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2 44 pm 2 comments saturday january 01 2022 reflections it s been a while unprecedented times continue my father died in august of 2020 i ll have more to write about that at another time in may of 2021 a flood of biblical proportions flooded our home and many others we moved in with my mother on may 18 2021 and remain here to this day i ll have more to write about that too we had no flood insurance we do now we have managed to rebuild but it has been a long and slow haul we still aren t done but there is hope we may be able to begin moving back in toward the end of next week i ll also have more to write about that the thing that brings me here tonight is the fact that i don t think i ve managed my life well for the last 7 months i haven t been able to journal much i haven t been able to do any of my creative endeavors i haven t kept up with my walking i haven t eaten as well as i could have i have no real excuse it s just the way it was i coped as well as i could under the circumstances looking back i am a little disappointed in myself i could have been more mindful and aware instead i shut down gratitude became difficult what i saw was someone who couldn t seem to deal with not having her way not being able to be in my own home someone who made it through the death of her son and three different bouts of cancer and yet couldn t deal gracefully with being displaced from her home i m grateful we were able to stay with my mom grateful that she is happy to have us and now i worry because she will have to learn to live alone again after we are gone december of 2020 was the ten year anniversary of my son s death with the relaxing of covid protocols the student art show was held this year cancelled last year i bought two last pieces of pottery for my grief collection i ll still shop the student art show and will probably buy more pottery i just felt it was time to declare the grief collection complete i hope to come here more often in 2022 i m not sure what my creative life will look like when i finally get settled back into my house there will be changes perhaps they will be changes i can be grateful for in spite of the cost it took to get to them posted by annie at 8 10 pm 2 comments sunday april 26 2020 unprecedented times everybody and his brother has already declared it so and i will reiterate we are living in unprecedented times i ve been trying to journal some about the situation as i see it as it effects me i m not doing a good job at it i m working from home which is weird i m doing the same work but in a different environment i have a grandson who turned two months old yesterday i have held him in my arms exactly one time the current normal is me going to my daughter s house and walking with her at an acceptable distance while she strolls the baby i m grateful her baby came early and they were able to get home when they did we were able to visit with them in the hospital before all the limitations were placed on hospital visits i visit my parents by sitting outside on their patio while staying the acceptable distance i am grateful to be able to do that my sister has not been able to come see my parents for over a month now i ve watched far too much tv little fires everywhere almost human bosch tales from the loop in case you need any suggestions i ve participated loosely in a couple of writing groups centered around the things we are currently experiencing i ve take a free online collage class and i m looking forward to taking a second paid class with the same instructor i ordered a kit to make clay bowls with rose transfers on them that was a class offered on zoom i ve cooked more often than usual i ve eaten more junk and moved less than usual i ve made about a dozen cloth face masks my various appointments at md anderson have all been rescheduled for june 1 it s a weird and difficult time for the entire world if i think too much and too broadly about the possible repercussions of this time for the world and for our country i worry what helps most is bringing myself back to this present moment that s all i have that s all any of us have that is always the way it has been posted by annie at 1 13 pm no comments wednesday january 08 2020 the much longed for five year mark today was my day to hear results from my ct scan everything was clear and looking good i was worried because i had been anemic i tested positive for blood in my stool my colonoscopy was clear but because of the anemia they did an upper scope where they saw mucus fatty liver doctor had a fancy word for this then they decided to do a camera pill endoscopy i m not good at swallowing pills so that was an anxiety producing procedure i was able to swallow it and possible tmi alert saw the blinking flash of the camera after i passed it that didn t show any definitive answer the fatty liver doctor thought my bleeding might be due to anastomosis i m no doctor but when i looked that word up i decided that was probably not the problem by the time my team finally got together and discussed this they also decided that wasn t the problem because the surgery had been done so long ago by the time they arrived at the conclusion that this looked like dried blood how can it be dry in such a wet environment my anemia had disappeared and i was back on track they told me the blood could have been old could have been from a hard stool or severe diarrhea again maybe tmi for the average person keep in mind i never saw any blood i was anemic they had to check it out it s hard when these possibilities are being discussed when it feels like they take so long to let the patient know what is going on this patient has an active imagination and has to do a lot of pre worrying and is generally convinced that this will be the time they are going to come back and tell her she s a goner for sure the patient firmly believes she finally got a direct answer from the fatty liver doctor because after sending several patiently polite emails she sent an email saying she assumed this was not a matter that need to be taken care of in a timely manner patient also mentioned that she was having trouble quelling her anxiety about that might be happening with her body also this patient loosened up on her healthy eating habits and was not as active as she had been to be fair the holidays are a challenge to most of us when it comes to trying to keep healthy habits additionally this patient is sure everyone has noticed the entire world seems to be in a dark place right now the patient might have spent a moment or two wondering what s the point i read somewhere about a hockey coach player who had colon cancer he was going through chemo and had decided he d had quite enough but he talked it over with his wife and he thought about how it was for him with hockey when down 7 1 he still played to the end that s what i want to remember to play to the end i sat around a little too much and i ate far too many sweets over the holidays and before if i am honest i got discouraged and thought i d never get to this five year mark thought they would always find something else yet here i am having made it and now i need to remember that even if i am down 7 1 i need i want to play to the end the sad thing is i ve never actually even been down 7 1 that problem has always been only in my head a product of my over active and melodramatic imagination today i was grateful and maybe a bit surprised when they told me i was ready to move to survivor care i no longer have to do yearly ct scans and i only need to do colonoscopies every five years i came out with mixed feelings i have a colonoscopy scheduled for april i still need to work on getting back on the eating healthier and exercising regularly wagon i still have several years of mammograms to get through before i m ready for survivor care with breast cancer i felt whiny felt like i was saying in my head but i still have all these other things hanging over my head it s true i have that and more hanging over my head but the word i need to use is not but it s and i m still working on my breast cancer issues i still need to work on building stronger bones and i am a five year colon cancer survivor posted by annie at 10 16 pm 3 comments labels colon cancer thursday december 19 2019 that time my younger self visited i m doing a project that is designed to foster a mindful beginning to the coming year one of today s assignments was to draw a map of a neighborhood you lived in as i was drawing my map this memory floated to the surface and i wanted to write a bit about it all it s still such a visceral memory experience we moved from this neighborhood the summer before my 4th grade year they were buying everyone out so they could sell or tear down the small frame houses and build bigger homes it was a move up for our family to be sure but my mother mourned this move deeply we often went back by to see if our little house was gone one day it was gone and there was an empty lot sometime later a nice brick home stood in the place where our little frame home had stood the home where we hung out on the porch to wait for my father to come home after work the home that had a heater with a vent in the floor that kind of scared me it could have swallowed any of us up if we d stepped wrong and fallen maybe i thought the devil lived down in there it was also the home that heralded the arrival of my younger sister and brother my first best friend lived across the street the place itself the land where our house was holds many sweet family memories the neighborhood is not that far away one day i was in the area and had time to kill so i drove by all but one of the older homes have been torn down and new homes are on most of the old lots i circled around to the back of where our house was that lot was empty so i stopped there i was in a meditative mood and looking across to the gully when a young girl appeared as though she had crossed the gully from our old backyard it was like seeing a young doe in the woods we were both a little unsure of what we were seeing and maybe we were both a little wary but our eyes met and i knew she was my younger self the vision lasted only a few moments longer it was such a sweet communion i felt so loved and at peace afterwards i cried tears well up as i write this now posted by annie at 1 11 pm no comments labels introspection sunday december 08 2019 rambling sunday thoughts it s been eight years today since we lost our son it s hard to believe it s actually been that long on friday i went to the student art sale and bought two pieces of pottery i ve been pondering how much long i will keep this ritual collection going the rituals of grief do change during the years and it may be time to let this particular ritual go life seems to be an ongoing process of figuring out what works for you noticing when the thing you figured out is no longer working for you and then adjusting your course accordingly i ve been really deep in that work lately though i m not sure i am making any measurable progress i kept this piece for my desk at home it s holding a portion of my various colorful pens i ll be using in my planner journal i m trying to color code things sometimes the different colors seem chaotic to me color choices in my planner journal doesn t really matter much in the grand scheme of things it s one of those distractions that i need to dig a little deeper into and ask myself a few questions for one thing what more complicated or difficult task or decision am i avoiding by spending so much of my time and energy on choosing colors for my planner journal when i first considered choosing this piece it reminded me of one of those beehive drawings that show the hive hanging from the tree looking at it now it also reminds me of the pot my mother used for baking beans i think she probably still has that old pot i looked up beehive symbolism and found this it s more about bees than beehives and i m too lazy to dig any deeper into the accuracy of the sentiment but i like it very much and aspire to be more like the honey bee in my own way thinking lord knows we certainly have enough too many ants and spiders in our current world the other mention of bees comes from frances bacon 1561 1626 he uses a parable of the ant the spider and the honey bee to describe the best method of attaining knowledge the ant he says works hard collects data and makes a big pile of data the spider takes the substance from within and constructs a beautiful web a pure theorist with little regard for empirical evidence bacon claims that we philosophers should not be like the ant or the spider but like the honey bee that goes out and collects data mixes it in with his own inner substance and then spits it out to build a gorgeous honeycomb of knowledge we brought christmas flowers yesterday i like the basic arrangement but felt like i could have used some ribbons or bows around the base of the arrangement i ll tuck that idea away in my little head for future times flowers and hair i am no good at arranging either i suppose i am learning as i go i ve figured out to handle my hair i go to bed with it wet and let it arrange it s own self i m sad that i ve been forced to learn to arrange flowers for my son s grave that s one trick i never would have bothered learning on my own circling back around to frances bacon i found his quote here the men of experiment are like the ant they only collect and use the reasoners resemble spiders who make cobwebs out of their own substance but the bee takes the middle course it gathers its material from the flowers of the garden and field but transforms and digests it by a power of its own francis bacon posted by annie at 12 41 pm no comments labels grief older posts home subscribe to posts atom labels 2019 52 weeks 3 3o days of thanks 27 52 photos project 44 52 verbs 14 after the storm 5 cemeteries 19 collage 43 colon cancer 42 cruise 8 dear cancer 1 fun posts 13 gators 11 grief 85 introspection 17 iphone photos 76 mixed media 18 music 2 nablogwrimo 2 nablopomo 27 natchitoches 1 personal favorite 126 photo friday 3 photography 109 photoshop elements 15 poetry 13 project thoughtful thursday 17 project thoughtful thursday my writings 9 quilts and sewing 6 self portrait 3 storm 32 thanksgiving 2 them thangs i do 179 tyler s tree a year in the life 6 wordless wednesday 24 about me annie night is drawing nigh how long the road is but for all the time the journey has already taken how you have needed every second of it dag hammarskjold view my complete profile you can send me email annieoddflower at yahoo dot com follow along my bloggy friends desertsky quilting advent day 17 2 years ago walkbside 7 years ago bits and odd pieces re tiredment or the video in which i say uuummmhhh in a texas accent a lot 9 years ago black crow in a blue sky i am precisely where i need to be today 9 years ago temporary osmosis zeroed in 11 years ago wood chips stone statues la cachette h...