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f chasing spiritual experts are behind me my tendency to spiritual backpacking leads me to look with jaundiced eyes on the teachings of gurus i grew up catholic studied with a lakota sioux teacher and spent many years with quakers these days i find that what works best for me is to get my head to quiet down and find my way to a quiet space inside myself it is there that i find what i experience as the great mystery that for me is one of the real magical part of our bdsm practice it can when we hit it just right take me into that place so i am a masochist and claim the part of submissive bottom partner partner is important to this whole narrative tom and i do this thing together i have come over all these years to see it as an intricate sort of dance we don t do exactly the same dance but we do dance together he is doing a good bit of writing about his view of all of this from my perspective he is the dominant force he is the one who inflicts pain in session i sometimes picture him as the count from sesame street because i can often hear him back there behind me counting under his breath for my part i do not count strokes i do generally practice an eight count there are two reasons for that the first is that it reminds me to breathe and breathing is really important so in one two out three four in five six out seven eight the other reason for the eight count is that it prevents me from counting strokes i really really don t want to know i don t want to know how many there have been and i for sure don t want to know how many there might still be or how many i think there should still be that way lies fear panic and probably at some point rage what i have discovered walking this path over all these years is that i need to go into a session without expectations without a whole lot of mental chatter yes i can hear those of you who know me well with as little fear as is possible with a sense of openness and willingness and then it hurts the beginning of nearly every single spanking hurts like the very devil nevermind what the spanking porn videos with all those picture perfect models with their makeup that never runs might suggest i find that i fight and struggle and frequently rage through the start of most spankings it isn t fun or sexy or hot it doesn t turn me on it just fucking hurts and i hate it and i most often hate him in a modern era bdsm ethic that says that the bottom partner ought to maintain absolute control that there ought to always be an inviolate safeword in place that has the effect of stopping the action i would never ever get past the first few minutes of a spanking because well duh now before anybody loses their shit i am never unsafe in a session i am absolutely required to tell him if i am in some sense in danger so if i am experiencing chest pains or shortness of breath or unexplained loss of vision i would be expected to make that clear to him he would stop the session and tend to my needs if necessary i would receive appropriate medical care the point of our bdsm play is that he chooses to hurt me he does not ever want me harmed with that said i do not have the capacity to stop our play because it hurts the hurting is the point of the whole thing for us both stopping the action because it hurts is utterly off limits for me further if i were to do that i would miss out on the possibility that exists beyond that beginning place where it just hurts it is in the territory beyond that place of just hurting where the magic and the mystery lies now as always my way is mine it isn t for everyone i don t presume to prescribe i have however found that if i can tough it out and hang on through that initial difficult place if he does not stop when i am fussing and whining and raging then i may possibly break through to something else i may if it all works just right reach the top of the first big hill on the world s tallest roller coaster and drop over the edge in a breath taking rush when it happens i ll swoop down along a deep violet tunnel following some presence that i can sense knowing that i am safely guided the noise will quiet down and turn to colors purples and blues the pain will fade into the background and i will float along following my guide i can still respond to him if he speaks to me but i no longer worry about the intensity of the sensations he is eliciting that is his realm not mine time slows down sometimes i see things or learn things or hear things sometimes i fly away i always have the impression that the experience is something that he allows occasionally i will hear myself roaring like an animal my power unleashed i know he sees it all he refers to it as my getting off i understand that it sets him free liberates his sadistic urges and allows him to go to a higher level of play than he might otherwise because he knows that my tolerance is much higher in that state when he calls me back i tend to come to rather slowly as if from some sort of trance i tend to feel a bit stupid for a time i imagine most of that is the effect of the endorphin rush so spiritual perhaps i tend to not put too much stock in such descriptors but make of it what you will sue posted by sue at 3 04 2021 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 2 23 2021 having said hello after a ten year posting hiatus i will discuss why i might write here again anyone who has spent even a modest effort to read about adults who choose whatever their motivation to agree to spank each other finds a wealth of internet content dedicated to this topic these discussions may be primarily prurient or research based or fictional or pictorial or even humorous in their focus whether you are new to this topic are quite experienced are interested in learning about it as an academic interest are struggling to understand the role a persistent nagging interest in spanking has in your sensual erotic orientation or are just a poor hapless internet pilgrim who has found your way here through serendipity or mishap you may find reading here enlightening or a giant bore if the latter is the case run for your life leave here and seek a more compatible source of stimulation if on the other hand you are inquisitive or perhaps you identify with such labels as dominant or submissive switch slave or head of household or sadist or masochist or taken in hand or top bottom spanker or spankee spanking fetishist therapist spanking devotee disciplinarian or are simply sensually or erotically adventurous you might find something here worth your time and interest i hope to explore and discuss the ways many adults incorporate adult consensual spanking into their lives for many of us spanking becomes a primary source of connection stimulation excitement drama intimacy and fun whether any or all of these motivations lead you to agree to partner with others around spanking or this topic is simply an interest you might find reading here interesting i am a man well into the seventh decade of life i have graduate level education as a counseling psychologist much more usefully i have about forty years life experience studying practicing and learning about the arena many refer to as bdsm or my more specific orientation adult consensual erotic and or disciplinary spanking since my very earliest conscious awareness i have had an obsessive desire to participate in spanking early on i was embarrassed i felt this way i realized not everyone had this need growing up in the mid 1950 s u s spanking was everywhere in homes in school in church in magazines in literature on the then cool new medium television on radio and in newspapers heck if you were misbehaving kid playing in the neighborhood it was not at all uncommon that a neighboring parent of another kid might just decide to spank you so it was not strange to be aware of it in fact one would have needed to be deaf and blind to not be continually bombarded with spanking stimuli in my family spanking was a sacred and almost a pious practice as necessary and important as attending school or church or eating everything on your plate to growing successfully to adulthood there were times i was spanked simply because i had not been spanked in a while like bathing it was not good for children to go too long without a spanking my experience was not unique from my peers at times friends of mine and i would agree to spank each other as a childish role play perhaps even mildly erotic play but those events were few and insignificant as i progressed into adolescence sexual awakening specifically interest in spanking girls women absorbed a great deal of my attention when i masturbated i was dreaming of administering spankings i found friends who shared my interest there was a guy who lived across the street from me with whom i exchanged the rare story or pic from a men s pulp magazine or a playboy fold out focused on a woman s ass that just riveted us but as i aged i became worried i could not imagine a relationship with a woman without spanking her yet how could i an educated ethical empathic caring person who was interested in caring for people and facilitating their development a social activist a feminist have as my primary erotic urge spanking the infliction of pain and submission on those for whom i cared what was wrong with me i ve spent about forty five years learning first that while my orientation is not mainstream or average i am not alone and i am not mentally ill for having it i have worked to improve technique grow relationship skills and refine values and philosophy in my adult consensual spanking practice i ve grown in depth relationships that are the love of a lifetime to much more casual experiences with friends who wanted to explore experience or be mentored i ve known partners who wanted to have spanking therapeutic or disciplinary mentoring i have learned practice that is good for me i continue to learn and evolve i am not the expert there are some who have less knowledge content than i what i have is what seems right for me today i love writing about discussing and learning about this subject i like meeting those who share this interest i want a place to express my experience i hope to do so here if i write things no one else chooses to read so be it if you find something here of value or interest that will be icing on my cake tom the heretic posted by sue at 2 23 2021 no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest older posts home subscribe to posts atom heron totem wisdom places we visit spanking blog lesbian whip threat 7 hours ago hermione s heart recap spanko brunch 2 0 for october 18 15 hours ago richard windsors spanking blog windsor sunday candid s 201 2 days ago new beginnings saturday spankings unmistakable note 3 days ago fondlers anonymous vung tau part 2 feed the pilgrims 4 days ago heart and soul feel free 4 days ago bertram s blog my small life 5 weeks ago polyamory in the news polyamory in the 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