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ew minutes this morning to ruminate over my elderliness i mean if i were a little younger i wouldn t have to color my hair or wrestle my mushy old lady flesh into my spanx must wear dress as pants don t fit again while i wasn t blogging for the past 8 months i wasn t busy at the gym but then again i wouldn t need to blog about getting old so i would have like 4 hours of free time this morning if i had 4 hours of free time from not blogging and not coloring and wrestling i d probably just waste it reading novels about crazy rich asians because that s what i ve been doing this week i m on my second one and not even by the same author don t misunderstand they are not good i don t recommend them i did learn that shenzhen is like chinese tijuana but don t tell that to my sister in law jane and her family because they moved there last week so my birthday party starts today with lunch with some of my lady relations at the liberty market then my visiting teachers are taking me to dinner and then the party continues at book club tonight although is not actual party in my honor but official book club meeting even though we didn t read any book and are just having a potluck that s totally kosher behavior when you ve been book clubbing with the same ladies for 10 years books are optional also only 40 year olds have been in book clubs for ten years twenty somethings are still maybe busy in actual clubs looking for boys tomorrow jake and i are going to scottsdale for the official birthiversary festivities i got married on my 23rd birthday so my 40th birthday is also my 17th wedding anniversary where we will feast on croque monsieur at la grande orange or maybe get a kobe burger and a bananas foster milkshake at zinburger then go to to movies to see way way back at camelview maybe sift through some fancy but mildly used italian shoes at last chance then check into the montelucia which is so cheap is like they are begging on hands and knees for us to come over and get facials feels financially irresponsible not to get facials plus am old so need facial more than ever then go to dinner at either blt at camelback inn because the popovers will leave you a changed woman or to elements at sanctuary which sounds good too and then on saturday we will go to the spa then stop at sprinkles on the way home to get birthday cupcakes i hope they have the lemon coconut anyway it is hard to be sad about turning 40 when i get to eat so much good stuff and someone else is getting paid to squeeze my blackheads and also i have such great kids and jake and parents and siblings and friends and maybe someday they ll say that 99 is new 40 and i ll get to do it all over again as a nonagenarian 22nd birthday apartment 16 at the riviera chris from sofa me and jake 81 degrees 23rd birthday mesa temple 110 degrees 39th birthday camelback inn 107 degrees before our pre anniversary dinner last week at jake s del mar 75 degrees posted by beeswax at 10 06 am 7 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest friday november 09 2012 no news is good news hi here i am blogging right now look at my hair this is how it looked when i woke up this morning it felt mildly miraculous so i didn t brush it or anything fine is maybe possible that it looks okay because i only slept on it for four hours as last night was book club night so i m here because of the news normally i don t read the news i know you won t think that is cool especially if you read the news all the time but i ll tell you it gets me down one of the reasons i have a history degree is that history is over and time gives us perspective and breathing room to talk without getting sweaty pits and yelling at one another usually in the news everything is sold as the end of the world but if you know your history you ll know that nothing ever really has been the end of the world yet and if something was going to be the end of the world i would bet against the news guessing that thing right anyway my news binge started with innocent googling of polls in the presidential race and then there was some reading on how polls work and that was really interesting but then i got sucked into election news and then there was sandy so you know i felt like i should check that out was only me being a compassionate citizen was nothing like rubbernecking but then i found out paul newman died in 2008 and i was in mild mourning because he was you know foxy and also cool hand luke i mean that was a lot of eggs even in 1967 plus all the salad dressing for charity i was out of control there were so many celebrities with problems lady gaga has an eating disorder that guy on how i met your mother who is living with that girl who had heath ledger s baby had to move out of their fancy new brooklyn apartment that got flooded and move into their fancy old apartment that was on higher ground the horror so many stories about christina aguilera that i didn t click on because i don t give a fig about christina aguilera or that guy who strokes the cat i even went euro did you know that sicily has 26 000 auxiliary forest rangers and the the forests of british colombia have fewer than 1 500 is too many rangers sicily is an embarrassing amount of rangers no wonder germany is so ticked and then a baby got eaten by wild dogs at a zoo and i was like noooooooo don t tell me about the babies i seriously can t handle the babies but still it wasn t over one day i listened to talk radio the angry kind and i liked it don t tell jake he ll never let me live it down and now i feel sort of dirty from all the news feel free to leave me comments to welcome me back to the internets i ve missed you posted by beeswax at 4 07 pm 7 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest friday june 01 2012 why am i blogging at midnight my kids will be up soon and want me to make them cinnamon toast on white bread that we don t have hi there school is out which is good i m not complaining but i am very tired i need more stamina i think i can achieve this by eating more chocolate covered bananas and zucchini banana coconut bread made out of our baseball bat sized zucchini i think i need to go to fry s and buy more bananas sam s teacher decided to have a science fair the last week of school so we baked cookies on the dashboard of my 91 integra it was nearly 250 in there we burned the second batch even so he won the science fair and the language arts award for his class ross was named 7th grade student of the year for his class this was also surprising considering the smarty pants school he attends but not totally shocking as everywhere ross goes people seem to chuck blue ribbons and crystal apples and assorted plaques at him he also designed a catapult with a few of his friends for his term project it was designed to launch fruits veggies or tennis balls it was pretty much the best thing that happened in school all year jane finished out the year with an a average and tommy graduated from kindergarten it almost didn t happen because at the last moment he freaked out and wouldn t put on his cap and gown we still aren t totally clear on what happened but we think he decided he wasn t wearing a dress once he saw all the other boys wearing their own dresses he came around so now there is nothing to do but swim play minecraft try out new chore schemes i read about in parenting books and watch youtube yes i bought it on itunes enjoy posted by beeswax at 11 47 pm 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday may 14 2012 the good news is i didn t get a baby rat for mother s day well now mother s day is over and i got just what i wanted lots of stuff to put on my blog but first i need to address what i have seen out there on the internets lots of ladies who feel guilty or disappointed on mother s day to those who feel guilty seriously knock it off you know what you should feel guilty about feeling guilty you are probably the ones who spend all your time cleaning cooking organic meals and taking your kids to the park why when i was a kid and bugged my mom about being bored she told me to go get my razor blades and play in the street she was mostly kidding and also she took us to the park a lot so i m not making my point very well oh well listen ladies you ve done enough just once you should do like me let the house go to crap over the weekend eat lots of cake and candy that your husband wasn t supposed to buy for you because he knows about your candy problem and how you are losing your p90x momentum gain 4 pounds overnight from the sugar i guess plug your toddler into elmo mis ter noodle light the vanilla candle your 13 year old bought you as a symbol of his mother devotion so you can t smell what is stewing down there at the bottom of the kitchen sink and spend some time on the internet you know pinterest facebook or some blogs yours or someone else s alternately you could go back to bed i know all the other bloggers are telling you to unplug go spend more time with your families but if you are lucky like me most of your kids are in school for like another week you can t go outside because it is 107 degrees and you just need to plant your rear in your desk chair and enjoy the silence and the elmo s world theme song you probably won t sit down again until august guilty ladies are you nervous let me assure you that somehow stuff gets done for instance i just discovered that my just turned two year old knows all his letters he doesn t talk but he is a letter savant or maybe the other kids taught him who knows all i m sayin is stuff gets done and i didn t do it some stuff not all of it he doesn t seem to know g to those who feel disappointed on mother s day seriously don t you see how this holiday is set up to fail you aren t ever going to have both breakfast in bed and a clean kitchen both a nap and all the small cherubic children both a day to yourself and lots of wonderful grandmas with which to celebrate or both a lie in and the chocolate covered strawberries they passed out in eight a m sacrament meeting haven t we learned by now that having it all was just a terrible lie inflicted on our mothers that we can definitely have some of it whatever part we want really us lucky duck american women but wanting it all especially all at the same time is miserably exhausting and will only make us angry although i will forever be grateful for the right to wear pants even if mine don t usually fit so anyhow i suggest you like me play the mother s day you were dealt revel in it even first of all on friday night i got an almost date we took jane with us to a wedding reception where there was a photo booth and pie that s a good time people on saturday tommy remembered hey tomorrow is mother s day we should get something for you like maybe a pet would you like a baby rat sam made me a fantastic coupon book at scouts plus an origami vase with tissue flowers the coupon book is beautifully illustrated for instance the coupon promising breakfast in bed has a bed in profile with an unseen hand cracking an egg onto the crumpled comforter i don t make my bed but i don t feel shame about it jake made me an omelette it had cheese and bacon in it he also sent me flowers like 100 of them the ones i liked from valentine s day that lasted for a whole month then he got all the boys ready and took them all to church at 7 30 cuz ross has to set up chairs jane and i were still late i do feel sorta bad about that why is 8 00 so early why am i so slow is it because i have to wrestle into the spanx jane gave me earrings and a new necklace this was just lovely having a daughter is very nice sometimes i m not gonna lie to you after church tommy handed me a card which he had allegedly dictated with his primary teacher acting as amanuensis which told me i looked beautiful but then the next line said thank you for all that you do the syntax seems a little fishy no plus no mention of rats so you know i have to wonder about the true authorship sam came out of church bearing a flowering plant in an attractive yellow ceramic pot from his pocket he produced this here mom he says and hands me the chopstick card sans plant this is for you happy mother s day when we got home he took the plant to his room i find this extremely enjoyable is that wrong after church we ate lunch with my mom and relations then drove out to glendale to have dinner with jake s mom and all the beeswax crew before we left i told ross to get tommy to fill out one of those forms you know how old is your grandma how much does she weigh the kids are supposed to get it wrong and it supposed to be hilarious but ross wasn t getting the humor and tommy wasn t getting it at all ross why do you like going to grandma beeswax s house tom to play with coco coco is a wiener dog ross what color are her eyes tommy brown ross i m pretty sure they are blue tommy no me ross just write whatever he says that s the point of the exercise ross what do you do to show her you love her tom i rub her belly while she lies on the couch ross huh me i think he s still talking about the dog on the way home from glendale jake started playing deejay and i asked him is this my special mother s day playlist he grinned sort of evilly and then grew very serious it went something like this video killed the radio star buggles super connected belly seasons of love rent fancy dancer bread wildflower the cult dancing with myself billy idol how was your mother s day did you receive any live gifts what would be on your special mother s day playlist posted by beeswax at 11 26 am 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest wednesday april 25 2012 see you there i m going to utah today going to the byu with all the other ladies for the women s conference i m pretty excited and not just cause i get a break from kids the other reason is i get a break from p90x oh and all the nice classes they provide are lovely too in the past my goal has been to eat my way across utah county but i am going to admit this hasn t brought me as much gastrointestinal joy as i had hoped so i am hoping to take it easy this year i am only going to eat creamery milkshakes mint brownies five courses with four desserts and pastrami burgers if i feel like it and not just because it is the right thing to do this is what i look like right this minute if you see me there say hello to me i would like to shake your hand posted by beeswax at 10 02 am 4 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday april 09 2012 you double dog dare me hi there again i m back because i realized that i like it when bloggers post stuff even if it isn t super interesting so i m thinking i should try that for awhile because i m trying new stuff and it s working for me just like how i took your advice and got off my treadmill and started p90x and stopped eating buns on my in n out burgers which alw...