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tter six feet under than one house over will man reach the headwaters of the congo in my lifetime these are the sort of perplexities i consider and nothing more i say what do you think of puffins for lo they are sea birds 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 9 30 am 5 comments sunday december 30 2007 avant garde gothic condensed medium or trebuchet narrow or some such shit i ve decided to adopt a new font for my private correspondence i have also decided that when the snow recedes i will find a new stick my old stick is decrepit it s cracked it has lichen the end i wrap in flaming kerosene soaked rags is misshapen embarrassing all i m saying is next time we forge a bloodthirsty mob don t judge me by my old stick i m as angry as the next man and so help me god my new stick will reflect this 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 42 am 5 comments wednesday december 26 2007 dignity seriousness and duty incredible having a terrible day what did i do to deserve this i remember the time i walked a mile in someone else s shoes that day was even worse have you ever opened a tin of corned beef at an inappropriate time i m just trying to make sense of the senseless 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 55 am 3 comments monday october 22 2007 often often when i am wandering lonely along the shore mist brushing my nose and wind whipping my hair i grow melancholy thinking about the time i tricked a baby deer into falling down a well i stop and sigh and let the tears roll down my cheeks why do these thoughts make me so sad after all it wasn t really a baby deer it was just my friend schaffer dressed in a puffy hamburger costume i guess the sadness comes when i think of how cute baby deer are and how schaffer lost all those big mac coupons while he was thrashing around down there one could argue that the puffy hamburger costume saved his life but that s hardly an excuse for tears no no no surely this pathos lies with the baby deer hmm 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 21 pm 7 comments monday august 13 2007 monday afternoon what is that woman s name i can t remember she s excessively white and foreign and she was in that movie about being dead and hysterical in real life she was married to tom cruise for a while but who anyway i was just thinking of her as she often sends cruel unsigned emails to my home stop bootlegging my dvds she wrote recently stop impersonating me at parties she wrote stop prowling my lawns no way did you lose your pet ferret again and bring back the copper piping you pried from my siding whatever i ve had it with trying to make a living if you need me i ll be at the ground round taco bar 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 5 20 pm 8 comments tuesday august 07 2007 doom i would have posted sooner but i was gripped by a sudden fear of clocks also i had a stomachache also i was camping also i was irritated by the mere sight of someone she was bug eyed with curly hair and she was buying several sacks of donuts as lord halifax said nothing has an uglier look to us than reason or a sack of donuts when it is not on our side as you can see it is not so much the price of things but the cost can t talk now time for pie 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 51 am 1 comments wednesday august 01 2007 he narrowly escaped a substantial drubbing i once wrote a profound book entitled similar ducks it involves several similar ducks standing about looking askance it is illustrated it is a thing of beauty it is available for the low low price of 49 95 recently some lathered desperado from the plains complained that my ducks had pointed beaks ducks have rounded beaks he bawled shrugging and smiling as if to casually deflect a savage beating your pointed beaks make me think your ducks aren t ducks at all but just random birds i clenched my teeth my ducks are some sort of rare asiatic duck the like of which you are not aware he refused to believe me i leisurely reached for my bit of lead piping and look i m already tired of this story so how about a joke instead what did the crawfish say to the armchair answer something something ottoman i can t remember how it goes do fuck off 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 12 35 pm 3 comments monday july 30 2007 examining internets hams don t have any news at the moment so i thought it would be a good time to examine internets hams these are photos culled from the internets they are not my personal hams i don t even eat hams if upon examining these internets hams you spot a clue please note it in the comments field i have been examining these hams for several minutes and i can t come up with any workable clues gift ham business ham canned ham ham of distinction 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 4 29 pm 6 comments sunday july 29 2007 continental breakfast does not include sausages of any kind would have posted sooner but my coffee didn t show up until ten o clock was going to tell you a true story of darkest calumny on the morris dancing circuit but never mind all that the good news is i just kicked a fine 5 x 8 hole in the wall the bad news is i can now see and hear the pasty chortlers and haw haw men on the other side so i d better check out of this hotel toot sweet 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 13 am 1 comments wednesday july 25 2007 i don t want to hear stories about dolphins or teenagers with cars i was just remembering that my mother bought me a beach towel in 1984 i had to bring the beach towel to the municipal pool because i didn t have a beach i would like to add that everyone i knew had her own beach towel or towels long before i had a beach towel of my own this caused me pain i m not saying this so that you will counter with your own stories of deprivation and suffering i don t want to hear those stories i want to hear stories about hobos with sinister agendas or ghost horses that diagnose lymphoma that sort of thing i also like stories about old ladies who die and then come back to life in disgust because heaven didn t cover its sofa cushions with plastic 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 4 44 am 5 comments tuesday july 24 2007 what i have been trying for months to return to my online worldwide internets blog but to no avail not blogging is like sleeping on a superb u s manufactured mattress or drowning in a bowl of cooked groats alarming then blissful nothing pulling the conscience forward no sulking over site statistics no bathing no communicating with savages via moderated comment no beautiful contempt writ large no punitive anecdotes no shopworn exhortations for cash it s sad really i remember the days when blogs lent meaning to life with their gunslinging and confederate gibber jabber and pervasive cat photos 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 9 32 am 5 comments wednesday may 23 2007 slightly ruined wait i have an even better idea for a movie it s like the movie waitress in that it s a lighthearted look at poverty adultery pie and domestic abuse except my movie will feature a band of ape men on an olde tyme horse drawn firetruck that keeps pulling up to the action and dousing the actors until they run off the set in tears you can t tell if the actors are crying tears or just dripping water but why should i care stupid felicity movie you die now anyway does anyone want to buy my old go fast boat i m selling it cheap due to its slightly ruined state the next time i smuggle i m going to be looking where i m going instead of showing off for my smugglees by steering with my bare feet labels ape men feet smuggling 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 41 am 3 comments wednesday april 18 2007 aha etc good idea for a movie mary poppins comes back from the dead to mind two very towheaded children who despite serious and vague credentials are not quite nazi style aryan probably because their maternal granny was a homosexual the children live in a grand mansion infested with tiny ants mary poppins suggests sprinkling cayenne pepper near the ant entry points this discourges the ants she says obviously dammit cayenne does nothing to discourage ants so after the tripods snatch mary poppins and provisions run low the children feast on ants also the children shrink to the size of ants and hunt ants with ant spears and wear ant pelts this keeps them alive until the end of the war cameo by jackie onassis i had a second idea for a movie starring taylor dayne as taylor d ayne a roadtripping single mother who will stop at nothing to crap in the haunted toilet at the winchester mystery house unfortunately it features an animated underwater fantasy sequence involving ominous disneyesque characters i ve been warned that animated sequences have gone the way of steller s sea cow i e nobody cares about steller s sea cow so i may have to replace it with my usual black and white stock footage of a villain slicing a steak with a comically small knife labels ant pelts taylor dayne 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 9 42 am 8 comments tuesday april 03 2007 the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog here is my dilemma all i have left to live for is 1 this blog and 2 my wits do i start posting again or devote my time to honing my wits no no no wait i meant nits i have nits so do i start posting again or devote my time to phoning my nits soon my nits will be nymphs and then full fledged adult lice they grow up so fast i don t want any louse of mine to wonder where i was all the time why i never bothered to call or why i was drunk or absent or both during his soccer matches and birthday beatings i don t want to be a shitty host i want to be a vital part of my nit s lives then again maybe i want to blog more often such decisions are never easy labels dubiety nits 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 1 54 pm 10 comments sunday february 04 2007 new plan i just had a fair to middling idea instead of mailing my tax papers directly to the irs i ll first mail them to dairy queen corporate headquarters the dairy queen cfo will note the error and instruct her secretary to return my papers along with several certificates for free dilly bars as i have no use for these certificates i will forward them to the irs along with my returned tax papers the irs will be flattered by my casual largesse and will dispatch a inordinately large check my way do you see the beauty in my scheme the cycle of life the perfect circle one generation passeth away and another generation cometh and so forth the sun also riseth et cetera at any rate if this scheme doesn t pan out i m moving to florida to get work on days of our lives labels schemes 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 59 pm 3 comments saturday february 03 2007 purity i just had a wonderful dream i was walking around inside a giant metallic kiwi when i found a package of pepcid then i ate the pepcid suddenly i was at the yalta conference and a man seated next to me had acid reflux too bad i just finished a package of pepcid all by myself i m fresh out i told him turns out he was stalin i had a couple solid stalin jokes prepared for this post but i ve decided to save them for marriage 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 7 13 pm 3 comments wednesday december 27 2006 milestone do you see this o god i just tried to switch this ancient weak blogger blog to the mega extreme new beta blogger with added calcium for stong bones and teeth i was unsuccessful hmmm so this is what it feels like to fail what a strange sensation as you may know i ve never failed anything before don t quite know what to do with myself now how does one live or as edward kennedy once asked how can people have hope when we tell them that they have no recourse if they run afoul of the new blogger and more importantly how can i come down from this ghastly sugar high just finished a package of gummi fish and i can t feel my feet labels schemes staff of life gone wrong 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 10 36 pm 11 comments saturday december 09 2006 update just ate some cottage cheese with a plastic fork it was good but it wasn t toasted to perfection i usually refuse to eat food that isn t toasted to perfection occasionally i will eat food that is grilled to perfection or perhaps roasted to perfection but that is another matter what i seek in a cottage cheese is consistency and probity it matters not the size of the curd this reminds me of the time when i was eight years old scanning the ground around the pool concession stand for dimes if i could find a dime i could buy some sixlets did i find a dime hell no i didn t which is exactly my point labels staff of life gone wrong 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 26 pm 7 comments saturday november 18 2006 forgive me normally i would never post on the holy sabbath or on any other day of the week but what i have to say is important it just occurred to me that my grandmother doesn t like chaka khan i don t know why it took me so long to figure it out but it s obvious she hasn t any chaka khan albums and never mentions chaka khan in any of our conversations of course i have not spoken to my grandmother in two years perhaps she has spoken of chaka khan to the other grandchildren and perhaps i should have researched this eventuality before airing such dirty laundry on my blog 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 12 31 pm 5 comments sunday october 22 2006 fleeced again just bought this box of tissues after i opened the box i saw that the top tissues were slightly dented i would return the tissues for a refund but i can t because i ve misplaced the receipt this is just one more example of proctor gamble interfering with my peace of mind other examples as you may recall include the 1987 pringles cheese ums recall the flightless nature of always maxi pads with wings and the federal law prohibiting private ownership of bald eagle feathers without a permit labels always maxi pads with wings high dudgeon 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 12 56 am 7 comments friday october 06 2006 i shall now put my life in danger by viewing a midday episode of laverne shirley laverne shirley is on in 2 minutes regarding this episode the tv schedule says driving test squiggy needs help to pass a driving test anyway i ll let you know if he passes this may be a close one pray for me update 2 04 pm i ve already lost interest in this episode but how about a lunchbox anecdote instead once when i was in elementary school i had a strawberry shortcake lunchbox sometimes i would accidentally leave sandwich ends or cheese pieces in the lunchbox overnight the next morning my strawberry shortcake lunchbox would stink also one day a girl named jonie barfed in the lunchroom and we all had to move to another table peace out 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 1 58 pm 9 comments tuesday september 26 2006 in the meantime joseph kynaston snodgrass tungsten reeves tagged me for a meme while i wasn t paying attention i intend to supply my responses soonish but in the meantime i ve created a meme for him no one ...
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