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Text of the page (random words):
past few years she wanted to go with me but i convinced her not to i called my sister in law while i was driving she told me to go to the hospital i did but i was so scared i alternated crying and talking to my granny begging her to let him be ok i don t pray anymore but i do talk to my granny on the way to hospital someone not even sure now who calls me to tell me he has a good pulse and heartbeat i feel better as i m getting out of my van my mom calls me back and says they are lifeflighting him to vanderbilt i get out of my van and run and running is not something i do easily into the hospital i was too late they already had him on the helicoptor my mom aunt and cousin came in a bit later they had been at water aerobics and were in the emergency room in their bathing suits we decided to go home let them get changed and me say goodbye to the girls before going up there we also had to take my nephew to brian before we could go all the way to nashville i cried and talked to granny again growing up my brother and i were very close my stepdad favored my half sister and my mom didn t do anything to stop him really it always felt like me and him against the world he even lived with brian and i for a few years after we got married we get to the hospital and it s bad he is on the ventilator and was non responsive he was posturing which the nurse said was the final stage of brain damage i got to go see him he looked horrible and it made me sob i found out more about what happened he gave his wife a kiss and told her goodbye she wanted to know why goodbye and he shook his head he went out back and she walked to the house as she was going up the stairs she turned to look behind her and saw him kick the cooler he was standing on out from underneath him she went running calling 911 as she went she shut the door to the shed to keep their boys from seeing but her seven year old and his friend peeked in the window and saw i hate that my nephew saw his daddy like that i hate that his friend had to see it my sister in law kept holding him up but as he weighs 180 pounds she had trouble by the time the police and the paramedics arrived he was dead they brought him back around but he was without oxygen for a while our cousin was one of the police officers who responded i don t really know how he is today to be honest they had him sedated because of the posturing from last night and they tried to remove it as he came back up from the sedation he became agitated and had to be sedated again before being sedated again he was breathing at 60 percent on his own but the rest was the ventilator the neurological team views the agitation as a good sign they did say he could walk out without any problems but he could also be like he is now forever he is responding but most of them are reflex responses so we don t really know if he is or not my mom seems to think he is i don t know what to think or what to do i just know my heart is breaking for my brother my partner against the world as a child i don t want to lose him but he would not want to be hooked to machines for the rest of his life my sister in law said they had discussed it and he would want to be removed from the machines if my mom thought there was a chance for him at all even if the doctors tell her otherwise she will fight it tooth and nail i don t know where to stand we will know more tomorrow after he has his brain wave activity scan done my family prays they are all christians i am not sure what i am but i don t feel like a hypocrit asking for prayers since they all believe i just want your positive thoughts posted by mrs mother at 12 02 am 10 comments thursday october 14 2010 pregnancy and infant loss awareness day tomorrow is oct 15 pregnancy and infant loss awareness day at 7 p m people all over the world will light candles in remembrance creating a wave of light i would love it if you could light one for jenna i never realized how much losing a baby would change your life i knew it would hurt but i never thought it would make me a completely different person i never knew i would think about it every single day i never realized i would think about jenna every day for the rest of my life i didn t think it was something you would get over but i didn t think it would affect you like losing a child who has lived outside the womb while i can never compare my loss to the loss of a living breathing child i think having a stillborn baby carries with it its own unique type of grief we have no memories we never saw them smile we only got to hold them for a few minutes the only pictures we have are a few taken at the hospital those things make having a stillborn baby a unique type of grief someday if i can get through school i hope to help women and families going through that unique grief if you know someone who has lost a baby either through miscarriage stillbirth or infancy please leave me a comment i will remember them as i am lighting my candles tomorrow night posted by mrs mother at 8 37 pm 3 comments saturday september 18 2010 co ed sleepovers or camping trips tessa s best friend is a little boy who is a grade ahead of her in school i am very good friends with his mom in fact i now consider her one of my best friends they live in the neighborhood and we see them every single day this friend who i will call e is the one who is going camping with brian and tessa some of my family members and a few of my friends have expressed concern about the two of them sleeping in the same tent i think this is crazy they are seven and eight for goodness sakes tessa has spent the night at his house and he has here too they are together just about every single day but definitely every day after school they ride the bus home together and play until dark he calls my mom nana they are actually more like cousins than best friends people have expressed concern about this they said kids know more today than they did years ago so they shouldn t be having sleepovers together i think it s a bit sad and maybe even a little sick to give sexual connotations to innocent children s fun maybe i am the crazy one though would you let your seven year old have a sleepover with someone of the opposite sex if they were 12 or 13 i would definitely not allow it but i don t have any problem with it at this age posted by mrs mother at 8 52 pm 3 comments time you ain t no friend of mine i need more hours in the day twenty four just isn t enough between 16 hours of classes homework housework taking care of two girls i feel like i never have enough time for anything brian is taking tessa and a friend camping this weekend i have two power point presentations due to monday night plus a major test monday too so ella and i are at home while they camp i hope i can get it all done i know it s just for two more semesters and then i will be done with my bachelor s degree i can handle it for that long parking is getting better now that some have dropped classes or are skipping i love the classes i m taking too i just wish i had more time speaking of time i can t believe how fast it s going by ella turned 10 months old yesterday in two more months my baby will be one i know i will be bawling my eyes out that day posted by mrs mother at 7 19 am 1 comment wednesday september 1 2010 back to school saturday was my first time in a classroom as a student in 12 years i was excited and nervous that class was great it was foundations of mental health counseling and it is actually a undergraduate graduate class which means it has some students who are undergraduates and some who are graduate students we learned what we will have to do in order to become counselors and a brief history of the field i had no trouble parking i was more nervous about monday in fact i was so nervous i was sick to my stomach all weekend i was afraid of not finding parking and not finding my way to class but i left the house at 7 30 a m found parking in the first lot i went to and was early for my class it is sociology of families i had this teacher last semester and i loved that class it was online though so i had never met her in person my night class was at 6 p m and of course i had no problem finding parking that class was behavioral modification and i know it s going to be interesting today i left at the same time but had to stop for gas this put me a little behind and i had to go to three parking lots before i found a space it wasn t that much farther away than my first choice so it was ok i made it in plenty of time and was able to re read some of the article assignments for the class i absolutely love this one this teacher is fabulous and i can t wait to dissect societal norms for what makes a family i have just gotten started the last few days with my online classes and i think they will be interesting too i still hate parking but i am glad i took some on campus classes this fall i think i m going to like interacting with the students and the teacher posted by mrs mother at 5 35 pm 1 comment friday august 27 2010 you ve been through worse i have been texting my friend and my cousin all week about mtsu s parking they both attended there and my friend is currently pursuing her master s degree yesterday i went to buy my books and asked about the parking lot where i want to park and was told it fills up by 7 30 a m yeah right i have a kid to get to school there s no way i can get there that early after i texted my cousin about another spot she called me she told me i was worrying too much about parking and overthinking it she said it would be hard for the first two weeks and after that people would start dropping classes it would be easier to find a parking spot then then she totally summed it up for me she said you ve been through worse you can do this she s right she totally put it in perspective for me i have been through worse i made it through that and i can make it through finding a parking space and finding my way to class tomorrow is my first day and i know i will be able to find parking on a saturday i m looking forward to this class because of it s foundations of mental health counseling and that s what i want to do when i finish school i also have to admit i m a bit nervous to be 33 years old in a classroom full of kids please wish me luck i know i ll be fine tomorrow but the panic is still there about monday i am just trying to remember that i have been through worse and if i can get through that i can get through this posted by mrs mother at 9 02 pm 3 comments tuesday august 24 2010 ella s insurance issues are fixed yesterday we received ella s insurance cards in the mail i have been fighting to get her covered since the day before she was born last november my husband s job pays pretty well but the benefits stink it doesn t offer insurance for family members just the employees so the girls and i can t get on it our state offers a program called cover kids for children a year old and older the income range for free coverage is 21 000 to 55 000 i think this is wonderful because so many people fall into this income bracket and can get good health care coverage for their children if your child is under a year old the income bracket is 40 000 to 55 000 what i also like about this program is that it s mostly for people who are middle class who work really hard and pay taxes but find it difficult to get help when they need it because they make too much money and if someone says anything about government assistance and them paying for our healthcare i can pull out our tax return and show exactly how much we paid in taxes last year and the year before i hate talking about how much we make but we do make over 40 000 a year when i signed ella up i was nervous about being induced as i was doing it just a few hours before i was to go into the hospital i looked at brian s paycheck stub wrong and put down his take home pay instead of his gross pay the insurance company would not do anything though until i received ella s social security number which took almost two months so i put her number in and at the end of january i find out we didn t make enough money for her to be under cover kids they said she was eligible for tenncare our state s version of medicaid so i go and apply for tenncare they told me then they thought i would probably not be eligible based on brian s pay a few weeks later we get a letter telling us exactly that at this point i m wondering why we aren t eligible for either one i decide to do some investigation and in mid april i figured out my mistake i corrected it in the computer and waited for a response nothing came i called in may and they told me that since they had just opened up re enrollment that it would take a while to get back to me but they would eventually so i waited and waited i paid out of pocket for medical expenses ella became sick in july with the adenovirus and had an ear infection it was only 85 but i knew something else might happen my patience with the people at cover kids was running thin and i thought i had waited long enough they checked their records and said i was supposed to be told to provide proof of income in all of the phone calls i made no one ever told me that i never got a letter nothing at all so i faxed a paycheck stub to them and waited however just about two weeks after the adenovirus ella was sick again very sick she had a very high fever of nearly 104 but her ears weren t infected her throat wasn t red either her doctor wanted blood work a shot of massive antibiotics and a urine sample which would require her to be catharized he wanted to rule out sepsis i was worried to death about the costs because he was sending us over to the hospital i knew it would be a huge bill without insurance however i wasn t worried about her getting treatment because it was a hospital and they are required to treat right nope wrong they demanded full payment up front and gave me a rough estimate of 400 to 700 it would have taken everything i had in liquid cash to pay that and i would have had to go to two banks to get enough out of savings to cover it we are building our savings back up after emptying it to buy a car in february but it s slow going right now well i complained my mom was there and was awful about it and they allowed me to make a 150 down payment luckily ella just had a bad virus and it had to run its course i was not willing to risk this happening again so i called cover kids the next day to find out what was going on they said they had received the paycheck stub and was processing it i would hear something in the next week well the next week came and nothing i called last week and was told that since it had been a month since i had enrolled her i would have to re enroll her i was furious but at least she will have coverage starting september 1 as anyone who has read this blog for any length of time knows i am pro universal heatlth care even after all of this hassle i still feel that way tessa has been on c...