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in believe what you like i don t actually believe this that we continue i know it there is a difference in believing and knowing you can believe that i m wearing a ladylike white blouse and elegant skirt sitting here at my desk in my tidy office clattering away because i tell you so and why not believe it but in fact i m clothed in black sweats and a black dog hair bedecked t shirt the only ladylike aspect of my appearance being my pink fingernails and red lipstick if you could see me experience my cluttered office you would know the truth so i believe but i also know because i ve experienced it that my sweethearts continue and knowing that has set me free when i first heard from mike about nine months after he died the relief was immense i walked into a spirit fair something i d never have done before my men left me and the crowd parted at the end of the obvious path was a table and a smiling woman she said my you have a crowd with you come sit down i sat and the first of my crowd to come through was mike i have a man here he s telling me that his brain exploded that s a pretty good way to describe a brain stem stroke so okay then he is telling me that he knows you sold the mexico house that it was hard and he s sad too but it s okay i won t go into all of the details to your relief i m sure but that put me on a path unexpected since that day almost a year ago i ve gone to multiple spirit fairs i ve heard from my dad my mother from mike when i spent a month in morocco greece and turkey i heard that daddy and mike were ecstatic about a big trip coming up going to need a big suitcase be sure to take plenty of aspirin for your arthritis lots of walking we are so so proud of you for doing this my mother bless her told me that she felt the forgiveness my sisters and i sent to her and that the process we went through set her free of her guilt and suffering mike came to me directly once in meditation a tap tap tap on my chest and then the clearest full color image of him smiling this in a brain that only vaguely imagines in pale misty color mostly black and white my oldest sister s been visited by our parents in her silence it s the most miraculous thing and the most divinely freeing and healing so what comes after after loss after grief after losing love is healing it s finding a life making new plans accepting that irrevocable changes have occurred but it s all survivable as for me i m busier than i ve been in years living in near poverty on a tiny state pension and some savings committed to staying this way as long as i can because freedom that s what i think of every day that freedom is a gift and it sometimes comes out of great tragedy i am better i am actually really happy and i don t worry about my people though i think of them often and miss them it s not with that aching agonizing sense of having my heart yanked from my chest my very breath stolen by the pain of loss they re still with me i am blessed life is lovely i hope so for you too posted by bigassbelle at 11 50 am 9 comments thursday february 21 2013 widow it will be five months next tuesday since mike s heart stopped some nights i can still feel the warmth of him as i lay that last hour with my head on his chest i can hear the beat of his heart growing softer slower until it finally stopped i still can t quite grasp that here not here with me gone i haven t been able to write anything though i have the urge some days i am sad grieving but also finding myself again the last two years were a hell beyond anything i d ever experienced a death is excruciating in slow motion it s beyond tolerance still i m here standing not writing but here maybe soon life as i ve known it for 20 years is becoming something else mike michael my sweetheart my only love what now posted by bigassbelle at 12 27 am 18 comments tuesday july 03 2012 put aside your skepticism for just a moment turn away from your understandable suspicion your disbelief in things you cannot see and let me tell you a story listen to me with the openness we had as children an age when we all willingly believed in what is mysterious and magical for this tale while true is hard to accept i ve told you before about my mother who vanished on a cold sunday morning a few days before christmas of 1969 it was a singular event in my life and in the lives of my family members there is tragedy and heartbreak in losing one so loved to death and it is a different kind of tragedy an endless heartbreak for someone to go missing for over 40 years there was before and there is after in more than forty years of after we ve never been able to really let go to grieve and move on and we ve marked the transitions of life and the passage of our ordinary days always wondering what happened where could she have gone often i would look at my father now nearly 95 and think it s not possible she could still be living she would be so old and surely in ill health alone and lonely and troubled by the same demons that drove her out the door that frigid december morning but if not alive then where could she be where is her body wouldn t her secrets be finally revealed in death for 20 years i ve fought to keep her on my state s missing persons list the oldest case in oklahoma but nothing has come of it nothing two years ago my very smart rational science minded republican sister 66 years old happened into a small encampment in florida called cassadaga there she encountered mediums and psychics first one and then another for this was a small village devoted to the mysterious arts and whether you believe or do not believe they are there a flock of working spiritualists and they are busy i know their busy ness is no indicator of truth just in the willingness sometimes desperation of people to believe in something that soothes their pain or illuminates an uncertain future in a way that engenders hope and isn t that what we all want a bit of soothing some certainty something to hope for and might that cause us to believe the unbelievable of course and yet a skeptical karen entered the medium s lair was seated and before she could even speak the medium drew back looking alarmed and exclaimed oh oh there is someone rushing at me she is pushing everyone aside everyone yes i know the images that will evince for most of you the very idea that we are surrounded by the spirits of those long gone that they can be invoked simply by a willingness to believe they are there and yet it is possible i now know this it is possible even if we cannot set aside the flood of disbelief that wells when someone says these things aloud sometimes as with karen we have only to show up skepticism in tow but even if we cannot believe if you cannot it changes nothing it happened it is true and disbelief yours or mine does not change the fact of it i must continue so come along with me and if you can push it aside that sense you have that i ve gone a little mad succumbed to the kind of new age craziness that sometimes afflicts women and men in their middle years listen because the spirit who rushed the medium to get to my sister the one who pushed everyone aside gave us answers to the questions we ve had since that ghastly day in 1969 what happened to audrey why did she leave how could she have stayed away never to have reached out not once if you ve been here before you will know that like my sister i am also reasonably smart and science minded but also artsy and romantic so you will naturally suspect my interpretation of events i want to believe i admit it i love the idea of the unknown becoming known and i inhabit my own imagination as if it s another very real world so do not believe me as i am suspect but believe karen who conversed with our lost mother 41 years after she vanished because you do not know them either karen or audrey you can t know how unsettling it was how difficult to accept but that it was my mother i have no doubt there were dozens of proofs dozens a complete stranger in a part of the country where none of us have lived before knew details of my mother s pre internet disappearance she could never have known karen s appearance before the medium was not preceded by an appointment or signing in or any of the myriad ways a bit of information can be given and research obtained the trip to cassadaga was done on a whim karen s appearance was unheralded and the medium a stranger it seems impossible that one can speak to the dead but this happened and it is real though unbelievable i admit the medium revealed everything where she left from and why what was happening to her at the time where she went and with whom and most importantly that she had died in 1993 listen i know you are scoffing having gathered back into yourself your skepticism and unwillingness to believe in things unseen because it s more comfortable that way to believe only in truth we can verify touch or experience ourselves but listen and know this is true it was my mother of that i am certain as certain as i am that my eyes are brown and my once red hair has gone silver that i am living and breathing in tulsa on a hot thursday in july as certain as i am that most of you will not believe though a childlike part of you before you fall asleep tonight may whisper what if believe this my mother her spirit had to make amends to move on and more importantly she needed to know that we could forgive her for walking out that chill morning in 1969 that we could let go of our pain and anger and years and years of wondering of not knowing of never being able to grieve for her she needed our release and we gave it we performed a ritual goodbye audrey s three daughters committing a last loving act of forgiveness and letting go for two years we have had a sense of peace that s been missing for the previous forty and her spirit my mother s was healed you re frowning i suspect thinking how could she know but that that knowing is for another day about the 40 year mystery of my mother though i finally know and i believe i am at peace and so at last is audrey labels cassadaga grief and loss joy medium mothers psychic spiritualism posted by bigassbelle at 10 40 pm 16 comments friday march 09 2012 thief almost twenty years ago when i became a thief i began by simply watching the patterns of the old man down the street every morning he rose early to tend his treasures it was obvious he took great pride in this lifetime accumulation and he protected his wonders with everything he had a year or two passed and i noticed he was failing early risings were rare and though he still cared for his beauties it was clear that all was not well in his world another year and his lovelies rose up in spring without any care they were strong and hearty from 50 years of his love and attention but they missed his nurturing hand the following spring the house went up for sale it was empty i know this because i skulked over there at 1 00 a m one sunday and checked it out my nighttime skulking began at the tender age of six when my sister and i developed something we called the cat prowl to complete the prowl which fast became a popular activity among our parochial school set it was required that we sneak out the bedroom window late at night scamper to the street then follow a route which took us past the back windows and through the gardens of a dozen of our neighbors we were essentially school age window peepers we threw in a little moonlight dancing a little fantasy among the hollyhocks and roses but our greatest thrill was viewing our neighbors through their windows when they believed themselves unobserved i have long known that a proper nighttime skulking outfit is entirely black with black shoes black hat black black black so i crept about my neighbor s home attired in the proper garments and i observed his cherished babies where they slept a rescue was clearly in order it was my first plant theft conducted at midnight with fast beating heart and an utter terror of being caught i liberated six huge clumps of those lush 50 year old peonies each root bundle as large as a bushel basket and i planted them in my very own back garden where they have bloomed ever since how fortunate because the entire 50 x 12 foot bed so lovingly tended by that sweet old man for his entire adult life was subsequently plowed up and planted with boxwood and shudder red tipped photinia how utterly mundane and how sad the following spring i noticed a number of the ruby red slender arms of the ancient peonies breaking through the soil i was heartbroken to see the new homeowner whacking at them with a weedeater another spring and they no longer even tried i wonder whether they sleep still beneath the soil in that spot so long a nourishing home for their immense and tangled roots are they waiting down there for someone to love them properly to appreciate their rich beauty their immensely heavy softly colored heads perfuming the air for half a block it was the first theft not the last subsequent thefts were more brazen houses up for sale and empty once the sold sign went up off i went at midnight properly dressed of course spade in hand i liberated ancient peonies madonna lilies phlox iris roses i eventually took to liberating ancient moss encrusted birdbaths from houses near the airport slated for demolition i found old troughs bird feeders great moss covered stones i was a full fledged garden thief and unashamed my favorite liberation was accomplished at sunrise just before a bulldozer cleared a path for a new driveway in a house just a mile from my little cottage milk and wine crinum lilies those rare old southern heirlooms were freed from the rock hard soil as the impatient driver raced his engine and bellowed at me to get out of his way the result stands sentry at the start of my south garden path and the scent is intoxicating their heads rise up at dusk to invite pollination don t we all rise up at dusk to invite pollination and they release the richest perfume magnificent addictive stolen labels crinum lily gardening peonies thievery posted by bigassbelle at 1 12 pm 11 comments tuesday february 28 2012 on becoming a dick when i was a baby in sobriety i used to hit a meeting in pratt kansas before heading to my parents cabin at 99 springs it was a discussion meeting not my favorite kind but the droning of my fellow travelers gave me plenty of time to think and one of the things i pondered at length was the meaning of a sign on the wall it said when you re off the beam you don t know you re off the beam because you re off the beam although the beam is mentioned several times in the body of aa literature the sign always struck me as ridiculous in aa clubhouses and meeting rooms across the planet there are all sorts of signs plastered on the walls think think think is one don t think is another i know but it makes sense to us i ve never seen the beam sign anywhere but pratt to me the on the beam off the beam sounded silly and the last phrase almost a ta...