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how it wasn t working there was not one negative thing to say about my power exchange dynamics with paladin it was a fascinating discussion and it felt great to speak up about our d s relationship and how well it was working and i realized also that when i was a submissive it was still consensual control and those years helped because then it was up to me what i agreed to do and that that had helped me also recreate some situations but from my agreement not from the control attacks and rapes i had survived while in the military where i had to submit to stay alive and keep my position in the navy but now having evolved into a domme i am not so concerned with controlling everything i have been able to let go of a lot and that feels really great i feel i am making some progress i still have anxiety attack nightmares and lots of hypervigilance when paladin isn t around but the episodes have subsided substantially at home out in the world when he isn t around that s a different story but progress is progress and i ll take it i wonder how many of my friends here have found that having a structured power exchange based relationships have helped them with their control issues too posted by mystress at 11 59 am 1 comment friday july 17 2015 summer updates greetings reader and friends goodness i had no idea it had been so long since i last posted first off things with paladin and i couldn t be better we have had a very busy time we got the property we wanted in december when paladin s family was visiting 8 36 acres where we will build our family compound next year we have had a variety of visitors already this year and currently we have friends from germany visiting for 3 weeks it does make it harder to do our regular interaction i miss putting on paladin s collar each evening but he still manages to whisper a request to use the restroom when he can we are still involved with our local d s community but again having company has put a bit of a squash on going out with them this month we have been greatly enjoying the parties at the local fet life groups place every month it seems we still find more and more things we have in common a couple of months ago i started playing guild wars again with pet we have had many enjoyable times playing side by side well this is short since company is expected back soon best to all mystress and paladin posted by mystress at 11 01 am no comments tuesday november 18 2014 the wonders of this life with paladin greetings friends and readers i am back from my long trip to europe actually i ve been back a while now since mid sept things have been busy since i got back and every time i was going to come to write it didn t seem the right time but it s been long enough for sure life with paladin continues to be remarkable i am still having problems related to my ptsd and pet is ever kind compassionate and supportive in all ways we have build up quite the family of choice here in tx and they too are amazing the years since i collared pet have passed up to 7 now the last anniversary passing while i was in europe but we have been making up time i loved the travelling but i missed him a lot i missed our rituals and our daily banter he had communicated to me while i was travelling his desire to share some plans he had been making while i was gone when i returned it was that he wanted us to begin to move on our plan for purchasing land and starting on our 5 year plan to build a family compound so we looked more intensely at land and found a great 8 35 acre lot on a street we love we have put an offer on we are now waiting for the appraisal to be done and we hope to close before christmas our plan is to build a smaller home first move into it then sell this place and have a bigger home built pet wants a place for his parents to be able to retire to and i wholeheartedly agree with him as i have no family left and they will be my in laws in the next year i am glad to do all i can to help pets parents and brothers this will also be a house of swan family compound if pet s parents are around when we have a house party we ll be telling them we have friends who like to skinny dip in the pool and hope that keeps them at a distance we have no idea how they will take the news of pet s plan i expect they will be happy about it they will also get the formal announcement of our engagement although pet has already been hinting to his dad about it one of my greatest joys will be being able to contribute to the land and that as a 100 disabled veteran here in texas we won t have to pay property taxes and that s a pretty big deal annnd if something happens to me pet will be able to get that and other benefits as long as he doesn t remarry i would certainly want him to find someone else to be happy with if i am gone and it would be his decision of course how far to take it it is interesting how our relationship has evolved over the years and yet still retains the original framework i still delight every time he asks to use the restroom or ways that i like to play with him that make him squirm i love it because i can do it and he has to let me he loves it i think because i am fulfilling his need to have someone top him he still snorts like a stallion sometimes i got to see the lippizan stallions while i was in austria and got a statue of a rearing one for pet he told me he already had a horse statue but i told him this was an updated one that a lippizan is one of the most amazing breeds just like him smiles so now he has two stallion statues on his nightstand in june we added 3 new members to our little family a long held deep desire of pet s to have his own pet well pets as one is not normally enough for social needs so we now have 3 ferret kits and they are adorable even more so is when paladin goes up to play and feed them he is normally very quiet and dignified but now he goes up and is crawling around on the floor playing with his babies he loves them they love him i love all of them i love to joke about pet s pets they have added a new layer to our family indeed and now pet acts like his ferrets sometimes he giggles like them and had some of their cute little wiggles i was glad to get them before my trip i was gone for 10 weeks and i was thrilled he had them to keep him company we still have pixie and leo of course but they are both pretty quiet too and have their pet door all they need is pixie getting her meat at night and their dry food bowls kept filled the little ferrets need lots more then that he has gotten them off of kibble and onto meat he makes them a soup of guts and thigh meat and then adds bits of chicken neck for them to chew on he has to feed them morning and night but he is very adorable taking care of them i look forward to his family seeing him as he is now with them i have some activist activities which my va docs and pet are very supportive of i also am still writing on my mst blog i am getting more involved here in texas in getting medical cannabis passed i have been called upon as a veteran to help bring about change i have a feeling that s why we ended up here as well so i could be a part of using the horrible things that happened to me in the past to bring about positive change here now this means i have to go to austin and next month will be my first trip there for norml activist training the head veteran liaison has in particular asked me to come and testify before the texas legislators and i have agreed so that s where things are now we still participate in local kink activities i am still dealing with my ptsd some days are better then others i am careful where i go and what i do i work not to overdue which is very easy for me and i keep a protective barrier around pet and i i am sure to always turn to him with a smile and love even when i am torturing him which comes in all sorts of styles he looks forward to us having an 8 acre compound where to have all sorts of kinky fun with our kinky friends and family of choice we hope all our fellow bloggers out there are happy and well blessings to all mystress posted by mystress at 11 23 am 1 comment friday july 11 2014 it s official dear friends and readers this started on the morning of june 4th pet is very good at asking me out of the blue what i am thinking he asks because he genuinely wants to know and he can tell if i am fudging it is one of our sacred rules open and honest communications so when we were heading out to breakfast and i was thinking of numerous things but one thought had just crossed my mind and i was mulling it over when he asked i had been thinking of our talks about buying land together in the future we had spoken of marriage since moving to texas and since my divorce from my past knight so at the moment paladin asked me what i was thinking i was thinking that a long engagement would be nice i have some things i need to get in order before i am really ready myself for actual marriage but over time finding a non kinky term to refer to my relationship with paladin has been a challenge we are not roommates we have never been boy friend girl friend we are partners and significant others in the eyes of the vanillas but neither of those terms really fit the depth of our relationship because of the d s aspects yaknow what i mean owner and slave is so much more then those other lables but i had found myself using the term fiance as the closest legal relationship term in fact when i went to check out the ferrets at a local store i had used the term fiance to refer to my expedition on his behalf and we d had a conversation where he said that was a fine term to use but we had also had discussions in the past where he had said he never wanted to get married he had never seen himself as married anyways so this special morning he asks and i say i was thinking about a long engagement he makes a noise but doesn t reply in a few moments we are at the restaurant and seated coffee comes and i order my fave breakfast eggs benedict it arrives and i am thinking about our short conversation in the car not one to let something go when we have started our communicating i mention that he didn t say anything after my response he says i already thought we were i look at him and reply hmm well you ve never actually asked me pet without missing a beat he says then will you marry me i belive i actually clapped my hands and bounced up and down while saying yes yes yes so today we officially announce most happily our engagement on the advance of our seven year anniversary whoohooo feeling blessed indeed mystress posted by mystress at 11 50 am 3 comments sunday march 30 2014 of travelling and time greetings friends and readers it s been a hectic 3 months i was granted my 100 for unemployability from the va for ptsd due to military sexual trauma i have 70 disability for it but am considered essentially too crazy to work yup afraid that is true the insomnia and especially the rage at the military that fights to hang onto it s good ol boy way of doing things while young men and women are still being raped and victim shamed errr right as you can see that train quickly leaves the station and i m less likely to use a decent filter then not right after 35 years of burying it and not dealing with it to survive it seems to erupt like a volcano sometimes i still go to group every other week i am working on dealing with the overwhelming emotionality that sweeps over me sometimes pet has been as always fantastically amazing march 15 was two years now since we moved from ca to tx and went 24 7 i thought about that this eve as i was out watering the herb garden and his voice came through the screen window mystress may i use the restroom smile yes pet if our neighbor had been outside she would have easily heard it don t think pet even thought of that as he called out to me though well it is what is isn t it life during these two years have been the most peaceful and happiest of my life we are the head of a kind house and we have developed a wonderful family of choice here i am so very very blessed every day and i am eternally grateful we have been asked to host a collaring and wedding in june here and we are quite honored by that getting the 100 also has given me the money to travel and pet has been totally supportive so in mid jan i flew to france to see a long lost and recently found beloved childhood friend who lives 90 minutes south of paris it was wonderful to visit him see his country home doggie and horse and catch up on 45 years then the weekend before i left he took me up to paris and had to get back to his sick doggie and left me at the hotel my other dear frien from austria had gotten in paris to spend the weekend with me there before i flew back oh what an adventure she is a dear dear friend as well the hotel was near the airport so we took the train to paris still can t belive i got to do it and then took a wonderful bus tour around and i got to light a candle at notre dame for a dear veteran friend who passed while i was there i liked paris much more then i thought i would and i look forward to going back i have missed both of these friends very much i only knew for about a week before i left that i was going to france i was invited by my childhood friend and as i had my passport in preparation for this summers trip to europe well paladin said i should go my therapist said i should go so i did then i was back for valentines day with pet and the family and the next day i was off to la to stay with my best friend from elementary school before heading to northern ca to see my beloved step son and hitch a ride with my ex mistress back here to tx we got back on a wed night and pet had to leave for ca on fri at 4am and then he was gone for 10 days so now i am home until july when i go to europe for 10 weeks i have friends to stay with a volunteer job in spain for a week then to see my friend in austria at her home for the first time since she moved back from china and she is german and odd aspect was that i can t begin to say what it felt like to go travelling so spontaneously i have never had the finances to be able to do such a thing but with the year and half of back pay i finally could i also got a new car a 2013 huyndai elantra which is the first new car i ve had since a dodge colt my second year in the service it replaced my 98 corolla which i was able to give to a dear sister friend whose previous car got squished by hurricain ike and i got a new 27 touchscreen computer which upgrades from my 8 year old computer i ve had a growing list of things that needed replacing and this year turned out to be the one and my 12 year old camera also got upgraded the new one has this awesome wifi thing on it that when i have an app on my phone synced with it it will automatically send those pics from the fancyass camera to my phone sooo awesome i feel like i ve been living in the 90 s and am just emerging in to the 2000 s all along the way paladin was so useful in helpi...