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ay happy new year posted by gemmak 5 24 pm 13 comments labels blogging friday 30 december 2011 fat face hopefully this will be the singularly most unflattering picture i will ever post here so if you have a mind to crack jokes take your chance now the fact that my head appears to be rectangular i hope is down to the poor lens on my phone the rest well it is what it is as anyone who has visited here before will know only too well i hear you mutter i have some significant dental issues the teeth all look fine but they are far from it in part it s just misfortune i have always taken good care of them but in larger part it s down to the inefficiency of the n h s dental services and in my opinion the greed of dentists i won t regale you with the years of problems i have had the are well documented here already and as ever i suspect the word greed and dentists in one sentence will lay me open again to comment hassle from the profession but it is a fact yet again i am suffering because the dentist i currently have wouldn t carry out the treatment at n h s charges i am an n h s patient preferring instead to require me to pay the private fee of just short of 2000 or no deal gotta love the caring professions anyhow all that aside christmas eve saw me begin to nurture yet another abscess hey i m used to the damn things i have emergency antibiotics always on stand by and i duly began the course but this one it transpired was to be the mother of all abbesses and it paid little heed to the meds in fact no heed at all and by christmas morning the fat face had grown to it s almost full glory i can honestly say i have never known pain like it it was utterly horrible and not what i had asked santa for at all christmas day was a wash out i did manage to suck my way through the soft bits of a christmas lunch but aside from that i spent most of the day either on the phone to n h s direct or waiting for their dentist to call me back i was trying to ignore the comforting words of my own dentist that one can expire from this ailment and even if i had i felt inclined too i couldn t even raise a smile my mouth wouldn t move in the smile direction the long and the short of it is that i was referred to a e who much to my chagrin took the whole situation scarily too seriously for my liking but ultimately posted me back out the door with two types of antibiotics and a string of other instructions and pain meds in total i was taking until yesterday 23 tablets a day i don t do pain meds well not usually but really this time it was off my usual coping scale i now merely sport a rather large gob stopper in the side of my face my eye and my chin seem to have reappeared i am down to 18 tablets and i have an appointment late next week with a new dentist the hospital recommended oh hell now all i have to do is face the fear it s going to be two root canals and an extraction is my best guess but i m trying not to think about it yet but on the positive side though my holiday has been crap it would have been a whole lot worse to have to go to work feeling like this posted by gemmak 4 04 pm 5 comments labels christmas dentistry nhs monday 19 december 2011 just when you think life is going to get easier it doesn t this has to be my longest blogging break to date and again today s post is likely only to be an excuse explanation for my continued absence rather than a real post i wish it wasn t but sadly that s the reality i do however genuinely intend to find the time somehow to get back to normal at some stage yeah yeah i hear you say but really i will for the last month my mother has been in hospital i will regale you with the detail when i have more time but suffice to say for now all is not particularly well she is home now but requires a great deal of support and so what was my daily 40 mile round trip to spend hours at the hospital has now turned into mine and my brothers daily rota taking care of her in her home my sister for her part has been trailing up and down from the midlands as often as she possibly can to try and give us a break our lives have been reduced to a daily cycle of trying to juggle work and caring with little time left for anything else it s been and continues to be an extremely stressful period in our lives i thought caring for my father was tough going at the time and it was but it wasn t this tough oh and i never thought i would say this but my faith in the n h s has been sorely tried very sorely tried and if i have any faith left in the system at all it is minimal more on that another time too so there you have it my latest why i haven t been blogging excuse there is so much i want need to say here but for now it will have to wait along with most other things i ll be back apologies for grammatical punctuation errors no time for all that posted by gemmak 6 48 pm 4 comments labels families life tp nhs wednesday 5 october 2011 the curious tale of the missing shoe some of you if not most will have already heard this tale via twitter or facebook but i have been asked so often to blog it i will one evening last week en route to visit n i decided that having a few minutes to spare i would pop into tesco just for a meander hey it s shopping not very interesting shopping granted but i am female enough said my biggest mistake was in even considering that a pair of their boots might be worth a look because it all went rapidly downhill from that point i selected a pair of boots slipped off one of my shoes and poked my foot into said boot to try it on at this stage anyone who has ever had the discomfort of trying on footwear in this establishment will know that pairs are tied together which results in a strange hobble to a mirror to check out the look in my case with one boot on my foot and the other dragging along the floor tripping me up believe me there is no way of lifting it up successfully to prevent dragging it i moved all of two meters to the closest mirror took a quick look didn t like what i saw and hobbled back to where i had left my own shoe on the floor only to find it had mysteriously disappeared initially i stood and looked blankly believing it must be their but i just wasn t seeing it among all the stock i looked and i looked then i looked some more then i looked under and around the fixtures and fittings then i looked slightly further afield and on the racking but it wasn t anywhere to be seen at this stage stood in one shoe and one sock a stupid sock with pink pigs and the word oink all over it wouldn t you just know i had to be wearing stupid socks on this occasion feeling thoroughly confused and not a little silly it began to dawn on me that my missing shoe really was missing i could think of no other course of action but to ask the nearby duty manager for assistance now i felt really stupid to cut a long story short she myself security staff and others hunted high and low but nothing nada zip not a sign of my shoe anywhere now i have experience in retail security and believe me i have seen many odd and unbelievable things stolen but really one used and still warm from it s owners foot shoe you have to be kidding right wrong i think not knowing quite what else to do and trying desperately hard not to laugh the duty manager offered to give me the pair of boots i had been trying on gratis to at least resolve the immediate problem ok so i didn t like them but at this stage i wasn t in my one shod foot and stupid sock state in a position to be picky so i gratefully accepted and finally left an hour later than i had planned the following day the store checked their security cameras but they hadn t been looking in the right place at the right time so they showed nothing the cleaners and store staff had been unable to find it my theory being that as surely no one would steal just one shoe a prankster may have ditched it in a freezer cabinet or similar for a giggle it had just vanished gone in just a few seconds presumably but not proven stolen disappeared apparently forever really why would someone want just one used size two shoe whatever the upshot is that i now have just one of a pair of reasonably expensive shoes that i was rather fond of and a whole pair of horrible synthetic boots but yes ok it is pretty funny too posted by gemmak 4 48 pm 7 comments labels life friday 23 september 2011 nuts this post is going to be one of the hardest and possibly longest i have ever chosen to write and if i m honest even at this point i am shaking like a little leaf i have toyed with writing it since the inception of gemmak but for various reasons have always decided not too until now so what s changed well i suppose the feeling that in the interests of honesty and of finally and completely facing my demons i should perhaps we never utterly face our demons but i can have a damn good try maybe it will be cathartic maybe it won t i can t know that until afterwards but it is relevant in some respects to what has been happening in my life more recently and recent news about someone who is very brave has given me a little courage to go for it now my difficulty in blogging this was borne from a number of things mostly just simply that i don t like to think about it in too much detail anymore but also because it has had such a profound effect on my life like many things we don t understand it scares us and sadly it still invites prejudice i think that is now lessening considerably but believe me in the past i have suffered that prejudice in various forms maybe that is why i didn t blog it before this was one place that wasn t an issue so what am i talking about ok about twenty years ago i lost it lost the plot freaked out call it what you will the laymans term is that i had a nervous breakdown though medically such a diagnosis doesn t exist it s a coverall phrase for going nuts my actual diagnosis was chronic severe anxiety depression with the emphasis on the anxiety i will spare you the details at least at this stage but suffice to say it wasn t pretty i was a complete mess and went from being a professional woman with a career to someone who was so scared of almost everything she couldn t be left alone couldn t go out couldn t work couldn t eat in essence just couldn t function in any usual sense of the day to day meaning ultimately it cost me my career probably my marriage thought he shot through without ever giving me a reason certainly my home my self esteem some friends and possibly almost my life this was a place you really don t want to be and one i never want to be in again not ever for anything or anyone no way no how i had always been what i think at the time was described as a nervy child i was asthmatic had eczema didn t like going way from home didn t like being left even at children s parties etc etc and looking back i can see a tendency to obsessiveness as far back as age four psychiatry of course was in the dark ages and none of this was really recognised by the medical profession my parents tried to encourage me to spread my wings and it worked in the main though the personality traits of course remain at nineteen i had a relatively minor episode in actual fact it was only panic attacks and a degree of agoraphobia but even something that simple and accepted now was like rocket science in psychiatric terms in the 1970 s my doctor looked confused signed me off work for a few weeks and prescribed valium hells bells nowadays that seems an outrageous reaction but really at the time i was lucky i got that much credence given to my situation i managed to recover within a few months to a point where life was normal again but to a small degree some of the anxiety related issues remained i just learned to live my life around them i got married bought a house built a career all the normal stuff but i had my moments where i knew all was not quite as i would like it to be those moments were enough to warrant my trying to get help but again psychiatry was not what it is today i had one or two referrals to inappropriate counsellors one or two spells of medication and one or two spells of a week or two off work but nothing really changed medically fast forward ten years high stress job high stress life and bang i couldn t keep up the pretense of coping any longer and i hit the wall at full speed figuratively speaking of course in actual fact what i did was just get up from my desk one day walk out and fall apart my anxiety levels were unbearable it s not a feeling i can describe well and to be honest it s too painful for me too even if i could but if you have ever been there you know i rapidly became completely dysfunctional but still the psychiatric services were found wanting and things had to get a whole lot worse before anything significant in the way of help was offered to me and that was it the next two years of my life were the biggest battle i have ever fought and one there were many times i thought i wouldn t win but i was lucky i was finally referred to mary one of only a handful of what was then a new kind of therapist who practiced a particularly extreme form of a then new treatment cbt the harsh version was considered to be worth the risk it may have worsened my situation if it failed the gentler way she felt wouldn t work for me and so i was admitted to a psych unit as a day patient mon to fri 9 5 no it wasn t like a job at all for six months and there began the most terrifying and difficult time of my life i can t blog the details it s too painful so instead i will concentrate on the positive aspect here the fact that against the odd s and to some degree my therapists surprise i made it i recovered as far as anyone does and probably beyond i learned to live with and around what couldn t be fixed just like anyone with any illness has to and i have accepted i will always have to deal with some degree of anxiety and depression related issues the difference now is that i know i can i once asked mary how long it would take for me to get better her reply was the rest of your life at the time i thought that was horrific but it was true i still learn everyday only little tiny things now not the massive steps of the early days but as each event in life presents itself i learn to deal with that one i still have setbacks i always will but they are new opportunities to learn well that s what i think on the good days on the bad i hate them and they still scare the crap out of me i still react to some things with more anxiety than perhaps many do i still get pretty low and i still have to keep fighting but it s become so much a part of me that i can t imagine it any other way now there are so many aspects of my life it has affected to some degree there are so many things i hate about it the prejudice particularly and believe me i have suffered the does she take sugar syndrome i have been refused jobs i am more than capable of because of it and i have had people treat me differently once i have told them but fuck it i did it there are other ...