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Text of the page (random words):
the bullet and we re forever grateful this is a story about parenting our three miracles after unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss our happy ending need support for pregnancy and infant loss click here or here our story so far my husband and i endured nine miscarriages as we tried to build our family becoming part of the 2 of couples who experience recurrent miscarriages all of our friends had babies so i used to joke it s because i am taking the statistical bullet for you it stopped being funny but it made a great blog title through the miracle of ivf pgd we were blessed to finally bring our son william patrick into our lives on august 20 2008 we were then given a second miracle and welcomed our daughter emma grace on july 17 2010 and just when we thought we were done we got even luckier and andrew robert joined us on october 11 2012 what people like show tunes belly button lint if at first or second or third or fourth you don t succeed fear and hope you smell pregnant this week s memorial monday click to lend support bullet points adoption 1 easy dinner 1 infertility 1 miscarriage 5 other memorials 1 prom 1 recurrent pregnancy loss 5 sandwiches 1 stillbirth 4 we re celebrating when you start looking into the world of infertility there are a lot of sad stories but if you search just a little harder you can find the happy stories too here are just some of the miracles happening to if girls just like us right now manapan is pregnant after three miscarriages betas and ultrasounds looking good it is what it is has all of their paperwork completed and is waiting to adopt 2 rachel is pregnant with bargain baby oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh amy is in the third trimester a is in the second trimester with 2 she thought it was a boy but she was wrong sisters mommyshoes is going to need another pair of shoes for 2 stacey is a finally a mommy after recurrent pregnancy loss lily is here red is a mommy again beatrice has arrived tiffany and nolan are battling the four month sleep regression kathy bob sean and abigail have molly in their hearts joy is a mommy to three daughters and ttc 4 missy is a mommy to kaylee mnrn is a mommy to kate al ison and b are doing great and she is pregnant again samantha had a valentine s baby polka dot and her husband are adopting waiting in line has the twins and is in the second trimester with a third boy ms j is a mommy to little pumpkin and peanut in search of morning sickness is a mommy to elyana and ttc 2 yoka is a mommy to lillian and ttc 2 jj is a mommy to oliver jen is a mommy to elizabeth rose t racy is a mommy to evan and rowan jen jillian and hayden are doing great ge ohde has the takeaways saag and naan and is ttc again adriene is a mommy to gabriella and grace k is enjoying motherhood with harry and josephine farah is mastering motherhood with mt and 2 0 r r is loving life with lemy and jasper kristen and nate are doing great and she is pregnant again chris is a mommy to andrew baby steps to baby shoes is a mommy to zachary mrs piggy is blessed with twins emerson and owen debby is a mommy to two handsome boys grayson and sawyer katie united states view my complete profile finally our dream come true sweet baby will born august 20 2008 8 lbs 6 oz 20 inches long the life and times of me the life and times of me follow me on twitter daddy his little man will s fan club molly marie benson born at 12 57 pm on april 17 2008 went to heaven at 1 15 pm april 17 2008 please remember william henry help a friend in need my good friend polka dot has many great ideas to help fund her upcoming ivf cycle one of them is by asking kindhearted strangers to part with a few dollars click here to donate i cross pollinated bee a sport and do it next year also taking the bullet un complicate me a brief history of you a few good eggs blurb this certainly not cool enough to blog diagnosis unexplained disenchanted with reality elephant in the room empty womb syndrome feeling empty fertilize me i ll take an evap in search of morning sickness infertility just sucks jen and jeramy journey to babeland journey to parenthood life as a sandwich life from here life in the cat pad living with the cards i was dealt love will tear us apart love hope and faith luck doesn t happen twice mission impossible our box of rain pee sticks stones reproductive jeans road blocks and rollercoasters road to adopt searching for hope secret garden sometimes it s the destination southerninfertility stickybean the wonder twins three of a kind working on a full house waiting for waiting in line we are what we repeatedly do what to expect when you are not expecting where the road takes me places i go to dodge the bullet lost and found poas com two week wait silent grief the best miscarriage site ever bullets i ve taken 2018 10 july 4 about that fear and hope finally still waiting june 5 april 1 2016 1 november 1 2015 1 june 1 2014 2 february 1 january 1 2013 8 september 1 july 1 june 1 may 1 april 1 march 1 february 1 january 1 2012 50 december 3 november 4 october 16 september 10 august 4 july 2 may 1 april 1 march 7 january 2 2011 79 december 1 november 1 october 8 september 5 august 9 july 12 june 8 may 7 april 6 march 6 february 7 january 9 2010 275 december 16 november 17 october 16 september 23 august 24 july 25 june 28 may 18 april 24 march 28 february 28 january 28 2009 171 december 25 november 21 october 17 september 19 august 9 july 7 june 9 may 19 april 7 march 8 february 12 january 18 2008 252 december 13 november 13 october 19 september 22 august 20 july 18 june 22 may 25 april 19 march 27 february 21 january 33 2007 113 december 31 november 15 october 29 september 29 august 9 view my stats total pageviews tuesday july 17 2018 about that i am slightly ashamed to say that i didn t start ect today i say only slightly because i should have updated here sooner not that i postponed the procedures i started a new job on friday and as they scheduled things for me rightfully so the anxiety in my stomach grew and grew i was scheduled things for monday most i could reschedule one the most important of course i could not so i left my work meeting on friday my stomach teeming with nerves even though the immediate cause for a nervous stomach and mind had passed my recent meeting the jitters in my insides hadn t gone away i couldn t calm down m picked me up from my meeting i cannot drive remember and we settled into a discussion of how my initial meet and greet had gone down as i talked with him i realized the stupidity of trying to start a new job with all the learnings and new information and also do a procedure famous for memory loss it just made no sense so i decided to cancel the ect for this week they couldn t have been more understanding and simply scheduled me for three more appointments on the back end of my current schedule i should have felt immense relief after taking that off my plate instead i am experiencing anxiety like never before i don t know why i am so anxious except that starting a new job is always stressful and adding this in to another parttime job and ect constantly hovering on the horizon i suppose i can understand why i feel a little out of sorts i got several kind messages via facebook from those of you who were expecting that i d had the ect done as planned thank you for that i will need those words of comfort when i actually do ect the next question is when will i actually do ect the thing is that the first few weeks on any new job isn t exactly the time to be compromised in any regard i have no idea how i will respond to ect i could be just fine but even so i will be unable to work for several hours three times in one week so i don t know what to do i still feel depressed i still spent most of my weekend either in bed or on the couch i still believe that ect is a viable option for me but i might need to wait until i have established myself in this job a bit more before i make that leap more waiting posted by katie at 11 14 am 1 comment wednesday july 11 2018 fear and hope i begin ect on monday that s just a few short days away as the time draws nearer i spend a lot of time thinking do i really need to do this it seems extreme it is extreme my whole life will be turned upside down for a month while i do these treatments they are three times a week smack in the middle of each day that they are scheduled it takes almost an hour to drive to the facility where the procedure will take place i am not sure how long each session lasts though from my reading it sounds like it will be quick i don t dread or fear the seizures it is weird to know that i will be having a planned seizure when my whole life is spent avoiding seizures i do know what it s like to recover from a seizure one of the things i hate the most about a seizure is biting my tongue or cheek i often wake up with blood all over my face and clothes because tongues bleed a lot when they are bitten from what i am able to gather they use a mouth guard so i shouldn t bite my tongue during these seizures the only literal pain is recovering from the other than that time gets fuzzy around a seizure i often forget chunks of time immediately before and after one i am guessing this might be similar what do i fear most about ect something going wrong with the anesthesia is my number one fear i have no reason to fear anesthesia in particular but going under twelve times in a month increases my chances that something could go wrong so i worry about that i worry that my memory will be obliterated i already struggle so much with my memory and to think of it being further compromised is scary i worry it won t work i worry that i will wake up and feel exactly the same only adding in memory issues to boot to add to my fears and concerns i start a new job next week the timing honestly couldn t be worse i am just hoping that i will feel good enough to work after each session and that i won t be too compromised i basically feel like a big ball of anxiety thinking about all that could go wrong of course i also am clinging to the hope that everything will go well that i will spring up from my very first ect with a renewed sense of well being and purpose it isn t unheard of for patients to improve from just one session i sincerely hope that i am one of those people 90 i just have to keep focusing on that 90 i deserve to be happy and healthy again and i choose to believe that this will be the key to that 90 posted by katie at 12 22 pm 2 comments tuesday july 10 2018 finally i finally got the phone call with the schedule for my ect treatments and of course now that i have the dates on the calendar i am losing my nerve thoughts keeping rioting through my head am i really going to shock my brain is my depression really that bad maybe it s a bit better and i should wait but i really don t think my depression is better not really i know what normal me feels like and i am not normal then i worry that maybe there is no normal me anymore maybe that energetic person is gone forever and i will be a sloth for all of eternity 90 effective that is what i have to focus on my psychiatrist says it is actually closer to 95 in all of the clinical studies so i d have to be really unlucky to be part of that small percentage for whom it doesn t work but i ve been part of a small percentage before and it wasn t all that much fun see i told my doctor s nurse i wasn t brave i am really just scared scared of the procedure scared that it won t work scared that i will always feel like this but my fear of staying like this forever and being this depressed person is my greatest fear of all it is a fear great enough to propel me forward and do this i can do this posted by katie at 12 50 pm 1 comment tuesday july 3 2018 still waiting i am not a very patient person and i am especially impatient when i don t know why i am waiting right now i have done my part and completed everything i was supposed to in order to get ect underway and i wait i have called the office a few times and the last thing i want to do is annoy them and each time i am told that everything has been done and that i will hear from the scheduling department in a day or two and i wait i had an appointment with my usual psychiatrist today i asked if he could do anything to speed things along and he said not really but that he would do his best we did increase my antidepressant i just started it and am still not at the max dose that he goes to and he refilled my antianxiety rescue meds more pills i am just so tired of taking pills that don t seem to help but this could be the magic combination we are looking for so i have to keep trying and taking and waiting posted by katie at 4 46 pm no comments thursday june 21 2018 well i got a pleasant surprise yesterday dr h s neurologist nurse called to give me the titration schedule for my medications i guess talking with dr a neuropsychiatrist cleared things up for him enough to support me going forward with etc so the next step is to schedule the procedure i should get that phone call today eeek i am excited and also a little nervous it s getting real now meanwhile i called my parents who are going to be staying with us while i get the first rounds of etc my dad will drive me to the procedure while my mom will stay home with the kids then they are here to help out if i don t feel too great afterward sometimes people have headaches body muscle aches and pains and or feel lethargic from the anesthesia they let me know that it won t work for them to come up until after the week of the 4th of july that s another almost three weeks from now when every day seems like an impossible struggle right now that sound like eternity i know i can t expect my parents to drop everything for me but i had hoped they would realize how important this is but for all i know they are booked out several weeks anyway so now i wait for the phone call posted by katie at 9 44 am 2 comments tuesday june 19 2018 no news from either doctor i am in a frustrating holding pattern a commenter mentioned two alternative treatments tms and ketamine injections neither of those are viable options for me tms is contraindicated in patients with epilepsy and my insurance won t pay for it plus dr a won t do it end of story my insurance also won t pay for ketamine injections as it is an off label use of the medication a series of ketamine injections not including the upkeep injections which are recommended monthly is about 6000 in the seattle area we simply don t have the money for this i already had an expensive week long hospital stay this year in march i don t have a lot to say right now my brain feels foggy and stuffed i am having a rough day today where i feel anxious and overwhelmed as usual my feelings are off kilter to my reality i have no reason to feel this way but try telling that to my brain i spent three hours of my day in bed during most of that time i argued with myself trying to get myself out of bed i finally managed to do so a...