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description=Waiting for God s time and listening to God s plan in having our child after a loss;

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four extra weeks of this and i seriously may lose my mind yes i can do more this time around the house but i am stuck here i can take k to school on tuesday thursday and pick her up go to a drive thru which i do some but really only on tuesday thursday so i don t have to pick k up and put her in the car more than i need to and to church yes today is sunday so i should be happy that i went to church today but it is icy and freezing so we made the decision not to go our drive way is really steep and d was worried about me falling on the ice walking into church probably realistic so the one day a week i can go somewhere and see friends and actually be somewhat normal i didn t get to do yes i am losing my mind again my ob same as last time said when my mom and sister come this week i can go get my nails done you have no idea how excited i am about that cause it means i can leave that being said i would to get out of this house and feel normal however i know i have a long time before that will really happen i go back to the ob on thursday for my hour long glucose test is it bad that i am kind of happy about this because it means i will out of the house for a while we need to make it another 10 weeks before little man is born so 4 down 10 to go i think i can i think i can this entry was posted in infant loss infertility ivf preterm labor uncategorized on december 31 2017 by caroline boy pregnancy after boy infant loss 6 replies people ask me all the time what is it like to be pregnant with a boy after a boy infant loss it is a legitimate question for sure the best example of what it is like that i can give is an example from thanksgiving we were in florida visiting family and went to the cemetery just like every time we are in gainesville we always take kennedy and flowers and talk very openly about jackson we do all the time and if you ask her what her baby brother s name is she will tell you and then immediately say and jackson if you ask her where jackson is she will say with jesus no she doesn t really know what that means yet but she will this time when we went i was about 21 22 weeks along no complications yet at all however as we were walking to his grave all i could do was look around his grave to see if there were any openings in my head being pregnant with a boy means needing to find him a final resting place and a headstone that s what it is like being pregnant with a boy after losing one it is praying for the best but expecting the worst it is not allowing yourself to get attached to him because you don t know how long you get to keep him it is very different than being pregnant with a girl for me at least don t mistake that for saying it was easy to be pregnant with kennedy because it was absolutely not all i knew then was pregnancy death i really think though if i was pregnant with a girl right now my anxiety would be much lower than it is i would still have some no question but it would be lower we are slowly getting stuff ready for him his crib and dresser came in about a week ago my sister and bil as well as my parents are coming in a few weeks so we are waiting to turn the guest room into his room the curtains for his room came today we still need to find a rug and i need to get a mattress for his crib once my family comes we will get his room painted we are doing everything in navy and gray we are going to do one wall navy the one behind his crib and the other three gray it has taken me a while to feel ok about getting stuff ready for him i am telling you this whole boy pregnancy this time is hard the last time i bought stuff for a boy s room i took it back the last time i bought boy clothes they got returned i am starting to feel more confident not quite there yet but working on it this entry was posted in infant loss infertility ivf preterm labor uncategorized on december 29 2017 by caroline how i regained control of my body after ivf leave a reply i really feel like this is an awkward post but so many of you ladies have been on my heart about it and several of you have facebook messaged me about it ivf really ruined my body in so many ways i gained weight all the time my face broke out i honestly hated my body then i got pregnant with jackson and gained weight but did not have a baby to show for it two more round of ivf and a round of iui all failed and i was the biggest i had ever been from someone who was a size 2 zero sometimes and rarely a 4 who was consistently wearing an 8 10 if not a 12 i was miserable finally i started to lose it all and got pregnant with kennedy i gained more weight after kennedy was born than when i was pregnant with her i had been so sick pregnant that i once i could actually eat i did i ate a ton i weighed more than ever when kennedy was about 8 9 months old i looked better in her newborn pictures than i did in her 9 month pictures one day i lost it to a girlfriend i was exhausted from working full time i was working out some but it was doing nothing she gave me one packet of spark and told me to try it and see how i liked it i was skeptical how could this one drink help me feel better physically and maybe lose some weight well i drank it that day at work and loved the taste and how i felt that afternoon i actually had energy and was not drinking 2 3 diet cokes or coffee full of cream and sugar i really hate the taste of coffee but love that it keeps me awake lol i ordered a variety pack through her that night within a few weeks i was sold i felt so much better in the afternoon because i wasn t drinking diet coke and coffee all afternoon soon i started drinking their shakes for breakfast this was when i really started to lose some weight now i was eating a healthy breakfast full of vitamins and not nearly as many calories and i was drinking caffeine with very few calories 5 and not all of the sugar that coffee had beginning in january 2017 i kept drinking the shakes for breakfast and snacks and drinking the spark and added in rehydrate instead of drinking all the gatorade less sugar less calories when i worked out i actually had energy to work out as well but i didn t do a ton i was able to get down to my pre ivf weight i mean my pre ivf weight from the very first ivf in january 2013 it took 4 years but i was back to normal i felt like a million bucks now the big thing was that when i started on the products i was stressed to the limit about finances we had spent about 80k on ivf at that point which was nowhere near paid off kennedy was with a sitter so there were more expenses i didn t want to tell d that i was buying the products at first i am the one who does all the finances and i knew he would not notice honestly but i was so stressed that every penny i spent needed to be justified it was so worth it though i did start selling which is why this is awkward to me because honestly i needed a way to pay for the products so i could keep using them i was able to pretty quickly pay for my products i will never sell enough to quit my job which i don t want to do honestly but i have been able to pay for my products and some months pay for kennedy s daycare she goes now it has helped so much being pregnant and so sick for so long the shakes were a life saver i seriously credit them to why i have actually gained weight this time i would drink them all the time when i was sick there were days they were about the only thing i ate i knew if i drank them i would be giving little man the vitamins and nutrients he needed i do still drink caffeine pregnant not a ton and not every single day but i do still drink some spark my ob knows and has approved it which helps me survive when i am exhausted here is the thing ladies infertility screws up our bodies it drains us financially and beats us up emotionally i really just wanted to share what worked for me to help me feel like i had regained some control of my life body and some of my finances i really don t care about selling it i really don t at this point i am sold on the products and could never sell another thing ever and i would still buy them i have just had several infertility friends message me on facebook about the products and really wanted to share them with you all several are starting on them in january for the exact same reasons i did fertility meds wrecked their bodies and they want to get control back if you are interested at all please feel free to comment below or check out my website fitwithcaroline com promise i am not going to be posting about this often at all this entry was posted in infant loss infertility iui ivf uncategorized on december 28 2017 by caroline 26 weeks 4 days 2 replies all is good still here i went back to the doctor today little man is doing well he is still breech which i don t love but he has plenty of time still he was 2lbs 1oz last week so i figure he is probably about 2lbs 6oz this week which is great my mom was able to go with me today for the first time we were able to get some good pictures of little man still on modified bedrest which is not fun but we are making it i miss going and doing stuff but it is way better than full bedrest i can go to church which helps a ton advantage of having your ob as a friend who goes to church with you overall good news still here this entry was posted in uncategorized on december 28 2017 by caroline no news is good news 1 reply i guess we will go with no news is good news i am still pregnant which is all that really matters i am on modified bedrest still but can do more than i expected i can do basically one activity around the house i e unload dishwasher and then i have to rest for a while the contractions come and go still as long as i can stop what i am doing and they stop no one is worried no dilation still which is the key i cannot go in stores etc which this time of year kind of stinks but we are managing the only other big issue is not picking k up more than to put her in her bed and car seat i feel bad for her whenever a friend comes over or a d gets home she just wants them to carry her we have spent a ton of time cuddling in bed or on the couch which of course i love but she wants to play outside and i can t i have hired a sitter multiple times to seriously just play with her while i am here she has had several playdates with my girlfriends and their kids which helps she goes to church two days a week so she gets play time there she has had hand foot and mouth though which has only complicated matters in someways though it has made it easier because she does just want to sit around and cuddle some we went to the mfm again this week we already had it scheduled and i was glad it came when it did anatomically little man appears normal which is a huge relief he checked for cdh so many times to just make sure nothing is being missed at 24 weeks 2 days he weighed 1lb 10 oz this is great news since jackson was only 1lb 3oz at 25 weeks 1 day it is also great since k had growth restriction and he is at a very high risk for it the bigger we can get him now the better he is in the 53 which neither of them have ever been that high i am actually gaining weight this time which is weird but good i have gained probably 8 9lbs total but i only gained 13 with kennedy through 37 weeks i have been taking lots of meds which i think has helped regardless it is good my stomach though is stretching and i am so much more uncomfortable than ever before all i want to eat is sweets too we shall see about that whole diabetes thing lol than that we are doing pretty well just hanging out and praying little man stays put for 12 more weeks or so this entry was posted in uncategorized on december 16 2017 by caroline second biggest fear realized 7 replies yes i know i am way behind on blogging there are a number of reasons for that which i will try and get to later no being busy is really not the main one anyways i am 23 weeks 3 days pregnant with our second little boy yes the entire idea of having another boy freaks me the heck out to say the very least i have really struggled with it since week 12 when we found out as i have told multiple people all i know about having a boy is they don t survive yes i know plenty of people have little boys running around healthy and happy but i don t know that life for me personally well sunday at 23 weeks exactly my second biggest fear going into this entire pregnancy thing became a reality 1 being losing him i am back on bedrest yep made it an entire 23 weeks before bedrest this time with k i made it 27 weeks to say i am frustrated is an understatement i am not on strict bedrest right now just modified which is honestly a huge difference i can take k to school if needed i have not this week friends have really stepped up and helped a ton i can cook some and get k and i food etc while d is at work i can t pick her up except to her in her bed take her out and in out of the car which i haven t done other than that no picking her she can crawl in my life which she is really good at no more work for me which i am honestly good with i teach fully online so really my work doesn t change just my location my boss is awesome and good with me being home especially since i have shown previously i can do it mainly my frustration is missing things with k i was so worried that i would miss things being pregnant again and i am monday i missed taking her to the christmas parade d took her and they had a great time he as super sweet and took a video of it for me this weekend our church does first christmas where they recreate the christmas story etc we went last year and i was really looking forward to taking her this year d is still going to but you guessed it i am going to miss it d decorated the house with lights this year he never has and i have begged for years and every night they go outside and look at them i went the first night because i refused to miss it when i could go yes i know she isn t even 2 and will not remember but still i don t want to miss things i worked so hard for her and really its miserable to miss anything with her so how is he doing he is doing great he is by far our biggest baby to this point he measured 1lb 5oz at 23 weeks and 1 day for a comparison j was 1lb 3oz at 25 weeks and 1 day kennedy was about the same as j for size we are hoping he stays bigger intrauterine growth restriction is a major concern again this time since she had it i go back to the mfm next week so we will see what he says i have gained more weight at this point than any other pregnancy 6 7lbs yay anatomically everything is normal on him so far which is a huge relief if we can make these stupid contractions go away they were 2 4 mins apart this weekend i think we will be good i go back monday and we will reevaluate i promise to try and catch up on blogging etc this entry was posted in infant loss infertility ivf preterm labor uncategorized on december 7 2017 by caroline lack of posts 2 replies sorry for the lack of posts i think a couple things are ha...