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Text of the page (random words):
was thinking that one of the little beings in me had started producing its own progesterone in addition my period is nowhere to be seen last time it started before the blood test while my boobs were never sore during the whole cycle i had to pee quite frequently and actually had to get up to pee at night i was really sure that 5 times of ivf was our lucky charm after all we were using donor eggs right that s supposed to work yesterday night i couldn t contain myself and took an expired pregnancy test that was the only one i had at home it was negative this morning when i had my blood test in the doctor s office i broke down and cried in front of the nurse that was drawing my blood she told me to have faith i told her how difficult it was to continue to have faith after 5 ivf cycles afterwards i frantically googled expired pregnancy tests and false negatives i tried to tell myself that it is all in god s hand i had to leave it up to him still i was thinking about getting a positive result the doctor s office was supposed to call me with the results at 11 00 am needless to say that i couldn t do any work this morning the two pregnant ladies in my office were not there first and then in and out i finally called the doctor s office while i was by myself in the office it took a while for me to talk to the right person finally she told me that she wanted me to call my doctor on her cell phone which i thought was because the doctor wanted to tell me the results personally at our last failed cycle i hadn t done the blood test there so i was kind of surprised i heard a sad tone in her voice but still had hope of course i called the doctor right away to hear it personally from the doctor my body once again has killed three potential children i feel like such a failure posted by yoka at 12 29 pm 6 comments monday april 11 2011 the un pregnant one i have been quite busy lately and therefore rather quiet but this is more due to not really having lots to share it seems like everyone around me is pregnant right now it first started with a neighbor 1 m she told us last summer that she was expecting baby 2 1 is 3 years old in the meantime 2 was born in january then my former neighbor 2 a whom i was very close to moved away and found out she is expecting 2 number one is 21 months old after our ivf 4 failed another friend told me she was expecting 1 which was born a couple days ago 5 weeks early she didn t want to tell me while we were in the process a couple of days later my other neighbor 3 m we all live in the same building told me she was expecting it made it particularly hard because she must have conceived around the time we were doing ivf so as her belly is growing i am always reminded of how long it has been since we had to bury our hopes once again are you still with me i am at 4 pregnant friends let s talk about the office i am working in there are usually 4 people working in that office one lady got pregnant last september with baby 2 and left the job early in december so they hired a new person for her spot another person that had one of the jobs also left in december so they had to hire a new person for that spot as well both of the new people they have hired are pregnant with their first one has now left to have the baby today the third person in the office told me she s pregnant also with her first you can probably guess that i am the fourth person the un pregnant one if you have counted with me we are now at 8 pregnant friends coworkers in the last three weeks two male co workers from a different office have shared the news that their wives are pregnant too all with their second baby both first babies aren t even 18 months old yet add to that another friend from europe telling me she s pregnant with her third after a miscarriage last year and we are at 11 pregnant ladies people last week i found out from a very close friend that she s pregnant with her first or her first two i am super happy for her as she s been wanting it for a long time and they had to do ivf to actually get pregnant why is it so much easier to be happier for people that have struggled harder i am surrounded by 12 pregnant women i am the un pregnant one my biggest concern as we move forward with this de cycle i am taking lupron and the whole vitamins already and will have to take heparine further down the line is where does that leave me for so many pregnant ladies doesn t there have to be one infertile one that can t get pregnant no matter what the person that is on the wrong side of statistics aren t i that person why is it so hard to trust that my body for once would be able to do what it is supposed to recently while talking with dh he said something about me possibly giving birth next year i told him that we shouldn t base our planning on it because we have tried to do it in the past and it never worked i was and am always the un pregnant one the one whose ivf cycles didn t work the first time or the second like so many of my friend s cycles not even the third or the fourth i stayed the un pregnant one de will be our last hope of having a biological child even though not genetically related i am willing to try it once do a fet with whatever we have left and then we are done then we just have to accept that it s not meant to be and once again i ll be the un pregnant one in a sea of swelling bellies if it works i would be thrilled maybe all i need are some eggs of a 28 year old and my body remembers what it was created for but i am so scared to even think in that possibility because i don t want to get my hopes up and while i absolutely know how blessed i am to have a wonderful child which i would have never had if we wouldn t have gone through all the struggles of infertility i sometimes wish that god could take away the pain the pain of never having genetically related children the pain of having to go through so many hurdles in building our family the fact that finances will determine the size and timing of our family but it s in his hand i have to trust him and let go of control it s just so hard posted by yoka at 11 52 am 1 comment thursday february 10 2011 happy adoption day two years ago today we became a forever family time to hug and kiss my little princess a little more she has been the best present we have ever received in our lives she has given me the chance to be a mother and i am forever grateful to her and her birthmother l is so sweet she is very loving and caring and loves to entertain everybody by singing she is such a big girl now already 2 5 years old this week she went to the daycare without diapers for the first time the first day she didn t have any accidents but she didn t go to the potty either the second day she peed on the floor twice we ll see how today goes she has started ballet classes this week she really seems to like it and comes out happily smiling at the last doctor s visit determined that my eggs are old and crappy quality so we are moving on to donor eggs next i have another appointment with the immunologist next month and then we are ready to go i have to take it slow today doctor google has landed me in the emergency room yesterday i wrote before here that my cycles are so short and i was trying to find a natural remedy to regulate them i purchased dong quai and took it for a couple of days it caused a bad amount of nose bleeding that didn t seem to want to stop any more so i had to go to the emergency room yesterday fortunately today it has only bled once so far learning experience for this episode don t use dr google to self medicate posted by yoka at 7 39 am 1 comment tuesday november 16 2010 bfn that was to expect after all the drama with this cycle at least it s a clear result it s strange but now i am nearly relieved it s over i don t think i would have wanted another miscarriage or another maybe pregnancy my body has killed another 3 embryos that makes 12 or 13 now depending how you count i feel sad but since i was prepared for this i am more or less o k time for some booze and hair dying and chocolate and carbs and all the other stuff i have been depriving myself off for the last couple of months did i tell you that my pregnant friend wanted to take me out for dinner tonight i am sorry but i don t think i can do this i am still sick and if i would go out i wanted sushi and booze posted by yoka at 12 41 pm 4 comments sunday november 14 2010 sick as a dog i am sick as a dog lilli has passed me her cold which has turned into sinusitis for me i went in for an other bloodtest yesterday i was supposed to go today but i wanted to see what was happening estradiol 171 85 up from last blood test progesterone 6 39 down from 12 something the end is near my lining is starting to shed i am sure it s over posted by yoka at 12 11 pm 1 comment thursday november 11 2010 i really didn t wan to be back at this place this morning i received yesterday s blood results for progesterone and estradiol they both completely feel from saturday now i am completely freaked out i really didn t want to visit this place again where i am obsessing about everything dr google hasn t been very helpful either i was trying to be all zen about this cycle knowing that we would be o k in the end now i feel like the end is here already while dh tells me to focus on this cycle i am already in my head thinking about the next what if we use donor eggs will that make a difference it is so hard to realize that my body might just not be made for having babies makes me feel like a complete failure again i really didn t want to be back in this place posted by yoka at 11 22 am 1 comment tuesday november 9 2010 1 more week i contacted the doctor yesterday she asked me how i was feeling i told her i didn t feel anything she said that this was normal and to not worry i am trying not to sometimes i think of a plan b what if this doesn t work with our history there is quite a likely chance it won t work implantation is not something that can be controlled should we try again with donor eggs save the money for another adoption courtesy to l i am also dealing with a cold runny nose and cough and all i definitely am at a better place than i was nearly 4 years ago when we tried for the first time i am not as obsessed with every twinge and every pain one more week and we will know and no matter what the result will be we will be o k we have a beautiful baby in our house right now posted by yoka at 8 03 am no comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom our history 4 2010 ivf 5 with donor eggs bfn 10 2010 ivf 4 3 vials menopur and bravelle daily bfn 06 2010 visited new re 01 2010 let s try for 2 02 10 2009 adoption is finalized 7 24 2008 our daughter lillian is born 07 2008 picked by birthmother 06 2008 agency lost contact back in the pool 04 2008 third birthmother picked us baby due in august 2008 04 2008 birthmother picked us adoption fell through decided to parent 03 2008 first presentation to birth parents picked someone else 02 2008 first meeting with social worker 01 2008 assigned to social worker 12 2007 started home study 12 2007 iui 2 cancelled fsh 26 6 11 2007 iui 1 negativ 10 2007 filled out adoption application 06 2007 ivf 3 low beta 9 miscarriage 2 05 2007 ivf 2 negativ 04 2007 pregnant conceived naturally wtf low beta miscarriage 1 03 2007 ivf 1 negativ 10 2006 laparascopy 2 endometriosis grad 2 3 04 2006 laparascopy 1 endometriosis grad 4 02 2006 first meeting with re 07 2005 started ttc 10 2004 married 08 2003 started dating 07 2003 met my lovely husband blog archive 2011 3 may 1 bad place april 1 february 1 2010 20 november 7 october 9 june 2 march 1 january 1 2009 51 december 2 november 2 october 3 september 1 august 2 july 4 june 5 may 9 april 3 march 10 february 9 january 1 2008 124 december 1 november 4 october 10 september 7 august 7 july 19 june 17 may 9 april 12 march 12 february 8 january 18 2007 41 december 15 november 15 october 11 neocounter lost and found and connections abound click here to submit my news to the lfca adoption blogs i read a heart for adoption a mom of adopted twins adopting three bees alabaster mom almost there andersons happenings clio dreams really do come true funny finn grace comes by hearing heart cries henry street here s to hope hopefully hoping jausshaus josiah s journey journey far journey near life is an adventure love hope and faith meant to be miraculously my own not like i thought it would be on the down low one good egg our jouney our family our journey to adoption production not reproduction such is life the elusive stork the making of a mom they grow in your heart weebles wobblog wellcome to the dollhouse william glenna and isaiah left infertile island a little sweetness budintash in and out of luck maucktalk my wait is over not according to plan not ashamed infertility sassy mama serenity now so these are the days of my life stirrup queens and sperm palace jesters taking the statistical bullet the opendoor when does daddy come home when sarah laughed sisters on the road to motherhood a decade of bfns a real life annacyclopedia cats with passports i believe in miracles journeywoman meant to be miracously my own not knocked up with sprog one hardy swimmer portraits in sepia sew infertile speculumstories the infertility diaries the last best hope we are what we repeatedly pr blogs i read stirrup queens and sperm palace jesters why we do the things we do 8 hours ago weebles wobblog and we don t fall down halloween 1 the ghost kingdom of an adoption playwright 3 weeks ago alabaster mom reflections on my mom the dressmaker who tried her best 7 months ago our family beginnings toddlers refuse to eat here are the reasons 4 years ago grace comes by hearing 2019 is getting away from me 7 years ago taking the statistical bullet fear and hope 8 years ago heart cries ff chili cornbread 8 years ago when does daddy come home we have babies 9 years ago josiah s journey specks planks and conviction 10 years ago sew infertile 7 quick takes the crms battle 11 years ago journeywoman moving on up 11 years ago life is an adventure catching up january march 2014 in phone pics 12 years ago sassy mama ashinger alm 12 years ago henry street happy 12 years ago production not reproduction well hello there 13 years ago welcome to the dollhouse care com doesn t care at all 13 years ago a real life something that has never happened before 13 years ago we are what we repeatedly do 13 years ago anderson happenings happy 3rd birthday owen pete 13 years ago a little sweetness today s stealth mission 13 years ago miraculously my own i love christmas cards 13 years ago love hope and faith coming up for air 13 years ago a chronicle of our journey to parenthood mommy my moon 14 years ago one hardy swimmer cash for urgent needs 14 years ago cats with passports happy mother s day 14 years ago my wait is over cibele hopeful 14 years ago the last best hope where to begin 14 years ago one good egg never thought i d be writing this ...