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ife maybe even move to where i lived to start over i held her close and smelled her hair not knowing really if i would ever see her alive again i drove back to her mother s house silently i pretended a headache and went to lie down what i really did was sit on the bed and cry while my husband held me and prayed her mother asked me later what was really wrong with me she wanted to know what i wasn t telling her she needed me to talk to her like a nurse knowing that she needed to hear it i explained that this person this altered version is permanent this brain damage is unchangeable this personality shift is probably the new her forever in reality she had died that night the person that we knew was gone forever i spoke with her twice more before she left the rehab i didn t even know she had gone i called one evening to check on her and they said she had checked out i didn t find her again for almost a year she called me at midnight on new year s we spoke for 15 minutes she told me she was in love with a man she met at aa and that she still wanted to move near me to start her life over again i asked her how her children were she changed the subject that was 5 years ago i was able to find her cousin on facebook and asked tenderly if she was still alive i was told that the cousin didn t have contact with her but that yes she was alive i miss her terribly i think about her almost everyday and utter silent prayers that don t even have a form other than protect her last night after entering her name in the facebook search box which i am in the habit of doing every so often but always finding nothing suddenly there she was older a little more rough around the edges but alive and staring back at me from my computer screen she is suddenly tangible and available and i chickened out i looked through her page trying desperately to glean some insight into the person that she is now it amounted to no less than stalking i looked at posts pictures looked at the page of the man she is in a relationship with now but i didn t send her a message i just i don t know i m scared but then that s not exactly the right word worried may be a better word by all appearances she is still that other person the new person that i don t know i am faced with a dilemma that i never saw coming do i get to know this new person it would seem that after searching methodically for her for years and even asking family members about her that i would be overjoyed to find her and would not be able to stop myself from contacting her immediately but that is totally not what happened my heart leapt when i saw her face but then immediately in the place of joy came fear fear that i would hope for a relationship that cannot be fear that i would not love this new person and might even hate her for taking my best friend away from me i could tell from her facebook posts that we have very little in common anymore she appears to still be working out her demons while mine were faced long ago we apparently lead completely different lives with different directions or even morals do i let this person into my life not knowing what pain will come of it do i welcome her knowing that i may have to walk away from her at some point i cannot abide letting drama into my life for the sake of a friend i do not know anymore honestly i am ashamed of myself i searched for her my heart pined for her i have grieved the loss of her for years and now that she is right in front of me i am frozen in fear how can i ever have claimed to love her and not leap for joy at the sight of her how can i say that i truly am a friend when i became a coward the moment i saw her how can i be someone who is in school to be a professional counselor and feel judgmental towards my oldest and dearest friend for changing after a nearly deadly addiction i am ashamed and i should be i lay in bed last night and prayed i didn t even tell hubby that i found her or what i was going through i just wanted time to process as i lay there i thought about my boys talking at the dinner table about the mayan apocalypse we were discussing how no one really knows the hour and time that god will call us home then i thought about my oldest and dearest friend who i almost lost and to some extent did lose to a drug what if what if something does happen to her what if i had the chance to hear her voice one more time and i chickened out i have lived without my mother for 6 years now what i wouldn t do to have one more day with her god is handing me another chance with mel and i am letting the fear of the enemy keep me from her it does not matter if she is different i am different i am different in so many ways than i was in high school different even than i was the last time i saw her face being close to her might be painful as i am reminded of the differences between then and now but at least i have the chance to be close to her at all i am going to take that chance it might not end well but i do not think i will regret trying posted by melanie at 7 49 am 0 comments labels anxiety decisions emotional rollercoasters old friends tuesday october 30 2012 my mysterious new backbone just wanted to take a moment to update the situation with my oldest son the sweet one thank you all for the kind comments to my last blog about him it really meant a lot to me to know that others understand where i am coming from the situation is different now but no less scary for me as a mom february of this year the sweet one came out as bisexual it was a scary time for us especially for hubby i think we were well prepared for it because we had already been dealing with the bullying at least it wasn t completely out of the blue that would have been harder to deal with originally he told us he was gay well he told me that anyway i wanted to be cautious and urged him not to label himself at this age like i said before our morals dictate our behaviors no matter what our preferences are but he felt like he needed a label i understand that though i understand the need to feel confident in your actions and even in your own mind a label even though it has the potential to be damaging is solid and concrete it sometimes can be used as something to hold on to when nothing else makes sense this is totally not related but i have used my title of nurse as a platform to stand on and an identity to push myself to perform in situations i knew that i could not handle it was the foundation i needed to help myself know that yes i could do this difficult thing as a nurse even when as a person it was too much to handle i m not sure that s what he meant but that s how i understood it for him to be able to stand up for himself as a bullied person he needed a place to start from he s almost grown i can t make these decisions for him i don t even think i can influence him anymore than i already have i ve done my job i ve left my mark one of the things i have learned about and for myself is that the world is not black and white motherhood is muddy i can have all the opinions i want about other people s kids but it s not so easy when it s your own child i m here to tell you that right now i would like to say that i handled it well but the truth is that i did struggle i struggled with my personal opinions about homosexuality which were that it is a sin but so is my mouth so who am i to judge i struggled with worrying that he was acting out the trauma of the bullying he quickly set those fears at ease with a few stories dating back to elementary school and i also to be honest struggled with my faith i m still struggling with my faith somewhat no that s not correct i am struggling with my faith community i have no problems with god i have no problem with my son i have a huge problem with other christians actions towards my son note to them you are not being judged by him you are not responsible for his actions or preferences you are not his mother i tried to keep quiet for many months about his orientation i figured it was his business and he will handle it as it comes to him mostly that is still true but i find myself becoming more and more defensive as time passes this is what i recently told a friend i need my son to know that i love him period i don t care about what others think of me for it if i have to march in the gay day parade wearing a rainbow striped shirt for him to know that i love him where s my shirt i don t care if my brand of faith differs from yours at all in fact i could honestly care less i m not asking anyone what they think about it or what they would do because in reality unless your child is gay you have no idea what my family has gone through a very sweet older couple in our church recently came forward as having a gay adult son whom they shunned and now are trying to re connect with they re advice was this love him never let him feel like you don t love him even if you have to keep your mouth shut about his life his choice in partners his choice in friends whatever make sure that he knows you love him and that is what is more important than being right i think that is advice that i can live by since his announcement he has taken the time and given himself the permission to learn more about himself which is amazing considering i still can t decide if i like red peppers he has dated a few girls and a few guys and has decided that he likes both for different reasons for now he has chosen the label bisexual that may change with his life and experience i may end up with a daughter in law or a son in law both are wins for me as long as he is loved for now as long as he choses the label son and lets me carry the label of mother that s all that matters to me posted by melanie at 9 49 am 0 comments labels emotional rollercoasters finding my backbone gay kids parenthood thursday october 25 2012 crazy ideas crockpots and me ok so sometimes i think i am really a glutton for punishment no really i am my recent decision to go back to nursing school has me a little frantic i remember nursing school i remember how exhausted i was how much i cried how few hot meals my family ate during that time no joke at least 3 nights a week of peanut butter and jelly in an attempt to keep my life from falling apart after i start nursing school in january i have decided to attempt this crazy thing i have been seeing on the internet freezer cooking now this is not a a cooking blog but i thought who cares someone might enjoy it probably not but i m writing about it anyway haha the general concept is that you buy all the ingredients you need for several meals and spend the time to assemble them into ready to cook recipes like crockpot meals or casseroles then freeze them when you need to cook you just pull it out of the freezer and throw it in the oven or crockpot i really like the idea i m just not sure i am consistent enought to do it right i have been scouring the internet reading every blog i can find trying to learn from these other women who s houses are mostly clean and who s freezers are fully stocked with ready to go meals it sounds like a total scam but i m going to do it anyway have any of you tried this did it work it s a scam isn t it no don t tell me i want to be suprised i will be starting sometime in the next week or two but this is what i need warnings tips advice general moral boosters and booze not for the cooking just for me if any of you have tried it i need to hear from you if it didn t work i need to hear from you more do you have recipes that you know freeze well send them to me if i use of your recipes i will link back to you anyway be on the look out for that post in the next couple of weeks posted by melanie at 10 09 am 1 comments labels crazy ideas freezer cooking frugal homemaking menu planning the funny thing about making plans for the future well hello i promised myself i would attempt to check in on my blog once in awhile i miss it i miss my readers i miss having the time to write most of all i may have a little more time for the next couple months so maybe i can blog a little more than once a year haha i started my junior year for my psychology degree this year but i m just not feeling it anymore life has changed so much since i started so so much of my life is different i m not sure that i even recognize the person that i was in 2009 i am much less sure of who what i am now much less sure of my likes my wants my dreams i m not quite middle age but since i started so early with my adult life maybe that is exactly what is happening professionally i have hit a brick wall my current nursing license is pretty well un usable is that even a word in my area now as an lpn my job prospects are almost non existent now for one i live in a very rural area and attempting to commute to a large city where my job prospects would be better would mean i would have to make twice what i would ever be offered just to pay for the gas aside from that my hometown hospital is the last hospital maybe in the whole area to even hire lpn s i could just stay where i am but my hours have been cut to less than 24 hrs a week and still falling financially my hospital is dying as a lot of small rural hospitals are doing right now because of budget cuts and the change in the way the government is reimbursing through medicare medicaid it won t be long and my position will be dissolved all together i was actually reminded of that this week when a co worker was let go after 25 years of service just because of lack of funding so combined with lack of growth in my area of the industry and frustration at my current personal issues hubby and i have decided to put my psych degree on hold i will be leaving the workplace in january and returning to nursing school another 2 years of school yay don t get me wrong i am grateful to have the opportunity but i just don t feel like i am ever going to not be a student again i made up my mind to leave the nursing field 3 years ago i am not too thrilled about coming back into it this way but mommy s and daddy s have bills to pay 24 hours a week is not paying our bills right now losing my job completely is not going to help matters any either so i switch majors finish my nursing degree so that i can continue working while i finish my bachelor s in psych and go on to get my master s at this rate i should be out of school sometime around the year 2020 that sentance made me want to take a nap i almost cannot believe that 3 years have passed since i even made the decision to go to school in the first place that seems impossible but time does what needs to do it passes on the bright side at this rate i will be graduating with my master s in psychology after having also gotten my nursing degree by my 40th birthday all i can say is that i plan on having a hell of a party that year i do promise to blog about it posted by melanie at 8 48 am 2 comments labels family frustration i love my blog friday december 23 2011 i m still a hot mess i haven t written in a really long tim...