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hree or five or however many rather than doing things in pairs but it would be easier for all of us if i paired up with someone that makes me think of a friend s church that called the young adults group the pairs and spares crimony so dammit why not go out with this very nice man who has been so flatteringly interested because i d rather hang out on my own than with someone nice but boring that s the bottom line and besides as i sat down tonight to work on the the discernment and evaluation for readiness for holy orders studies questionnaire no small task as you might infer from that slightly ridiculous title the first essay question i tackled was how does your spouse and or children feel about your desire to pursue ordained ministry not applicable people not applicable next question posted by spookyrach at tuesday december 05 2017 7 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday november 06 2017 sunday sunday that s my fun day thanks to the time change i arrived at the church in the big city a few minutes early rather than trying to slip in just ahead of the processional as per usual the church property s parking lot forms a cross with the church building at the apex i ve no idea if that was intentional or not but it s kind of cool normally i park on the crossbar but today i pulled into a spot at the bottom of the cross as i walked up the cross towards the heavy double doors at the entrance a man in a white robe starting yelling at me he was seated man spread on a bench just to the side of the entrance once he caught my attention i could make out his words i m innocent officer i didn t do it don t take me away i glanced around expecting to see a police officer in uniform or something similar behind me no one was near don t arrest me officer i m innocent i was at flipz nowhere near the scene of the crime needless to say i was curious to my knowledge i d never seen this man who wore his glasses pushed up on his forehead and whose scraggly grey ponytail rivaled my own in it s ineffectual attempt to hide his age how did he know what i do for a living do i walk like a cop and let s be honest if he does know my chosen career he s a bit misinformed about the nature of my job as a probation officer naturally i stopped to talk to him he stood up and held out his hand his left hand i have to shake with my left he said ginning ruefully i m smoking with my right he briefly held out a hand with blackened nails and smoke emanating from between his fingers evidently whatever he was smoking had burned down to almost nothing or he was actually on fire i took the proffered hand and he said do you play pinball not since college i replied slightly surprised by the segue i used to love pinball me too flipz is a place here in town that is just pinball games fireball is my favorite have you ever played that what s your favorite whatever they had in the lobby of the movie theater i answered wednesday was dollar movie night so i d play pinball catch the movie and have a great time where did you go to college i named the small baptist university located an hour north baptist how did you end of up at the presbyterian church i was a bit confused by this since this was not the presbyterian church and considered that perhaps he was actually planning to attend the unitarian church located on a corner of the parking lot and maybe he was just borrowing a bench unsure of the denomination of this church however i ve not normally thought of the universalists as a high church robe wearing crowd before i could process this and answer his question he spoke again my name s randy what s yours rachel i replied mentally rolling my eyes at the universe rachel huh and i m randy r and r sometimes my friends call me r he smiled having been married to and divorced from a randy i ve heard all the r and r preciousness before i was not impressed but it was not this randy s fault so i smiled at him nice to meet you randy i began to turn towards the doors and move away nice to meet you and thanks he said thanks for what i wasn t sure but as i reached for the wrought iron door handles i was pretty sure that i d completely missed some important subtext in the whole interaction i stepped through the doorway and ran smack into realization this is what it s like to talk to me for the first time i m more than happy to let you in on my existence in the moment weaving our interaction into my own personal private zeitgeist but i tend not to ever explain my thought process or subtext and now i know exactly what that feels like from the other side thanks randy but that s not the story i was going to tell you no doubt many of you have figured out what it is that i ve decided to do with my retirement it s not exactly public yet but it s not exactly private either i m entering the discernment and ministry formation process in my episcopal diocese we re going to find out if i have any business being a priest the vestry at my church has just voted to sponsor me that was great then those bastards printed the news right there in the church newsletter that was a bit disconcerting and maybe just a little frightening my mentor warned me once that i would get very very tired of talking about myself during this process as much as you might doubt it from reading this completely self indulgent blog i am not good at nor do i like talking about what i really think and feel making this decision public flies in the face of my naturally secretive personality to be honest it s still not actually public there are really very few people in my world who read this blog or the monthly newsletter at the episcopal church and i haven t told many of my real life acquaintances still this sunday one of my very favorite people was ushering i d left randy to finish whatever he was burning on that bench and entered the dark wooden doors jack was waiting in the aisle with a stack of worship paraphernalia give me a bulletin you jerk i snarled he grinned making his eyes crinkle here take it the bitch was implied but unspoken jack and i consider profanity to be a spiritual gift but we do try to practice it outside of the building he is a master of that game and i m no slouch at it either jack is probably old enough to be my father he and his ethereal husband are absolutely delightful i first met him at jay s house one friday afternoon when she wanted help hanging paintings on the walls of her new home i was just there for comic relief jack was the expert he and i had an epic cuss fight once we d discovered our mutual natural propensity for it jack is also a member of the vestry today during the passing of the peace he hugged me as i pulled away he took both of my hands in his he s got the most marvelously snarky gravely voice he looked up at me putting his mouth near my ear i m praying for you he murmured i m praying for you he repeated pulling back to glare at me while you travel this ridiculous journey you ve decided on traveling in those motorcycle boots and that leather jacket he growled i laughed out loud he looked at me are you crazy he gripped my hands tightly well yeah probably i admitted but i ve got the perfect jewelry for the job i raised my left wrist jack burst out laughing loudly i was wearing the slightly famous bracelet jack shook his head oh my lord this is going to be fun he squeezed my hands one more time then moved on to accost other unsuspecting worshipers and later just for the record he did a masterful job of heckling the announcements i am having so much fun with these messed up people it s getting to the point that i don t even mind the peace passing all that much and that right there friends and neighbors is one more proof of the existence of god when i told my home church the congregation of seven that i am considering ordained ministry they told me that if i don t get motorcycle helmet hawks to match the colors of the liturgical season then i m just not doing it right when i sat down to type this story into blogger and saw the news of what happened at another texas church this sunday bloody sunday i was both horrified and hopeful hopeful that we will continue to be the quirky imperfect people that we are hopeful that we won t cower in fear hopeful that we will live in the light and the laughter my friend di noting the prevalence of resignation and despair these days posted this quote from st molly of austin one of my personal heroes the thing is this you got to have fun while you re fightin for freedom cause you don t always win molly ivins let s keep having fun it s important posted by spookyrach at monday november 06 2017 20 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest thursday october 12 2017 y all know the nsa must love these posts stuff is happening life is busy but still feels fairly peaceful and zen like the balance is cool i m learning and growing and branching out that s cool too i m trying a few new things here and there leaps into the unknown one of those things is kind of a big deal it involves background checks and stuff i ve had a few background checks over the years none of them have been particularly thorough it seems this time i decided on the spur of the moment and mostly due to my spectacularly bad judgment in the face of a potentially good story to tell the powers that be about the time i was briefly a suspect in the unabomber investigation not maybe the smartest thing i could have done but it was worth it the look on that one guy s face was so worth it when considering a leap into the unknown you need a mentor someone who has been there and leaped that i am often a loner professionally speaking in the past five or six years i ve realized i am not good at asking questions i tend to watch and learn and attempt the new skill on my own that s not necessarily bad but i don t ask for help there are a lot of times i don t even know what questions to ask it s something i m working on one way i m doing that is by finding a mentor and allowing them to actually mentor me which is inexplicably difficult i met with my mentor a couple of days after the background check meeting and confessed my confession imagine my surprise when she said that s almost as good as my bomb story her story involved a practical joke which resulted in the mobilization of the bomb squad from the local air force base the police department a paid security agency and the entire administrative team of the local hospital when i finally stopped laughing i thought damn god you really know how to bring the right people together at the right time this mentor thing is going to work but i fully expect that we will get ourselves arrested at some point in the future and it will be glorious posted by spookyrach at thursday october 12 2017 5 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest tuesday august 29 2017 hum along if you don t know the words today i ate lunch at a little diner in boot texas not it s real name but if you check out the map for my jurisdiction you can figure out which town i m referring to this place one of two restaurants in town is always crowded they make an excellent greasy burger i had the fluffy burger today it s named for the big burly guy with the awesome tattoos who was a cook there for a few months i miss him and that burger oh my gawd it s a big ol hunk of meat with melty white cheese grilled mushrooms more melty white cheese grilled onions two or three more slabs of melty white cheese and some sort of grease sauce slobber one of the ladies who works behind the counter has friended me on facebook i don t know how she found me but she did she was excited to learn that we both come from the same small peninsula on an island that is part of another country altogether how unlikely is that very unlikely actually i had to explain that i wasn t from that area at all i list it as my home town on my profile because it is also my real life last name we had a laugh about it i don t strive to be anonymous online just un googleable by my real name my chosen career necessitates secrecy as much as is possible about my personal life i grew up in a glass house and that s where i first learned to keep secrets for better or worse i don t mean that bad stuff was happening at home rather that privacy was always at a premium and secrecy was how you bought it at this point my brother would be rolling his eyes he having grown up in the same glass house thinks i am way too revelatory online and i am within carefully controlled boundaries and under an assumed name it s weird inside my head i know i keep secrets that don t even need to be secret it s become habit occasionally i think it s not especially healthy i recently told a group of 4 000 women that i m a part of on facebook what my real name is i ve been in that group for more than 10 years all but me and about three others are clergy members there was no reason for them not to know my real name so when a post asked for us to update our introductions i put it out there it felt weird but good about a year ago i stopped at a friend s house for a quick visit on my way through dallas to somewhere else i count this woman as a good friend we ve read each other s blogs for a decade or more i ve spent weekends in her house i ve been to her churches to hear her preach several times over the years on this particular afternoon i sat at her fabulous kitchen table it is a seriously cool table having a cup of tea another of her friends dropped by and she started to introduce me to the woman she said my first name then a look of desperation dawned on her face i d never not to my memory ever told her my last name i introduced myself to the friend so yeah i keep secrets more than i need to today when i walked into the diner the lady at the counter handed me a large unsweet tea in a to go cup she d seen me in the parking lot and had it ready by the time i opened the door it s nice to be known i placed my order and took a seat in a rickety booth the cook who i don t remember seeing before yelled at me from behind the grill what kind of bun do you want surprise me i yelled back she grinned and slathered a jalapeno bun with an ungodly amount of butter before dropping it on to the grill once i d finished the cholesterol fest i got a refill and headed out the door as i was leaving all the employees yelled bye rachel i d not been there for at least two months i only recognized one of the three ladies working but we joked around a bit and they all called me by name and made me a hella good lunch i felt like a rock star i know this sort of thing is not exclusive to small towns but it is a part of small town living that makes life more pleasant as i was driving back to the office in a town 10 miles away where the only lunch option is a beer store that serves bbq i remembered another name related incident from this summer it s really really good bbq by the way a couple of months ago ...