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ever and it s not because i can t it s because i prefer to have other people do that sort of shit for me this is also why i do not change linens recycle phone people on their birthdays pour tea or pick papers off the floor unless they are banknotes that best portion of a good man s life his little nameless unremembered acts of kindness and of love wordsworth oh fuck off 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 00 am 4 comments wednesday july 09 2008 what i was recently taking care of some solemn business when i said to myself why engage in such business it is beneath you god s foot it was like a mighty light went on in my head shorting out the widget that transmits thoughts to my mouth mechanism via fiber optic cable i immediately ceased all action and took to drink at any rate that was weeks ago the schnapps cupboard is bare and my laundry is still in the washer 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 05 am 4 comments sunday june 22 2008 hospitality mice films i just finished gluing all of the pages of the grapes of wrath shut last night i glued some raymond carver don delillo and the color purple i m not going to read these again and i don t want anyone else reading them either they re going straight to the guest room nightstand i may even glue the volumes together so that fat old molly has one dustable object instead of four i say what do you think of stuart little while i m impressed with his carmanship he holds but a small place in my heart i have no patience for mickey minnie those three blind assholes fivel mighty and jerry i do like the rescuers however when it comes to screen mice i look for intrepid self starters who wear cape free human clothing while delivering children from swamps i also appreciate mice films that feature large skull encased diamonds yes the rescuers is where it s at 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 59 am 6 comments sunday june 08 2008 economy just sold rafe s soiled tuxedo to a person on the internets i also located a robot i want to buy the robot is expensive and i will have to sell at least 4 more tuxedos to cover the cost what in the holy fuck is going on just a year ago i could buy twenty robots for the price of two tuxedos now i can t trade a saint s finger for a bottle of sherry this reminds me of the time i sold a set of diana ross cupboard knobs to a man in schenectady he didn t have any money but he owned a parsley farm so send me some parsley i told him and he did he s dead now but what of it he got his knobs and i got my parsley i don t see what all the fuss is about 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 09 am 7 comments monday may 26 2008 email i ve just completed a ceremonial skimming of the email puhh do i take milk with my porridge how often do i read keats do i actually campaign for real ale or do i sit back while others do the footwork i used to receive such questions with glee knowing that my answers fuel worlds i still feel that way of course but typing responses has become a hassle someone has pried the h a r tab and 5 keys from my keyboard the keyboard itself cracked in april when i whaled rafe with it some good natured indoor shotgun fire recently damaged my monitor casing and cast a permanent yellow haze over the screen and my mouse mechanism appears to be clotted with some sort of fruit based mucosity last week i took the side panel off the tower and found amongst other things the afikomen e pur si muove i can still use the contraption to play minesweeper so my weekends remain full 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 1 32 pm 5 comments wednesday may 21 2008 a sorry welcome home devastation just returned from my seaside holiday to find my moth collection ravaged by squirrels what s more i m not even sure it was squirrels it may have been field mice or a wayward vole this reminds me of the time i brought my moth collection over to violet s house when she was ill with the croup this will cheer her up i thought wrong she took one peek and suffered a series of acute seizures how was i to know of her winged thing phobia fortunately violet is a family friend and not a friend of my own making i would feel horrible about it all had i met her in school or at the park as it stands our friendship is an ancestral accident like red hair or strange earlobes and i really can t be bothered 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 1 42 pm 4 comments wednesday january 02 2008 6 down smurf colored 14 down inuit s ride i wanted to begin this post i was just filling in the wednesday crossword when it occurred to me but it is useless nothing occurred to me while i was filling in the crossword i often go days without anything occurring to me with which known substance will i now compose this sandwich better six feet under than one house over will man reach the headwaters of the congo in my lifetime these are the sort of perplexities i consider and nothing more i say what do you think of puffins for lo they are sea birds 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 9 30 am 5 comments sunday december 30 2007 avant garde gothic condensed medium or trebuchet narrow or some such shit i ve decided to adopt a new font for my private correspondence i have also decided that when the snow recedes i will find a new stick my old stick is decrepit it s cracked it has lichen the end i wrap in flaming kerosene soaked rags is misshapen embarrassing all i m saying is next time we forge a bloodthirsty mob don t judge me by my old stick i m as angry as the next man and so help me god my new stick will reflect this 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 42 am 5 comments wednesday december 26 2007 dignity seriousness and duty incredible having a terrible day what did i do to deserve this i remember the time i walked a mile in someone else s shoes that day was even worse have you ever opened a tin of corned beef at an inappropriate time i m just trying to make sense of the senseless 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 55 am 3 comments monday october 22 2007 often often when i am wandering lonely along the shore mist brushing my nose and wind whipping my hair i grow melancholy thinking about the time i tricked a baby deer into falling down a well i stop and sigh and let the tears roll down my cheeks why do these thoughts make me so sad after all it wasn t really a baby deer it was just my friend schaffer dressed in a puffy hamburger costume i guess the sadness comes when i think of how cute baby deer are and how schaffer lost all those big mac coupons while he was thrashing around down there one could argue that the puffy hamburger costume saved his life but that s hardly an excuse for tears no no no surely this pathos lies with the baby deer hmm 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 21 pm 7 comments monday august 13 2007 monday afternoon what is that woman s name i can t remember she s excessively white and foreign and she was in that movie about being dead and hysterical in real life she was married to tom cruise for a while but who anyway i was just thinking of her as she often sends cruel unsigned emails to my home stop bootlegging my dvds she wrote recently stop impersonating me at parties she wrote stop prowling my lawns no way did you lose your pet ferret again and bring back the copper piping you pried from my siding whatever i ve had it with trying to make a living if you need me i ll be at the ground round taco bar 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 5 20 pm 8 comments tuesday august 07 2007 doom i would have posted sooner but i was gripped by a sudden fear of clocks also i had a stomachache also i was camping also i was irritated by the mere sight of someone she was bug eyed with curly hair and she was buying several sacks of donuts as lord halifax said nothing has an uglier look to us than reason or a sack of donuts when it is not on our side as you can see it is not so much the price of things but the cost can t talk now time for pie 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 51 am 1 comments wednesday august 01 2007 he narrowly escaped a substantial drubbing i once wrote a profound book entitled similar ducks it involves several similar ducks standing about looking askance it is illustrated it is a thing of beauty it is available for the low low price of 49 95 recently some lathered desperado from the plains complained that my ducks had pointed beaks ducks have rounded beaks he bawled shrugging and smiling as if to casually deflect a savage beating your pointed beaks make me think your ducks aren t ducks at all but just random birds i clenched my teeth my ducks are some sort of rare asiatic duck the like of which you are not aware he refused to believe me i leisurely reached for my bit of lead piping and look i m already tired of this story so how about a joke instead what did the crawfish say to the armchair answer something something ottoman i can t remember how it goes do fuck off 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 12 35 pm 3 comments monday july 30 2007 examining internets hams don t have any news at the moment so i thought it would be a good time to examine internets hams these are photos culled from the internets they are not my personal hams i don t even eat hams if upon examining these internets hams you spot a clue please note it in the comments field i have been examining these hams for several minutes and i can t come up with any workable clues gift ham business ham canned ham ham of distinction 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 4 29 pm 6 comments sunday july 29 2007 continental breakfast does not include sausages of any kind would have posted sooner but my coffee didn t show up until ten o clock was going to tell you a true story of darkest calumny on the morris dancing circuit but never mind all that the good news is i just kicked a fine 5 x 8 hole in the wall the bad news is i can now see and hear the pasty chortlers and haw haw men on the other side so i d better check out of this hotel toot sweet 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 13 am 1 comments wednesday july 25 2007 i don t want to hear stories about dolphins or teenagers with cars i was just remembering that my mother bought me a beach towel in 1984 i had to bring the beach towel to the municipal pool because i didn t have a beach i would like to add that everyone i knew had her own beach towel or towels long before i had a beach towel of my own this caused me pain i m not saying this so that you will counter with your own stories of deprivation and suffering i don t want to hear those stories i want to hear stories about hobos with sinister agendas or ghost horses that diagnose lymphoma that sort of thing i also like stories about old ladies who die and then come back to life in disgust because heaven didn t cover its sofa cushions with plastic 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 4 44 am 5 comments tuesday july 24 2007 what i have been trying for months to return to my online worldwide internets blog but to no avail not blogging is like sleeping on a superb u s manufactured mattress or drowning in a bowl of cooked groats alarming then blissful nothing pulling the conscience forward no sulking over site statistics no bathing no communicating with savages via moderated comment no beautiful contempt writ large no punitive anecdotes no shopworn exhortations for cash it s sad really i remember the days when blogs lent meaning to life with their gunslinging and confederate gibber jabber and pervasive cat photos 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 9 32 am 5 comments wednesday may 23 2007 slightly ruined wait i have an even better idea for a movie it s like the movie waitress in that it s a lighthearted look at poverty adultery pie and domestic abuse except my movie will feature a band of ape men on an olde tyme horse drawn firetruck that keeps pulling up to the action and dousing the actors until they run off the set in tears you can t tell if the actors are crying tears or just dripping water but why should i care stupid felicity movie you die now anyway does anyone want to buy my old go fast boat i m selling it cheap due to its slightly ruined state the next time i smuggle i m going to be looking where i m going instead of showing off for my smugglees by steering with my bare feet labels ape men feet smuggling 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 41 am 3 comments wednesday april 18 2007 aha etc good idea for a movie mary poppins comes back from the dead to mind two very towheaded children who despite serious and vague credentials are not quite nazi style aryan probably because their maternal granny was a homosexual the children live in a grand mansion infested with tiny ants mary poppins suggests sprinkling cayenne pepper near the ant entry points this discourges the ants she says obviously dammit cayenne does nothing to discourage ants so after the tripods snatch mary poppins and provisions run low the children feast on ants also the children shrink to the size of ants and hunt ants with ant spears and wear ant pelts this keeps them alive until the end of the war cameo by jackie onassis i had a second idea for a movie starring taylor dayne as taylor d ayne a roadtripping single mother who will stop at nothing to crap in the haunted toilet at the winchester mystery house unfortunately it features an animated underwater fantasy sequence involving ominous disneyesque characters i ve been warned that animated sequences have gone the way of steller s sea cow i e nobody cares about steller s sea cow so i may have to replace it with my usual black and white stock footage of a villain slicing a steak with a comically small knife labels ant pelts taylor dayne 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 9 42 am 8 comments tuesday april 03 2007 the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog here is my dilemma all i have left to live for is 1 this blog and 2 my wits do i start posting again or devote my time to honing my wits no no no wait i meant nits i have nits so do i start posting again or devote my time to phoning my nits soon my nits will be nymphs and then full fledged adult lice they grow up so fast i don t want any louse of mine to wonder where i was all the time why i never bothered to call or why i was drunk or absent or both during his soccer matches and birthday beatings i don t want to be a shitty host i want to be a vital part of my nit s lives then again maybe i want to blog more often such decisions are never easy labels dubiety nits 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 1 54 pm 10 comments sunday february 04 2007 new plan i just had a fair to middling idea instead of mailing my tax papers directly to the irs i ll first mail them to dairy queen corporate headquarters the dairy queen cfo will note the error and instruct her secretary to return my papers along with several certificates for free dilly bars as i have no use for these certificates i will forward them to the irs along with my returned tax papers the irs will be flattered by my casual largesse and...
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