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learning to live again skip to main skip to sidebar learning to live again follow us as we learn to live with the loss of our sweet baby cameron who was born sleeping on july 31 2008 wednesday december 15 2010 so it s been awhile i apologize life has been hectic and i suppose as this wound somewhat heals over time i don t need my blog as much as i used to it was my crutch a lot of the time i guess i just sort of put it in the back of my mind cameron however is still alive as ever in my heart and mind there isn t a day that goes by that i don t think about my sweet little boy i don t cry near as much but there are those times where it still hits me and i shed quite a few tears in the office by myself holding his picture to my chest we re getting there though people still bring him up and friends let us know that they think about him us all of the time that means the world to me i ve always been so afraid that people will forget him because they never got the chance to truly meet him none of us did that s why i do the things i do for him it s my job as his mommy to keep his memory alive there are still times where i ll mention something about him whether it s his initials or something else and even members of my own family say huh then it clicks it kills me but i can t be upset with them i just say his name very matter of fact like and go on with what i was talking about the holidays are always a little harder christmas is his special day i think about him being 2 this year opening his presents and seeing the excitement in his little eyes all i can do is imagine though but if imagination is all i have left to see him in my life then i ll take it i ll picture him sliding down the stairs on his little butt the way allie does and running to the tree the way i m sure allie will and just staring in amazement not sure which present to rip at first i ll picture him sitting there admiring his new toys next to his brother and sister and i ll smile while doing so 3 posted by hollie at 11 44 pm 2 comments tuesday august 17 2010 cameron s garden and prayers cameron s garden is coming along i m so happy to finally be starting it we still have some stuff to clean up and a few more things to add but it s already beautiful everything he deserves it s also nice to know that i now have a spot to go if i need to have some alone time with cameron i always tried here at the house whether it be sitting on the couch or crouched down in front of where his urn sits but i couldn t concentrate too much going on i can t wait for the flowers to bloom and to see all of the beautiful butterflies flying around his little place we got the second blueberry bush planted and it looks great i picked the jersey species because they start blooming and popping berries around july 30 which was the closet to cameron s birthday out of all the species they had at the nursery the minute i saw that i made up my mind that that was the plant i wanted i ll get the pictures up tomorrow on a side note iwant to ask that you all say a prayer for my friend and her family her sister just lost her baby girl this past saturday little reese lived for just over a day before going to be with our lord my heart is breaking for them and it hurts to see my friend so heartbroken i m not really close at all with the parents but i know the hurt they re feeling and to see what they re going through just brings back everything from when we lost cameron just please keep them in your prayers and pray that god lends them his gentle hand to help them through such a hard time posted by hollie at 11 44 pm no comments saturday july 31 2010 what an amazing day i couldn t have asked for a better day for myself and for cameron i made it a point to smile and be happy today and i did it now there were points where my eyes did water a bit but for the most part i looked at today as a happy celebration of cam s little life and the imprint he has left on all of out hearts i smiled at how amazing my little boy is his balloon release was great and i know he was there with us the sun shown brighter than ever after the release and a monarch butterfly floated above us and follwed us for a few minutes as we were leaving i know it was a sign you don t see something that beautiful and meaningful for no reason especially after what we were doing happy 2nd birthday cameron you are oh so loved sweet pea i hope you had an amazing time today and smiled just as much as i did in this one a friend of mine pointed out that it looks like an angel behing the sun with the wings coming out on the right side and a hand reaching out on the left side this was right after the balloon release and also the same time the butterfly was flying around us sissy with cam s balloons it s hard to believe that last time she was there she was only 3 days old more to come as soon as i get them uploaded posted by hollie at 11 44 pm 1 comment friday july 30 2010 two years i remember this day like it was yesterday except it wasn t it was two years ago two years that have gone by too fast i still sleep with that green blanket every night things are getting easier as each month passes and as tomorrow comes i find myself a little anxious and with that ever too familiar feeling of being on the verge of tears however it s a little different this year there s a little bit more peace within me i think that s what everyone means when they say that time will make things easier every year that passes takes a little bit of the sting away i know our hearts will never fully mend but they will heal more and more as time goes by i look at my life now and as much as i hate what happened to us i can t imagine what we d be life had we not lost cameron it s changed me as a person my view on life my view on everything around me really it s changed our family it s part of who we are i never thought i d be a mother to an angel child but i am and i ve accepted that do i often wonder what it would be like if he was here of course and sometimes i ll even look at allie and think of her as cameron but then i look at her as her and i couldn t imagine that little stinker not being here with us she s here for a reason god knows it and cameron knows it and maybe one day i ll see it but for now i don t think about the reasons i just see my beautiful family and am thankful for everything we do have cameron blessed us with allie to shine some light back into our family and boy how brightly it shines i can t thank him enough for looking after each of us and taking care of us my sweet little cameron i miss you so much there s really not much more to say is there tomorrow is your 2nd birthday but you re not hear to celebrate with us but trust me sweet pea we will celebrate you the little life you had the amazing strength you showed and the way you taught me to live again we ll celebrate it all but more than anything we re just going to celebrate sweet little you i think about you constantly wondering what our lives would be like if you were here i ve said it before and i ll say it again i know you didn t get to be here for so long but i would rather have just a single second with you than not have you in my life at all i wish you were here with us in person but i m just thankful we get to have you in our hearts forever and always we wouldn t be the same without you we re a special kind of family now and that s ok i m blessed to have my three children and even though i don t have you here with me i m lucky that i have you to watch over us i m lucky that you re around us all of the time and i know i can talk to you whenever i miss you be it 3am or in the middle of the day when i m driving down the highway you re always there please let tomorrow be as easy on us as possible shine that light of yours on us just a little brighter than you usally do smile play and know that we love you so very much little man we ll be sending lots of balloons your way posted by hollie at 10 44 pm 3 comments thursday may 6 2010 i didn t miss these tears i ve cried for the first time in awhile tonight there s a part of me that just wants to surround myself in everything that is cameron right now i m yearning to feel closer to him i think that s the natural mommy thing to feel though we want to be close to our children and it s such a struggle inside our hearts to know that you can t be with one of them you can t hold them touch them comfort them kiss them etc and that s what kills the only two things i said through my tears were i love and miss you so much cameron and this just sucks pretty much sums it up posted by hollie at 11 29 pm 1 comment tuesday april 27 2010 when he was here do you ever find yourself looking at dates on pictures papers tickets etc and thinking to yourself my baby was still alive on that day i ran across a picture a few minutes ago and the date in the corner was 7 25 08 the first thing to go through my head was cam was still with us his little heart was still beating then my eyes watered it s those little things those little dates that give your heart a little jolt i ve been doing awesome lately though i only think fondly of cameron now does it still hurt of course but i smile more than ever now i talk to allie about him and show her things i know she doesn t understand yet but she will one day more than anything it just sucks it sucks that i can t have all 3 of them here it sucks that aiden and allie never got to meet their brother but a the same time i know it s ok because one day i ll have all 3 of my babies in my arms and they ll get to meet their brother posted by hollie at 12 45 pm 1 comment wednesday march 10 2010 as time goes by i feel as if i m losing touch with cameron in my heart i know that s not really possible but as the days pass and as our lives continue to move forward w out him it almost seems as if he s just a whisper in the wind i used to feel so connected to him i still do don t get me wrong but it s not as strong as it once was what does this mean i have no idea what i do know is that i love him with all of my heart and that my heart still aches for him so very much i think life is just really getting the best of me at times i feel so busy rushing around with aiden and allie so busy that at times i will go a long while w out thinking of cameron not a single day goes by that i don t think about him but it doesn t consume my mind like it used to i suppose time will do that i hate time i wish it would just stop but what good would that do i m just so afraid of going so long without him it ll be two years this summer two years and i still remember every bit of him every kick i ever felt every time he made me almost pee my pants i remember his tiny hands and feet that s the funny part about this time goes by and next thing i know it ll be 5 years without him but i will never forget the little things they re forever etched in my memory i m rambling and i probably don t make a damn bit of sense right now it s just so hard to put into words how i ve been feeling i feel guilt i feel anger i feel sorrow i feel my heart still breaking into a thousand pieces from time to time i try to let the love and happiness i have left outshine those other things but it takes so much out of me it s an internal struggle that i don t know i ll ever win i m so completely happy with my little family here at home and i can honestly say that i wouldn t give up anything heather and i were talking the other day and i told her that before i had allie i used to think that i would give up anything to have cameron back with me but after allie was born i realized that s not true i couldn t give her up ever it s that part of you that you want to say has almost come to peace with what has happened i don t want to say i m ok with what happened because what parent is ok with losing a child but i am ok do you get what i mean i told heather she would know what i mean as soon as she holds little ellie in her arms i don t know how to explain any of this right now it s late i m tired and my mind is slightly clouded i did want to share this though i can t remember for the life of me where i found it but i saved it because it makes me smile every time i read it they say that time in heaven is compared to the blink of an eye for us on this earth sometimes it helps me to think of my son running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies so happy and completely caught up in what he is doing that by the time he turns around to see if i m behind him i will be posted by hollie at 12 15 am 2 comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom cameron david born forever sleeping at 19 weeks july 31 2008 6 55pm 7 1oz 8 5 hollie view my complete profile our family blog our life as we know it cam s name in the australian sand cam s name in north carolina like a clown i put on a show the pain is real even if nobody knows and i m crying inside and nobody knows it but me blog archive 2010 9 december 1 so it s been awhile august 1 july 2 may 1 april 1 march 1 february 1 january 1 2009 54 december 2 november 2 october 5 september 2 august 3 july 7 june 2 may 4 april 11 march 6 february 6 january 4 2008 71 december 6 november 8 october 14 september 19 august 24 my blog list sometimes as it seems ️ télécharger movie title in loving memory of tristan alexander goodwin the end of the road missing our little peach living room with fireplace design ideas living without brenna and then there were two j and k still here lily s mommy forever after all this time kayleigh s story happy 5th birthday kayleigh remembering shannon elizabeth 5 years gone our simple kind of life oursimplekindoflife the payne family jandkpaynefamily pregnant after stillbirth one year ago today lilly and lloyd video test daniel wade finn hygeia foundation life after ada memories makenna hope reflections motherhood the sequel i want to know why bye boston hi cincinnati oops it s may life without caden creme de la creme new space miscarriage stillbirth and infant loss blog directory new blogs submitted my life 37 week appointment angels brielle and natalie its been awhile we lost our precious baby boy i started a new blog to write their names in the sand baby mac empty arms the next chapter show 25 show all