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Text of the page (random words):
it s blog it s blog skip to main skip to sidebar it s blog it s blog it s big it s heavy it s wood sunday april 26 2020 visual history of 364 years ago barf yeah it s not great it s like i have a kneecap above my ankle that s my tibia post relocation xray before surgery on 4 28 19 tina from work visited me that night and brought me a balloon early morning before surgery pretty post surgery splint fancy hardware i m like a robot now gah groooooossssss new splint a basket a dino grabber and coloring books from the tongen family sorry i need to take this call love so much love before hard cast eww david hard cast just in time for my 44th birthday frankenankle posted by kari at 12 29 pm no comments friday may 03 2019 a farewell to ovaries it s a curious thing when i start to blog again i feel like i should be outside camel turkish gold in hand listening to nin magically transported back to a time when selfie wasn t actually a word god i fucking hate that word yet i use it because there is really no other way to explain it s a picture of me and possibly other people but i take about six versions and then use about eight filters to make it appear i have longer eyelashes and an even skin tone haven t been round these here blogger parts for close to three years sometimes when you have sooo much to say in your head it s just easier to say nothing at all nothing at all you worry that it sounds like you re whining or begging for attention i think there s a certain loneliness that comes in your middle 40s i know i loved turning 40 it really does feel like the new 20 but so much better i called it the era of giving zero fucks i don t know who created this if i knew i would give endless credits because it is the best suddenly i just didn t care about allll the little bullshit that tripped me up in my 30s was i still not down to that size i wanted was i still lacking a ba did i still feel like dustin married down when he married me zero fucks at forty it was the movie i feel pretty and instead of hitting my head during spin class like i d ever go to spin class i aged one year i walked around like i was down to that size i found a new career and didn t care that i lacked that ba i felt like dustin who i always feel lucky to have in my life was equally lucky to have me in his life at some point there was a shift it was subtle not constant little moments that felt like dread falling over me like the mist that falls over you in the produce section when you re comparing heads of lettuce no reason for suddenly feeling terrified feeling like you were homesick feeling like that little twinge of pain in your back was one of those heart attack symptoms that are common only for women and telling someone would make you look nuts but ignoring it all but guarantees a cardiac event is happening and you were the one woman who didn t report it who didn t ask for help i have some concerns is what i m saying i tried to connect the feelings to something where was i at what had i eaten what happened an hour before what time of year was it was i wearing pants or shorts was the moon in the 7th house of venus it all felt very random until it didn t thanks calendars about a year and some change ago i noticed that it was vaguely around the same time each month never the same day never the same issue one month it s anxiety one month it s depression one month i think it s depression causing the anxiety but it s always about five days before my lady time i m nearly 44 and and i can t just say what it is nor can i allow myself to say things like aunt flo because that s just horrifying and weird it s been nearly 2 years ago to the day that one of my closest and most a friends messaged me about how she started marking hers on her calendar like to warn herself in advance and i realized ohmygod it is not just me losing my mind so for a while i know to expect that every 20 25 days i m not going to feel great so i m going to try walking i m going to try coloring i m going to download app after app after app i m going to start a facebook group find a therapist change meds tweak meds again and again and again and i m tired of it nothing works and i m throwing everything i can at it it s now around 7 10 days a month where i don t feel like i m at one end or the other of the losing my mind spectrum where it s physically painful to even think about leaving the house or i m 100 sure even though rationally i know i m 100 not that i m having a heart attack and guess what i m done i m fucking done kids it s all going several years back my paternal aunt cancer survivor had testing done and was positive for brca1 my paternal grandmother 2x breast cancer survivor 1x ovarian cancer survivor wasn t tested as that was before the days of tests but my four sisters and i decided to all be tested i decided before getting the results that if they were positive i would have it all removed breasts ovaries the works bc it would likely save my life brca1 was negative so i didn t think much about it after that i m looking at this the same way will throwing myself into immediate menopause be brutal absolutely without a doubt will immediate menopause be easier to deal with than 6 8 more years of what is happening now absolutely without a doubt menopause is a transition this garbage here feeling endless and quite honestly life threatening in terms of how i can function on a daily basis the votes are in from my various providers and four out of four medical psychological professionals agree that this is the best move my ovaries gave me the best things ever one of those best things just made a hilarious face at me from behind the screen of her ipad and i wish i had snapped a photo to show you all but these little things inside of me are making me lose my shit way too often so friends do what you ve gotta do to get to where you need to be ovaries treating you like royalty awesome keep them around as long as you can and you can gracefully transition into that phase as nature intended are they roughing you up causing you grief making you crazy evict those bitches so you can get back to giving zero fucks posted by kari at 8 16 pm 1 comment thursday september 01 2016 midlife crisis seasonal change and other causes of crisis it s an interesting moment when you realize hey i know what this is this is a mid life crisis it s like all these factors are combining into a white knuckling grinding of teeth perfect storm or maybe it s that fall is beginning i love fall i love the smell of decaying leaves all around the school supplies bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils however fall brings with it some sort of memory that i don t remember out of nowhere there is a pit in my stomach and it feels like my heart is breaking i don t fight it off that s just an exercise in futility i accept that for a couple of weeks out of each year my brain goes into fight or flight mode at a higher level than usual my bpd switch is easier to flip and if i start crying i may not stop i m grateful for movie theaters and other distractions that release this feeling of an anvil on my chest i work hard to stay mindful to soak up and enjoy every hilarious thing my children say and do and hope they can t read my eyes and see what is happening behind my surface grin i now realize that exercise in addition to being something i should do for a variety of important reasons is as necessary to my mental state as my lexapro i m officially making a schedule for workouts and sticking to it two weeks of exercise about 3 4 days a week keep my anxiety at bay i get too busy with life and after 7 days i m a fucking mess total fucking mess i over analyze every goddamn heartbeat was that too fast too slow to close to the previous one every ache and pain my throat feels funny am i getting sick again every weak feeling do i have a heart condition is this a stroke coming want to know what anxiety is it s knowing full damn well that nothing is wrong but constantly being reminded by your brain that something could be wrong and if that s the case your brain will not let you think of anything else your brain will not let you focus on the grocery list or the sink of dishes that are not washed or how much time you are wasting worrying you picture the worst happening you picture yourself collapsing the older of the two children in the house grabbing the phone and calling 9 1 1 you have a landline specifically for them to use in an emergency you worry about your youngest who has just endured a year of crippling anxiety and what this will lead to you worry you won t be there to lead her through her next bout of crippling anxiety and all this happens before breakfast posted by kari at 2 29 pm no comments thursday june 05 2014 chapters ending chapters beginning tomorrow is a big day saturday is a bigger day i sort of have this calm before the storm feeling in my chest it s the last day of kindergarten for oskar it s the last day of high school for abbey last day high school head spinning on one hand it feels exactly like what it is 12 long years of school wrapping up on the other hand it s like i ve blinked and suddenly abbey the kindergartner turned into abbey the high school graduate it s a victory in so many ways the significance is more than just a high school degree it has taken so so much work on her part and on the part of so many amazing individuals to get her here the level of importance of this event is not lost on me there were days where i didn t know if we d get to this spot and really i didn t think i cared my main focus was keep her alive and functioning and we all did that with a lot of work and a lot of meds and a lot of tears and questions and answers that led to more questions and had she not graduated on time it would have been fine but i knew that s what she really wanted she didn t want schizophrenia to own her and luckily we have such a substantial network of support and resources it doesn t am i nervous for the future of course i am but for every ounce of anxiety and apprehension i have about the future i have a pound of pride and an immeasurable amount of love posted by kari at 10 34 pm 1 comment friday may 09 2014 i ve got my work cut out for me i doubt myself constantly and i don t think i hide that or maybe i do i give the appearance of someone very together but it s in the quiet moments that as long as i know my loved ones are ok it s safe for me to step away and quietly fall to pieces tonight was one of those night where i was just annoyed the middle child was mad i suggested he brush his teeth gasp no after shoving 10 mike n ike s into his mouth at once as he squished the sugary matter up through the front of his teeth all i could see was tiny tasty little pieces wedging their way into the crevices of his teeth he stomps to the bathroom moments later he returns jaw clenched he says go in the bathroom i have a present for you i look at dustin i look at olive i m hoping there s not a pile of poop on the floor i start to follow him and olive joins me um olive let me go first i say on the off chance that yes it is poop mr middle child had squeezed the better part of his toothpaste into the sink a pile of shiny thick sticky blue tmnt substance i look at him and i can t tell if he s trying to make me laugh or make me pissed off i m pretty sure it was the latter and i responded accordingly i m not even sure why it made me so sad probably just bc i thought the age that someone can deliberately plan a gift with the intention of being an ass isn t until at least 9 posted by kari at 8 45 pm no comments thursday may 08 2014 i make no promises that i will make daily posts especially when it s late at night and my posts are being made by typing on my phone with my thumb but i m stepping back into the blogging room how very 2006 of me a quick synopsis of where i am in life my oldest child is less than one month from high school graduation my middle child just turned 6 and my youngest is 3 1 2 i m home during the days and work 4 5 nights a week at a fantastic kid gear resale shop i turn 39 in about an hour and my youngest is still awake right now 10 50pm i suspect she is wearing me down to complete weakness so i don t argue when she asks for a monster high doll tomorrow i will simply nod my head and hope to god the doll will distract her enough to allow me a nap i started an additional blog a whole ago i need my daughter s permission to divulge the address bc it s dealing with an issue that is hers i think it s worth sharing can anyone bring me a dr pepper i m parched and lazy so my blog is back again maybe posted by kari at 10 54 pm no comments wednesday march 06 2013 it s been a long time since i ve visited this neighborhood almost a year holy cow and in that spirit i want to start blogging again yeah i ve said it before i know but i may as well give it a try again i also had a blog at a different site that i ve been updating on the downlow as it discusses stuff revolving around my daughter that blog host is evaporating into thin air so i ll be moving those posts here and will update from this spot stay tuned posted by kari at 10 56 pm 3 comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom about me kari i m a tornado of anger view my complete profile facebook badge promote your page too subscribe posts atom posts all comments atom all comments my stalkers i miss brammy these are the people in your neighborhood husband bram elliot the second husband part deux brent arthur billehus the width of a circle brammy s picture site bram elliot the first joe s blog jason wood pastor jason creepypics jegecita amycita ellermeee john hughes not the director clark schpiell crystal jurgen nation p funk thomas chris andy indie bloggers nin you mowed my lawn oh it s all still here 2020 1 april 1 visual history of 364 years ago 2019 1 may 1 2016 1 september 1 2014 3 june 1 may 2 2013 1 march 1 2012 6 march 1 february 1 january 4 2011 33 december 2 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