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r lucky number what are the first four lines of your mailing address what are your four favorite banks what are your four favorite bean dishes what four people do you wish to tag with this meme 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 10 10 pm 3 comments tuesday march 14 2006 man burns hand on remarkably hot hat i just spoke to a man who burned his hand on a remarkably hot hat the hat was in my car in the rear window i reached back to pick it up and i was like ow this is really hot then i thought about it for a minute and i was like wow how does a hat get that hot it was remarkably hot by the time i met him the man had been milling around the parking lot for 15 minutes trying to get people to touch his hat here feel how hot this hat is he d say you won t believe it it s not as hot as it was but it s still pretty warm for those of you wondering the hat resembled a greek fisherman s cap without the little braided cord across the bill 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 4 22 pm 5 comments thursday march 09 2006 stop trying to sit on my sofa you insensitive swine lately i ve been collecting interesting rocks in a suitcase but now my suitcase is missing i thought i d put it next to the sofa now it s not there i ve adapted to my loss by storing my newest rocks on the sofa but how long can this arrangement last would be sofasitters balk when confronted by my interesting rocks they don t want to sit on my rocks and they don t mind saying so when you get right down to it i don t want people sitting on my rocks pull up a chair if you are so inclined it matters not to me my primary objective is to recover my suitcase and the interesting rocks within 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 9 01 pm 5 comments sunday march 05 2006 no more poems that s it i m not writing any more lazy free verse office supply poetry for paul i don t like what it does to people for example orlando s jan peters read my last poem aloud and both of his canaries died mr kinny read one of my office supply poems and decided to move out of the neighborhood i received an email from him two days later it said i have downed several trees and am constructing a small cabin on national park land what can they do to me absolutely nothing what do you use for chinking when you build your cabins write back soon i haven t replied yet i m trying to remember what i used for chinking last time i built a cabin i m also trying to remember when i built a cabin and where i put it when i finished it 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 8 31 pm 6 comments everything i do i do for paul post 2 swingline r high capacity staples box of 2500 breeze through the trees then come the bees no way with that spray i like me some bees shhh i m trying to sleep swingline r high capacity staples box of 2500 have you any floss i have a popcorn kernel thing between my teeth just like huey long used to say flossa flossa flossa i m the bossa who you callin drunk 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 8 18 pm 0 comments monday february 27 2006 everything i do i do for pall what is this i go away for a week and nobody cares but paul oh that is it i m going to institute a new topic drift blog serial everything i do i do for paul this new blog series will deal primarily with my feelings about office supplies i must warn you however this new scheme will involve anguished free verse you may not care about my feelings about office supplies but paul cares of this i am certain everything i do i do for paul post 1 avery table of contents dividers with pockets you remind me of feeling free you remind me of feeling the freedom that comes with never knowing if mamma loved me she never told me i was good avery table of contents dividers with pockets whutchoo keep in yo pawkets bitch 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 7 28 pm 4 comments monday february 20 2006 on ralph waldo emerson 1 let not a man guard his dignity but let his dignity guard him said ralph waldo emerson probably while sitting on the can eating pistachios out of a paper sack dignity isn t a given it s often a taken and then the guy s off a runnin will you catch him not in those shoes you won t 2 while i believe that he meant well i do not believe that ralph waldo emerson was a good painter did he paint and if so oils or houses i don t know you wait here while i do a google search 3 a famous quotation of emerson s goes a little like this a friend is one before whom i may think aloud pffuh you know as well as i do that this man had no friends shut up ralph waldo emerson nobody likes a blabbermouth try to be the one who s interested in other people everyone likes that guy plus he s usually a pushover who ll buy you a drink 4 finally he says something we can all agree upon children are all foreigners and all foreigners are children i do think we keep things simple 5 ho this one is positively cake taking do not go where the path may lead go instead where there is no path and leave a trail no sane man would postulate such balderdash if you leave a trail on my land so help me god i will find you and i will cut you first of course i must buy land watch this space 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 12 36 am 5 comments thursday february 16 2006 then your eyes shall be opened it s been a terrific week i have been dreadfully ill but not so ill that i couldn t eat a two month ration of caramel plugged hershey s kisses in one sitting don t you know i wasn t actually sick when i ate the kisses i became sick the next day or something why split hairs and the only obstacle between me and more kisses is my fear of the unknown will i die if i eat an entire package or will i be as a god knowing good and evil hard to say 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 9 57 am 4 comments friday february 10 2006 the whole place was liable to go up in flames first i felt a strange sensation in my left ear but i attributed the feeling to the fanatic wind that whistled down the lane and extinguished my last piece of coal then i felt a strange sensation in my sinuses but i attributed the feeling to the damp that invades my garret did i think i was getting a cold no i did not think i was getting a cold i did not think at all perhaps that is where i went wrong or perhaps i should have sold my timeshare in october like the man said at any rate my affliction will not cut into my olympics watching time because i hadn t planned on watching the olympics the cold medicine box said i should be feeling groggy by now but i m fine if anyone wonders why i just drove the neighbor s honda into the compost bins they should keep in mind that the keys were left in the ignition and that the bins were never meant to sit so close to the house anyway the heat generated in those bins is tremendous the whole place was liable to go up in flames tonight i saved lives tomorrow i will rest 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 12 08 am 4 comments tuesday february 07 2006 i have assembled my monkeys here today for a reason 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 26 am 13 comments thursday february 02 2006 jefferson bust loves memes too four jobs jefferson bust has had 1 sit very still on thrift shop shelf 2 successfully wait in ambush in jeff nelson s refrigerator 3 sit very still on bookshelf 4 guard houseplants four movies jefferson bust can watch over and over 1 last of the mohicans 2 kurt and courtney 3 clambake 4 short circuit four places jefferson bust has lived 1 living room 2 hallway 3 bedroom 4 sunroom four tv shows jefferson bust loves to watch 1 lou dobbs tonight 2 ghost hunters 3 the jeffersons 4 waiting for god four places jefferson bust has been on vacation jefferson bust doesn t go on vacations four of jefferson bust s favorite dishes 1 jolly ranchers 2 meow mix 3 cabbage 4 milk four sites jefferson bust visits daily jefferson bust isn t allowed to use the computer because he has a gambling problem four places jefferson bust would rather be right now 1 the swimming pool 2 james taylor sit down concert 3 monticello 4 cinnabon 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 12 32 pm 5 comments wednesday february 01 2006 my new pen 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 27 pm 2 comments tuesday january 31 2006 books they re not just for carnies anymore i was just lining up my books on the bookshelf when it occurred to me that i ve never read any of them the last book i read was the valley of the dolls and i needed cliffs notes just to get past chapter 4 they didn t have valley of the dolls cliffs notes back then so i had to make do with the mimeographed tale of two cities glossary i found on the bus i kept thinking that the book would be better if neely was a talking car not just any car either but a jeep grande cherokee 3 7 liter v6 with independent front multilink rear suspension and quadra drive ii 4wd i mean is that even possible in just one car if you re looking for rugged off road capabilities and a five star crash test rating the jeep grand cherokee can t be beat at any rate i think the book is flawed 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 18 pm 3 comments wednesday january 25 2006 superfluous lunch i was just sitting at my desk when bee brought me an apple it was cut into pieces but i already had an apple today i can t eat two and now i have this redundant fragmented apple that won t keep because its innards are exposed to the elements i don t know what to do about it this reminds me of the time i was invited to a lunch picnic after i d already eaten lunch i attended the picnic anyway and ate a second lunch when i returned home i discovered that i d also been invited to an impromptu afternoon pool party but because i was too busy eating a superfluous lunch i missed a perfect opportunity to float face up in a pool it also reminds me of the time young napoleon bonaparte was building a diorama for his literature class and he wanted to portray the scene from king lear where ophelia drowns but his friend luc told him that that s a girls scene so napoleon scraped the whole project and built a miniature bullet train diorama he got an f because nobody had written a novel about bullet trains yet 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 47 am 6 comments tuesday january 24 2006 vitally important link before you see the opera bouffe read the interview 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 1 47 pm 3 comments monday january 23 2006 it s time to put your feet up and take your mind off your troubles item apparently the wall street journal offices are rife with disease i know this because people keep finding topic drift by googling wall street journal staph infections as i always say torpid speculation in conjunction with five distinct google searches constitutes a convergence of evidence or proof is it safe to handle your morning wall street journal not on your life staph can be deadly just read the wsj online or better yet discontinue your subscription immediately pack your bags and enlist in the french foreign legion you deserve it it s time to put your feet up and take your mind off your troubles in addition to putting up your feet you will need to be able to do 30 pushups and 50 situps you must be able to climb a 20 foot rope without using said feet or a ladder and you must be able to run 8 kilometres with a 12 kilogram rucksack in less than one hour you must do 8 chinups with your palms away from you as you grip the bar and you must not be married these are not my personal stipulations they are the grandiose stipulations of the french foreign legion who are you to question the french foreign legion let s eat 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 9 54 am 6 comments sunday january 22 2006 it s not a stick just the other day a guy walked up to me and told me that my shoes were untied good one i said as i turned away but i m not wearing any shoes but the guy wouldn t give up he told me that i definitely had shoes on pfff how could he know i was wearing my rabbit thunder ice hockey mascot uniform he said he had the feeling that inside my rabbit uniform my shoes were untied so i stepped back and clobbered him with my carrot later during my routine i noticed an enormous woman hollering and gesturing in the stands i knew something was up because rabbit thunder fans always sit quietly or read the paper during my routine when i moved closer to the stands i lifted my earflap and listened she was all why did you hit my son with your hockey stick he was trying to ask you for a date you stupid rabbit why did you hit my son with your hockey stick stupid rabbit well i never it s not a stick it s a carrot i shouted in reply i held my hockey carrot aloft and pointed to it with my other mitten i hit him with my carrot 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 26 am 3 comments friday january 20 2006 aaaawwk i was wondering how people feel when they come to topic drift and i have nothing new to offer them sad probably sometimes i get overwhelmed by the labor involved in signing in to my account all that typing and tabbing and entering and waiting then i get hungry and i have to make toast by the time my toast is ready the mary tyler moore show is on then it s time for ice cream them i have to floss and brush my teeth or i ll just keep eating until sunrise here s a good joke what did the crane say to the zebra aaaawwk he said aaaawwk it s all in the delivery the thing about this particular joke is you have to ask the question very softly very gently then after your dupe leans in and whispers what what did he say then you let out the terrifying deafening drum shattering aaaawwwwk it really makes people angry this joke the angry means success make no mistake about it your dupe doesn t even have to be fluent in english as they say in the theatre the language of angry is universal 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 10 38 am 3 comments tuesday january 17 2006 why i use word verification comment technology listen if you have a problem with my word verification scheme just shut up and have a cigarette stop being so pushy commenting on topic drift is like falling off a triceratops it s a privilege not a right and if you tell the wrong people about it you ll quickly build a reputation as a lonely lowly mooncalf who bays at the lovely lonely moon in the frightful night sky with the baying and the mooning and the sky with the moon amen besides international word verification makes it possible for two diseased children from kwatzankore to visit america every year for lifesaving leg transfusions i do what i can some people give blood some people give cash i use international word verification and i m not sorry 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 4 45 pm 8 comments monday january 16 2006 cowboy movie i just dusted the plant don t you hate cowboy movies i do the only cowboy movie i d watch is a cowboy movie where the cowboys are actually domestic cats trained to use a human toilet this movie would feature approx 70 minutes of cowboy cats and their toilet theatrics suddenly a human toddler shows...
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