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description=Posts about Anger written by bodegabliss;

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Text of the page (random words):
d to move on i need to find a way to get my happiness back and i honestly know that won t be possible until this chapter has been closed i m scared to death that the last page will turn and there will still be no baby there to fill this hole i m scared to live with that hole that will undoubtedly never go away for the rest of my life i feel like the only other option for us will be surrogacy but the cost of that is frightening the only way for us to do be able to afford it would be to find someone we know friend or family to do it for us but how do you ever ask someone that how would you ever repay that person for giving you the biggest gift imaginable i would forever feel indebted unable to show them how incredibly grateful i am i wonder how i would handle it i m the type of person who thinks about others before myself to the point where i will do whatever it takes to keep them happy at the cost of my own happiness how would i ever be able to handle the pressure i d put on myself to show my appreciation i don t see it being possible yet i don t see another way to do this adoption is out of the question and i would most likely just miscarry an embryo through ivf so it s down to these two options trying one more time and most likely miscarrying or surrogacy what the hell do you know how shitty that is i m supposed to be able to do this i m supposed to be able to procreate and yet i m failing i know it s not me or my fault or blah blah blah but ultimately how can you deny that my body has failed to what it s supposed to do how can people honestly see a way around that explanation i m excited for the appointment only because i ll finally be able to talk to a specialist except my excitement stops there because my gut is telling me they won t be able to tell me anything new that they ll say i just need to try again while we cross our fingers how long will they tell me that how many more losses will result in that very same approach i think i have one more in me then i ve reached my limit i just can t do this to myself any more 4 losses are more than any one should ever have to go through and 5 is an even more overwhelming number i realize this has been just one long release of emotions but they ve been bottled up in me for a while now because i ve been working so much i ve had no time to get it out and that s what this blog is supposed to be for i m afraid the re is in for an emotional meeting with a very upset patient in a few hours i can t believe i m at this point where i need help doing this how did i get here comments 15 comments categories anger doctor fear frustration miscarriage ramblings unfavorable odds 10 jul last night was the first time since june 1st that i ve really lost i it i was a crying mess hyperventilating and shaking asking tim over and over why this was happening to us i think up until then i had had it in my head that this wasn t going to happen for us that i needed to accept the fact it was over that i was going have to give up but something last night finally hit me and i became terrified i crawled into bed and woke tim up hysterical burrowing into his arms in need of the comfort only he can give it made me realize i m not ready to accept that i might not be a mother to a child i birthed but i am so scared that that is my fate i feel like there is probably a 10 chance i ll be able to do this the remaining 90 will have to be either surrogacy or accepting life without motherhood do you know how hard it is to be okay with those kind of odds my instincts have rarely proved me wrong and it s frightening that my gut is telling me that everything i grew up wanting is being forced to change i m thankful that out of my hysterics my desire to not give up was reawakened i realized i m not ready to wave the white flag and accept that 90 i can t believe i m going to say this but i think i have one more loss in me i will pray to whoever will listen that i won t have to go through another one but the only way to keep trying to do this with my body is to be okay with another loss i have an appointment with my doctor this week and we re going to discuss what to do next i know she wants me to wait a while to try again but i waited a whole year just to lose another one and i refuse to waste that time again i don t regret the wait but it pains me to think how much further along this path we could be if we hadn t i m ready now to find out what this outcome will be and how many more tears will be shed i just want this nightmare to be over and my life to stop being in a perpetual state of pause and suspense it s not a way to keep living tim and i have discussed adoption and we re not sure it s an option for us i guess that s for another post comments 11 comments categories anger fear miscarriage four 29 jun almost a month ago at 8 weeks 5 days i found out my baby s heart had stopped beating two days later on june 3rd i had a d c and another baby taken from me yes i was pregnant and i m sorry i kept it from you there were people in my real life that deserved to know that i was pregnant before they found out on my blog except the shitty part is i never got to tell them that i was pregnant and instead i had to tell them i lost a fourth baby four i ve lost four babies that number is daunting that number changes everything at three there was still a chance my percentages were still pretty great but four at four they re not so good at four i have to start thinking that this might not happen for us at four i have to start imagining alternatives alternatives i never wanted to face i ve tried to get on here a million times to write this post but i could never figure out how to start it i didn t think i had the energy to write about this again this was supposed to be a pregnancy blog after all but it s not just that things for me have changed after losing this last baby everything i thought before now is gone i think i m still trying to figure out how to explain how my thoughts have changed and how i m feeling but i still haven t found a way to describe it i m certainly pissed this happened angry that i m having to go through this again i never thought i d be here everyone that knew told me that the last baby was it this time it was sticking i really thought so too but it didn t stick it never sticks or rather it sticks but it s heart just stops beating something else that has changed is i ve finally realized that i have absolutely no control over the fate of my pregnancies while i was pregnant this last time i took it easy i didn t go for my daily walks i didn t stay on my feet for very long and i rested as much as i could i also did ridiculous things like refuse to sit in the chair at my doctor s office that i sat in the day i found out i lost the third or refuse to turn on the light in the bathroom that was on while i was losing the second i scheduled my appointments no where near the appointment dates from the last time i thought the stupid katy perry song about fireworks that was playing the second i got in my car after seeing the heartbeat was a good sign because the lyrics really effected me when i lost the third when she says that part about doors shutting and finally the right one opens or some shit like that but none of it helped the baby still died plus it was exhausting keeping all of that up i mean i was bordering on ocd i realize this i get why i did it though we have absolutely no control over our pregnancies or this process we re going through and it gives us a feeling that somehow we re controlling it i get that i ve been superstitious my entire life and i just didn t realize how much so until this last pregnancy but that s all gone now i finally get it universe i have absolutely no control over what is going to happen pregnancy or not i hear you can you sense my anger i think that s the biggest difference for me this time i m just as pissed off as i am sad if not more so much for the joy eh this wasn t supposed to be me this wasn t what i thought would be my life but here i am this is really happening my doctor wants to send me to ucsf where they specialize in fertility i m all for it but worried about the cost i have a stack of hospital bills at home as it is and that s with insurance i may just have to move to israel after all m o you ready for me one thing that is very different this time is the support i have been given and the love i have been shown some incredible ladies i ve met through this blog have given me the feeling of being understood which was what i was missing all of the other times and i can t tell you what a difference it makes i will never be able to thank you guys enough or ever have the words to describe what all of this has meant to me i don t think i d be as okay as i am right now without you you have made it easier to get out of bed you have warmed my heart and made me all emotional and sloppy from crying because i just feel so blessed if i can be thankful for anything throughout all of this mess it s you guys the posts you wrote while i was deep in the thick of it and the comments people left gave me so much strength strength i m still feeling now this strength is going to help me beat this i know it will you all are a pretty damn good consolation prize of course i don t want to leave out the people in my life not through this blog that have been there all along i am so lucky to have you in my life i can t imagine it without you thank you for the care packages and the calls and the love from thousands of miles away i know most of you don t know what this feels like and all you can do is love me and i m saying now you ve done that and i couldn t be more thankful and thank you family for loving me no matter what i know it s been difficult to see me like this for almost two years now and i promise i won t always be like this you just have to stand by me a little while longer okay you have to help me fight this you should know that despite this anger and change in the way i m thinking that i m not giving up i still somehow have hope and i m going to fight i ll probably even fight harder now that odds are against me i may finally be able to put that competitive nature to good use wait can i fight against myself and win i sure as hell hope so i do know one thing four better be the last fucking number i know comments 40 comments categories anger fear frustration miscarriage pregnancy thankful heartbeat 10 mar i m often trying to convince myself that it s okay to still be grieving i pretend that it s just my way of defending my grief to others but if i m really being honest i m pretty sure it s me trying to defend my sadness to myself last night as i was laying in bed i was devising yet another way to convince someone myself of believing that my grief is real that it deserved the attention i had no control over giving this past year so i started thinking about the heartbeat on june 28th 2010 i saw the heartbeat of my baby i saw the beautiful flicker of life that gives most future mothers a sigh of relief of a thriving life inside when i remembered that flicker last night on the screen as i was trying to go to sleep my heart sank i had life in me i we gave life to another human being and just as quickly as it came my body took it away my body stopped it because it didn t think it belonged there i had a baby with a heartbeat and then i didn t it wasn t just a collection of cells a mass of tissue it was life that heartbeat was supposed to continue to beat long after mine stopped the being with that heartbeat was supposed to smile at it s parents learn to walk and talk breathe the air in these hills that we love to breathe and then all of that hope that so many people take for granted was taken away 10 days later my baby s heart stopped beating i m allowed to grieve for that why can t people understand that isn t this enough except right now it is both me trying to convince myself as well as a few others i ve spent a good portion of this past month defending how i chose to grieve this past year to someone and in my head i m always trying to make my case why do we have to do that doesn t that just seem backwards how are we not all compassionate to ourselves and to others it s not right okay stepping off soap box comments 18 comments categories anger me me me me miscarriage pregnancy be careful what you say 11 feb there s a risk you take when you let people know you re doing better you risk the day where shortly after such proclamation you re not doing so well this whole week i ve been good great even but today i feel the sadness just waiting there for me to grab ahold of it maybe because a year ago today my world came crashing down around me and the women i had always known was taken away from me i was really hoping today wouldn t effect me like this and of course i feel like by being sad again i m disappointing not only myself but those around me that recognized the change this week and i hate disappointing people more than anything but i just can t seem to find the hope today all i want to do is hug that woman a year ago and not let her go i want to take her pain away but i can t the pain is still here even when i think i m better i guess maybe i m feeling a little haunted i can t get the way the light of the bathroom looked that night out of my head and i just want to erase it all i m sure i ll be better tomorrow i just wanted to be honest it s the one thing i ve done since i started this i m sure to the annoyance of some but i can t pretend i m okay today i m not in case any of you noticed it turned out the day i miscarried was february 11th not the 10th i was looking through my archives and discovered the error and even changed all my posts to reflect the actual date i wasn t going to mention anything but i was feeling guilty like i lied or something i m a horrible liar i had to come clean besides this just continues to prove my point that these dates are all connected for me comments 8 comments categories anger fear miscarriage sometimes it is so hard to think of a damn title 25 jan i had a very draining session of therapy last night i knew it was going to be like that days before i got there i could feel the weight building up every day that passed prior during the session it became apparent that the trip to north carolina really forced me to realize i m not as far along in this grief process as i m trying to tell myself i am getting out of my comfort zone by leaving for a week and being faced with things i ve been hiding from for months was really difficult for me while i was there i kept noticing that i didn t even recognize the voice coming out of my mouth any more the things i said just didn t seem like they were coming from me i think i ve just been so inside myself for so long that i ve lost who i am in all of this i ve been sitting beside myself for a year now waiting im patiently before i can jump back in last night at the session i cried as hard as i did that first night almos...