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he enthusiastically throws himself from his back to his tummy gets stuck and eventually cries you would think he d remember that he doesn t really like to be on his tummy but no i also think for him it s a fun game to be flipped like a pancake every couple of minutes plus the mummies are pretty impressed by the gymnastics and he gets a good reaction his other fun trick is frequent atomic nappies you know the kind that shoot out of his nappy and up his back leaving a yellow lava of destruction in their wake oh yes hold with caution how do you then get the onesie off without smearing it in his hair luckily for me he has been keeping these treats for ww in the morning recently christmas decorations go up on sunday no it is not too early monday will see squirt s introduction to the month of christmas movies yes ww you have to watch them again no you cannot play with your phone the muppets require your full attention now my mission is to locate a christmas pudding in thailand which doesn t cost 14 gbp or be forced to make one which hardly seems worth it when i ll be the only one gorging on it mmmm christmas pudding the post pregnancy diet is not going well ttfn x ps squirt four months old tomorrow share this share on reddit opens in new window reddit tweet like loading babyhood 6 comments one year in the making november 1 2014 by mama hi i m not really one for remembering celebrating the small dates but i did realize it was halloween one year ago that two single cells fused to become what would grow into squirt ww was too sensible to allow me to buy or make a super cute baby halloween costume plus here in thailand there are minimal opportunities for celebrating this holiday and none which occur before his 6pm bedtime so cute costumed photo ops will have to wait for the next holiday plus we were tired from our first date night the night before our lovely gbf offered to babysit and let us get out of the house for a bit we had a nice dinner a few beers and saw what yucky sex pat nightlife our little suburban neck of the woods had to offer then ww had a nasty allergic skin reaction to something and my body decided it didn t enjoy ham hock after all so we had a bit of a sleepless night ho hum but it was a good jumble of nice and weird to step back to our free of responsibility days for a few hours i had my 13453 rd bad mother moment last night and introduced formula for the first time for squirt s before bedtime feed just a recap squirt has never fed from the breast not once so i have been a slave to the breast pump since his second day and plan to quit just after christmas when he is five and some months old in the meantime we re going to slowly introduce formula so it s not a horrible shock to his system when the freezer eventually runs empty i also read that formula fed babies sleep longer through the night and low and behold squirt slept from 6pm until 4am without eating then went back to sleep until 7 30am so why do i still feel tired i thought he might be a little put out at suddenly being given poison formula but he didn t bat an eye i m not in the habit of chugging either breast milk or formula but i have licked both off my arm don t judge me afterwards i wasn t exactly clamoring for a big overfilled jug of luke warm breast milk but it does taste a damn sight nicer than formula despite the fact we bought the fanciest one there s another thing i never really looked but ww reckons in the formula aisle of uk supermarkets there are really only two big brand options here there are more than you can count each fancier and more expensive than the next it was overwhelming the doctor was no use when asked what she d recommend she shrugged and stated they all have different things awesome yes i realize that but which one is best the companies have really got you too do you want the simple box with no extra health benefits which will cost you an arm and a leg or do you want to fully nourish your pride and joy with a formula containing every vitamin from a z and more besides which comes in a shiny gold box and will cost you more than private school tuition so of course we got the gold one we were advised to try a small box first in case squirt gets the squirts it cost over 6 gbp and when we got home we worked out it would feed him for two and a half days if we fed him that exclusively jeez there s an advertisement for breast milk if ever i heard one but i can t bear the thought of being abused by these breast pumps for the next 9 months i think the freezer is well stocked enough that he won t be exclusively on formula for very long before he starts eating some solids and needs less anyway hopefully normally this is where i d put something funny but even the meme generators are judgy about formula i m also ready to stop riding the emotional rollercoaster that i have my fingers crossed is related to breast feeding ww has the same amount of sleep as me and the same amount of stress but she doesn t find herself on the edge of ugly sobbing hysterics every few days she also doesn t feel the need to check squirt is still breathing frequently during the night she doesn t think about all the horrible things that can happen to small babies toddlers little kids big kids and adults she didn t feel a strong urge to rip squirt s enormous vaccination needle out of the doctor s hand and jam it in the doctor s thigh to see how she liked it she doesn t start conversations with things like what if i don t like his girlfriend yes the future girlfriend of my 3 month year old in short ww isn t teetering on the cusp of full blown insanity fingers crossed this is all a consequence of boob juice not a permanent condition one more week until i m back to work a month ago if you d asked me if i was ready i would have either lied or said yes with a side helping of guilt but back then squirt was being a real booger and going through a screaming heebie jeebie phase of course now in the run up to my return he s gotten himself into a routine and is being all cute and adorable most of the time boo to working and wrangling other people s kids when i d rather be at home wiping up the saliva of my own but someone s got to bring home the formula i guess ttfn x share this share on reddit opens in new window reddit tweet like loading babyhood 10 comments my baby is a flat headed non napping inappropriate tv addict october 18 2014 by mama hello all broken ass update after i started walking like i d pooed myself and it was slowly creeping down my leg i finally gave in and took ww s advice to see a doctor we packed up squirt and schlepped over to the hospital i had an uncomfortable examination which involved dropping trou and having the doc spread my butt cheeks and poke around in my ass crack his verdict well even if it is broken there s nothing we can do for it it s not an important bone not important clearly you re not the one sitting on it so continue to take ibuprofen as i was before then yes thanks for all your help lumpy breast update i have cut out my 1am pumping session and it actually seems to have helped i no longer am nodding off over my pumps and waking up with blocked ducts unfortunately i no longer have an excuse not to work the night shift with squirt so i m not getting the solid 8 hour sleep i was looking forward to it is much nicer to have a 20 minute cuddle than 30 minutes of eye watering nipple hickeys though other news this week has seen a new stress hello flat head syndrome with squirt s new lovely long night sleeps has come a head that looks like a large person sitting on a space hopper google searches have presented forums with equal parts don t worry it ll get better on its own and oh my god my child is now deformed their ears eyes and dimples have been rearranged to the point where they resemble a picasso portrait it has gotten to the point where strangers in the mall follow their oh how cute comments with wow that baby s head is a weird shape gotta love that thai honesty we have tried moving his head off the flat side when he s sleeping cue stirring and mummies panicking in case it triggers screaming and tummy time cue fussing followed by screaming i have decided to overcome my suffocation fear and buy a special weird baby head shape pillow i suspect i won t sleep for the first few nights we use it but hopefully his ears will no longer be located at 10 o clock and 4 o clock today we tried to crack the day time naps and establish a routine other than desperately praying he ll fall asleep tip toeing around terrified to make noise when he does then sighing when he inevitably wakes after 20 mins and starts screaming so after more bullshit internet searches we tried the 10 o clock 2 o clock plan what actually happened is that he fell asleep at 9 o clock for 15 mins screamed then i spent the next hour and a half lying next to his cot putting his dummy back in his mouth every 36 seconds while he alternated between smiling and screaming nevermind thought i there s always 2 o clock he fell asleep in the coffee shop at 12 i realized he had a dirty nappy ww and i went to the bathroom no baby changing facilities i sat on the toilet with squirt lying still asleep on my lap and we started changing him then we realized we had no wipes with us so ww substituted crappy excuse the pun cheap disintegrating damp toilet paper and we got the job done then i sat back down and he started screaming again sigh he was still sleepy and tearful and screamy so we tried to put him back to sleep when we got home at 1 ww spent 45mins putting his dummy back in while he alternated between chatting whimpering and vomiting she gave up and brought him back downstairs now he s asleep on the sofa and we re tip toeing around again i just glared at ww because she rustled a plastic snack bag near him fingers crossed he sleeps for longer than 20 mins best laid plans of mice men and mothers instead of sleeping during the day squirt would rather be watching tv he has taken a real interest in the idiot box which is fine for the 10 minutes a day we play nursery rhymes on youtube but less ideal when the mummies are watching the l word and its mandatory 10 minutes of girl on girl action and 10 vagina sex euphemisms per episode i guess it s time to start thinking about what we re watching and when when i was little i used to watch soaps with my mum and it didn t do me any harm or did it instead we should just entertain ourselves by doing stuff like this squishy baby face yes how to make your baby look like an ageing drag queen bad language warning before we left for scotland my late night pregnancy forays into the kitchen disturbed some unwanted house guests roaches shudder i half heartedly left some roach motels for those not in the know lucky you picture cute colourful cardboard cartoon houses with some hardcore glue inside and something cockroaches find yummy in the middle i was dreading my nighttime milk and sterilization trips upon our return for the whole 3 months we were in the uk joy of joys though the roach motels worked i was too scared to look but our cleaner informed us they were chockablock with the nasty little things and we haven t seen any since yay however as one pest moved out another moved in mother fucking ants every day i kill hundreds in the kitchen in the downstairs bathroom the bedroom the upstairs bathroom i m afraid to use any chemical spray because of squirt and the monster my kitchen cleaner does work but i m going through it at the rate of knots but the thing about the mother fucking ants is there are a few million attempting to colonize my home and they are starting to fight back yesterday they waged bitey war on ww as she emptied the kitchen bin i bought little plastic things which they re supposed to walk into nibble on some poison then conveniently return home and die but the little bastards are cleverer than that they just march around i hate them i know really i have to go through every cupboard and try and find anything else that might be attracting them but it s tricky with squirt and i m lazy but what the hell are the after in the bathrooms the bins are empty as far as i know no one s chowing down in there i haven t found them swarming around anything did i mention how much i hate them does anyone have a magnifying glass i can borrow if anyone has any advice for me about flat head syndrome a 3 month old who won t nap during the day or how to get rid of mother fucking ants please comment below all suggestions will be applied with a gusto for at least a few hours ttfn x ps squirt woke up after 17 and a half minutes sigh share this share on reddit opens in new window reddit tweet like loading babyhood 7 comments lumpy boobs and a broken ass october 8 2014 by mama hello hello well here we are just over 10 weeks after ww and our lives changed forever and i can hesitantly say that things are getting slightly easier squirt is settling into a routine of sorts he has embraced his 7pm bedtime and after a bath massage story and bottle retires to the land of nod until 7am with a couple of brief feeding wake ups in between he settles quite quickly into his cot so ww is no longer working her biceps rocking his heavy butt for hours and hours mornings are his best time he lies between our pillows and coos and smiles making up for the fact he s waking us by being uber cute then after he s made sure we re good and awake he passes out again for a few hours little bugger we had a week of afternoon rage not long ago but he has calmed slightly that s lies he hasn t calmed at all we just figured out that if he doesn t need a new nappy and isn t on the verge of sleep he needs another bottle even if it has only been an hour since the last one and it seems to have done the trick at least we ve avoided the 3 hour screaming episodes he has learned to sit kind of rather he has learned to make us hold him in a sitting position while his head droops into his lap and heaven forbid you try to support his head or lean him against something or lie him down he wants to sit thank you very much droopy head and all he also loves to stand and uses his chunky thighs to support his weight just until you rely on him doing it then he likes to drop and see if you can catch him fun times his heavy head is a hindrance during this activity too and my aren t fists yummy plus isn t it great how much slobber you can create doing that and then you can blow spit bubbles yay day time naps are not fun apparently we try to put him down in his very fancy rock and play but he will scream after 20 mins or so 30 maybe if we remember to set the white noise app so long days are spent eating having enormous tan coloured bowel movements that get into every nook and cranny little boys have and travel half way up his back eating some more cooing crying and occasionally puking with the most impressive episodes exiting from his mouth and nose at speed and coating his entire face body and any other body in the vicinity i...