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east in the part of me that knows and accepts somewhat reality i realise things like this and worse happen more frequently than i ever realised before my innocence was snatched away but i would never wish my eperiences of losing 3 of my precious and much wanted children on my worst enemies not that i really have those but you know what i mean i mean surely i had suffered enough for everyone two beautiful baby girls went to be with jesus on the 13th of december 2009 they were born on the 12th of december 2009 and i am guttered for that couple their families their friends because i know the road that they are now travelling and it is hard their close friends my husband s extended family suffered the loss of twins twice last year then i heard that a special lady i met through my old school suffered an agonising loss the loss of her much prayed for and wanted first son 38 wks her precious son was born sleeping on the 28th of november 2009 i am asking a lot of hard questions i know many of you would have asked many of the same ones at some point in time on your own journey so i won t be tedious and relay all of my frustrations i just want a break and not just for me but for so many i know i want the special niece of good friends to be free of cancer this year i want jason s aunt to not be dying of cancer i want my friends who are expecting to have healthy babies i want my own healthy alive baby this year i wish my boys had of been here for their first christmas i wish i knew them more i ache to know them really know them like i know my precious first born son i want this year to be free of stillbirth and miscarriage even though i know it won t be i just want it all to stop being so crap and to have more joy than sorrow in 2010 and yet for some 2009 was a year of hope of blessings and promises fulfilled new lives brought to pass and families created and multiplied i think of precious ocea born to carly and sam just before christmas what wonderful news what a massive relief to hear of a baby making it safely into this world the news of her arrival was of such joy to me such hope i think of my lovely friend laura who welcomed her beautiful baby boy sean into this world of sally and her precious angus these babes and their wonderful mumma s are the hope i am clinging onto for 2010 i will not give up i have to believe this will come again for us i am not setting new years resolutions pffft who really follows those through anyway i do aim to maintain things i achieved in these last 6 mths like losing a disgusting amount of weight soooo embarrassed it was all there to lose but 20 odd kg later i feel somewhat like me again i have a whole new old wardrobe very exciting i have stacks more energy and have been motivated through it all by my precious brave little guys matthew and joshua to grab my life back i did it boys i got to my goal weight i chased after a dream that lets face it probably would never have happened had you been here occupying my time which obviously i would trade in a heatbeat to have you both here not even a heatbeat i have rediscovered my drive and ambition and have learnt a lot this year being the perfectionist i am there is a lot i wish i had of done still and or done better my study is still not business ready but hubby is working on the re design and a lot more but things are happening and that s always exciting as i look back on 2009 i am thankful for new friendships made for old ones deepened for our amazing families who have loved and cherished us so beautifully these past months and have hurt right alongside us i am thankful for those that have encouraged me on this journey and for those that continue to walk with me into this new and yet unknown year i pray it s a blessed one for you all posted by sarah at sunday january 03 2010 12 comments friday november 13 2009 secret garden meeting october this meeting we would like to talk about where you are where are you at in your grief has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby how are you feeling how do you hope you will feel in the future have you found any peace at all firstly i will admit i avoided this meeting last month it was an angry and a disheartened phase and i just wasn t in the mood haha oh how liberally we use that phrase i feel like the waters of this journey have been particularly choppy again more accurately things have built up and exploded in spectacular fashion built up again and settled currently i am in a dormant stage of activity but be warned i could errupt at any moment with little notice i am sorry if i don t follow any particular flow here but since waiting to write just the right thing and in the right way has stopped me recently i am just boldly going forth with my dribble and hoping it comes out reasonably back to the volcano analogy we had a funeral a mth or so back i had not anticipated it would send me as troppo as i think it did although i was a bit of a snappy tom leading up to the event which should have given me some warning i was in a bit of a meltdown for the person who passed on from this earth it was no doubt a blessing being freed from her many ailments and issues but it brought a whole lot up to the surface for me and indeed it was not well with my soul a well known song written by a guy that lost his entire family i had sung this very song at my own sons memorial service and somehow i could sing it i believed it god certainly was holding me rather tightly at that time this last time i was actually shaking my head no not it s not well with my soul at all i guess it was a bit of fairly hot anger directed at god i thought nasty words i was mad oh yes that s right again and my anger wasn t so much as a result of this lady s passing but at the frustration and hurt that my precious twin boys were not there with us that people weren t clambering for a cuddles and goo ing and gaa ing selfish girl i am all that meant i had a really interesting month leading up to and after the event lots of yo yo emotions and feeling lost in transit torn between this life and the next i know jason and caleb need me and i need them and yet i need my other sons with every fibre of my being but they don t really need me where they are and yet i want to be with them too no correction i want us all to be together it s really not fair i wish that ache of hearing about other people s alive twins would go away to be honest i wish i didn t have to hear about other twins that are in real life existence dammit i wanted to experience being a mummy of twins i guess there is progress as far as moving through this grief i can hold other babies i love staring at them and drinking in their absolute beauty i love holding them and rocking them i possibly feel like keeping one or two but i crave my own baby caleb craves a baby to love he just adores babies poor love he d be a fabulous big brother with all the hoo ha of this drama that has been our lives this year we realised for my sanity and comfort that we would get private health cover i wasn t entirely happy with my gp in my pregnancy with the twins he was so laidback about it all and i being new to this multiple thing was just about hitting the ceiling with my constant thoughts and questions about twins anyway i don t want to go into all that for the most part he is a great dr having seen me through my pregnancy with caleb and subsequent miscarriage he came to my door personally to offer his condolences and give me my boys ashes but i have digressed we got our private health cover sorted thanks mostly in part to some very generous friends you know who you are and it gave me a focus for the first time in months i could breathe relax and take time to get myself a bit more sorted i had goals i had time to achieve them without fretting like i was previous to this decision about the right time to try again and worrying about whether it would all hit the fan again i have suceeded in losing bulk weight yay what a burden that had become i am almost back to my normal weight praise god for that i feel almost ready to jump on this wagon again and then the anxiety hits i can feel it in my shoulders and my gut is churning most days at some point just thinking about it the problem being i am desperate for a baby totally totally wanting another baby i can t for now we have to make sure we wait at least until our 3 mth waiting period for our health cover is up which in itself is ok but i think as it gets closer the nerves are having a good old rattle i know it is not a good way to think but i really doubt it all working again for me i have entirely lost faith that this pregnancy thing works i am a shattered woman so as much as i want to be pregnant again and want another baby i am dreading losing another child i could not survive it again i don t think and i swear god if you test me on that i know i shouldn t be thinking already it will end badly i wish i could turn my thinking around i really do it s not that i doubt it working for others although that too has become much harder i guess i am just panicking that this is my lot in life that i won t ever be blessed with another living child i have been positive about this it s only recently i realised and probably as the anxiety has increased that i am finding it harder and harder to believe i may get another chance to be a mum i worry that siblings siblings in law will progres onto other pregnancies and get their babies and that i won t i truly am panicking that i will likely be pregnant at the same time but yet not get a baby at the end but of course that they will breathe i wanted an easier season after this one seems it s not my turn yet insert bad word here my word has it only been 5 months good grief it feels like a lifetime and in part i guess i am feeling that because i have lost a lifetime with my twin sons exhausting thing it is this grief i just want a little peek into the future just a little one what s in store for me god posted by sarah at friday november 13 2009 11 comments labels the secret garden meeting thursday october 15 2009 significance of today today is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day there is a very long list toward the end of this post how i wish i was reading all about these babies milestones instead of how much pain their families are in most of us in this little blog world know this i wish it would all stop it sucks big time i posted the video from the stillbirth foundation on facebook too not to make people feel bad or awkward but to get them to open their eyes to things that go on around them that the world is not a perfect place in fact it is one where many die and suffer every year an equally large number of babies die every year as well as all the more common causes of death for adults etc but how many recognise that this video is from the stillbirth foundation in australia it is hard to watch i recognise the pain in many of those faces if only it could have been so different for all of us i couldn t figure out how to get the actual video in the post i m feeling way too frazzled and emotional to keep trying but please follow the link and have a look you may recognise sally from tuesday s hope hope s picture is labelled with her name she is pictured with her mummy and her daddy http www youtube com watch v 0vuvm3uvt8e i join with sally and all of you other amazing women as tonight at 7pm we light a candle or in our case 2 for our precious ones that are no longer with us my heart is breaking today for all of us in honour and rememberance of my beautiful twin boys you are always in our hearts we miss you more than we can say much love always mummy xx all of the little baby friends matthew and joshua are playing with up in heaven and i know there a many more out there i tried to include as many as i could remember from my wonderful blogging community and irl also if i have forgotten anyone please please add them to the list in a comment and i will edit my post all of our babies are important and never ever forgotten i have added names to the top of the list that sally started matthew joshua andrew doran baby e doran aubrey ellie bailey chase wyatt baby mitchell baby carr baby griffiths baby gethin baby mallin bridgitte ashlyn tyler maddy hudson gavin parker baby hutchison tina i hope you don t mind me adding this to the list vivian annemarie bryce carleigh emma chase suz s 2 angels mackenzie magnus jasper adison lillian jordan daniel jenna belle maxton phineas elijah jett christian lucia iris ezra cayden jordan silas lev sam tikva alice george teddy cameron henry harry charlotte jacob hannah callum serenity caleb maddy malou ciaran georgina emma collin zachery finn ferdinand sienna angel fionn a william malina lachlan abigail mackenzie sky rose sophie peyton rory nicholas curtis kara birdie leila leyla noah maya baker akul calvin spencer isla josie jack colden zoe ashlyn caitlin alexander lucy avery sophie sophie aiden sophia ellie sophia nicholas posted by sarah at thursday october 15 2009 16 comments tuesday october 6 2009 mad i can t seem to write anything that makes sense i only have to read a sentence or two from some blog posts to feel like i am shaking and fighting back sobs i want to write but nothing comes out right or it doesn t say what i want it to i am reading some of my regular blogs again but i guess my heart is not ready to contribute to the group yet bear with me i am still mad mad that my boys had to get stupid ttts mad that i didn t get to bring them home alive mad that other people are having twins and they both survive mad and barfing at people that seem to be planning to be pregnant at the same time and will probably end up with healthy beautiful babies mad that is now now waaaaay past september and i am not overcome with tiredness and dealing with 3 under 3 mad that my due date passed with not a whisper from anyone that s right anyone mad that i don t feel the same joy i use to when others announced their news instead i roll my eyes or just ignore or cry silently or secretely dislike them a lot or just indifferent i feel jealous instead what fun will i ever be the same person again who can squeal with delight at someone s news don t get me wrong i don t want to wish this pain on others i just want my turn i am mad that i m not naive and that i know how many squillions of things that can go wrong with pregnancy and babies i m mad that i won t feel completely relaxed about the next one god willing until they are safe home in their crib and even then i read in the paper on sunday about an olympic swimmer who lost his 2 yr old son just days before he was to turn 2 i m guessing it was sids the paper didn t say my dh tells me not to read these things or watch things like that on tv but there i was soaking up every detail of that article trying to hold myself together why are their little lives threatened so why can t they just be give me their suffering anyday that children should suffer and die just...