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Text of the page (random words):
alling into place my cousin and his wife are bringing their five month old baby girl molly and i simply cannot wait to hold her i m grateful that my family is healthy one of our neighbors unexpectedly died yesterday and i feel so much sympathy for his family as they have to deal with their grief over the holiday season my parents are in good health my husband is fine and my daughter s a cartwheeling ball of vim and vigor and i m doing okay too despite the cons to living in a very small town i appreciate the good things about it yesterday afternoon i stopped to drop off something to my former neighbor who recently lost her husband i wrote about this at the beginning of the month and we wound up talking for two hours there were plenty of things i was going to do yesterday afternoon mainly clean my house but this time with her seemed so much more important and precious to me i m also thankful for the other good friends i have who have been there for me in good times as well as the rough ones yes i have my share of problems there are things in my life that i m unhappy with some are within my control and some aren t even though some of the ones that in theory are in my control seem impossible to change and sometimes i let these things drag me down and feel miserable but like the song we sang in church last sunday i need to count my blessings i have to remember all the good things i have all the positives in my life the lady i visited yesterday talked to me about this too and her comment was when i think i have problems i look around and what some other people have to bear and i realize i don t have any problems at all and this is a woman who just lost her husband of 60 years who has diabetes and probably other issues i know nothing about if she can have this attitude i need to take her as an example and realize how fortunate i am so to everyone out there spend a moment or two in the next 24 hours appreciating the good things in your life be thankful for all that you have i plan to do the same happy thanksgiving posted by vashta narada at 9 18 am 2 comments labels death family friends health holidays thankful thursday november 15 2007 the church lady snaps this is without doubt the busiest week of the year at my job compare it to the week of april 15 for accountants to survive this week i have to do a lot of pre planning time management and multi tasking my biggest headaches come from outside sources mainly procrastinators and people who expect me to drop everything and get their last minute requests done i am not proud of the fact that i made someone cry yesterday this is a person who makes tons of demands on me and is always expecting me to fulfill her last minute requests throughout the year but yesterday she hit me on the absolute wrong day and i snapped at her i didn t even explode on her like i really wanted to but my obvious aggravation and displeasure was enough to send her over the edge and let s be frank here this is a woman who is always teetering on that precipice from all the drama in her life of course when she starts crying i feel awful although i was kind of confused as she starting gushing about some relative who s dying and doesn t want anyone to know this made me think that the tears really weren t about me but then she came back a few minutes later and tried to give me a 20 bill for my trouble this started the whole discussion of me not wanting her money that i just need things in a timely manner not two hours after i ve completed the project she wants to contribute to i reminded her that i put reminders in the bulletin about this for the past month and i can only wait so long but then she was martyring herself all over the place and offering to stay and help me at that point all i wanted was for her to get out of my office so i could do my work without her tearful theatrics disrupting me then there s this other woman who drives me absolutely crazy she is the queen of procrastination who feels it s perfectly fine to call me at the last minute often at home with all her requests even though she works at a place full of computers and e mail most of her requests are handwritten and left for me on the piano bench in the basement of the church so i have to go hunting for them worst of all she leads me through her directions like a dim witted five year old and often forces me to read back her stuff when she dictates it to me over the phone i ve slowly been trying to correct this situation with this woman two weeks ago she called my house at 9 30 p m the night before i print the sunday bulletin to dictate an announcement she wanted in there do you have a pencil handy she asked me um no i replied curtly i m in bed boy did she stutter around i told her to call me in the morning wishing it would be at the office but instead she called me at 7 30 a m while i was trying to get mabel ready for school i of course had to write down her announcement and read it back to her oh and by the way she needed a bunch of copies made for her sunday school classes too so this morning she calls me at home again at 7 30 in the morning asking me to go find her papers in the church basement and make all these copies for her for this sunday the same week i ve got the newsletter and annual meeting and envelope distribution and poinsettia orders and everything else i wanted to unleash holy terror down upon her but the image of the other lady crying in my office kept me from verbally ripping her head off i told her i would try to honor her request but it was awfully last minute and it s an extremely busy day not to mention week she him hawed around and said if i couldn t do it all if i could at least do make copies of the one sheet i told her i would do my best but that i d appreciate it if in the future she would get things to me earlier i so wanted to tell her to take her copies and shove them up her butt but what kind of a church lady would i be i m supposed to be gracious and helpful and take care of people but where s the line when you become someone who gets taken advantage of and becomes a doormat it s no wonder i ve been doing some stress eating the past couple days not a binge but nervous mindless eating i m incorporating other options to reduce my stress yesterday was my appointment with my therapist i m exercising in the mornings i m trying to read a good book and start my christmas counted cross stitch projects but let s face it it s hard to fight those urges to eat some cookies or some chocolate to soothe myself but i m trying today s crunch day and fortunately things are coming together well but my personal life is equally jam packed right now and this afternoon i have to try to cram in as many errands as possible especially since the weather man is calling for several inches of snow tonight often our road crews aren t prepared for our first major snow and i d like to be able to avoid as much traveling as possible tomorrow i have to admit the thought of being snowbound in my house for a day sounds nice of course i ll have to disconnect the phone so no one can bother me with their demands i can just sit back read my book do some stitching and rediscover some relaxation posted by vashta narada at 10 07 am 2 comments labels anger emotional eating job stress tuesday november 13 2007 what other people think of me is none of my business today s better i guess i was so busy at work today i didn t get a chance at all until this evening to think about blogging it s newsletter time but also time for our church s annual meeting which means i need to compile agendas minutes budgets reports etc and assemble them into 200 packets it s also time to distribute the new offering envelopes so i had to label all 299 boxes the christmas eve poinsettia orders are due this week so they re flying in as well as memorial gifts for a deceased member of the church and these have to be recorded so i can put them in the newsletter oh and the sunday school superintendent needed lessons printed up for grades 1 6 and our associate pastor needed 200 copies of his christmas letter copied all of this on top of my usual work fun fun i really kind of worked myself into a bit of a frenzy over this whole ordeal i shared with you yesterday but at least when i m upset i m not compulsively overeating hubby and i talked about it more this morning and i suppose it s as resolved as i m ever going to get it i feel kind of foolish about the whole thing now i look back at myself and see a whining spoiled brat who threw a fit because she didn t get her way the scolding mother in me looks at this little girl and says guess what kid life isn t fair so get used to it i also think i totally set myself up for more disappointment and hurt feelings with my e mail to him looking back i think i expected him to respond objectively and empathetically basically like a therapist would i wanted him to listen and validate my feelings and not interject his opinions into it or give me any judgments or criticisms and that just isn t realistic i know this man pretty well and he responded pretty much like he always does he gets defensive he sees things subjectively and can t help bringing his feelings into it and let s not forget the family gift of guilt i also realize a lot of my upset feelings stems from my age old quest to win someone s approval it started with desperately trying to get my dad s approval i e love and has moved on to peers teachers bosses boyfriends etc this also feeds into my difficulty saying no to people and the need to be perfect i ve always had a horrible time coping with criticism negative reviews and full out ss chewings i fall apart emotionally because i feel worthless stupid and unlovable let s face it hubby and his family did not approve of my trip and although they ve apparently backed down on their outright disdain at least to my face i will never make any of them think it s a great idea and that s what s felt so unfair this weekend all of the boys were basking in their fully sanctioned 100 percent approved trips while i will never get that there s a great saying my mom shared with me what other people think of me is none of my business i have to quit relying on outside validation to feel good about myself i have to tune out those people out there who are out to make me feel bad or that my opinions are shoddy because we don t agree on certain things i have to stop comparing myself to others and focus on my good qualities and how i can improve the ones that are a little shaky so instead of telling this little girl to suck it up and tell her the world is a cold hard place i need to give her a hug tell her i love her and let her know that things will get better posted by vashta narada at 6 14 pm 1 comment labels approval feelings husband job people s reaction perfectionism self care self esteem vacation monday november 12 2007 sick as a dog it s been ages since i ve published pictures of my doggies in case you re new or you ve forgotten bruno is the yellow one and pearl is the black one they are practically inseparable and did i mention how freakin big they are it s like having livestock in the house but like children they re always so precious when they re asleep i put this picture on my entry last night which has now become somewhat apropos since i awoke at 2 30 a m sick as a dog why because folks i had my first full blown binge since starting the wellbutrin i can tell it s been about a month since i last did this because my body is already out of practice and i was miserable as i laid in bed chewing on antacids i tried to figure out why i did this it didn t take too long to figure it out over the course of the weekend i watched my bil and fil plan and go on an overnight fishing trip to new york then on sunday my husband and his buddies were on the phone all day like a bunch of giddy teenagers planning next year s alaska trip it stirred up a lot of feelings about my upcoming trip to england and the unpleasant time i had when i first decided to go i thought about how great these guys had it compared to me no one jumped all over them with guilt and criticism about going no one judged them and their traveling companions as being morally unfit or deviant no one had major discussions behind their backs ranting what a horrible spouse and parent they are and no one accused them of being unfaithful to their spouse i have tried very hard to get past and forget about what happened to me over my england trip but it s been very difficult even though i ve tried to explain it to my hubby i don t think he really understands how terribly hurt and angry i was at how i was treated i rank it as one of the most painful experiences of my life in hubby s defense he and i discussed what happened between us he apologized i understood what his feelings were behind his actions and i was able to forgive him i have done my best to put my hard feelings aside and be polite and courteous to his parents even though it didn t help me begin forgiving when i was told not to take it personally i know this is a major exaggeration but it s like telling the jews not to take the holocaust so personally because the nazis wanted to wipe out all the homosexuals and gypsies too it s continued to be a challenge as i was first given the silent treatment for several weeks and now i and my england trip have been relegated to the family s shameful secrets closet where if we never talk about it and pretend it doesn t exist maybe it will all go away and we can pretend everything s fine yet i have continued to try to rise above this i had no qualms about hubby inviting them to my family s thanksgiving dinner despite what has passed even i didn t want to see them with nowhere to go on the holiday but the feelings don t go away i dwelled on this okay obsessed over this for several hours then finally got back to sleep i didn t wake up until hubby was walking out the door so this morning i e mailed him a basic rewording of what you see above i told him i m not telling him this because i don t want him to go to alaska i want him to go i want him to have a great time and enjoy all the anticipation leading up to it and relish all the wonderful memories afterwards i just wish i had been given the same opportunity i told him i am telling him this because i have to get these feelings off my chest and quit burying them with food i have packed on enough pounds over the last couple months because of it and it has to stop only by feeling my feelings and not hiding them will i be able to break this problem i have i feel like a fool for emotionally eating and making myself ill but at least i was able to realize why it happened and made an effort to stop it in its tracks and not let it continue to fester and run out of control and maybe next time i can see it coming and prevent a future binge posted by vashta narada at 9 00 am 2 comments labels binge causes dog emotional eating family feelings husband 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