Meta tags:

Headings (most frequently used words):

2017, 2016, sunday, september, january, wednesday, december, adrian, blog, trying, to, second, line, 17, saturday, 16, monday, 28, 18, august, 10, daniel, emma, archive, my, list, about, me, total, pageviews, hair, versus, life, ttcb, come, back, remembering, travelling, with, kids, today, was, hard, homebody, write, another, bone, hits, the, dust,

Text of the page (most frequently used words):
the (142), and (105), that (87), for (36), not (31), time (29), have (27), with (25), was (22), day (22), kids (20), life (19), this (19), had (18), about (17), you (16), but (15), hair (14), would (14), blog (13), are (13), good (13), all (13), like (13), what (12), they (12), then (11), them (11), which (11), writing (11), emma (10), one (10), more (10), two (10), out (10), get (9), #september (9), january (9), there (9), through (9), can (9), who (8), mrsh (8), december (8), back (8), home (8), another (8), has (8), again (8), going (8), things (8), think (8), being (8), feel (8), security (8), adrian (7), now (7), little (7), come (7), comments (7), posted (7), just (7), from (7), given (7), every (7), much (7), told (7), second (7), need (6), may (6), after (6), october (6), november (6), off (6), however (6), know (6), will (6), your (6), start (6), when (6), how (6), love (6), airport (6), line (6), first (5), lived (5), february (5), march (5), april (5), july (5), august (5), trying (5), versus (5), daniel (5), posts (5), days (5), still (5), bone (5), water (5), might (5), whether (5), way (5), something (5), does (5), yes (5), their (5), make (5), most (5), here (5), hard (5), any (5), since (5), said (5), should (5), our (5), really (5), minutes (5), son (4), got (4), cerclage (4), due (4), baby (4), four (4), full (4), diary (4), june (4), 2016 (4), 2017 (4), doing (4), other (4), even (4), during (4), only (4), down (4), hand (4), finger (4), while (4), broken (4), once (4), went (4), sure (4), take (4), god (4), break (4), next (4), working (4), because (4), indoors (4), write (4), someone (4), long (4), today (4), very (4), nothing (4), did (4), end (4), work (4), always (4), mother (4), mom (4), without (4), fact (4), number (4), children (4), feeling (4), simple (3), infertility (3), pregnant (3), weeks (3), less (3), around (3), well (3), lots (3), took (3), times (3), shoe (3), looked (3), pair (3), her (3), right (3), foot (3), balance (3), great (3), thinking (3), husband (3), lot (3), fingers (3), let (3), injury (3), some (3), see (3), thought (3), until (3), bit (3), don (3), why (3), activities (3), run (3), several (3), could (3), machine (3), short (3), takes (3), too (3), whole (3), feels (3), inside (3), different (3), staying (3), also (3), eye (3), course (3), remember (3), gives (3), both (3), were (3), job (3), probably (3), waiting (3), swabbed (3), screened (3), bottles (3), guy (3), lineup (3), asked (3), travelling (3), question (3), call (3), lack (3), feelings (3), past (3), live (3), present (3), reading (3), perspective (3), simply (3), curly (3), blogger (2), total (2), ivf (2), lost (2), born (2), transabdominal (2), daughter (2), section (2), knows (2), names (2), month (2), mine (2), arms (2), heart (2), eight (2), birthday (2), party (2), bad (2), ttcb (2), older (2), becoming (2), knee (2), scooter (2), soccer (2), morning (2), friends (2), help (2), came (2), everywhere (2), week (2), few (2), ago (2), bags (2), somehow (2), door (2), crushed (2), middle (2), felt (2), called (2), nine (2), cannot (2), add (2), pretty (2), despite (2), else (2), hit (2), communicate (2), bones (2), teach (2), child (2), body (2), emptying (2), courtesy (2), caused (2), lead (2), wonder (2), bonus (2), order (2), left (2), wednesday (2), been (2), taking (2), fall (2), physical (2), cold (2), outdoors (2), calling (2), realize (2), people (2), maybe (2), idea (2), mind (2), leaving (2), space (2), winter (2), therefore (2), easy (2), longer (2), never (2), nice (2), place (2), holiday (2), fully (2), want (2), outside (2), cleaning (2), happened (2), sit (2), vacuuming (2), house (2), than (2), better (2), where (2), between (2), find (2), these (2), often (2), likely (2), miss (2), able (2), choices (2), sunday (2), canadian (2), stop (2), hour (2), separate (2), bag (2), packs (2), camera (2), stuff (2), empty (2), keep (2), civility (2), basic (2), small (2), needs (2), knew (2), lining (2), frustration (2), answer (2), anyway (2), 1800 (2), message (2), ever (2), making (2), indeed (2), seven (2), allow (2), myself (2), into (2), overwhelming (2), big (2), happens (2), away (2), remembering (2), forgotten (2), giving (2), writer (2), diaries (2), moment (2), starting (2), focus (2), changed (2), six (2), walking (2), naturally (2), limp (2), bun (2), wishing (2), impossible (2), spent (2), say (2), daily (2), theme, powered, pageviews, view, complete, profile, breeder, unexplained, incompetent, cervix, gestation, scheduled, removed, complications, massive, delayed, post, partum, hemorrhage, abdominal, replaced, preparation, finally, exact, same, date, built, birth, control, counterpunch, tells, facts, south, sea, sailor, surprising, death, celebrations, road, traveled, girl, turns, aidan, journey, five, butterflies, rainbows, grounded, christmas, alistair, bernard, macmillan, endless, riding, roller, coaster, valentine, eva, howdy, chicken, carys, escape, room, spy, math, 1106th, friday, roundup, stirrup, queens, list, 2010, 201, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, archive, subscribe, atom, slightly, routine, getting, housework, iwalk, chasing, threw, curveball, camp, rushed, grass, hopped, reasonably, moms, potty, session, realized, its, mean, last, runners, she, previous, dwindled, non, weight, bearing, carrying, rested, garage, hinge, closed, automatically, tried, turn, reach, knob, unmistakeable, crack, nail, popped, partially, pain, saw, decided, cramp, style, anymore, goes, kayaking, swimming, cause, suck, dishes, yeah, hurts, miniature, bomb, exploded, distal, phalanx, leg, organize, tomorrow, everyone, crazy, thursday, gym, weights, use, elbows, friend, watched, wondered, slowing, common, belief, tries, misfortunes, injuries, appeal, behind, own, believe, loves, choose, method, hey, beloved, slow, didn, catch, drift, image, carry, misfortune, dishwasher, regularly, putting, clothes, laundry, basket, ditto, luck, jump, land, angle, snapping, ankle, ligament, thereafter, injured, needing, hold, onto, frame, worried, store, perk, sharpen, mindset, concentrate, remaining, limbs, hits, dust, restart, ongoing, dance, pausing, occasionally, side, favour, elusive, striving, debating, new, lotsakids, stats, button, completely, disappearing, map, months, automated, search, engines, real, comment, peace, case, frequently, 22f, parks, chilly, exciting, sound, knitting, playing, piano, preventing, hurting, each, sharp, objects, head, runs, running, brain, concoct, warming, paragraphs, couple, started, kindergarten, daycare, lady, tuesday, ended, mini, ill, watch, clean, cook, absolutely, purposeful, happy, byproduct, boredom, inability, exotic, variety, pressure, steaming, fal, indoor, grill, cutlery, drawer, smelled, energy, level, usually, roll, school, cleaner, smells, warmer, inviting, plain, notice, relaxed, explore, corners, normally, hours, dinner, bedtime, debate, useful, note, nuances, indulge, pleasures, watering, plants, noon, looking, details, pleasing, diffusing, peppermint, essential, oil, corner, happen, lives, afterwards, loved, hobby, free, meaning, existence, beyond, wife, create, clones, ourselves, choice, clear, rewarding, homebody, experience, halfway, vancouver, three, flight, prince, george, sucks, enough, directions, concept, gets, yet, lunch, computers, belt, coats, cellphones, screening, gate, waited, arrive, hands, explosives, yep, computer, forgot, bottom, surrender, town, wanted, those, amazon, noticed, half, needed, wait, pointed, already, comfortable, angry, lacking, reality, his, bottle, drinking, cup, spilling, fill, consideration, upsetting, anybody, wants, raising, voice, asking, him, directly, travel, aged, clearly, knowing, hint, clueless, ears, shows, extreme, gave, complain, story, gone, speak, supervisor, seemed, amiss, nowadays, card, answers, leave, mothers, welcome, supported, listening, concerns, talking, therapeutic, thank, correct, catsa, agent, confirmed, concessions, made, women, far, shortening, ones, seems, guess, anyone, spending, miserable, sadness, dig, deep, becomes, years, black, hole, despair, engulf, except, living, dwelling, such, spend, provide, connected, protection, disappear, become, itself, sister, brother, separated, laws, blink, hope, die, meet, loving, special, monday, blogging, dearly, especially, ramblings, many, reasons, precious, continue, give, regular, weekends, hoping, read, learn, beginnings, valuable, certainly, evolves, changes, chance, battling, similar, situations, companionship, biggest, truth, commented, self, absorbed, supposed, unidimensional, lenses, scrutinize, single, recognizing, limitation, offended, inhibited, thankful, implied, thankfulness, coming, reflection, entire, snapshot, ails, caught, sorts, vent, ideas, part, unified, important, gradually, conception, babies, perhaps, interesting, extraordinary, compared, neighbour, sometimes, almost, confused, clarity, bits, pieces, saturday, person, moves, fast, exactly, explain, move, hardly, though, light, tightly, managed, try, squeeze, recently, discovered, curling, worth, glamorous, curls, tying, otherwise, flat, ten, procedure, look, odd, mornings, ready, apparently, brushing, wish, waste, management, results, keeping, effort, stays, slots, busy, schedule, washing, dry, blow, drying, adds, lately, tie, wet, leads, dead, gained, swim, 750, meters, although, shitty, front, crawl, became, faster, pregnancy, stillbirth, business, alive, angel, youngest,

Text of the page (random words):
ment if it gives results in keeping with the time and effort spent then it stays wishing for impossible things does not so therefore i am not giving it any time slots in the busy schedule what i had forgotten to say about my hair is that it also needs washing daily if i dry it by blow drying that adds another eight minutes total time spent on hair daily 16 minutes lately i simply tie it in a bun while wet and away i go what that leads to is hair that is even more limp than the walking dead however during the gained 16 minutes i get to swim 750 meters and although i have shitty hair my front crawl became faster in the past two weeks what can i say it is hair versus life posted by mrsh at 8 14 am 0 comments saturday september 16 2017 ttcb trying to come back i have not forgotten about this blog in fact i think about it several times a week i miss my blogging days dearly probably because i love to write and i especially love to write when i know that someone else is reading my ramblings the question is why did i stop is it really lack of time it is never lack of time i make time to teach emma her reading and to run i make time for the important things in life and for the things i love to do what i think happened is that gradually the focus of the blog changed from conception and babies to life after infertility which perhaps is not as interesting given that we all have a life to live and there is not much extraordinary going on in mine as compared to the neighbour s i sometimes feel like the focus of the blog has changed so much that i almost need to start another blog i am confused about what i am doing here so i keep waiting for clarity it is starting to come in bits and pieces i know now that i don t feel like starting another blog this blog is a diary of sorts a place for me to vent ideas and feelings so there is no need to separate it into several diaries since it is all part of one unified life yes in the end the truth is that i am not really a blogger i am a diary writer someone once commented that my writing is self absorbed and indeed it is supposed to be diaries are unidimensional lenses that scrutinize life from a single perspective that of the writer recognizing this limitation i should not have felt offended but i did it inhibited me from writing being told that i should be more thankful for my life implied that the thankfulness is not coming out in my writing it might not be a diary is not always a reflection of my entire being of all my feelings it is simply a snapshot of what ails me the most that day or of what caught my mind s eye at that moment anyway this writing is precious to me and so i would like to continue i need to give it a regular time in my life and that time is likely to be on the weekends one day i am hoping that my kids will read it and learn to know their mother and their beginnings from a different perspective that might be valuable to them i certainly like to see how my life evolves and changes and reading back posts gives me that perspective and there is always the chance that someone is battling with similar situations in life as i have in the past or present and that my writing is giving them companionship which is probably the biggest bonus of them all so many reasons to write so little time posted by mrsh at 11 28 pm 1 comments monday january 2 2017 january 2 remembering adrian today is the day when i remember adrian my first born child he would have been seven if he had lived i am no longer spending the day feeling miserable but i allow myself to feel some of the sadness if i really dig deep into it it becomes as overwhelming as it was seven years ago it is a big black hole of despair that could engulf me except that i now have my two living kids and dwelling in such feelings is short lived if it happens at all emma and daniel would not allow me to spend too much time in the past because they live in the present and need me to provide for them in the present i had a good day a day in which i connected with my husband and with my children with all of my children adrian my love you have given me the first feeling of being a mom the first feeling of overwhelming love and protection so big that i myself disappear and become the feeling itself your sister and brother know about you and think about you often you and i are separated by the physical laws but you are only a thought away in the blink of an eye i can be back with you do you remember how i said i would live my life fully for both of us i am doing that my son and i hope to be able to do it until the day i die and meet you your loving mother remembering you on this special day posted by mrsh at 9 17 pm 0 comments wednesday december 28 2016 travelling with kids today was hard here is how my canadian airport security experience went today we have to stop halfway to vancouver which is a three hour flight and go through the airport security in prince george the waiting in line through security sucks enough given that the two kids want to go in separate directions all the time and the concept of a line up is not something that daniel gets just yet we took off our bag packs our lunch bags our computers our camera my belt our coats and cellphones we went through the screening gate and waited for the stuff to arrive the kids hands were swabbed and screened for explosives yep then my camera was swabbed and screened then my computer was swabbed and screened then at the very end the kids bag packs came through and i forgot that they had two water bottles with some water on the bottom the airport security guy told me that i had two choices now surrender the bottles yes he really said that or go back outside empty them and go through security again i thought about how hard it is to get kids water bottles in my home town and how i really wanted to keep those two that i had to order off amazon i said i would go back out to empty them i then noticed that the lineup to security looked about half an hour long and asked whether i needed to wait in the lineup again i was told that of course yes i pointed out that my kids were inside the airport already and was not comfortable leaving them there for so long without me and they told me that i should take the kids with me in the lineup again i got so angry that i lost it i told the guy that he is lacking civility and basic courtesy i am a travelling mother with small kids one of which is 2 and in all reality needs his water bottle as he is still not good at drinking from a cup without spilling i was ok with going back out and emptying it as i knew i could fill it again once inside but being told that i had to line up for a second time without much consideration of the fact that the kids are small and would not do well lining up or waiting without me was upsetting if anybody wants to feel better about their day think about me raising my voice in frustration at the airport security guy and asking him directly do you have any idea what it is like to travel with kids aged 2 and 5 clearly the answer is no and knowing that should have given me a hint that the question was going to fall on clueless ears anyway so the simple fact that i asked it shows my extreme frustration they gave me a 1800 number to call and complain and i left a message on that number with the full story will they ever call me back who knows gone are the days of i would like to speak to your supervisor when something seemed amiss nowadays you get a card with a number to call where a machine answers and you can leave a message nice job canadian airport security good work making mothers with children feel welcome and supported and good job listening to my concerns talking to the machine was very therapeutic thank you ps i called the 1800 number and was told that that is indeed the correct way making me line up a second time also the catsa agent confirmed that no concessions are to be made for women travelling with children as far as shortening the lining up time for the little ones this seems a basic lack of civility to me but i guess if that is the way it is there is nothing anyone can do about it posted by mrsh at 5 28 pm 0 comments sunday december 18 2016 homebody i am going to start by writing short and easy posts about little things that go through my head during the day this is a bit like the short easy runs that someone would start when they first take up running it takes a long time for my brain to concoct longer posts so i am warming up if i never get there that s ok too but this is a nice place to start with one or two paragraphs every couple of days winter holiday has started for emma who is now in kindergarten since my daycare lady is off on tuesday i ended up taking four whole days off and it feels like a mini holiday today we had a fully indoors day since emma is ill and i do not want to take her outside in the cold i realize that i have not had a full day indoors in a very long time a day in which i do nothing the kids do nothing and we watch a whole lot of tv clean and cook it was great we did absolutely nothing purposeful the whole day any cleaning that happened was a happy byproduct of my boredom and inability to sit still and it was the more exotic variety of cleaning like pressure steaming the t fal indoor grill and vacuuming the inside of the cutlery drawer at the end of the day the house was pretty it smelled good it looked lived in and it had a different energy level than it usually does when we all roll in at 6 pm after work and after school activities there is something to be said about staying at home versus working for me staying at home has always lead to a cleaner house that smells better feels warmer and more inviting and just plain feels lived in by the kids i notice that they also feel more at home more relaxed that they explore corners where they do not normally go in the few hours between dinner and bedtime i am a working mother so no this is in no way a debate for me between staying at home mom versus working mom i work because it is the way i do things however i find it useful to note these little nuances and maybe indulge in these simple pleasures once in a while vacuuming at 10 am watering the plants at noon looking at little details that make my space more pleasing to the eye diffusing peppermint essential oil in every corner it does not happen often that i can so when i do of course i wonder how my life and my kids lives would be different if i did that every day what i remember right afterwards of course is that i love my work as much as i have loved any hobby and that i would do it for free most likely that it gives a meaning to my existence beyond being a mom and a wife that i would miss it i think i should be able to do both but until we can create clones of ourselves we will always have to make choices i feel like my choice is clear but were my job less rewarding less of a calling i would probably have a hard time not being a home body posted by mrsh at 11 34 pm 0 comments trying to write i am trying to restart writing this has been an ongoing dance for me most of my life writing and pausing then writing again then taking another break i don t know why i occasionally let writing fall to the side in favour of more physical activities but i think it has to do with the elusive balance that i am striving for in life in any case it is winter now i am indoors a lot given that outdoors it is frequently 30 c that s 22f so the parks are a bit chilly indoors activities are not as exciting as they sound knitting writing playing piano and preventing my kids from hurting each other with sharp objects therefore here i am i was debating whether it might be time for me to start another blog one day on a cold outdoors run i was thinking of calling my new blog lotsakids not because i have lots of kids i only have the two but they sure feel like lots more most of the time however every time i hit the stats button on this blog i realize that despite me completely disappearing off the map for several months people still come here or maybe it is just automated search engines i have no idea but if it is real people could you just comment something like hi i am not a machine for my peace of mind so i have a hard time leaving this space so here i start again posted by mrsh at 11 16 pm 0 comments wednesday august 10 2016 another bone hits the dust just as my life was becoming slightly more routine with me getting around and doing housework on my iwalk 2 0 and chasing after the kids on my knee scooter life threw me another curveball emma had soccer camp this morning so we had a rushed day trying to get there on time my knee scooter and the grass are not good friends but i hopped around reasonably well and got lots of help from the other moms one of them even took daniel potty all of four times that he has to go during the morning session we came home and i realized that emma only had one shoe i looked everywhere for its pair and i mean everywhere as it is her last pair of runners and she has soccer all week the previous pair dwindled down to one shoe a few days ago given that i am still non weight bearing on the right foot my balance is not great i was carrying two bags and thinking about the shoe and somehow rested my hand on the garage door hinge it closed automatically and crushed my middle finger i tried to turn around to reach the knob but it took me a while during which time i felt it the unmistakeable crack of another broken bone my middle finger of the right hand the nail popped off partially so i called my husband for help as i was once again in a lot of pain i went to er saw the broken bone and decided that f ck it i have nine other fingers and i am not going to let this injury cramp my style sure i cannot have my hand in water anymore for 2 weeks so there goes kayaking and arms only swimming at which i might add i was becoming pretty good sure we might get some take out cause i suck at doing dishes with one hand and yeah it hurts like a miniature bomb exploded in my distal phalanx however my good leg and nine good fingers are going to organize a great birthday party for emma tomorrow and despite everyone else thinking i am crazy on thursday i am going to the gym to hit the weights even if i have to use my elbows my friend who watched the kids while i went to er wondered whether this is god s way of slowing me down i know that this is a common belief that god somehow tries to communicate with us through misfortunes and injuries i can see the appeal of the thought behind it that the broken bones are for my own good to teach me something i cannot however believe that god who loves me would choose this method to communicate hey beloved child i will break your foot to slow you down didn t catch my drift ok then let me break your finger next still not i will break every bone in your body until you get it see it just does not add up to the image of god that i carry in my heart can good things come out of my i...