiting for the day i ll get to find out you re on your way to us and then maybe those nights when you re crying and i just want to sleep i will remember this aching i feel for you now and i ll squeeze you just a little bit tighter because you re my dream come true i want so badly to be saying remember when and holding you instead of another year from now reading this and still wondering when i m trying so hard to just be still i m trying so hard to swallow that lump in my throat that creeps up when i just want to cry i don t want anyone to know that sometimes i really ache this much i want to believe people when they say they think i m strong some days i think i am and then days like today happen my thoughts are consumed with wanting answers knowing i can t have them not yet anyway and my journey is constantly just trying to be okay with that not having the answers not knowing but still believing i was reading a blog today that had the scripture genesis 30 22 i ve honestly never read or even heard about it until today it probably just seems silly but it really gave me so much hope and god remembered rachel and god hearkened to her and opened her womb as much as the latter part would be just fantastic right about now i felt so much more touched and invigorated by the fir...