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rahck, seem, coerce, caring, discernable, priorities, force, names, seychelles, instance, maldives, prepare, mispell, pay, bedbugs, specifically, residence, suffer, incident, easily, helpful, third, vicinity, fourth, acceptable, fifth
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esther wilberforce packard 10 47 pm 4 comments monday may 22 2006 monday evening i was going to liveblog kenneth branagh s reading of goebbels personal diaries on pbs but i ve decided against it i m too full just ate a turkey patty 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 8 00 pm 4 comments tuesday may 16 2006 counting canadians i spent all last week gearing up for canada census day and now it is here i can t stand the suspense counting canadians is one of my favorite social rituals the most canadians i ve counted in one room is four but that s not counting half canadians or naturalized canadians or men wearing pleated trousers once i met a man named shane he was canadian but he was living in america he wore great cavalry mustaches and regularly threatened passersby with a steak knife all to avoid the usual penalty for being openly canadian in america which is having your eyes put out and your national park camping permit revoked 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 8 30 am 7 comments monday may 08 2006 i was born in diet pepsi and i ll die in diet pepsi i just made up a new language it s called z drippy and it will be the official language of my new nation state diet pepsi diet pepsi will officially exist as soon as i can get pepsico to sign some paperwork in the meantime why not learn a few phrases and because body language is 70 of communication i ve included some rudimentary gestures to help you along where is the toilet z drippy toilet cup crotch with both hands hop from one foot to the other can i exchange money here z drippy money squint pound fist on table how long will my flight be delayed z drippy delay delay delay flare nostrils rapidly i need a doctor i have a sliver in my foot z drippy sliver sit quickly remove shoe point to foot i would like a double room z drippy double room jab index finger into receptionist s lapel how do i get to the beach z drippy beach smell hand with keen interest i ll have the salmon corn cakes z drippy point to item on menu i m an american z drippy point to self bare lower teeth only i d like a cool refreshing diet pepsi z drippy cool refreshing diet pepsi rest forehead on table 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 34 pm 5 comments sunday may 07 2006 it works every time good idea for a restaurant buy a restaurant that has all its parts intact put a sign on the door that says under new management when patrons come in and sit down give them some menus and take their orders then go back into the kitchen make yourself a cup of tea and work on a crossword puzzle eventually the patrons will leave and it will be too late for them to eat at another restaurant ha ha suckers it works every time this restaurant concept would not work with me as a patron because i m convinced that this is how most restaurants do business already the difference is that they actually stock their kitchens with food i d never waste my restaurant money on food i d spend that money on quad bikes 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 2 54 pm 3 comments monday may 01 2006 vacation i need a vacation but i can t figure out where to go how to get there how to pay for it and how to avoid getting bedbugs at the hotel specifically i am looking for a holiday residence within walking distance of two starbucks so that if i suffer some sort of embarrassing incident at one location i can quickly and easily walk to the second location it would be helpful to have a third starbucks in the vicinity as well for the same reason a fourth starbucks within walking distance would be superfluous but acceptable update a fifth starbucks would get on my nerves unless it was a very small starbucks i e serving drinks for take away only no tables or chairs or walls of merchandise 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 9 18 am 11 comments thursday april 27 2006 and misspell should be spelled mispell ate a pancake this morning do you think iraq is misspelled i think it ought to be spelled eee rahck but i can t seem to coerce anyone into caring i just wish we had some discernable priorities regarding countries that force us to misspell their names seychelles for instance also maldives also some other places i can t remember right now i m on my way to the kitchen to prepare a sandwich 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 2 48 pm 3 comments monday april 24 2006 recent postcards from larry basket i ve been exchanging some postcards with my friend basket who is visiting tasmania i m not going to include my replies but for those of you who worry about basket here is what he has to say postcard from basket 1 you may as well know i have four new parakeets now the sea is beautiful he wrote postcard from basket 2 you ve never taken a fancy to parakeets have you terrible cuisine here by the way postcard from basket 3 you really ought to give my parakeets a chance you might find that you like them you might expand your horizons a bit he wrote been getting 10 12 hours of sleep per night postcard from basket 4 i am growing suspicious of the horses here the gleam in their eye chills me to the marrow do you think they could be centaurs somebody stole my good hat postcard from basket 5 i found a charming souvenir briefcase full of briefcases each briefcase slightly smaller than the briefcase surrounding it like those russian dolls the smallest briefcase had in it a folded piece of bubble wrap wish you were here at any rate that s the last i heard from basket 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 10 34 pm 2 comments sunday april 23 2006 i found a website on the internets i just found a website called cheese dot com this website primarily concerns cheese i m only mentioning this because i like cheese i m not going to link to cheese dot com because i don t really want others to look at it unless they are serious about cheese 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 16 pm 4 comments tuesday april 11 2006 gospel of judas i don t understand all this commotion about the gospel of judas i translated it years ago boring scarcely worth the effort judas mentions jesus only once in passing and the rest is ordinary diary drivel some excerpts why do all my black garments fade to different shades of black my black trousers faded blue black my black turtleneck is violet black and my black hoodie is green black with black black trim dorcus claims that no one will notice these shade irregularities but she s the one who pointed them out to me in the first place what so i should never wash my black clothes this sort of thing really gets on my tits judas 3 1 4 dorcas thinks she s a good lyre player but she s not she knows like two chords and they re both wrong somebody save me i think i m going to have another piece of carrot cake before it dries out judas 4 2 3 5 just got home from running errands traffic was horrible saw jesus at crate and barrel he did that thing where he pretends to not see me but i know he saw me how could you not notice me i m the only man in town with natural strawberry blonde hair judas 23 1 3 i can t find my tiki style sake cup set dorcus insists that she didn t throw it out with the nasty old tupperware last week please i wasn t born yesterday she s wanted me to get rid of that set ever since we got married didn t throw it out my ass judas 16 dorcus s sisters are over ostensibly to discuss the kitchen remodel but all i m hearing is wah wah gaining weight wah wah daughter smokes marajuana wah wah wah that s not what i heard kill me now judas 19 8 i was tidying my scrolls just now when i had a great idea why not surprise dorcus with a new scroll she s already read all these ones and i know she d like something to peruse while matthias is at his karate lesson judas 20 4 6 it goes on like this for four volumes sigh oh why did i take coptic in high school i should have taken something useful like french then i could have translated something important like the short stories of gerard depardieu 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 8 21 pm 10 comments friday april 07 2006 attention i ve been profiled by norman geras you may have seen him recently he s the fellow you always find loitering at the train station peeling open melty chocolate bars and casually attaching the wrappers to passersby update oops how embarrassing turns out the guy at the train station is gorman neras unemployed piano tuner and no relation to norman geras my mistake update update turns out gorman neras isn t unemployed he tunes pianos regularly and is paid handsomely and his name isn t gorman neras it is john robinson update update update turns out my ergotism related hallucations are back not only is john robinson not gorman neras he doesn t eat chocolate bars and he wants me to stop harrassing him with questions i don t even know if i have a normblog profile anymore 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 08 am 5 comments thursday april 06 2006 8 sequential auditory signals indicating that rafe has fallen out of bed again and has opted to sleep on the floor for the remainder of the night 1 the thump 2 the cry 3 the sniffle and cough 4 the scrape across floor 5 the impassioned sigh 6 the cussing 7 the silent fury 8 the tranquil hush 9 the snore 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 8 32 pm 4 comments wednesday april 05 2006 today s fortune as told to ewp by beautiful doll beautiful doll makes delightful friend eat carrots every day for health see physician for moles that change in appearance or texture 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 12 54 am 7 comments tuesday april 04 2006 what the financial times doesn t want you to know mild profit taking japanese real estate stocks extended gains into the eighth straight day on tuesday morning making up for mild profit taking in some other sectors in the wake of monday s sharp rise by midday the nikkei was up 0 3 per cent to 17 384 53 claims the financial times boring what the fat cats in tokyo don t want you to know is that all of these other sectors experiencing so called mild profit taking are secretly financing the design manufacture and distribution of the first animate human children made entirely of prosciutto and faux fur the manufacture and sale of these quasi nutria meat moppets and woolly stink cherubs is legal in most countries with the exception of belarus which has frequently expressed concern over the manufacture though not the sale of meat based concept children prices jumped to their highest level crude oil prices jumped to their highest level since hurricane katrina on monday as iran announced it had tested new weapons during war games in the strait of hormuz claims the financial times whatever i heard it wasn t iran i heard it was that that little old couple sylvia and sidney schumacher why just this morning i was having breakfast at the lodge when i overheard a girl they called baby say wait a minute i know iran didn t test new weapons in the strait of hormuz i know because iran was in his room all night and the reason i know is because i was with him then baby was all daddy i m sorry i lied to you but you lied to me too and for crying out loud that was the last straw i left without finishing my frosted flakes securing a cash inflow gm agreed to sell a controlling stake in its finance arm to an investment consortium led by cerberus capital on monday for 7 4bn securing the troubled carmaker a cash inflow of 14bn over the next three years claims the financial times but that s not all gm has sold woo hoo i showed up at their estate sale with a five dollar bill and i left with two nancy sinatra albums some photos of yosemite and a newish bucket full of shrink wrapped sponges i thought i saw some old radio electronics magazines and a briefcase full of socks so i plan on going back tomorrow for the 1 bag sale 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 12 53 am 2 comments monday april 03 2006 everything s ever so slightly gone to seed turned forward the clocks the other day it was a tedious process clock after clock after endless clock yesterday at this time it was a different time slightly later and also a day earlier it was a different world in fact it was similar to tvs a different world but without denise huxtable chilling us to the marrow with her relentless unprovoked dancing it was like yesterday there was no denise today there s slightly some denise but one hour later all attributable to this purported time change with the endless clocks and the turning profound isn t it with the clocks changing with the wind a thing of beauty life cycle cosbys 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 12 14 am 1 comments thursday march 30 2006 i hear you broke another halogen lamp in a fit of rage now i have this terrible skin rash it is as if god is trying to tell me listen stop buying halogen lamps they are pieces of shit 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 00 pm 2 comments wednesday march 29 2006 the archipelago is off limits so to speak just got off the phone with wikipedia they claim that birds common to franz josef land include kittiwakes fulmars and gulls this may be true but i doubt it i will believe it when i see it and there is no general admission to franz josef land without special permit so i ll probably never go it is not worth it to me i don t see the point in acquiring special permits for anything for example when i drive i do so on my own merit i do not search out written permission from the state nor do i loiter about waiting for permission from car owners i simply take their keys and i drive off what can they do to me if they do not like it let them set after me on their bicycles 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 30 pm 1 comments monday march 27 2006 time management sometimes i can t blog because i m too busy it s like i wake up in the morning have a cup of coffee practice xylophone have some lunch go squirrel spotting have some coffee spot more squirrels send some faxes have some dinner spot some squirrels drink tea go to bed sometimes i think my xylophone monopolizes too much of my time how i loathe the xylophone i m beginning to think that the time i spend practicing xylophone could be better spent sending additional faxes or spotting squirrels 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 4 06 pm 4 comments friday march 24 2006 website content update i just looked at my blog and it turns out i haven t posted anything since monday tuesday tuesday was a great day i can t remember what happened wednesday wednesday was fine thursday waited for some calls when the calls came i was furious friday today is friday i ll tell you how this goes next monday 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 12 30 pm 1 comments monday march 20 2006 it makes a world of difference i just thought up a fantastic story about a king who likes fox hunting but then one day he is poisoned by a can of jumbo sardines he doesn t actually eat the sardines he only holds the tin in his hand the tin is coated with touch poison touch poison is my favorite poison though i am also fond of ear poison ear poison is a type of ...
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