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description=3 posts published by Michael in MI during July 2024;

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blogs, to, american, you, an, aka, recent, posts, do, attitude, are, or, sleep, perchance, dream, words, shouldn, say, but, deserve, know, alh, 3333, amy, sillyamy, need, put, that, image, in, your, heart, and, keep, it, there, about, barack, obama, blogroll, global, warming, iraq, bloggers, islam, media, watchdog, military, right, of, center, most, popular, comments, categories, blog, stats, archives, site, info,

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Text of the page (random words):
wishing i was with you instead anticipation that was our thing to say to one another anticipation of one day being together in person i honestly don t know why i never just decided to get in my jeep and drive up to appleton and just call you when i got there and asked you to meet me finally i remember i always thought about doing that but i also was always worried that if i did that it would scare you away i didn t want to pressure you into meeting if you were uncomfortable doing so but i did always wonder if you wanted me to do that but just didn t want to ask i have always regretted not doing that and always will we had something special such a special bond an innocent bond one which i always wanted to know if it could have blossomed into something more alas reading everything again the letters the cards the conversations the memories of our years long long distance friendship all just came rushing back all the good all the bad and everything in between i remember the ping sound of aol when an im box popped up and how my heart skipped a beat when i saw it was from you alh 3333 i remember alh stood for amy louise hill because you had a major crush on duke star grant hill and 33 was his number i remember the same feeling through the years when i saw i had aol e mail from alh 3333 i remember keeping in touch with you after moving to michigan and starting my career after graduating purdue i remember coming home to messages from you on my answering machine just saying hello i remember talking to you on the phone in my apartment living room while i was in the middle of trying to put together my entertainment center i remember telling you how i loosened up more and you were right about kid rock and i liked his music now i remember staying up late on the phone with you and we didn t even have to talk to enjoy each other s company just knowing you were on the other end and i was there for you seemed to make us both content because of that i will forever think of you when i hear the allison kraus song when you say nothing at all that will forever hold a special place in my heart not to mention you turned me on to the groups rascal flatts and lonestar and the 3 doors down song here without you will forever remind me you these lyrics described almost all the years you were in and out of my life i m here without you baby but you re still on my lonely mind i think about you baby and i dream about you all the time i m here without you baby but you re still with me in my dreams everything i know and anywhere i go it gets hard but it won t take away my love that said i think other than allison kraus when you say nothing at all the band and songs that i will forever associate with you is creed i discovered creed that summer of 1998 when they came out with my own prison album i bought it and played that in my jeep constantly so many songs hit home for me and then after we met online and started writing letters and cards to one another you would put creed song lyrics in your letters and cards hello my friend we meet again it s been a while where should we begin feels like forever within my heart are memories of perfect love that you gave to me oh i remember that entire song s lyrics probably perfectly represent the feelings that washed over me whenever we reconnected after time apart i also remember our friendship was not always full of good times while we kept in contact from 1998 to sometime in 2013 we lost touch numerous times over that period and looking back i know much of that is my fault i remember being upset when you said you were planning more trips overseas which meant no chance for us to finally meet and be together at least for the length of that trip i should have been supportive and happy for you but i was just selfish and thinking of myself years later i remember feeling angry and upset hearing about how you were travelling more and visiting family and friends yet you never seemed open to either visiting me in michigan or chicago or me coming to visit you i remember feeling hurt that i did not seem to be a priority for you and that you just wanted to keep me at arm s length as basically a virtual pen pal i remember for a while you would sometimes call me up out of the blue when you had a bit of a long drive to make somewhere and decided to call me to talk with me during the trip i remember i initially enjoyed those calls but then grew to feel like i was just being used to pass the time quicker i remember a time after we reconnected and you asked me if i remembered those calls and i said i didn t as at the time i had forgotten about them you mentioned that you enjoyed those conversations and i sensed that you were a little hurt that i did not remember them basically signaling to you that i was not appreciating the little things about our friendship that meant something to you turns out that soon after i remembered why i had apparently tried to remove those from my memory because i started to associate them with hurt feelings i remember never wanting to get started into a deep topic because i knew at any moment you would arrive at your destination and you d have to hang up and you d not call me back later yeah that was just one small example of how our once cherished special friendship had started to sour through the years the last few years of on and off communication between us i remember were pretty heart wrenching for me i remember dating marie from december 2002 to july 2005 yet still thinking about you i remember not wanting to tell you i was dating her when you would get back in touch with me through those years because i still was holding out hope that one day you would want to finally get together and see about us and when that never happened i remember telling myself that i had to just let you go from my life as we were not doing each other any good pretending that we wanted to be together but never doing anything about it it was not until the presidential campaign of 2008 where we i think for the first time talked about anything political and i found out that you were a big supporter of barack obama since i at the time was a hardcore conservative voter this really threw me for a loop and i remember that i superficially and stupidly used that disconnect between us as an excuse to try to tell myself that i had to finally let you go however it of course was not that easy nothing ever seemed to be with us over the years later that year i ended up pouring my heart out to you in an e mail conversation telling you i felt i had been in love with you the 10 years we had been in contact and even through dating amber in college and heather and marie in michigan my heart was always telling me that you were my one and someday i would marry you but while i knew how i felt about you i also had no idea how we could make an actual relationship work still living so far apart of course that ended up not mattering as i think my confession of my feelings ended up scaring you and pushing you away from me once again i don t think we ever did have a true heart to heart talk about the feelings we each had for one another and that ended up being where we started to grow apart for good i think when i didn t hear you reciprocate my feelings i admitted i had for you i realized that if you were not sure after 10 years after all we had been through and shared together that you would likely never feel for me how i did for you and instead of appreciating that we could still have our long distance friendship as we always had i resented not being able to have more and used this to distance myself from you from us looking back while it turned out the right thing to do for our lives going forward the way i went about it all was very selfish and self centered and not at all how i would have wanted our special friendship to end were i to do that over again i would have liked to have been more mature and try to keep our friendship alive just with better perspective and realistic expectations of what that friendship would entail had i done that maybe we remain in contact these past 10 years and we share our experiences in life and love like we used to do in the early years when we were young and innocent but that was my fault looking back i realize you blossomed into an even more wonderful kindhearted mature respectful caring intelligent responsible and loving woman meanwhile i never learned to deal with my immaturity in relationships and forgot to cherish and appreciate what i had instead of resenting what i couldn t have and that gets to the heart of why i am writing this amy and why i am writing it here instead of sending it directly to you through e mail or by looking you up on some social media outlet it has been 10 years and you have rightfully moved on and are living a wonderful life that you deserve and i am so genuinely happy for you while i wish i could tell you that what we shared from 1998 to 2013 was such a cherished and special part of my life and you will always hold a special place in my heart and i remember the love we shared as if it were yesterday and it means everything to me i also know that you have found true love and further purpose in life and that this means much more to me than you but i wanted to put these words out to the universe that maybe somehow they reach your heart and it gives peaceful closure to our once cherished friendship i hope you know how much our special friendship and love meant to me and will always mean to me i hope you know how sorry i am for not cherishing it as i should have and for being too selfish and immature to keep it going i hope you know that my life was always better when you were a part of it i hope you always know you have a piece of my heart and i will always hold you in a special place in my heart and amy i hope you continue to live the long life of love and happiness you deserve july 16 2024 2 38pm posted by michael in mi amy life love relationships romance friends friendship life lifestyle love comments off on words i shouldn t say but you deserve to know alh 3333 aka amy b aka sillyamy i need you to put that image in your heart and keep it there i feel torn apart inside and i am not sure what to do about it or even if i should do anything about it i recently retrieved the last of the documents i had locked up in my storage space for the past 13 years i had a large file cabinet with numerous different files saved going all the way back to my teenage years in chicago i had bank statements from chicago bank accounts a couple 30 year us bonds from 1989 and 1990 which just recently matured all my report cards from purdue from 1994 1999 a number of bank account statements from my time at purdue all the information i printed out from the internet when researching to buy my 1997 jeep cherokee sport the summer of 1997 a number of bank and credit card account statements from the 2000s all the information i had saved when purchasing my house in garden city in 2003 including letters from my then girlfriend s family who were helping me with advice as they had a real estate agent in the family and finally i had two very large file folders full of old letters cards birthday cards love letters and mementos from family and friends from my college days through the 2000s reading through all this stuff it sent me back in time in a way there were good memories and bad memories within it all and each one of them seemed to affect me in numerous ways a part of me remembered some things fondly and smiled a part of me remembered things fondly and felt sad a part of me could not remember why i lost touch with the people and felt sad and a longing to go back to resolve the lack of closure a part of me felt awful remembering that it was my fault in many cases where i did not respond to kind girls requests for me to write letters back to them as they felt we had a connection they wanted to keep going a part of me felt sick realizing that i likely immensely hurt some girls by leaving them without closure just as i have been immensely hurt in my life when girls left me without closure and a big part of me felt dejected remembering how i was so ridiculously blind to how good i really had things back then with many people and girls showing genuine interest in me as a man and as a person all these things and people are from 20 25 years ago and i would have to guess 99 of people would never have these memories come back to them like this because most normal people would have thrown these things out long ago and moved on with living their lives and created many many new memories with many many new people i however have not done so and i m paying the price emotionally now the best way i can describe it is like in the story a christmas carol when the ghost of christmas past visits ebeneezer scrooge and shows him how cruel he had been in the past this is what going through these saved letters and cards and writings is doing to me only i am not just seeing all the bad as there is some good here as well but even seeing the good reminds me of how i took all that good for granted back then and was not mature enough to appreciate it as i should have i m really struggling with this imagine you were sent back in time and you were able to see yourself as your younger self and watch certain parts of your life both good and bad see some of your best moments as well as some of your worst moments and remember that you didn t appreciate those good moments enough and then watch helplessly as you watch your worst moments and wish you could reach out and shake yourself and tell yourself to not do or say something there s really no way i can think to fix this it s not like i can try to look up people from 20 25 years ago most of whom i couldn t find anyway but even if i could i would have to bet 99 of them probably moved on 20 25 years ago and hearing from me wouldn t mean anything to them as they have long forgotten me and the time of life we shared together which is probably for the best i just don t know how to process all of this the best thing to do is probably to throw all of this stuff in the trash leave it all behind and move on but a big part of me feels that by doing that by getting rid of the evidence that these things happened in my life that it would be like eliminating them from my life altogether as if they never happened at all if great love happened but there is no written documentation of it did it really happen at all if i get rid of these mementos of my life both good and bad memories and all i am left with is my current state of life does it mean those things never happened at all i don t know if i can deal with that there is a scene in the movie the family man with nicholas cage an angel puts him in an alternate life where he is given a glimpse of what his life could have been like had he married his college sweetheart when he realizes that the glimpse is about to end and the angel will be sending him back to his...