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rahck, seem, coerce, caring, discernable, priorities, force, names, seychelles, instance, maldives, prepare, mispell, pay, bedbugs, specifically, residence, suffer, incident, easily, helpful, third, vicinity, fourth, acceptable, fifth

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ne in the cushions and could he please let me find my leg medicine he said sure so i retrieved my money and got out of there but that s not all i also use the leg medicine story to get free admission to the state fair every year i tell the admissions guy that i left my leg medicine at the root beer stand i need that medicine to live i tell him one year when the state fair guy got wise and asked me why i take leg medicine i told him i don t take leg medicine and then i punched him in the face then i sprinted past the other ticket guys and bought myself a scotch egg the trick is to eat the scotch egg while it s hot it s no good when it s cold 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 13 am 4 comments sunday july 16 2006 blog hiatus still going strong i just received an email from euston jaffrens king of fried chicken stop by my restaurant and i will feed you the best plate of fried chicken you ever tasted it said i pedalled over to king of fried chicken only to be greeted by an empty dirt lot no fried chicken as far as the eye could see so i rode home and wrote to euston jaffrens dear mr jaffrens i tried to find your restaurant but it was not where you said it was please advise he promptly wrote back sorry for the inconvenience please accept this coupon for laser hair removal dr euston jaffrens dammit dr jaffrens i don t have time for your laser hair removal i barely have enough time for fried chicken when marguerite duras said the best way to fill time is to waste it she was referring to just this kind of fried chicken hassle i know this because we were in the popeye s drive thru when she said it let me tell you that woman could really put away the fried chicken marguerite duras writer filmmaker fried chicken enthusiast 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 55 am 6 comments wednesday july 12 2006 day two of official blog hiatus now that i am on blog hiatus i feel compelled to post something it s just like mother always said lose one shoe too bad for you lose two shoes fuck off i m not made of money just kidding mother would never say anything with an internal rhyme 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 1 28 pm 4 comments tuesday july 11 2006 summer hiatus by the way i don t know if you noticed but i m on hiatus to learn more about my hiatus or hiati in general check out wikipedia s hiatus page if you don t want to learn about hiati i can t help you go back to russia 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 4 44 pm 5 comments friday june 30 2006 polystyrene the earnest cousin i was thinking i d post something pretty soon but i want to take the time to make it good i don t want to rush it i want to create a thoughtful post about the sort of things my readers are into namely plastics of course some of my readers are into other related polymers but i can t be everything to everybody i have to focus on one thing at a time 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 19 am 4 comments monday june 05 2006 listen i don t want hear about my 401k i was just about to turn off my computer and hide it in the cupboard for the night when i stopped because i had one more thing to say it was about something i m already forgetting what i wanted to say i can t remember sometimes i wish my cat would wear a nice suit nothing too expensive just something nice no cumberbund or anything but something nicer than khakis and a sportscoat and on rainy days he could wear corduroys and a navy blue turtleneck but if he tried to tell me about my 401k i would put my hand on his shoulder and say listen i don t want to know the details 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 10 20 pm 6 comments allow me to consult my computer dictionary do you think i should buy a canoe i don t really want one but i hear they re all the rage according to my computer dictionary a canoe is a light slender boat that has pointed ends and is propelled by paddles who cares as far as watercraft is concerned i think i d prefer a fine pontoon that way i could walk into a bar and say i must admit i have a fine pontoon the rabble will never appreciate this tremendous joke but it is worth something in the proper milieu labels i have a fine pontoon staight up maritime enchantment 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 4 29 pm 0 comments wednesday may 24 2006 let that be a lesson to him one thing i find satisfying about mahmoud ahmadinejad is that i still do not know how to pronounce mahmoud ahmadinejad i always say makh mood abidjibbijab and what of it if he doesn t like it let him furnish me a letter of complaint on organizational letterhead 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 12 29 am 4 comments tuesday may 23 2006 people used to be apes for your fyi people used to be apes before they evolved into people do you think people used to be apes i do this was before we had cameras of course if i was an ape with a camera and i was evolving faster than my fellow apes i d take photos of my fellow apes to show my human grandchildren if i was an ape and i was evolving at a rate similar to that of my fellow apes i d break their cameras so they couldn t take my photo otherwise they would probably show their human grandchildren my early ape photos and tell the kids that i evolved slower than the others because i never learned sums 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 10 47 pm 4 comments monday may 22 2006 monday evening i was going to liveblog kenneth branagh s reading of goebbels personal diaries on pbs but i ve decided against it i m too full just ate a turkey patty 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 8 00 pm 4 comments tuesday may 16 2006 counting canadians i spent all last week gearing up for canada census day and now it is here i can t stand the suspense counting canadians is one of my favorite social rituals the most canadians i ve counted in one room is four but that s not counting half canadians or naturalized canadians or men wearing pleated trousers once i met a man named shane he was canadian but he was living in america he wore great cavalry mustaches and regularly threatened passersby with a steak knife all to avoid the usual penalty for being openly canadian in america which is having your eyes put out and your national park camping permit revoked 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 8 30 am 7 comments monday may 08 2006 i was born in diet pepsi and i ll die in diet pepsi i just made up a new language it s called z drippy and it will be the official language of my new nation state diet pepsi diet pepsi will officially exist as soon as i can get pepsico to sign some paperwork in the meantime why not learn a few phrases and because body language is 70 of communication i ve included some rudimentary gestures to help you along where is the toilet z drippy toilet cup crotch with both hands hop from one foot to the other can i exchange money here z drippy money squint pound fist on table how long will my flight be delayed z drippy delay delay delay flare nostrils rapidly i need a doctor i have a sliver in my foot z drippy sliver sit quickly remove shoe point to foot i would like a double room z drippy double room jab index finger into receptionist s lapel how do i get to the beach z drippy beach smell hand with keen interest i ll have the salmon corn cakes z drippy point to item on menu i m an american z drippy point to self bare lower teeth only i d like a cool refreshing diet pepsi z drippy cool refreshing diet pepsi rest forehead on table 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 34 pm 5 comments sunday may 07 2006 it works every time good idea for a restaurant buy a restaurant that has all its parts intact put a sign on the door that says under new management when patrons come in and sit down give them some menus and take their orders then go back into the kitchen make yourself a cup of tea and work on a crossword puzzle eventually the patrons will leave and it will be too late for them to eat at another restaurant ha ha suckers it works every time this restaurant concept would not work with me as a patron because i m convinced that this is how most restaurants do business already the difference is that they actually stock their kitchens with food i d never waste my restaurant money on food i d spend that money on quad bikes 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 2 54 pm 3 comments monday may 01 2006 vacation i need a vacation but i can t figure out where to go how to get there how to pay for it and how to avoid getting bedbugs at the hotel specifically i am looking for a holiday residence within walking distance of two starbucks so that if i suffer some sort of embarrassing incident at one location i can quickly and easily walk to the second location it would be helpful to have a third starbucks in the vicinity as well for the same reason a fourth starbucks within walking distance would be superfluous but acceptable update a fifth starbucks would get on my nerves unless it was a very small starbucks i e serving drinks for take away only no tables or chairs or walls of merchandise 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 9 18 am 11 comments thursday april 27 2006 and misspell should be spelled mispell ate a pancake this morning do you think iraq is misspelled i think it ought to be spelled eee rahck but i can t seem to coerce anyone into caring i just wish we had some discernable priorities regarding countries that force us to misspell their names seychelles for instance also maldives also some other places i can t remember right now i m on my way to the kitchen to prepare a sandwich 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 2 48 pm 3 comments monday april 24 2006 recent postcards from larry basket i ve been exchanging some postcards with my friend basket who is visiting tasmania i m not going to include my replies but for those of you who worry about basket here is what he has to say postcard from basket 1 you may as well know i have four new parakeets now the sea is beautiful he wrote postcard from basket 2 you ve never taken a fancy to parakeets have you terrible cuisine here by the way postcard from basket 3 you really ought to give my parakeets a chance you might find that you like them you might expand your horizons a bit he wrote been getting 10 12 hours of sleep per night postcard from basket 4 i am growing suspicious of the horses here the gleam in their eye chills me to the marrow do you think they could be centaurs somebody stole my good hat postcard from basket 5 i found a charming souvenir briefcase full of briefcases each briefcase slightly smaller than the briefcase surrounding it like those russian dolls the smallest briefcase had in it a folded piece of bubble wrap wish you were here at any rate that s the last i heard from basket 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 10 34 pm 2 comments sunday april 23 2006 i found a website on the internets i just found a website called cheese dot com this website primarily concerns cheese i m only mentioning this because i like cheese i m not going to link to cheese dot com because i don t really want others to look at it unless they are serious about cheese 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 16 pm 4 comments tuesday april 11 2006 gospel of judas i don t understand all this commotion about the gospel of judas i translated it years ago boring scarcely worth the effort judas mentions jesus only once in passing and the rest is ordinary diary drivel some excerpts why do all my black garments fade to different shades of black my black trousers faded blue black my black turtleneck is violet black and my black hoodie is green black with black black trim dorcus claims that no one will notice these shade irregularities but she s the one who pointed them out to me in the first place what so i should never wash my black clothes this sort of thing really gets on my tits judas 3 1 4 dorcas thinks she s a good lyre player but she s not she knows like two chords and they re both wrong somebody save me i think i m going to have another piece of carrot cake before it dries out judas 4 2 3 5 just got home from running errands traffic was horrible saw jesus at crate and barrel he did that thing where he pretends to not see me but i know he saw me how could you not notice me i m the only man in town with natural strawberry blonde hair judas 23 1 3 i can t find my tiki style sake cup set dorcus insists that she didn t throw it out with the nasty old tupperware last week please i wasn t born yesterday she s wanted me to get rid of that set ever since we got married didn t throw it out my ass judas 16 dorcus s sisters are over ostensibly to discuss the kitchen remodel but all i m hearing is wah wah gaining weight wah wah daughter smokes marajuana wah wah wah that s not what i heard kill me now judas 19 8 i was tidying my scrolls just now when i had a great idea why not surprise dorcus with a new scroll she s already read all these ones and i know she d like something to peruse while matthias is at his karate lesson judas 20 4 6 it goes on like this for four volumes sigh oh why did i take coptic in high school i should have taken something useful like french then i could have translated something important like the short stories of gerard depardieu 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 8 21 pm 10 comments friday april 07 2006 attention i ve been profiled by norman geras you may have seen him recently he s the fellow you always find loitering at the train station peeling open melty chocolate bars and casually attaching the wrappers to passersby update oops how embarrassing turns out the guy at the train station is gorman neras unemployed piano tuner and no relation to norman geras my mistake update update turns out gorman neras isn t unemployed he tunes pianos regularly and is paid handsomely and his name isn t gorman neras it is john robinson update update update turns out my ergotism related hallucations are back not only is john robinson not gorman neras he doesn t eat chocolate bars and he wants me to stop harrassing him with questions i don t even know if i have a normblog profile anymore 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 08 am 5 comments thursday april 06 2006 8 sequential auditory signals indicating that rafe has fallen out of bed again and has opted to sleep on the floor for the remainder of the night 1 the thump 2 the cry 3 the sniffle and cough 4 the scrape across floor 5 the impassioned sigh 6 the cussing 7 the silent fury 8 the tranquil hush 9 the snore 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 8 32 pm 4 comments wednesday april 05 2006 today s fortune as told to ewp by beautiful doll beautiful doll makes delightful friend eat carrots every day for health see physician for moles that change in appearance or texture 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 12 54 am 7 comments tuesday april 04 2006 what the financial times doesn t want you to know mild profit taking japanese real estate stocks extended gains into the eighth straight day on tuesday morning making up for mild profit taking in some other se...