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Text of the page (random words):
rebuilding myself finding the strength to pick up the pieces rebuilding myself leaving bitterness behind november 18 2010 at 8 16 pm filed under uncategorized while i never would have used the particular word bitterness was a part of the initial ball of emotions surrounding the loss of avery and sophie it wasn t easily separated from the hurt anger and disappointment and at the time i think i would have denied its presence but looking back i know it was there several experiences recently have highlighted for me just how present bitterness can be after a loss but have also highlighted just how necessary it is to let it go in order to continue the healing process it can be hard because bitterness like anger is easier to wield than hurt and pain but eventually it needs to be released because without release it just grows until everything good about your baby babies is completely eclipsed by it and i know that is the last thing that a baby loss mama wants to have her child only associated with the bitterness she holds i wish i had a tidy wrap up to this post some profound solution to dealing with the bitterness that is bound to at least rear its head at some point but i don t just rambling thoughts and observations today permalink comments 5 3 years ago november 12 2010 at 7 24 pm filed under uncategorized hard to believe that 3 years have passed remembering through the night and into the morning it seems hard to believe that the time has disappeared so fast happy birthday my sweet baby girls how i wish we could help you celebrate your 3rd birthday on earth instead of your third in heaven we still miss you every day love momma daddy and your baby brother kai permalink comments 3 my son november 4 2010 at 10 39 pm filed under uncategorized there was someone fairly famous here in town today not usually one for this sort of thing i trekked out with the masses hoping to get an autograph because honestly he tops the list of people i would most like to meet as i handed him my item to sign i found myself getting choked up a little not because i shook hands with someone famous but because i got to hand him a tiny nhl jersey and tell him i was getting it signed for my son man it felt good to be able to say that permalink comments 1 when i look at him i see them october 28 2010 at 6 02 pm filed under uncategorized for some reason when i think of avery and sophie i never have pictured them as babies in my mind they have always been sturdy little toddlers brown eyes curly hair running around getting into mischief i don t know why but right from the start this is the picture i have of them i don t know where the time has gone but kai is now all of these things somehow in the last months his babyhood has slipped away he is a full blown toddler these days sturdy with brown eyes and curly hair he is into mischief all the time it s a bit bizarre that he brings to life the images i have in my head of them it is so bittersweet in many ways i feel like i get to experience a little of what i lost but it others it brings to life exactly what all we will never have it just reinforces the fact that grief never disappears it simply morphs into different forms permalink comments 3 conflicted october 18 2010 at 4 57 am filed under uncategorized on friday i spent a lot of time thinking about the twins i thought about all those i know who have lost babes i wished that none of us knew about the date but i also spent a lot of time thinking about this little man and squishing him and playing with him and listening to his little giggles and invariable forgetting to post what was on my mind and i found it strange that even a year later i still struggle to figure out how these two parts of me work together how they weave together to make me me some days i think i have it mastered pretty well others like friday i realize that i probably never will so while nothing got posted on friday itself despite my best intentions please know you were all thought of and remembered permalink comments 2 trying again october 5 2010 at 7 06 pm filed under uncategorized it s hard for me to even look at those words the emotions they bring up are unbelievable excitement at the thought of adding to our family shock and disbelief at the audacity we have to believe we might get lucky again fear at the thought of putting ourselves our there of another pregnancy of the possibility of further loss dh was ready to begin trying again for another little one shortly after kai s birth me not so much i would love to have another child at home if possible but that involves trying again and i am not feeling so ready for that thankfully it hasn t been an issue so far kai is still breastfeeding and af has yet to return but as we slowly cut down his feeds down to 1 a day now i know her return is coming so i am trying to sort through all the emotions because really trying again is just around the corner permalink comments 2 for them october 1 2010 at 3 22 am filed under uncategorized within months of losing avery and sophie i knew i wanted to get a tattoo in their memory with the very fragile state i was in however i decided to put it off until i knew what where and knew both for quite a while and finally this fall just shy of their third birthday i was able to get it done and it is absolutely perfect on my inner ankle somehow it felt the right mix of public private vulnerable and not i wanted something that was very much them without being blatantly babyloss i wanted to allow myself to be able to avoid that conversation if needed while not as common now there are still times i just feel too fragile to talk about my girls without knowing what the reaction will be the butterflies like for so many other baby loss mommas remind me of my girls they are each unique to represent the uniqueness of the girls despite their identical genes the swirl is what connects the two showing that although two beings they were intricately and completely connected if you look close the swirls include an s and an a each associated with one butterfly and i honestly can t even express how right it feels to have it done people have asked if i am shocked to see it there and the answer is no it just is right the way it is supposed to be my girls aren t here but they left a permanent mark on my life it only feels right that there is a physical tangible mark that represents that and somehow it feels like i now get to carry a little piece of them with me wherever i go as long as i am on this earth permalink comments 5 happy birthday my little bear september 24 2010 at 7 33 pm filed under uncategorized a year ago his lusty cry as he entered the world reminded us how to smile again through the long newborn nights his warm squirmy little body slowly healed the places i thought may never again be whole and as i gaze at the curious mischievous toddler that somehow took my baby s place i am in awe what an amazing gift we have been given although i have millions of words i could say about kai today just a few will have to do i love you more than i could ever express my little man you are growing into an easy going adventurous curious child and you continue to bring smiles to our faces every day you are a natural entertainer and always have time for a laugh and a smile although no child should have to shoulder the burden of healing through you god has brought healing to your parents souls you are the child we dared to hope for and every day i thank god that he chose to give you to us 1 year ago happy birthday kai mommy and daddy love you permalink comments 6 all in one place september 13 2010 at 6 35 pm filed under uncategorized not the way i would have wanted it but finally all together little man hanging out beside the tattoo for his big sisters only 3 years after the fact i finally got the tattoo i wanted in their honour it is still healing but i will post a picture once it is completely healed it is perfect though exactly what i wanted it to be permalink comments 7 walking away june 29 2010 at 5 43 pm filed under uncategorized i never wanted to be that woman the one whose journey i followed daily until she abandoned her blog shortly after her rainbow baby was born don t go i wanted to yell i need to know it will be okay i want to know what it is like on the other side but i find myself there slowly my blog is dying i just have less to say these days this blog was my grief blog my safe space to talk about the girls yet somehow as monkey grows i feel better incorporating them completely into my life i include them in conversation more i speak their names out loud i share my grief with others i think it is that i am finally strong enough to weather the blank stares awkward pauses and incorrect words as people stumble through what to do and say and so i find this space becoming increasingly neglected i still follow each of your blogs i love hearing everyones words and stories but i find mine lacking i have kept pushing off the inevitable thinking maybe it was just for a short time but it isn t and so i am walking away from this space i don t know that i will be gone forever in fact i anticipate there will be times where i will return but they will be few and far between thank you so much for following me on my journey for cheering me on for holding onto my hope when i didn t have the strength i will continue to follow you and one day i may return to this space but for now i am going offline for awhile me and my little brown eyed man have some serious playing to do permalink comments 11 older posts pages about me archives november 2010 october 2010 september 2010 june 2010 may 2010 april 2010 march 2010 february 2010 january 2010 december 2009 november 2009 october 2009 september 2009 august 2009 july 2009 june 2009 may 2009 april 2009 march 2009 february 2009 january 2009 december 2008 november 2008 october 2008 september 2008 august 2008 july 2008 june 2008 categories our story uncategorized search blogroll almost a mother busted babymaker chasing my fairy godmother everyday stranger forever love learning to dance learning to just be life after levi little bluebirds fly little tiny footprints losing kara love reign over me mommy of an angel mrs spout spits off my baby butterfly ella no swimmers our own creation overeducated mommy salvageable surviving baby sweet salty the real bean the therapist is in tuesday s hope communities bridges building heavenly bridges butterfly haven glow in the woods lost and found stirrup queen s list of blogs meta create account log in entries rss comments rss wordpress com blog at wordpress com rebuilding myself create a free website or blog at wordpress com subscribe subscribed rebuilding myself sign me up have a wordpress com account log in now privacy rebuilding myself view site in reader manage subscriptions sign up log in report this content collapse this bar loading comments write a comment email required name required website design a site like this 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