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als in colosseum of law no one eats until docket is cleared 5 money changers lenders hire private armies everybody else hires bodyguards disputes settled by proxy fights or at gaming tables 6 masked crime fighter w incredible fighting skills selection of magic items patrols rooftops frequently silhouetted against moon empowered to enforce quirky personal interpretation of law 7 children on patrol according to city constitution only those who haven t yet reached their majority may adjudicate disputes operate outside of law 8 hired monsters from nearby dungeon environment patrol streets ensure close to 100 compliance with curfew otherwise its a free for all city council has appointed special commission to look at alternatives 9 seer detectives levitate in lotus position monitor events w clairvoyance dispatch troops as needed from central dome of contemplation the one with the giant rotating eyeball on top 10 highly trained justice hounds sniff out wrong doing unerringly bay at criminals in their lairs like treed raccoons handler goons do the rest 11 ancient sage hobbles around adjudicating disputes hammurabi like citizens heed unquestioningly all wisdom dispensed even when completely bizarre 12 tribunal of idiots cultural quirk passed down from time immemorial that everyone just accepts tries cases by instinct alone non evidential hearings involve much staring into eyes to know intent idiotic utterances interpreted by highly influential class of fool augurs posted by jasons at 12 41 pm 4 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest tuesday july 18 2017 bumpkins of evil no one remembers why they made a town here d12 1 bachelor farmer wears an evil sword solitary for too long in isolated vale speaks aloud to not quite visible swarms of evil spirits 24 7 they seem to answer or maybe that s just the wind likes to cook pies poison wells abduct the odd lone traveler for a long scary conversation 2 travelling salesman acts as advance virgin scout for small town vampire w particular tastes hand cart loaded with grain sacks hard tack dried exotic fruits pemmican hand tools goblin cocaine 3 swamp dwelling weirdo gone half gollum but with scads of friends all amphibians incredibly stealthy hunts humans for sport informs quarry of impending demise via beautifully written letter delivered by wide mouth frog 4 hunter gatherers of evil go about their routines take time out to don terrifying devil masks for random acts of vandalism murder enhanced by nightly consumption of psychedelic liquor 5 country doctor must murder two innocents for every life saved on his portable operating table 6 escaped criminal from the big city feigns rusticity lives alone in off grid tiny house receives shipments of imported wines cheese from salesman 2 above suspects all of being assassins favors preemptive strike 7 expert angler towering legend in river town lands record lunkers like nothin can t buy a drink seduces spouses of fellow anglers w swagger impressive mustachio secret bait live fairies 8 rustic in furs w 90 incomprehensible dialect of common tongue seems friendly enough until you figure out that he s talking about his contract with the devil can get you insider deal 9 self created zealot in filthy toga proselytizes relentlessly for religion she made up herself involves much blood sacrifice lewdness bacchanalia scheduled for this saturday if no one shows up this time there will be hell to pay 10 ex local hero former warrior gone to lard never leaves tavern despises foreigners with immeasurable passion makes up rumors to incite whatever dim witted crowds might be interested in hate crime 11 fur trapper had to strike terrible bargain w forest cannibals for operational permissions surrounding forest now loaded with man traps of dungeon style lethality 12 pedestrian crazed he s walked this earth for untold years maybe immortal never sits down barely slows down to bestow his curse see subtable then strides on curse of the crazed pedestrian d6 1 everything tastes like iron rations 2 release repulsive stench upon romantic arousal 3 develop bunions that resemble campaign world celebrities 4 followed by hideous bald ravens who squawk a lot 5 new allergy to gold enter anaphylactic shock if gold w in 5 feet 6 sudden inescapable urge to drop everything begin from scratch new class profession regardless of suitability posted by jasons at 1 44 pm 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest wednesday july 12 2017 superheroes and or villains of the underworld the mighty truthcleaver founding member of the beetle society of justice deceased to whom do the peoples of the underworld turn when mere strength at arms cannot avail them and the godlings are willfully deaf to their pleas d12 1 the beetle society of justice ghosts of strongest fastest wisest most powerful heroes of extinct civilization manifest on occasion to right egregious wrongs as determined by their incomprehensible reckoning 2 dr fang noted subterranean travelling surgeon in times of weirdness adopts alter ego as masked hero unknown vampire vampire powers enhanced by proprietary blood additive must chug from flask before going into action cones of stupefacto vision from eyes exacts terrible price for services rendered 3 blackstreak the world s fastest pudding 4 the subterranean humanoid fighting tag team of stronghand and musclefist twin survivors of sorcerous experiment intended to produce living forklifts killed all other subjects bestowed upon twins giant mighty hands developed new hand centric martial art under tutelage of mystic fungoid guru 5 planeshift the trans cosmic humanoid floats above ground nude but for cape luminous translucent green body calls in monstrous assistance from other planes using enchanted folio of fiends 6 the ultimate humanoid born w advanced mind accumulated vast wealth as child via brilliant pyramid scheme to finance secret sanctum laboratory armored costume multipurpose ray guns novel super inventions with every appearance 7 mimic lord appears wherever needed in guise of mundane object takes on vague human like form to punch bad guys personality issues alter ego shipping crate sometimes barrel 8 eye of vengeance floating ocular orb w blasting eye stalks bound by psychic link to tiny feral humanoid girl w deep seated anger issues 9 chaosface ex gladiator w prehensile chin tentacles killed in action but can t seem to stay dead maybe when he gets his karma straight he can finally rest 10 stone patrol team of humanoid warriors petrified by gorgon then subject to experimental spell of reversal still made of stone but move freely incredibly strong hard to damage 11 scavenger king by quirk of birth subterranean humanoid possesses psionic ability to call and command underworld vermin like aquaman but gross 12 wyrm lass teenage subterranean humanoid in appearance actually ancient red dragon following polymorph gone weird retains full powers and abilities of dragon alter ego as scullery maid for underworld aristocrat posted by jasons at 10 29 am 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest saturday july 8 2017 earning a living in the megadungeon do you have anything for a thief a reaver a slayer many exciting opportunities available now elves and dwarfs need not apply d12 1 taskmaster position open for dungeon excavation crew must work well with humanoids sadistic streak preferred ruthlessness required 2 professional sycophant desired for lich s entourage talent for fawning praise required ability to offer light innocuous critiques that simultaneously buoy the ego many perks including luxurious quarters use abuse of servants personal zombie borne palanquin 3 short term position for egg tender needed by travelling dragon duties include insuring monitoring health and safety dissuading predators thieves by any means necessary candidates must submit to extreme vetting detect alignment 4 on the job training available for torturer s apprentice see chief interrogator subterranean bureau of investigation government level some knowledge of the limits of humanoid endurance psychological frailties required 5 long term positions for treasure guardians pays out handsomely after 100 year stint potions of longevity provided must demonstrate martial talents ability to withstand long periods of tedium trial by combat to decide final assignments assorted stimulants room and board provided 6 live in chef au pair wanted by well to do cannibal gourmets looking for inventive use of ingredients must be flexible outside the box thinker unhampered by taboos squeamishness 7 expert trap disablers needed on the crypt level pays in cash daily must survive practicum excellent climbing skills a plus commision on treasures harvested 8 sessile vampire of means hiring radical phlebotomists for procurement of necessities candidates should bring sample specimen to interview for evaluation must submit to charm 9 up and coming cult seeks charismatic representatives for promotional drive fluency in multiple languages real or feigned zeal required pays percentage of offerings gathered 10 artisans laborers needed by sub overlord for completion of self aggrandizing statuary installation apply on the monuments level you ll work harder than you ever imagined possible on three hot meals of dungeon gruel four hours liberty per day 11 ooze abatement specialist needed on the river level top of the line protective gear including jellyfish leather work togs self cleaning goggles experimental breathing apparatus provided 12 work from home see underworld accommodations assemble arrows bolts other projectiles in spare time for subterranean humanoid arms manufacturer pays by the gross be your own boss posted by jasons at 8 58 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest wednesday july 5 2017 how to spot an elf in mixed company is she or isn t she roll several times start profiling d12 1 ears aren t always pointy but tend toward the unusual 2 friendships and social circles lack diversity also tight pants 3 they smell like candy 4 statements in conversation often twice as long as they need to be loaded with crafty yet totally unnecessary poetic flourishes 5 you get the feeling they keep forgetting your name on purpose 6 sometimes they re really good at archery but they re always really good at something 7 always orders off menu never picks up the tab noticeably tipsy after first round but never gets drunker 8 a certain indefinable snootiness about their manner plus really bad avant garde hairstyles 9 frequently laughing big and boisterous but never tell or seem to get jokes 10 a weird combination of physical beauty and total unsexiness 11 never freak out no matter how much you provoke them 12 they see right through your bullshit posted by jasons at 7 17 pm 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest tuesday july 4 2017 the gods must be jerks the party cleric receives fresh instructions from church high command delivered via dream vision automatic writing temple courier church circular etc d12 1 new dietary restriction forbids the consumption of iron rations hard tack or any preserved comestible 2 clergy forbidden to touch filthy money theologians busy crafting work arounds until they meet w success time to hire porters 3 afterlife cancelled souls of the faithful to be kept in cosmic cold storage unit until required for next universe 4 after due consideration human face deemed vulgar cleric must hand craft a mask for complete permanent concealment of features modeled after grotesque visage of deity 5 corruption of clergy by wizard magic including enchanted items now forbidden same goes for priestly magic cast by other faiths only church sanctioned proprietary protection from evil etc may be enjoyed 6 new interpretation of god s plan indicates totally reasonable phasing out of humanity sexual mores further restricted iron underpants issued reproduction forbidden 7 god no longer interested in this dimension will be away for extended period divine apprentice to act as interim deity stand by for barrage of executive orders roll 2 more times 8 scriptures edited amended again mostly trivial but orders issued to return to temple for re education before end of fiscal year 9 new sensory organ distributed to clergy via automatic update radar dish grows from pineal gland vision declared deceptive wicked eyes offend you know what to do 10 after colossal church wide technical screw up all clergy must go on all fours to demonstrate proper contrition for period of seven days starting now 11 good news for once distinction between bludgeoning vs stabbing always questionable go ahead and spill blood after all previous commandment rescinded mace exchange program at all regional temples 12 more good news church high command announces successful prototype of hand held holy symbol launchers for long range undead disruption volunteers needed for field testing posted by jasons at 1 28 pm 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday july 3 2017 latest scientific breakthrough of the subterranean humanoids for the most part i try to ignore their prayers but on occasion if it gives me some amusement i grant them the opposite xoltec spider god of mt impossible d12 1 new dietary supplement cultivates massive deposits of body fat superhuman intelligence 2 effects of all known potions can now be delivered via enchanted daggers e g dagger of healing which cures wounds should target survive a successful hit 3 turns out clothing is number one factor in aging process future bright for extremely long totally nude lifespans 4 cheap tin whistles key to controlling oozes puddings slimes and jellies certain pieces of sheet music now worth vast sums 5 witches ashes when mixed into unguent w radioactive powder harvested from crushed seeds of common undervegetable imparts psychic powers when applied topically to exposed brain tissue brain surgery techniques lag hopelessly behind the promise of this finding 6 rare apple shaped fungal caps delicious only mildly intoxicating incredibly addictive the upper crust of subterranean society already lost to daily consumption 7 giant subterranean worms previously considered mindless will perform complex mathematical computations reflexively when presented w interesting problem scrawl out equations on floors w hideous mouth parts return immediately to compulsive tunneling 8 novel combination of acupuncture techniques produce 100 effective mind control research subjects both cheerful obedient report total satisfaction w lives of total subservience 9 giant spider dung when harvested from specimens conditioned to steady diet of fire bomb beetles an easily detonated high explosive of stupendous efficacy 10 for some as yet unknown reason exposure to sunlight imparts sanity upon the mad lunacy upon the lucid yet another reason...