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the encouragement of light skip to main skip to sidebar the encouragement of light in memory of baby sage and grandpa faulkner friday august 14 2009 writing a new direction as you may have noticed i have not been posting on the encouragement of light for a while now as my pregnancy has progressed i have felt less inclined to write here and as incredibly meaningful as this blog has been i did not want to force myself to continue it if it did not feel right so in the natural way of things this blog seems to be winding down of course my story of sage and dad does not end here they continue to be part of my life and the lives of the many people who loved them and my journey of grieving and healing is not over either i imagine it will never truly be over as long as i am alive it will simply keep changing as all things do dad who was a writer himself told me that he thought the best writers were not the ones who churned out lots of books but the ones who didn t write who waited until what they had to say could not be contained and they had to write this blog was that way for me for the last year and a half i had to write it and now i don t what is inspiring me and driving me to write now is my experience being pregnant with our second son mateo kenika carpenter who is due in about a month and although after he is born i will have less time to be on the computer i would like to have a way to share him with friends and family so i have decided to begin another blog www mateokenika blogspot com my hope is to create an online baby book the story of mateo s life during these first years which he will not remember but which will shape who he becomes i hope that reading his blog will someday nourish him as writing it will nourish me blessings to you all posted by jessie at 3 12 am 2 comments monday june 22 2009 happy birthday sage on this day two years ago sage sebastian carpenter was born i thought i would have a lot to write today but i am feeling quiet all there is to say is i miss you i love you your presence in our lives was a precious gift the first two photos were taken just after he was born the last was taken on my 31st birthday sage was 6 months old the end it is time for me to go mother i am going when in the paling darkness of the lonely dawn you stretch out your arms for your baby in the bed i shall say baby is not here mother i am going i shall become a delicate draught of air and caress you and i shall be ripples in the water when you bathe and kiss you and kiss you again in the gusty night when the rain patters on the leaves you will hear my whisper in your bed and my laughter will flash with the lightning through the open window into your room if you lie awake thinking of your baby till late into the night i shall sing to you from the stars sleep mother sleep on the straying moonbeams i shall steal over your bed and lie upon your bosom while you sleep i shall become a dream and through the little opening of your eyelids i shall slip into the depths of your sleep and when you wake up and look round startled like a twinkling firefly i shall flit out into the darkness when on the great festival of puja the neighbors children come and play about the house i shall melt into the music of the flute and throb in your heart all day dear auntie will come with puja presents and will ask where is our baby sister mother you will tell her softly he is in the pupils of my eyes he is in my body and in my soul rabindranath tagore posted by jessie at 8 27 pm 9 comments sunday june 21 2009 goodbye to the birth center michael and i attended the peace health nurse midwifery birth center farewell gathering today the house that has seen the births of so many babies including s age is closing and the property is being sold the midwives will continue to oper ate out of a hospital until the opening of a new birth center next spring it is sad for us to see the center close we have had wonderful prenatal care there for both pregnancies and sage was born there after his birth i went there almost every week for the well baby clinic where i got to know other mom s and babies had sage weighed and got breastfeeding advice from the lactation consultants today michael and i were able to spend a little time in the room where sage was born just remembering and honoring how sacred this place is to us we alway s imagin ed bringing our children there and saying this is the room where you were born also because we don t have a gravesite where we visit sage we saw the birth center as a place to connect with our memories of him it is where we held him for the very first time here is a photo of us with our extraordinary midwife chris heritage chris has been a touchstone for us during the profound experiences of birth and death her compassion and genuine care go beyond anything we have ever experienced from a health care provider the one consolation we have as we say goodbye to the birth center is that we will be able to continue working with chris and the other midwives and even though our next birth will be in a hospital we know they will provide us with the same high quality of care blessings to all the parents babies and professionals whose love and tears and courage gave the birth center its spirit posted by jessie at 4 28 pm no comments saturday june 20 2009 dad flashes a smile baked beans a word from the dead a poem for dad by his sister margie how i long for a voice to break the long silence a country strange and vast without sustenance a word in dream or vision to say i m safe home i m happy i m myself and more the person you knew and loved and didn t know day and night i m listening but not a word my brother as silent in death as he was in life when his mother and sisters waited months or years for a letter or a call as he trudged west shedding people and possessions just at the end he turned and flashed a smile and then was gone though he s in that new place where distance disappears in the twinkling of an eye or so they say he is as silent as god withholding comfort in the conspiracy of death but then from the friendly darkness of my recipe box i hear his voice laughing defiant sandwiched between beets and broccoli bake his recipe for baked beans sent just before he died i use pinto beans but i suppose great northern would work too i just don t trust anything that is white does that make me racist mix in two tablespoons of mustard make this stone ground not that yellow crap that people put on hot dogs bake at 250 for 9 hours these are earthly words like dreams and visions they tell me only what i know in a kitchen smelling of onions and molasses feed each other food cooked slowly while you laugh and talk and do good work it isn t much people have lived on less margie faulkner posted by jessie at 2 42 pm 1 comment sunday june 14 2009 babyloss eugene website i just finished creating a simple website for our babyloss group it took most of the weekend but i am happy with the result check it out and please let me know if you have any suggestions or feedback i will be adding more to the links section as i have time so if you know of any great links for bereaved parents i would love to hear about them babyloss eugene posted by jessie at 1 11 pm no comments friday june 12 2009 pregnancy after a loss in the fall of 2008 two other women csilla andor and leslie finley and i created the babyloss support group of eugene because there were no services of this kind in our community recently a couple of members and i have decided to branch off from the main support group to bring together parents who are pregnant or parenting after a loss the needs of parents who are are trying to conceive are pregnant or are parenting after a loss are unique and it can be difficult to find others to r elate to about aspects of this experience a typical prenatal class might not address the topic of previous losses at all and a baby or child loss support group might not be a comfortable place to talk about pregnancy because pregnancy is a common and painful trigger for many parents who have lost a child we hope that with two groups more people will be able to get their needs met anyone in the eugene area who is interested in either the original babyloss support group or the pregnancy and parenting after a loss group can contact me at babyloss eugene gmail com for more information posted by jessie at 9 20 pm no comments wednesday june 10 2009 between two worlds lately i have been going through a blogging identity crisis i find that at this point there are topics in my life other than grief that i feel compelled to write about the main one being the little boy growing inside me and yet i still have a lot of passion for the deeply important work of healing after a loss i have been unsure whether to turn the encouragement of light into a journal of my many varied thoughts including those about my pregnancy or if i should honor its original intention which was to have it be about sage dad grief and healing i have finally come to some resolution about this the encouragement of light will continue to be what it has been a haven for me to explore my continued process of healing and to share ideas information and inspiration with those who have experienced a loss i will be creating a new blog for our second son at some point i may end up posting much more on that second blog and this one may come to completion right now i am still immersed in both worlds when i have the new blog set up i will post the address so those who want to read about our second child will be able to i am excited to create that blog because it will be my form of a baby book that our child will be able to read someday it will also be a way to share him with our family members who live so far away in the meantime i just want to acknowledge that what i post here is an important piece of my life but it is not the only piece i hope by defining my intention this way it will be easier for me to write without feeling i have to give a complete picture on this one blog posted by jessie at 9 17 pm 5 comments saturday june 6 2009 the call of courage and love yesterday a friend told me about a family she is close to who had to take their newborn son off life support my friend is pregnant also and although she has not lost a child herself she is facing with open eyes the uncertainty of pregnancy of life my heart is filled for the baby and his parents and also for my friend who must walk forward as we all must with courage making the decision to have a child it s momentous it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body elizabeth stone to face uncertainty without getting caught in fear is not just the task of parents who have lost a child but of all humans i remember when my dad was first hospitalized with cancer i worried he would die and i pleaded wait he hasn t had enough time i haven t had enough time with him and then i realized that no amount of time would have ever felt like enough it is the same with sage of course nine months wasn t enough time with him and yet when i hear about this family who had only a few days with their son and he never opened his eyes well i can t help but feel immeasurably grateful for the blessing of those 9 months here is part of a john o donohue poem posted here for baby joshua and his parents and also for blair who is serving the call of courage and love though we need to weep your loss you dwell in that safe place in our hearts where no storm or night or pain can reach you now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath as close to us as we are to ourselves may this dark grief flower with hope in every heart that loves you may you continue to inspire us to enter each day with a generous heart to serve the call of courage and love posted by jessie at 4 18 pm 4 comments monday may 25 2009 walk to remember for those who have lost a child the compassionate friends an organization for bereaved parents and siblings will be holding their national conference in portland oregon this year on august 7 9 one aspect of the conference is an event called the walk to remember volunteers will be carrying the names of thousands of children loved missed and remembered you can submit your child s name on their website at no charge www tcfwalktoremember org posted by jessie at 4 06 pm no comments friday may 15 2009 to suffer is not enough thich nhat hanh on suffering life is filled with suffering but it is also filled with many wonders like the blue sky the sunshine the eyes of a baby to suffer is not enough we must also be in touch with the wonders of life they are within us and all around us everywhere any time posted by jessie at 7 18 am 1 comment older posts home subscribe to posts atom grandpa and sage 9 months old it felt love how did the rose ever open its heart and give to this world all its beauty it felt the encouragement of light against its being otherwise we all remain too frightened hafiz about the encouragement of light i started this blog in march 2008 days after an auto accident that killed my 9 month old son sage and my dad dennie and left me with serious injuries including a broken pelvis i write to share my exploration of life after losing my child and to process this experience my husband michael and i find ourselves in the foreign land of grief sometimes utterly lost and sometimes awed by unexpected beauty blog archive 2009 29 august 1 writing a new direction june 7 may 3 april 6 march 5 february 3 january 4 2008 113 december 5 november 5 october 7 september 9 august 9 july 12 june 15 may 19 april 31 march 1 links hip monkey kyle david miller foundation babyloss blog directory miss foundation for grieving parents compassionate friends grief support to be by your side song babyloss blogs a fifth season dr cacciatore s blog contemplation cacophony contumacity ferdinand s gifts amberlee s story anarchist mom missing eliana surviving the day grandpa and sage grandpa and sage two weeks old about us jessie eugene oregon united states view my complete profile map counter