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Text of the page (random words):
ve tried it all chlomid famara trigger shots progesterone iui s and most recently in vitro want to know the most frustrating part about all of it we still have no idea why i can t get pregnant i ve been tested marc has been tested ask marc about it he loves to talk about it and at this point i ve pretty much forgotten everything that has been done and tested i couldn t tell you the month to month tries and fails because i have forgotten them because none of them have been successful that s mostly what i can remember about it nothing has worked there has just been month after month of disappointment heartache and confusion i know of many and even have some very close friends that haven t even been able to have one child of their own my heart truly goes out to them during this process i couldn t even begin to express how undeniable grateful i am for my cannon i love him and am so grateful for the joy he brings into my life i am blessed to be his mom i have also become even more grateful for my supportive hilarious realistic and unbreakably faithful husband not to brag but basically i can t imagine a better husband or father he is mine and i am blessed to have him i have no doubts that marc was put on this earth for me he is what i need in my life in every way i love my marc and cannon so much sometimes i literally feel like my heart is going to burst i don t care how corny it is it s the truth and i know that because i ve struggled and longed to have a baby that i ve come to realize just how truly blessed i am i ve also learned the importance of enjoying my life and my family while we re just a family of 3 this past year i ve made it a goal to enjoy my little family and i do believe i ve done my best at that we ve made lasting memories and i don t think i ll forget the years i ve spent with our family of 3 it s interesting now dealing with infertility i can now understand how some of my friends and family have felt during their struggles it s interesting to think about my emotions and how they ve changed during the last two years at first every month was emotional month after month and night after night of tears poor marc has had to deal with a lot of crying and emotions there s been a lot of high hopes during a new treatment or procedure and then a lot of anger and possibly swear words when finding out that yet again it didn t work i never understood why some women who dealt with infertility didn t want to be around others who were pregnant or who had children i thought that was selfish and childish now i understand i understand how looking at pregnant women and having angry feelings towards them happens i understand being angry and upset and let down with god as well i ve had times where i can feel extremely faithful in his timing and plan for us and i ve had countless times where my doubts take over and i start to tell myself that he isn t even listening luckily those feelings of anger never last too long i have been supported by a husband and family members who are always there to remind me that heavenly father is listening and that our timing will come there is one thing i know for certain and that is that there is another baby coming our way no i am not pregnant now but the spirit has assured me multiple times that there is another special child coming to our family sometimes i wonder if the reason why it s taking so long is because i m going to have twins or worse triplets maybe i just needed the extra space between my kids to be a sane mother i also get the strong feeling sometimes that maybe i ll have a child with some sort of disability that would require a lot of attention and sacrifices i don t know the reason it is taking so long but i know there is a reason heavenly father knows better than me and i know now more than ever that his timing is clearly not up to me the only thing i can do is trust in his timing and plan for us and strengthen my testimony with patience and faith patience is definitely not one of my strongest qualities but i m learning slowly but surely because i ve been assured by the spirit that marc and i will have more children i want to write down the times i can remember so that i won t ever forget the times i felt faith in him these are also the times i was reminded that he is listening to my prayers even if they haven t been answered in the timing i want them to the first time i can remember feeling optimistic about another baby coming to our family was once when marc was giving me a blessing i think it was right before we started doing our first trigger shots and i was desperate and needing a blessing from heavenly father in my blessing marc told me that the thing which i desired would happen and that it would happen sooner than later after the blessing marc told me that what he said wasn t from him but that it was from heavenly father and he felt strongly about that so of course after the blessing i told myself that sooner than later had to mean that it was going to happen in the next month or so right wrong that was about a year ago when marc said those words i thought to myself although sooner than later to me seems like it would happen in the next few months to heavenly father sooner could mean years apparently i m much more impatient then heavenly father in that blessing marc also told me to remember the blessings that i had in my life and to be grateful for everything i had since that moment i ve done my best to be grateful for the abundance of blessings i have in my life i know that because of that blessing i ve been more aware of the ways heavenly father blesses me on a daily basis once when i was reading my patriarchal blessing i realized a section in it that talked about the blessings i would receive from my husband and our children children that s plural again the spirit confirmed to me that more children would come to our family one night i decided to say a prayer out loud to the children who are making me impatiently wait for them it was kind of a joke but i told them that i was ready for them to come to me no matter what condition that would be it started out kind of silly but ended in me crying and having the feeling like they understood how i am feeling and that they are sort of longing to come down to our family as well i pictured a child listening to me and comforting me that it would happen but to just wait there was that just wait answer again ugh during this whole time and during each new treatment and procedure i ve felt like i ve been prepared for each outcome i ve just known that each month despite mine and marc s prayers fasting and promised blessings that that month just wasn t the month i m kind of a pessimist at heart and tend to talk openly discouragingly to marc and tried each month to just tell myself that maybe it would work this time maybe it s just my natural tendencies making me feel like i wasn t going to be pregnant but i know that it has been heavenly father preparing me each and every time i don t believe he s trying to discourage me but rather prepare me for the disappointing news i don t ever get the feeling like we need to just stop trying everything in our power to have a baby i will continue to try and be hopeful and optimistic and one of these times it will work before our first round of in vitro i felt the need to ask my dad for a blessing there s something about a father s blessing that s different even from a husband s blessing not that one or the other is better but having my father give me a blessing from my heavenly father is significant in the blessing my dad told me to trust in my dr s and in their ability to do their best he also told me that heavenly father wants to bless us with more children and that he wants children to come to families like mine and marc s that was a comforting thing to hear especially because i ve had the thoughts before that maybe i m not doing a good enough job as a mother and that s why i m not allowed to have any more children although i am far from a perfect mother i know this isn t true but it s hard not to think such dramatic things when we can t figure out why we can t get pregnant my father s blessing was special and memorable and although i was again comforted that a baby will come i couldn t help but think that even though we had a 65 chance of in vitro working that first time there was a big possibility that it wasn t going to work marc and i were vacationing in hawaii when we found out the in vitro was unsuccessful i honestly could not have imagined a worse way to find out yes we were lucky that we were having the vacation of a lifetime but i didn t realize that there was a possibility that i would find out while on our vacation i had a blood test scheduled a few days after our vacation and that s when i thought i would know if it was successful we were flying home on a saturday and the thursday before i noticed that i started spotting the dr s told me that 20 of women spot and that i could very possibly still be pregnant of course i was worried out of my mind though that whole night i was in and out of sleep and while sleeping i kept having the same dream over and over and over again i dreamt that i was taking a pregnancy test and that the pregnancy test was negative each time i read the test i was overcome with emotion i was bawling lying on the ground pretty much in hysterics i would wake up with tears on my pillow and then try to go back to sleep again i would have the same dream but each time after i found out the negative result i got less and less emotional about it the last dream i remember having i read the pregnancy test and didn t shed one tear in fact i felt so incredibly comforted i knew that it was unsuccessful but i knew everything was just going to be ok i was being comforted by the spirit friday morning i got out of bed and before taking the pregnancy test i had purchased i had no doubts that i wasn t pregnant knowing the result didn t make it any easier though i ve never felt so let down and discouraged marc and i were staying in a guest house with four other people so i woke marc up and we went on a drive together to have some privacy just remembering that feeling is so awful i was so confused so let down and so incredibly angry i wanted to just go home and give cannon the biggest hug of his lifetime i couldn t stop cyring really i ve never had less control of my emotions and it was difficult being around friends because we didn t want to make them feel awkward or uncomfortable and we wanted them to be able to enjoy the rest of our vacation because we had all rented a van together we asked if they wouldn t mind dropping us off in honolulu so marc and i could spend the day together just the two of us marc and i were trying to do things to distract our minds but it was hard to enjoy the beautiful surroundings while feeling so down we were standing on a beach together and marc ran to the bathroom while he was in the bathroom i finally had a moment to say a prayer and express to heavenly father how i was feeling i ve never had a prayer like that before i was so angry and i told heavenly father out loud that i was so disappointed i told him that i didn t understand but i asked if he would just help me be able to calm down and to please help me stop crying i wanted to be able to enjoy what time we had left on our vacation and i wanted to be comforted that everything would be ok i ve never had a prayer answered so quickly literally the tears stopped flowing the second i ended my prayer i was finally able to be reasonable and logically think about the next steps we could take in order to get pregnant i remembered that we were extremely lucky when doing in vitro and that we had 6 excellent embryos left over to try again again i knew things were going to be ok i didn t shed another tear for the rest of the day and in fact was able to keep it together until sharing the news with my family i will never forget how instantly heavenly father answered my prayers that day on the beach in hawaii the first time i realized i am grateful for the trial i ve been through was once when i was writing a letter to my youngest sister on a mission i told her that although it s been the hardest trial i ve had to experience in my life so far i was grateful to have had a reason to strengthen my testimony of the savior the past two years my prayers have become more meaningful my fasting more purposeful and my relationship with my heavenly father and savior has deepened ironically enough even though i am still saying the same prayers over and over and they still haven t been answered the way i want them to be i know he is listening i feel like this has been an important time in my life that i don t ever want to forget i can t wait for the day when i get to hold my next baby i dream of it constantly and know i will be overfilled with gratitude and happiness when that day comes we are scheduled to use two of our frozen embryos next month and for the first time i feel peace about whatever the outcome of course i hope it s because it might finally work this time but maybe it s because i finally have complete trust in the lord he wants marc and i to be happy he knows what is best and maybe one day i ll finally understand why the wait took so long maybe i won t but nevertheless i will continue to have faith and continue to wait for his timing posted by courtneyandmarc at 2 34 pm 5 comments tuesday october 29 2013 photo book click here to view this photo book larger shutterfly photo books offer a variety of layouts and cover options to choose from posted by courtneyandmarc at 2 46 pm no comments photo book click here to view this photo book larger shutterfly baby photo books are the perfect way to preserve your baby s precious moments posted by courtneyandmarc at 2 45 pm no comments monday october 14 2013 photo book click here to view this photo book larger you ll love shutterfly s award winning photo books try it today posted by courtneyandmarc at 2 45 pm 1 comment tuesday august 20 2013 cannon s 2nd birthday well it s about time i do a little blogging i feel like i ve been going non stop since we ve moved into our new house my list of things never ends but i m not complaining i like having projects and improving our house one reason why i haven t been blogging is because of all the time i ve spent working in our yard boy yard work is work we ve never had to spend so much of our spare time doing yard work so it s been an adjustment we don t have a sprinkler system so every morning i have to get up and water the lawn i feel like i m finally adjusting to it and have a system down but for awhile i felt like that s all i was doing all day long we re hoping that by next summer we can install some sprinklers we ll see though it really isn t that big of a deal the biggest reason though that i had been spending time in the yard was because i knew cannon s birthday was coming up and i wanted to have is party in our back...