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description=A blog dedicated to the lives of the two babies I have lost to miscarriage, and the record of my journey to discovering one thing- HOPE.;

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Text of the page (random words):
regards to life after loss hell i have even completely accepted it one of the things i was not able to do with either loss was to tell my family i guess it was part shame and part grief i always told myself there would be no need for them to know but tonight tonight is different i received a message from my mother informing me that my cousin is 12 weeks pregnant with their first baby as far ai my family is aware and concerned this is the first grandchild for our generation of kids in my family it makes y heart hurt knowing that as far as my family is concerned this baby this new little life is the first to make my grandmother a great grandmother my mum a great aunt me a second cousin none of them know that in fact lily was first she will always be my first she will be our family s first its something i guess i need to work through but tonight tonight my heart hurts comment peace at last filed under uncategorized leave a comment april 6 2013 i did not realise how much of my grief was riding on the shared experiences we have had you had a miscarriage abd four weeks later i did as well for a very long time i used the strength you showed to get through ittht hen today i found out you and your husband recently saw the safe arrival of your son a gull 7 years after your miscarriage i don t know if you wewe unfortunate like i was to suffer any more losses but i sure hope not to know that you finally became a mother has seen a deep sense of peace settle over me in regards to my grief journey i packed away all of the pices i have in my home into a box they will stay there dare i say it but i suspect i may be ready to completely move on to put this chapter behind be to embrace what the future holds children or not thankyou n welcome o be amazing like your mamma comment filed under uncategorized 1 comment april 2 2013 how can this so very true image have caused so much grief in the interwebz world i have seen some hideous comments made including how dare you post a photo of a dead baby and you are having a pity party and that we are the ones who need to learn to take a joke in our community when we read of someone announcing a pregnancy early prior to 12 weeks we don t immediately squeal and begin to buy baby clothes we mentally and physically cross our fingerd and hope and pray like crazy that these people announcing a pregnancy on the first day of april do not ever ever ever experience the loss of this newly announced pregnancy and then then to have revealed that it was just a joke after having messages of congratulations and well wishes from people like us just wanting them to be happy hurts like anything it damn hurts to have those wishes thrown back in our faces the picture is not made with the intent of telling people no you cannot have fun ever it is merely asking people to think before they post people have argued that ok so if we can t have a joke about being pregnant does that mean we can never post a picture of a meal we are eating or a new car or a marriage because there are people out there who will never ever be able to understand that thinking before we speak would solve a lot of problems for the record the baby in the picture is very very alive the picture is just sepia toned and for the few people out there who thought we were just having a pity party there were hundreds of people who merely told carly thankyou for putting our feelings out there i could not agree more with them thankyou carly comment filed under uncategorized leave a comment march 14 2013 it was a hectic toy today one of those ones where you feel like you are chasing your tail i had 20 students all vying for my attention and lo and behold i just happened to run out of enough copies of the activity i wanted them to do i raced into the office to photocopy and of course of course the printer was out of toner i sighed and had a a little rant to the other lady i work with she seemed very quiet so i checked to see how she was she told me she had contacted an old friend of hers who had recently seen the death of his daughter she seemed very unsettled so i looked over a beautiful letter she sent to her friend she said to me that she wasn t entirely sure if she had said the right thing in this letter she let her friend know that she too had lost a baby a daughter and simply said she was there when he needed her how much more perfect can you be all i said to her was that it would be exactly what she would have wanted to hear following the loss of her daughter i then told her about my experience of all the people she could have asked i felt relief i felt less alone i seem to meet people who have suffered the loss of a baby i wonder if it is our babies aligning the stars for us to all meet at some stage on our grief journey one of the things that most stuck with me was the fact she admitted she never truly began to heal until the birth of her second child i feel the same i know my heart will one day heal i just wish i did not have to wait comment babies filed under uncategorized leave a comment march 9 2013 always on my mind i know in my heart that a baby for myself and df is another 4 year away i have things i want to do he does we both do i want to go back to seattle for a month in 2015 we want to travel to visit family on the east coast we want to have a reasonable amount paid off our mortgage df and i want time to be us i want to have 5 years of teaching under my belt well now its 4 years i want to sleep drink wine spend money on clothes i want to be selfish for a little longer i want us to get married i want our car paid off but that doesn t mean the maternal side of my brain isn t screaming at me every chance it gets a baby for us while it would be so very loved would be a disaster for most other aspects of our life it doesn t mean i don t secretly hope it happens baby brain or what comment seattle filed under uncategorized 2 comments march 4 2013 oh seattle i wish i could re wind back to the moment when i first got to see you and stay there i don t know why i have never really blogged about it but now i am ready it is a time in my life that i now continuously dream of it began in jan of 2012 when i told my beautiful friend k i was coming to the us whether she liked it or not the countdowns began and before i knew it it was october 10th i got on a flight that took me to dubai and then across to seattle 48 hours and two flights later i was in sea tac international airport bewildered lost and trying to find someone i had never met in real life exhaustion clung to me like no body s business as i tired to work out where k said she d meet me it took me a few goes to work out which baggage claim i was to meet her at but i did it i saw her tall hair loose with that look people have all people at the airport as she scanned the crowds searching for me i clapped eyes on her recognising her instantly she must have seen this exhausted looking woman looking at her and clicked i am sure it must have been a little creepy as she walked towards me and i her i broke down in tears this meeting was a long time coming the losses of 6 babies between us an internet friendship of 5 years 3000 on flights and about 5 days total travelling time we finally got to meet i am pretty sure i started to shake as i cried and she just stood there and hugged me tight until i calmed down she said it was like meeting a long lost sister and that was exactly what it was to me as well nothing awkward just a feeling of finally finally we got to meet after all these years we got to spend the day in seattle before heading back to where k goes to uni seattle it was ah mazing the day i flew in on the 11th it was sunny it would seem that i brought the sun with me i was so fatigued with jet lag that there was no point in me sleeping so we went to the mall i don t think it is any different from what we have here but it was still pretty cool to visit shops and see the brand names made famous to the world by movies i got to shop at macy s and later in my trip much to my delight and k s amusement at walmart so much amazeballs we also paid a visit to a special beach edmonds where the water was still as anything and the air was so beautifully cold it hurt to breathe for a bit i can t remember what time i went to bed on that first day but i know it was late i think i slept for about 7 hours which was so so so needed after k practically dumping a bucket of water on me to get me to get up we had coffee breakfast and saif goodbye to her lovely family as we went to explore the city of seattle we went outside to a cloudy overcast day and drove into the city it is an amazing place and i am looking forward to another visit k took me past where the original episodes of grey s anatomy were filmed that being the other reason for my visit drove past the space needle we didnt have time to visit the inside of it and visited the pike place market which was awesome a few souveniers later and it was time for us to get into the car and head to k s home the drive through the mountains of washington state was something i cannot even describe it was so cold and rainy that this incredible mist hung over the massive mountains as we wound our way through them it was bizzaire for me driving on the other side of the road and once we hit the open fields i would freak out quietly thinking the cars in the opposite direction were going to hit us i still managed a nap on the trip after a 4 hour drive we got to where k and her df live a lovely little apartment i finally got to meet their pup and we settled in for the evening i know i woke up early the next morning as i was still on australia time it was dark but hey i was wiiiide awake i know the jet lag was hard on k as it was hard for me but it was ok it took me about a week before i got settled i was supposed to make a trip to west virginia to meet the very first person who helped me through losing lily but due to circumstances beyond our control it did not happen this resulted in manic emails to my travel agent in australia and a little extra money but i got to spend an extra week with k and her df and meet some of his family i was also lucky enough to be able to go on campus with k and sit in on a lecture k told me after returning from classes the next day that her peers were fascinated by me it would seem they dont come across too many australians lol most importantly we got to spend october 15th together each year we share the day together but this year oh goodness what a special day we made flags inspired by carly marie s prayer flag project and personalised candles for our babies it was a bittersweet day but one i am so very glad i got to share with her k sent back her flag with me to have it photographed by carly such a special moment for her i am sure the only let down for the whole trip was the fact i didn t get to see snow it was forecast but it just wasn t cold enough so the plan is to go back in january 2015 i long for that day i just hope i get to see her before then comment march filed under uncategorized leave a comment wow march already i haven t made a post on here since december it has been a crazy few months with a lovely wamr family christmas a wonderful new year two new jobs in the space of a month and a move to a new town whew no wonder i am exhausted no news not that there is ever news on the baby front had a few weeks where i thought it was possible that we had fallen but no it was just my body screwing with me for skipping my inactive sugar pills in december to avoid a christmas day period serves me right df and i were having a conversation last night and i brought up a study i had read about 26 being the ideal age for ttc and raising a baby he flat out said no as this would be only another 2 years or so away for us 27 he said i turn 24 in may so not far away now right ideally we d like to have a fair chunk of our mortgage paid off and a little money in the bank and i know this but it doesn t stop the waiting the wishing and the hoping our home is weeks out from being finished it s super exciting it looks amazing just as we hoped it would currently waiting on a completion date so we can move in the move in will be hard though as i have just taken up a country teaching position here in aus i ve moved 600k s away from my life my home df and my family but at the end of the day i am teaching that is what counts i think i like it definitely better than being a checkout chick by a long shot it s a tough gig but thankfully i m tough it will be worth it when we are saying our vows in october and i will be able to teach at my pick of schools i have to keep reminding myself of this it will hopefully also see me return to america in 2015 hopefully 2014 to see k again especially given her heartbreakingly amazing post from when i was able to vist http mommyofoctoberangels blogspot com au 2012 11 i miss her html i honestly must write about the trip i don t think i did but god i miss her so very much march also sees lily s 6th edd birthday the 17th of march always leaves me feeling empty sad and thankful for my daughter and the changes she s made to my life comment aside filed under uncategorized 1 comment december 16 2012 as a teacher and as a human being the school shooting in conneticut us has left me rattled and asking the same question as the rest of the world why what posessed a 20 something year old man to kill not only his own mother but then to gun down 20 primary aged children and their teachers as a teacher myself i can imagine the pure ice cold fear that ran through those teacher s veins as they tried as a part of their duty of care and as a caring person to protect their tiny students from the horror that was being unleashed in their school the very unlikely but all too real threat of an armed person walking into the place where we work where we teach where we spend our lives as students and as teachers is something that terrifies me to the core for these students and teachers to have gone through this some suriving some not is not something they and their families are going through alone we are with you comment older entries recent entries leaving the end of a beautiful beginning jealousy rears its ugly head peace at last 713 712 babies seattle march 677 browse popular tags meta create account log in entries rss comments rss friends links all my peccadilloes amemorytree s blog an anonymous woman s anonymous journey an offering of love bodega bliss footprints on my heart grievingdads com project http therootofallevel wordpress com jordansroom s blog kallaydoscope kvirrueta s blog life after miscarriage the new normal life family and the pursuit of sanity lindsay guard misconception my autoimmune life nunn the wiser saying goodbye to mousie still thinking again the mis adventures of jenna the long and winding road the young and the infertile this could be something uni begins pages odyssey to hope monthly archives january 2014 december 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