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Text of the page (random words):
ht light in the world gone out forever but all my hopes and dreams have died as well bram is gone and i don t want to believe it and i can t face it i ll go crazy if it s true he was the best man i ever knew and the best thing that ever happened to me and i would trade places with him if i could but i would never wish this pain on bram why did i not prevent this from happening why didn t i know heartburn meant heart attack why didn t he tell me how bad he really felt why can t we have just one moment in time to do over all this time bram let me believe i was the boss but i cannot function without him bram is dead and i wish i were too thought by bram davidson around 12 00 am 6 things said by the gallery thought by bram davidson around 1 05 pm 0 things said by the gallery 04 january 2009 22 december 2007 bram was my husband he was my world he was my life my sanity my hope he was my ears he was my voice he was my shield against the world he was my comfort my peace my common sense he was every thing good and smart and creative and kind in my soul bram s family doesn t say i love you out loud to one another very often they love each other very much and this is apparent to anyone who sees them together they laugh and tease and make a lot of noise and sometimes they pause and perhaps aili would say to bram you re my brother and bram would tell aili you re my sister or bram would say to karen you re my mum and she would smile back at him and say you re my son witnessing this at first i was puzzled but i soon came to realize this was their way of saying i love you bram and i told each other i love you hundreds of times every day we never parted without saying it we never got off the phone without saying it we said it during conversations during meals during moments of quiet it was the last thing we said before going to sleep after saying good night it was the last thing we said to each other before the trouble started the night he died bram and i didn t give each other gifts on gift days whenever we saw something the other wanted we got it for them and then couldn t wait for the birthday or christmas or valentine s or anniversary or whatever and presented it as soon as possible there was really no need for a special gift on gift days but last christmas bram gave me a bunch of coupons he had made for example this coupon entitles bearer to computer discipline allowing the husband to talk to the computer because it hates you this coupon entitles bearer to have the husband reach high crap with the desired effect of having the item at a more attainable level this coupon entitles bearer to fancy schmancy coffee from coffee joint of choice including a trip to town if not already there the card the coupons came in a father s day card because bram loved giving inappropriate cards said i love you more than i ever have before and that s a lot we could never touch each other enough and we could never say i love you enough sometimes bram would tell me you re my wife i knew what he meant but i am not a davidson by blood so the correct response of you re my husband seemed wrong to me not mine if you see what i mean so bram would say you re my wife and i would reply and i adore you and he would say yes but do you love me and i would tell him there are no words to express how much i love you and he would say i know i know i am not a beautiful woman but bram told me i was he told me i was beautiful smart sexy he told me i was the best costume designer and seamstress in the world he told me i was the world s best mom and a fantastic teacher he told me the world wasn t out to get me and i was worthy of being loved he told me i was safe with him and he would never leave me never a very trusting type always doubtful of my own worth i believed every word he said because when bram loved someone they were better for it i loved bram with all my heart and i know he loved me with all of his bram you are my husband thought by bram davidson around 11 57 pm 3 things said by the gallery thought by bram davidson around 10 08 pm 0 things said by the gallery 30 december 2008 09 december 2007 words and hair and cigarettes i think everyone who knew me and bram would agree i m not a big talker bram talked and sang and bounced around entertaining everyone i am a listener i like to watch everyone around me and i love being with my friends but i don t always have a lot to say monica came into my costume shop one day when i was teaching a bunch of students how to use a sewing machine i lectured and demonstrated for about half an hour and set the students to working on their own i went into my office to see what monica needed and she greeted me with geez mom i don t think i ve ever heard you talk for so long there were two exceptions to my shortage of words one is if you get me drinking i don t drink much i m a real lightweight but it doesn t take much for me to lose my quiet a few drinks and as my friend farrah puts it michelle starts holding forth i chatter away telling the same old stories over and over solving the problems of the world amusing all who can hear me with my witty words and opinions i m not a stumbling or slurring drunk i m a chatty one the other exception was i talked to bram we were so comfortable with one another we sometimes didn t even have to talk we just enjoyed being together other times bram and i talked and talked and talked we sometimes didn t even use complete sentences with one another words just tumbled out pell mell as we amused ourselves dreaming and planning and hoping together i told you bram shaved his head right after we started dating after that he let it grow quite long again and then he started a pattern that continued until he died he d grow out his hair until it started to get in his way and then he d cut it all off again after a few rounds of this bram quit shaving his head bald because when he did people needed to rub his head they couldn t seem to help themselves if bram was bald everyone rubbed his head it caused his head to break out all those hands on his head all the time so he just started cutting it really short grow it out cut it short grow it out cut it short the first year we were in grad school right after we got married bram s sister and brother in law invited us out for a night of drinks and dancing bram s hair was getting shaggy again it was the end of the semester we arrived later than planned and aili kept telling me i had to catch up she kept buying me beers and yelling drink drink i would yell it back at her and we drank by the end of the evening i was pretty buzzed i don t think bram realized how buzzed i was because the only outward sign i have is chattering but i chattered all the time to bram so for him well how to tell the difference when we got home from the bar bram decided to cut his hair again he was shaving it with an electric razor and it was looking pretty good but he couldn t reach the back so he asked me to get it for him sure i took the razor and cut a swath from is neck to his cowlick i cut a swath down to the skin he had a bald path up the back of his head he was watching in the mirror we were both rather startled bram looked at me and asked are you drunk i can fix it i replied give me the razor baby he held out his hand and then bram went bald again he was never mad he thought it was funny he always seemed amused by my bouts of ditziness i miss him smiling at me and the way he d laugh and wrinkle his nose at me he never called me michelle i was always baby and i called him baby too i miss his voice calling for me and i miss the sound of his breathing next to me in bed i mark time now by counting the number of cigarettes i ve smoked these add up to how many hours until i can leave school and go home and wait for a call from bram that never comes how many hours until i can take my next painkiller how long until i can go to bed and try to sleep without him how long i can toss and turn until it s time to go back to school and start counting the hours of the day with cigarettes again i have nothing to do no bram to take care of i am waiting and still and i can hear my heart beating in my ears every beat echoes in my lonely soul no bram no bram no bram thought by bram davidson around 7 48 pm 4 things said by the gallery thought by bram davidson around 5 12 pm 0 things said by the gallery 29 december 2008 04 december 2007 that smirk long pants we spent two semesters in grand forks in 99 00 i believe we lived in a dorm apartment complex deal on campus one night the four of us were all playing in the kitchen it was something we d always done we d all just spontaneously start wrestling and climbing on one another mostly it was monica bram and myself all climbing on one another while mum stood aside and having a good ol time it s important to know that i had no shoes on and my pants were too long i was walking on the last 5 6 inches anyway i was trying to push bram but i was 14 years old at this point so i may as well have been trying to rearrange stonehenge for as much as i was moving bram something that didn t really change as i got older this went on for some time but suddenly bram stepped on the bottom hem of my pants and pushed me not a shove mind you just placed his right hand squarely on my chest and pushed naturally with my pants planted firmly into the floor the only direction i went was down i wasn t hurt but i was suffocating with laughter it was one of my most memorable laughing fits when i looked up bram was standing over me convulsing slightly with contained laughter and that smirk on his lips he certainly thought what he created was humorous but he didn t seem to want to gut laugh in my face a year later in vermillion sd he did it again i just keep seeing that stupid smirk nick wing thought by bram davidson around 11 24 pm thought by bram davidson around 10 31 pm 0 things said by the gallery 01 december 2007 baby will you come come get me you perhaps noticed in my last post that after i said bram and i got together i didn t say we ve been together ever since we dated off and on for about 4 years before bram moved in with me and my kids during that time bram broke up with me at least twice a year some of our friends may remember it being more often than that to tell you the truth i lost count after a while once bram and i broke up for five minutes i do know for sure that bram usually managed to break up with me right before chistmas and right before my birthday i began to suspect he was just doing it to get out of buying me a present but i never needed any presents all i ever needed was bram even when we were broken up we stilled continued our late night telephone talks after some of the break ups bram s sister would tell me don t be sad michelle he ll be back he loves you you and i are going to be sisters she was right before we got married bram apologized for being so erratic i told him everything was fine i knew that he had just needed some time to grow up and decide what he wanted during the times when we were not dating each other we would date other people it always made me so sad to see him with others well i guess not always some of those girls were such obvious bad choices for him that i knew he d be back to me in no time i also knew if i started dating someone bram would get jealous and we d be back together poor anybody who got between us bram used to tell me often how glad he was that he had finally grown up and married me i ve been going through his papers lately trying to decide what to do with them all trying to make sense of things i have journals and stories and poems many of them going back to bram s college years he wanted to be with me and the kids but it scared him he was afraid he would never make enough money to care for us he was afraid he would never be strong enough or sensible enough for us he felt he was too different too weird to actually find a woman to put up with him and he was sure that he would never get married he also believed he wouldn t live past 40 bram finally stopped with the breakups and moved in with me about a year before we got married i was in a pretty bad car accident and on crutches and various casts for about four months bram took care of me and the kids during that time and even stood up to my mother i knew then i was going to have to marry him i think the accident made him realize that it was time to stop playing around or he might lose me not that i ever would have left him bram was all i ever wanted out of life he made the world perfect and happy and safe for me once we finally got together for good we were never again very far from one another for almost 10 years all i ever had to do was reach out my hand and bram was there i am having a very hard time trying to convince myself that bram is actually not coming back this time i am still waiting for him to come home something this terrible can t be real it has to be the worst bad dream ever and i wish i would wake up i talk to bram almost constantly now and i beg him to come get me i can t believe he left without me he died in my arms and i still can t believe it i beg god to end this game and i ask bram to come get me there is no answer i don t know how to live the rest of my life without bram i don t want to baby please will you come get me thought by bram davidson around 5 59 pm 3 things said by the gallery thought by bram davidson around 7 32 pm 0 things said by the gallery 27 november 2008 27 november 2007 happy birthday baby today bram would ve been 34 i was 33 when we got married and he would tell me i was as old as christ was when he died when he died bram was as old as christ was when he died i don t know what that means it just used to be something bram loved to say bram was 20 when i first met him the first time we really spoke was in a theater class the instructor told us to choose a partner bram was sitting behind me and he leaned forward and asked me to be his partner i agreed we sat down on the floor to begin some acting exercise and bram said i ll be right back and he walked out of the room he never returned i found out later that his roommates had introduced him to vodka the night before and he and vodka were still having an argument the next day he found me later and apologized we had several classes together that semester and hung out in the black box between classes we talked a lot bram was fascinating and funny i started to think maybe bram had a crush on me my best friend agreed and told me i should ask him out i couldn t bram was much too young for me i was 28 and he couldn t even get into a bar legally wasn t going to happen bram came over to my house one day to return a prop borrowed for a show he called to say he was coming and i was all aflutter changing clothes brushing my teeth combing my hair but i wasn t interested in him i told myself he only came in long enough to drop the item off but before he went out the door he bent down and kissed me foolis...