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hat would take me through europe where i would enjoy even more ill advised exploits and come home ready to be sensible again this part of the story isn t about chris so much as the cast of characters around him dating him was like stepping into a minefield i was incredibly naive the woman who set us up was the best friend of chris s cousin and his sister you got that she read my blog and thought he and i would hit it off we ll call her sarah because that s her fucking name and i m abandoning the higher road for the one that frees me of this emotional nightmare in fact let s just call everyone by their real names i m a grown ass woman comfortable with her dirty laundry and i am tired anyway the three of them were a little trifecta of insular petty maliciousness you ll see the trifecta of petty maliciousness shortly after we started dating sarah and amber the aforementioned cousin invited me to drinks i was thrilled it felt like an invitation to belonging i was separated from my friend group by most of a continent by this point and their little group of friends had been together for well over 20 years and in was not a place i d had much hope of achieving so mid week i met them at a bar a few cities away and again so naive it s a little embarrassing his cousin whose own mother had passed tragically young was considered part of the nuclear family birthdays holidays family vacations that night she wielded that closeness like a weapon and she swung wide the two of them spent the evening telling me how awful the whole family was his parents were controlling they had crazy obsessive compulsive behaviors that made everyone uncomfortable his sister jessica was a mess they said recounting tales of black out drinking cheating and a secret abortion chris had failed out of college lying to his parents and taking their money for classes he would never even attend they were loyal to no one and no one was safe i was not safe boom landmine i went home and cried in the shower and i kept every single word of that conversation to myself for more than 15 years but secrets are like stones and i m done carrying heavy shit consider this an unburdening an exorcism that i didn t see it as the red flag that it was that is on me the older and wiser me would slam on the breaks younger me chose differently before she was my sister in law jessica was the mean girl at parties who d get shitfaced and tell anyone who d listen about how awful i was how i thought i was too good for everyone i was ruining everything look i get it i was really different and the outsider but if anything i tried hard too hard to ingratiate myself rookie mistake i changed the dynamic and she hated me for it i remember walking in to the kitchen at a house party one night to hear her sobbing about how i was ruining my own wedding with my tastelessness she cornered me later demanding to know why i didn t intend to change my last name after all her grandfather had been the world s best guy i m rolling my eyes as i type this i d heard enough stories to realize that was a fairytale and that alcoholism runs in bloodlines at her own wedding some months before we were formally engaged and despite the fact that i lived with her brother i was seated at the coworker s table my significant other sat with the family sarah was tasked with shooing me out of wedding photos i m not even kidding the experience was demoralizing because it had been designed to be and when i asked that sarah not be included in our engagement celebrations well that went over like a turd in a punchbowl but i stood my ground for once because while the rest of the snakes i was stuck with sarah wasn t blood landmine landmine landmine i spent the next few years being reminded that i was not welcome for christmas that first year we were married amber gave me a photo album covered in cat hair and labeled conspicuously with a bright white sticker that said free gift not for individual sale another christmas it would be an expired cinemark gift card and no one ever said anything not chris not his parents i was expected to take the high road and as committed to people pleasing as i was i did as i was expected and here s where we ll leave off for now i m so tired the act of unburdening takes its own toll 10 comments comments are closed musings fin de siècle december 13th 2025 comments are closed photos fire suppression december 6th 2025 comments are closed photos poetry dressing room december 1st 2025 2 comments comments are closed photos cactus flower watercolor and pen november 21st 2025 comments are closed art a grief unencumbered november 18th 2025 i just got back from a funeral of a dear friend s father who died quite suddenly having lost my own dad a couple years ago i knew that the only thing you can do after a tragic loss is show up and so i did the impression i had of her father had always been that of this gentle wise figure the dependable sort that reminded me of a 1950 s sitcom ward cleaver in living color well when i tell you i didn t know the half of it everyone spoke of an unyielding kindness and an endless patience his son said he d never seen his dad s frustrations or emotions get the better of him can you imagine he volunteered and contributed to his community he wrote poetry and ran marathons he poured love into his children and adored his wife he left a legacy of goodness and humor my own experience was so different my dad a complicated tortured soul was swallowed up by life and often self pity he never once called unless he wanted something from me and yet his death hurt in my bones i realized as i sat in the hard backed church pew that what i was witnessing was a grief wholly unencumbered by resentments or regret profound in its reach a staggering blow after the service i sat myself at a table out of the way and sipped black coffee i knew no one else there but was soon book ended by chatty clever septuagenarian women we talked books and travel careers and children art and the economy the woman to my right was a clothing designer in her younger days owned her own label she wore her fierceness in her short hair just growing back from cancer treatments i can t help but wonder what they ll say about me at my own funeral i mused it s never going to be like that oh god no he was a one of a kind she said he d been her financial adviser for decades and she respected him deeply no one is going to accuse me of being patient i said laughing though kind yes i do that one pretty well well good for you she said i think they d say i was tough obstinate maybe i ve earned that one bordering on terrifying a mama bear oh for sure she d been called that many times so had i opinionated we said in unison and then laughed like we d been friends for half a lifetime when she left i sat quietly for a minute and recommitted myself to patience of course i want my children to say i was coolheaded and calm but if they also get up to that podium and talk about how i d rip the flesh off the bones of anyone who came for them with my bare hands well that s probably okay too 2 comments comments are closed musings self portrait watercolor november 15th 2025 comments are closed art you up november 11th 2025 comments are closed poetry what dreams october 21st 2025 if you re inclined to be cynical this likely won t land with you at all but that s okay you have no reason to believe me but you also have no reason not to i have dreams weird oddly detailed dreams about other people usually not in my immediate circle that reveal a certain amount of truth truths that i could not have otherwise known they re not predictions or future telling so far as i can tell they re more like a reading of the undercurrent the unspoken i think i ve had these my whole life and brushed them off everybody dreams right in the last year though i ve started paying more attention and when a dream stays with me a little longer than usual or feels different sometimes i ll share it that s where things get unusual when i share the details dialogue feelings or scene with the person i dreamed about the first reaction is usually disbelief how did you know well i didn t at least not consciously yesterday morning i woke from a particularly detailed dream that on the surface seemed absurd in the level of detail the dream involved a man i only really know from short conversations at school pick up i went to a yoga straight after dropping the kids at school and during quiet moments in class kept returning to the dream and the feeling it left me with when i sat down late at my computer to work i decided to shoot him a message something along the lines of buckle up big guy i just had the strangest dream about you they start like that my communication with the subjects of my dreams a sort of ha ha isn t this wacky opening salvo that i hope doesn t freak them out i won t share the particulars of this interaction because the dream hit with such bizarre accuracy at personal private parts of this man s life i have no business knowing let alone sharing them but the wildest part was not that what i dreamed was accurate it was how he responded he was not surprised he was not taken aback he welcomed it i give you credit he said you saw into my energetic world and it was highly accurate i respectfully bow he said that he believes in intuition that it behaves outside time and space that we all have the ability to access that part of ourselves but most of us don t choose to listen or to practice it he validated that what i saw was in fact real and encouraged me to seek stillness to tune in to more that surprised the shit out of me to be honest i m used to that kind of response from the women in my social circles they tend to be thoughtful and wisened not many men i know interact with that kind of shields down authenticity of course i have in the past been fooled by those who speak the vocabulary of the healed and the wise but operate in disregard for others i have at times not been nearly guarded enough and just because i read someone doesn t mean that message was even meant for me to intercept frankly the last time this happened i should have steered clear lessons were learned this was also the first time that sharing a dream has left me exhausted my thinking brain turned off and i spent the rest of the day busily going about my tasks on autopilot working cooking cleaning it wasn t until i had a moment of quiet before bed that it struck me how truly surreal the whole thing had been comments are closed musings wigged out october 3rd 2025 comments are closed photos what then october 2nd 2025 comments are closed poetry then i would matter october 1st 2025 it was never a conscious thought instead a drive a compulsion to be good useful and helpful because if i was more of those things maybe if i was the most then i would matter when i was about 11 years old i was riding in the car with my dad he must have been mad at me for something because he looked over at me and said if you re not careful you re going to grow up to be a bitch just like your mother he went on to predict i d have multiple divorces because of how intolerable i was he was a deeply wounded individual my dad but i won t make excuses for him he chose to pass the hurt on and when i tell you that poison seeped into every aspect of my life over the years i feel it with overwhelming regret from the small things like being unable to send back food at a restaurant when it was wrong to the big things like the number of relationships i stayed in for too long because i felt so much shame in failing the number of times i stayed quiet when something wasn t right at work or in a friendship when i have felt deep anger and been so paralyzed by it because speaking it would mean i was a bitch or worse the times i have been so disappointed by benign neglect but have known deep down that it was my fault because it must be the years i spent trying to be unobjectionable from my grades at school to my appearance it wasn t perfectionism so much as it was self protection so no one would notice i wasn t good enough i ve learned to let go of so much of it but the way it still screams inside my head at unexpected times stirs up an inner panic that when the rest of world around me is so calm shouts you must be doing this wrong so i practice yoga and i climb mountains and whatever else i can to be taken so far away from my brain and so far into my body there s no room for the noise thank god for friends who can hear me say i feel too many things right now and know how to hold space for all of it when i m just not able to originally published on instagram on january 15 2025 comments are closed musings poetry grwm september 28th 2025 it was recently suggested to me that i could monetize my presence here by getting sponsored by brands i use you know share my beauty routine or anti aging hacks and be a really for real influencer and y all the hilarity of that i told them that beauty industry would be horrified by me if you see me wearing mascara and it s not currently like mom s night out it s from yesterday because i don t wash my face and it s not like ohhhh facial cleanser is so drying it s that face washing outside of a full blown shower is a sensory nightmare get water all over the sink and in my hair and down my forearms and no thank you i ll sleep in make up and spf before i ll make myself do something so offensive right before bed look at me protecting my peace see i m a nightmare my skincare routine consists of a single product oneskin there no gatekeeping here i brush my hair 50 strokes every night just like caroline ingalls i do have a fancy brush but i mostly use one of these cheap goody pics because it s good for the scalp i think and i will sleep in a cap just like ma too only mine s silk and not cotton because when the same hairs have been on your head for like a decade how gross does that sound you gotta avoid friction i have an estrogen patch because i am not going gently into that good night thank you very much i think this helps my skin i can t prove it also i don t drink alcohol anymore so do with that what you will but here s my very best beauty hack for this middle age madness that chin hair you can feel but can t see it even in the school pick up line where the light is the best mascara give your chin a little swipey swipe and you ll see all the hairs not just your tormentor pluck away friend i use tube mascara and it works great but i can t speak for traditional mascara but if you ll allow me to share some beauty tips i ve gleaned from women around me i think you ll find them beneficial wanna glow like you just rolled in a meadow of fireflies be kind i could not be more serious the kindest most open hearted people i know are also the ones who look like they re lit up from the inside i ve learned that they re not always happy they re not always performing but they are always kind the best part about this is how contagious it can be borro...