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1 54 pm 10 comments sunday february 04 2007 new plan i just had a fair to middling idea instead of mailing my tax papers directly to the irs i ll first mail them to dairy queen corporate headquarters the dairy queen cfo will note the error and instruct her secretary to return my papers along with several certificates for free dilly bars as i have no use for these certificates i will forward them to the irs along with my returned tax papers the irs will be flattered by my casual largesse and will dispatch a inordinately large check my way do you see the beauty in my scheme the cycle of life the perfect circle one generation passeth away and another generation cometh and so forth the sun also riseth et cetera at any rate if this scheme doesn t pan out i m moving to florida to get work on days of our lives labels schemes 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 59 pm 3 comments saturday february 03 2007 purity i just had a wonderful dream i was walking around inside a giant metallic kiwi when i found a package of pepcid then i ate the pepcid suddenly i was at the yalta conference and a man seated next to me had acid reflux too bad i just finished a package of pepcid all by myself i m fresh out i told him turns out he was stalin i had a couple solid stalin jokes prepared for this post but i ve decided to save them for marriage 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 7 13 pm 3 comments wednesday december 27 2006 milestone do you see this o god i just tried to switch this ancient weak blogger blog to the mega extreme new beta blogger with added calcium for stong bones and teeth i was unsuccessful hmmm so this is what it feels like to fail what a strange sensation as you may know i ve never failed anything before don t quite know what to do with myself now how does one live or as edward kennedy once asked how can people have hope when we tell them that they have no recourse if they run afoul of the new blogger and more importantly how can i come down from this ghastly sugar high just finished a package of gummi fish and i can t feel my feet labels schemes staff of life gone wrong 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 10 36 pm 11 comments saturday december 09 2006 update just ate some cottage cheese with a plastic fork it was good but it wasn t toasted to perfection i usually refuse to eat food that isn t toasted to perfection occasionally i will eat food that is grilled to perfection or perhaps roasted to perfection but that is another matter what i seek in a cottage cheese is consistency and probity it matters not the size of the curd this reminds me of the time when i was eight years old scanning the ground around the pool concession stand for dimes if i could find a dime i could buy some sixlets did i find a dime hell no i didn t which is exactly my point labels staff of life gone wrong 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 26 pm 7 comments saturday november 18 2006 forgive me normally i would never post on the holy sabbath or on any other day of the week but what i have to say is important it just occurred to me that my grandmother doesn t like chaka khan i don t know why it took me so long to figure it out but it s obvious she hasn t any chaka khan albums and never mentions chaka khan in any of our conversations of course i have not spoken to my grandmother in two years perhaps she has spoken of chaka khan to the other grandchildren and perhaps i should have researched this eventuality before airing such dirty laundry on my blog 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 12 31 pm 5 comments sunday october 22 2006 fleeced again just bought this box of tissues after i opened the box i saw that the top tissues were slightly dented i would return the tissues for a refund but i can t because i ve misplaced the receipt this is just one more example of proctor gamble interfering with my peace of mind other examples as you may recall include the 1987 pringles cheese ums recall the flightless nature of always maxi pads with wings and the federal law prohibiting private ownership of bald eagle feathers without a permit labels always maxi pads with wings high dudgeon 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 12 56 am 7 comments friday october 06 2006 i shall now put my life in danger by viewing a midday episode of laverne shirley laverne shirley is on in 2 minutes regarding this episode the tv schedule says driving test squiggy needs help to pass a driving test anyway i ll let you know if he passes this may be a close one pray for me update 2 04 pm i ve already lost interest in this episode but how about a lunchbox anecdote instead once when i was in elementary school i had a strawberry shortcake lunchbox sometimes i would accidentally leave sandwich ends or cheese pieces in the lunchbox overnight the next morning my strawberry shortcake lunchbox would stink also one day a girl named jonie barfed in the lunchroom and we all had to move to another table peace out 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 1 58 pm 9 comments tuesday september 26 2006 in the meantime joseph kynaston snodgrass tungsten reeves tagged me for a meme while i wasn t paying attention i intend to supply my responses soonish but in the meantime i ve created a meme for him no one else is allowed to answer these questions this is a one man meme private meme for squander two only no one else is tagged and he can t tag anyone either hands off 1 what is your favorite shade of yellow you can t say mustard that one s taken 2 if you were a pregnant woman which would you rather give birth to a healthy baby stoat who wishes to study carpentry and will leave you without stretch marks or a large human baby with rabies and a peg leg note the human baby can also solve crimes 3 do you use a sawing motion when you floss your teeth because you re not supposed to use a sawing motion 4 if you had a 4 ft possum tail and you had to conceal it for an important business meeting would you tape it to your back or against your leg you might also consider wrapping it around your abdomen i suppose 5 if you were a 200 meter tall man where would you sit 6 who would you like to have drowned in chocolate who would you like to have drowned in borscht 7 it turns out that jerry garcia is still alive and would like to hit the road again would you rather follow the grateful dead or have the grateful dead follow you you must choose one or the other please stop screaming update he speaks 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 2 02 pm 2 comments monday september 25 2006 meat analogue sandwich i am eating some sort of meat analogue sandwich on gluten free bread it s good but not that good because someone burned the meat analogue what to do it s hard to get good meat analogue these days it s not like the old days when an enterprising chap could simply step out his back door and pick his own analogue sigh thank you i ll be here all week labels i have a fine pontoon staff of life gone wrong 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 1 28 pm 3 comments thursday september 07 2006 goodbye blog hiatus goodbye giant nest over the past few weeks i ve been touring the country in a giant bird nest on wheels during the daylight hours i hitched rides by attaching my giant nest to the backside of cars i d stop at convenience stores to buy heat lamp frankfurters and search for the prophet warren jeffs by night i d park my nest and read magazines by candlelight inevitably the giant nest caught fire to make matters worse i never found the prophet someone else got to him first but i m all caught up with my smithsonian back issues i say did you know there are two chinas one rich and one poor it s true but not very interesting i find myself bored with china all that land and no six flags water parks wasteful i was careful to wear a short scarf so as to keep it from tangling in the nest wheels 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 12 26 pm 7 comments monday august 14 2006 hiatus from my hiatus my newest chef d oeuvre i just wrote a book it s about a lady who lives in the olden days just like in the portrait of a lady her name is daniella peabo bryson and she always sits in her parlor with a smallish ornate box in her lap she has a golden arm but it rarely figures in to the story line anyway every time someone bothers her she cracks open the lap box and a terrible gray cloud seeps out and fills the room with a sulphury corpsey odor the book just keeps on going like that stink cloud after stink cloud plus i put in some fruitful conversations about buying wigs and hunting with dogs daniella s not just conversing with herself either she is talking to her suitor tim mee one day tim mee finds a piece of dental floss in his mashed potatoes suspicious and also gross things really blow up after that i must say that tim mee is a rascal he is also a homosexual it s a plot twist here is an excerpt it turns out i am a homosexual daniella tim said and thoughtfully chewed his shirtsleeve for a moment daniella scowled at him then he started now dear don t open the box you mustn t get cross no he stumbled back and crushed a lampshade against the mantel too late the box was open choking stink cloud everywhere barffellklsfj he barf bellowed into his chewed shirtsleeve as he staggered to the door as usual miss peabo bryson remained unperturbed by the noxious cloud in addition the book will feature fantastic illustrations drawn with mechanical pencil 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 56 am 9 comments thursday july 27 2006 blog hiatus update just checking up on my blog hiatus so far so good superficially everything is fine but what you probably didn t know is that i just ate a few apple seeds accidentally so i may die at any time that reminds me of a story once when i was worried that someone would find my money i taped it under the sofa and forgot about it later when i traded that sofa for a new sofa i forgot to transfer my taped money to the new sofa when i found the guy who had my money sofa i told him i forgot my leg medicine in the cushions and could he please let me find my leg medicine he said sure so i retrieved my money and got out of there but that s not all i also use the leg medicine story to get free admission to the state fair every year i tell the admissions guy that i left my leg medicine at the root beer stand i need that medicine to live i tell him one year when the state fair guy got wise and asked me why i take leg medicine i told him i don t take leg medicine and then i punched him in the face then i sprinted past the other ticket guys and bought myself a scotch egg the trick is to eat the scotch egg while it s hot it s no good when it s cold 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 13 am 4 comments sunday july 16 2006 blog hiatus still going strong i just received an email from euston jaffrens king of fried chicken stop by my restaurant and i will feed you the best plate of fried chicken you ever tasted it said i pedalled over to king of fried chicken only to be greeted by an empty dirt lot no fried chicken as far as the eye could see so i rode home and wrote to euston jaffrens dear mr jaffrens i tried to find your restaurant but it was not where you said it was please advise he promptly wrote back sorry for the inconvenience please accept this coupon for laser hair removal dr euston jaffrens dammit dr jaffrens i don t have time for your laser hair removal i barely have enough time for fried chicken when marguerite duras said the best way to fill time is to waste it she was referring to just this kind of fried chicken hassle i know this because we were in the popeye s drive thru when she said it let me tell you that woman could really put away the fried chicken marguerite duras writer filmmaker fried chicken enthusiast 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 55 am 6 comments wednesday july 12 2006 day two of official blog hiatus now that i am on blog hiatus i feel compelled to post something it s just like mother always said lose one shoe too bad for you lose two shoes fuck off i m not made of money just kidding mother would never say anything with an internal rhyme 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 1 28 pm 4 comments tuesday july 11 2006 summer hiatus by the way i don t know if you noticed but i m on hiatus to learn more about my hiatus or hiati in general check out wikipedia s hiatus page if you don t want to learn about hiati i can t help you go back to russia 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 4 44 pm 5 comments friday june 30 2006 polystyrene the earnest cousin i was thinking i d post something pretty soon but i want to take the time to make it good i don t want to rush it i want to create a thoughtful post about the sort of things my readers are into namely plastics of course some of my readers are into other related polymers but i can t be everything to everybody i have to focus on one thing at a time 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 19 am 4 comments monday june 05 2006 listen i don t want hear about my 401k i was just about to turn off my computer and hide it in the cupboard for the night when i stopped because i had one more thing to say it was about something i m already forgetting what i wanted to say i can t remember sometimes i wish my cat would wear a nice suit nothing too expensive just something nice no cumberbund or anything but something nicer than khakis and a sportscoat and on rainy days he could wear corduroys and a navy blue turtleneck but if he tried to tell me about my 401k i would put my hand on his shoulder and say listen i don t want to know the details 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 10 20 pm 6 comments allow me to consult my computer dictionary do you think i should buy a canoe i don t really want one but i hear they re all the rage according to my computer dictionary a canoe is a light slender boat that has pointed ends and is propelled by paddles who cares as far as watercraft is concerned i think i d prefer a fine pontoon that way i could walk into a bar and say i must admit i have a fine pontoon the rabble will never appreciate this tremendous joke but it is worth something in the proper milieu labels i have a fine pontoon staight up maritime enchantment 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 4 29 pm 0 comments wednesday may 24 2006 let that be a lesson to him one thing i find satisfying about mahmoud ahmadinejad is that i still do not know how to pronounce mahmoud ahmadinejad i always say makh mood abidjibbijab and what of it if he doesn t like it let him furnish me a letter of complaint on organizational letterhead 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 12 29 am 4 comments tuesday may 23 2006 people used to be apes for your fyi people used to be apes before they evolved into people do you think people used to be apes i do this was before we had cameras of course if i was an ape with a camera and i was evolving faster than my fellow apes i d take photos of my fellow apes to show my human grandchildren if i was an ape and i was evolving ...
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