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Text of the page (random words):
stand standing at the hospital with her when she got discharged was horrific empty arms again there is a sadness in me that s always here i m afraid it will never leave this baby was my chance at a rainbow i was going to quit my job and take care of him while she worked i went to her baby shower the first shower i ve went to in 7 years i was so excited to meet this baby and when he died a piece of me went with him i didn t think it was possible for a heart to break twice it is and the second time hurt worse than the first add to the fact that less than three weeks later my friend lost her baby in the same freak way i lost mine one in a million chance and it happened to me then it happened to her when i heard the news i literally felt like god was punishing me was i bad luck or something why was this happening to people i loved this christmas was so hard it was nothing like we envisioned i tried to be festive for the rest of my family but really i just felt like laying in bed all day my brother and his wife are amazing they could have let this break them it took 10 years for her to get pregnant with this baby and they lost him the day before he was scheduled to be born it was a cosmic slap in the face they are broken but they didn t let this break them i m in awe of them everyday i don t know what the future holds my sister in law and i were close before but we ve grown a million times closer these past few months we ve traveled together my husband and i understand if she needs to take a moment we get it if we see a baby boy we know the pain we know to avoid the baby isle in stores we know how painful hearing his name is all the things that we have learned a long the way we now know that they are experiencing i hope it s comforting for them to have someone who understands what they are going through i never thought i d be writing in this blog again it just seems so so unfair no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday august 12 2013 sacred it s been so long since i ve written here i literally forgot how to post something on blogger this used to be my safe place where i went to vent my frustrations to the world this is how i kept myself sane how i bounced back and became normal again i feel like this is a sacred space and in a way writing right now feels like visiting an old friend truth be told i had to step away from blogging for awhile i had to step away from the entire baby loss community because it s so easy to get caught up in it that sometimes it s hard to get out of it i m not sure if that makes sense but that s how it was for me sometimes instead of kind words and affirmations we need to hear that we are being ridiculous or overly sensitive and someone needs to tell us we need to put our big girl panties on you don t hear that much in the baby loss community maybe we should i m keeping this blog up here for all of you who have suffered a loss and found your way here i promise you it does get easier i plan on still blogging so if you are interested shoot me an email and i will send you a link it s going to be anonymous so i don t want to post a link here since too many people who know me in real life have this link i ve come here for the past five years this has been my space i feel like i m saying goodbye to an old friend who i will never see again just typing here is taking me back to five years ago and that s not a good place to be so i know it s time for me to move on so thank you thank you thank you i would not be where i am today without this space to come to i am eternally grateful to my brenna girl my life has never been the same since the day you left me kiss big grandma and papa for me i m so happy you have each other up there 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest saturday june 23 2012 interchangeable miscarriage and stillbirth are not interchangeable terms nothing irritates me more than when i hear someone describe a full term stillbirth as a miscarriage especially when a woman says it while one is not necessarily more pleasant than the other to those who are not part of this life it seems that calling a loss a miscarriage is their way of glossing over the horror that is a stillbirth it is horrible probably the most horrific thing one could ever experience imagine having a dead person inside of you imagine having to endure hours of physical pain to deliver a child you know is already dead it is unimaginable to most people i was lucky enough to be spared many of the horrors of stillbirth i was unconscious when my dead child was delivered but i still bear the scars from my experience maybe that is why even now more than four years after my daughter died and was born i still feel my pulse raise when i read something that insults those of us who have suffered a stillbirth there has been a shit storm here in michigan because two female legislators dared say the word vagina on the house floor the whole thing is ridiculous and actually embarrassing to our state while i was reading a column about this issue i was surprised disappointed to read this i underlined the offending passage the bill that passed the house last week would shut down most abortion providers in the state but the gop leadership tabled other legislation that outlawed abortion past 20 weeks which could mean mothers who miscarry would have to deliver a stillborn baby would you believe a woman wrote this i wrote the author a scathing note which she has yet to rely to part of my note said for the record a miscarriage is defined as a spontaneous loss of a fetus before the 20th week of pregnancy a pregnancy loss after the 20th week is called a preterm delivery miscarried and stillborn are not interchangeable terms a woman who miscarries has options for delivery even under the proposed legislation because a miscarriage happens before the 20th week a women who experiences neonatal death after the 20th week of pregnancy will always have to deliver her child and i ended it with you are a woman and a mother you should know all of this i don t agree with this legislation but not presenting the facts correctly does nothing to help our cause maybe i was overreacting but i don t think so thousands of people read this column and they are reading this and are lead to think that miscarriage and stillborn are the same thing when in fact they are very different they are both horrible but different 5 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday june 11 2012 taboo the subject of dead babies is a taboo subject for the most part it s not something you talk about at parties it makes people uncomfortable that is why the baby loss community has become a community in the first place people mostly women who can get together and talk about their babies and their feelings and have people understand it s important it was a huge part of my journey to healing i am starting to feel like i don t belong in that community anymore i ve felt that way for quite some time but i feel it even more so lately there are taboo subjects even in the baby loss world we only support each other speaking against another mother is strictly forbidden i can t believe i m even going to say this it will probably get me thrown out of the club but i think some of the baby loss moms are wrong if you ve lost two or three children to the same fatal genetic disease i will feel bad for you but not as bad as i did the first time if you show pictures of your dead child at your husband s work party i don t blame him for getting upset if you get mad because your mother in law didn t buy your dead child a christmas present i think you are being ridiculous if you go ballistic on an old friend because they don t celebrate your dead child s angelversary i think you are wrong when a new acquaintance asks you how many kids you have you are not betraying your dead child if you don t include them in the count men grieve differently than women it s not fair to be mad at your husband because he doesn t grieve the way you want you are not betraying your child s memory if you are now happy with your life you deserve to be happy whether your child is here or not i think parents especially mothers tend to be oversensitive when it comes to our kids since our babies aren t here we have a tendency to be hypersensitive over and over again i hear about friendships lost or family relationships strained because someone said or did something that a deadbabymama didn t like or because they didn t say or do something that the mama wanted here s the thing there is not handbook on this situation most people don t know what to say they are probably afraid of making you cry they don t want to hurt you so they mostly do nothing that doesn t mean they don t care yes it s hurtful but you flying off the handle about it only make a bad situation worse your mother in law may never buy your dead child a christmas present why does it matter i m sorry that your child is dead but buying them gifts doesn t make them alive it also doesn t mean that your mother in law didn t love her grandchild maybe it just means she doesn t see the sense in buying something for someone who can t use it we all want to acknowledge our children since they were here only a short time the only way people will know about them is if we tell them i get that i really do but there is a time and place for everything pulling out pictures of your dead child at your husband s office party is not appropriate ever first of all it s a party and nothing halts a celebration like dead babies second of all it s his place of employment these are his people if he wants to share pictures of his child with them he will it s not your place and he has every right to be upset you have a right to be happy just because your baby isn t here doesn t mean your life has to stop yes it s shitty it s especially hard in the beginning but you are not required to stay miserable for the rest of your life you will always miss your baby but being happy and moving on doesn t mean that you love them any less you are not betraying their memory get out of your grief it s the only way you can move on with your life men and women are different your husband may not want to talk about the baby much and that s ok you can t get mad at him because of how he s grieving his loss he suffered a loss too it s not fair to tell him that he s doing it wrong think of how angry you get when people tell you that you aren t getting over it fast enough now what if they insinuated that you didn t love your baby because you get over it too fast just because he doesn t externalize your loss doesn t mean he isn t hurting you badgering him is only going to drive him further away i m not perfect i know everyone is different but i see the same thing over and over again and it just makes me crazy of course i would never tell anyone these things unless they specifically asked me because we are there to support each other maybe if we could say these things to each other instead of just telling each other how right we are maybe then we could really help each other but for now saying these things is taboo in the baby loss community 22 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest friday may 4 2012 this poor blog this poor blog has been very neglected last year i was posting everyday but lately it seems i can t focus my semester from hell is over i overextended myself and let s just say my 4 0 gpa is no more oh well at least it s over i didn t take the job it paid very well and i liked the company but i m still under a non compete contract with my former employer and he won t let me out of it i have 7 more months sorry this is such a lame update but it s late and the best i can do for tonight i will have something with more substance next time promise 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest thursday april 12 2012 decisions decisions i ve written before that i was laid off by a nightmare of a boss last year i ve been going to school and have one semester left until i graduate a few days ago someone from my field a competitor of my old company contacted me and asked me to apply for a position at their company this is a great fit for me and i really liked the people the problem is that my son goes to a private school and we carpool his school is an 45 minutes north east of our house and this position is a half hour south no where near the school my mom has volunteered to drive carpool at least once a week for me which helps but we are expected to drive a couple times a week right now i drive my son to school twice a week in the mornings no carpool just me and him those are my favorite mornings and it makes my heart hurt when i think about not spending those days with him anymore many times we don t even talk much but when your 15 year old spends any amount of time with you you learn to cherish it of course i ll still have the 15 minutes each morning that we drive to carpool but it s not the same my husband and i also want to start our own business and this job would not allow for that i m just so torn what to do i would be making about 25 more than i made at my old job decisions decisions no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday february 27 2012 hello blog my old friend no i have not abandoned you i just haven t had the time to write college has me writing typing til my fingers bleed and i guess i ve been suffering from some serious writers block these past few weeks i ve been thinking a lot about lily furneaux who i ve mentioned on my blog before the trial for her murder started two weeks ago the jury begins deliberations today i went to the trial one day and it was horribly painful there is so much i want to talk about you can read about the drama surrounding the trial here here and here but i don t want to jeopardize the case in any way so i m going to stay silent until the verdict comes in until then please take a moment to join justice for lily edited to add her murderer has been found guilty on all charges 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest older posts home subscribe to posts atom a to z challenge next blog surprise me get the button code grab my badge follow this blog i m twittering follow me on twitter b s mom united states i started this blog after the stillbirth of my miracle baby i m a wife mom step mom grandma sister friend and work in a male dominated field we all have a story and this is mine view my complete profile i prayed for this child and the lord answered my prayer and gave her to me now i give her back to the lord she will belong to the lord all her life samuel 1 27 28 a to z challenge 24 deals 1 favorite post 3 how i got here 1 what s cookin 4 blog archive 2014 1 december 1 and then there were two 2013 1 august 1 2012 6 june 2 may 1 april...