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and shallow reinforcement from outsiders can ease that for me i m twelve weeks second trimester past the miscarriage prime its been confirmed that its alive and in the uterus bonus but then so was logan in fact logan was perfect until he just wasn t all of a sudden at 24 weeks and i tell you it irks me to no end the ignorance that is spewed at me god has come through for you well maybe guess we ll see surely it won t happen again why because two flukes are enough have faith because my lack of it killed my other two think happy thoughts because they are like a magic wand and poof and it goes on sadly it comes from those closest to me the ones who have to believe it ll all end happily i dunno in the end i feel like they think my concerns and fears are silly and unwarranted and really that just leaves me feeling alienated no one gets it and that should make me happy right because the only ones who get it have been there and i certainly wouldn t wish this on anyone but really i just feel very alone and freaking out with out anyone to seriously talk to about it i m pregnant so i should be happy right i mean that s what i thought was going to happen i thought i would be thrilled that s what everyone expects of me right its what i wanted everything will be better you ll be happier get a happy ending because you deserve it but i m just scared and reluctant i m so much older now so much time has gone by my daughter will be almost 5 years its senior and i will be raising hopefully two only children the odds of this baby being born alive and healthy are pretty low no i don t have any moments of happiness about this pregnancy that bliss has long passed me by i fear the worse and the just as bad i fear a dead baby a severely handicapped baby a severely handicapped baby who will die a baby i fear what that will do to my daughter who is old enough to comprehend the horrors i fear what that will do to my husband who maintained all along that he did not think this was the right thing to do i fear what it ll do to my marriage oh and that s lumped in with all the other fears of motherhood what if the baby has colic what if i m too old to do it again what if my daughter can t adjust sids whooping cough chocking falling meteors or is it meteorite and all of this fear is suffocating did i mention i ve been sick twice once with a fever for 4 days did i mention that i m high risk for about four hundred other things oh and lets take into account my advanced maternal age now that i m 35 every day i look in the mirror and ask myself what i was thinking in fact the day i found out i immediately told my husband and then freaked out crying what the hell did i just do because this was all me and only me these past 12 weeks have been such a roller coaster most of the time i ve been waiting for the other shoe to fall waiting to see if it stuck waiting to see if it was ectopic waiting to see if it was viable and now waiting to begin testing for down syndrome since that s what logan had we do that on thursday and i love the ignorant people who like to try to reassure me that having a child with down syndrome can be a very rewarding experience seriously first of all who would want that for their child and secondly the average person has no clue about what having ds entails how horribly painful it can be for a child if that child is ever even born since 75 of them die before birth most die before their 1st birthday a child who makes it past 5 is rare and lucky don t preach at me about having a child with down syndrome i know full well what it entails down to every gory detail that i could find in print that rare door greeter or mcdonald s employee you see out and about on occasion they re the exception to the rule they re the mild cases no i fear ds as much as i fear another dead child if not more because for me they are one in the same this is it for me my last hurrah at almost 36 april if this child dies and if i wait the recommended year to grieve and if i managed to talk my husband into it again he d more likely try to snuff me out and if i managed to conceive quickly i d still be 38 before that baby would be born and after having my first ds baby at 31 well i think the doctors would call me crazy for doing it again i know what my odds are of having another baby with ds they re not great i wouldn t risk it at 38 so this means living or not this is my last child which brings me full circle back to the issue of time it crept by while i was living and then weeping and one day i woke up and realized i d missed my opportunity but i still feel like i m 19 it was just the other day i swear in the end i realize that if this baby makes it healthy and living i ll think that all of this fear and worry was worth every penny of it i ve had a living child i know what is coming my way and how i felt when she was born i know that i d do it all over again but i also know how wrong it can go how unexpectedly and how quickly and how late in a pregnancy i know that there are thousands of things that can go wrong between now and august i know how fragile life is and how it is not a guarantee no matter how much you pray and beg and hope and think happy thoughts sometimes it just happens and there s never a good reason for it so right now i m so deep in a fog that i can t see past the fear and anxiety i can t picture this baby any more than i could logan or rudy have you experienced a subsequent pregnancy what was that like for you is the price too much posted by heather on wednesday july 11 2012 labels anger anxiety david depression downs syndrome ectopic family issues freaking out grief infant death infant loss life the way it is now logan pregnancy rudy comments 3 life is both pain and pleasure if this is the price you must pay for the hours you enjoy is it too much paolini eldest we are ttc again in february my dh quietly and with an overwhelming look of fear in his eyes relented i won i guess if being granted the right to proceed into horrifying territory where monsters lurk waiting to trample our hearts again can be considered a win i thought i d be happier i thought i knew what i wanted i thought i had it all figured out and under control you see though now that the reigns have been passed to me i am frozen with fear how much of a price am i willing to pay to find that elusive happy place how much am i willing to sacrifice to forgo who am i willing to sacrifice myself absolutely not a question i d do it again and again and again been there done that survived twice if you can consider what i ve done as surviving i didn t off myself so i know that in the end if i get a healthy living baby its all worth it but what if a hundred die and not one ever lives again what if the child is so ill that i find myself wishing that the baby would have died gasp but in reality i know that my two dead babies never suffered never felt pain is not my wish for their life even with horrific handicaps and deformations pure selfishness i struggle with this notion but i have learned to disconnect myself from the reality of the horrors my husband not so much then there is the muffin to consider now how will by daughter who is 4 1 2 handle another dead sibling she knows of the other two it affects her more than i like to admit she mourns for them cries for them misses them she knows they should be here and she knows she should have living siblings to fight with and to play with she knows of the still birth of another very close friend s child she was 3 1 2 when he died she cried i believe she understood am i willing to put her through another trauma because maybe just maybe this one will work out most days i feel like a selfish bitch this past cycle was our first try immediately i got sick i had a fever for 3 days i was freaked a week later my daughter breaks out in this weird rash molluscum is going around it can last for 4 years i freaked again freaked so bad that i had my baby biopsied the spots have faded molluscum doesn t do that the derm is almost certain it was an allergic response almost so i m still freaked yesterday i started my cycle 3 negative pregnancy tests later and one day early and get this i was relieved relieved what and i wonder do i really want another baby or do i just want control over the decision was that the bigger issue that i didn t have control over whether there would be another baby or not am i ready for sleepless nights screaming diapers and toddlerhood all over again with the muffin knocking on the door of five we are finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel the old argument that she needs a playmate is invalid at this point its been too long the gap too wide they will not be playmates but i stand firm that people need siblings i have 6 they need someone to go complain to about their parents and who better to understand than a sibling they need someone they can turn to when they don t feel like they can turn to friends or parents they need someone to have when we are dead and gone and yet some siblings hate each other some siblings rarely speak and are like strangers passing bye some siblings die earlier than their parents my argument is losing its water this is it my husband said he can t do it again after this frankly i wouldn t put him through it a 4th time anyhow so if we don t naturally conceive and soon or if another baby dies i m done we re done my dh seems to be in a constant state of panic making babies isn t the innocent fun it used to be fear lays there in the bed next to you stares at you from the corner of the room anxiety screaming in your ear its a wonder either of us can even perform sexy eh romantic eh no its not its terrifying when you take that leap of faith its terrifying when you put yourself out there on the limb again waiting to be knocked off of it again waiting for what surely must be the inevitable outsiders don t get that try again surely it won t happen again surely but we know don t we how many of us have lost multiple times too many to count but the outsiders like their ignorance and why shouldn t they but its huge and its scary and each day of those two weeks are spent in a constant state of anxiety am i could this be it please god let me keep this one the turmoil and anxiety that engulfs us during those two weeks of not knowing is insane then the huge let down when we are not the weird twisted and conflicting emotions if we are yeah its scary you see even though this is our first official cycle ttc there have been a few other times times when i prayed one way and he prayed another times when i tried to hide the anger and frustration and disappointment while he tried to hide his relief how are we a comfort to each other luckily i am married to a patient understanding man luckily he can put aside his fears and comfort me in my disappointment because even though he desperately does not want to go through this again he wants me to have a shot at happiness or at least contentment though we all know one living baby just does not replace the dead one if only it were that easy how high of a price are you willing to pay how many dead babies can you suffer in the end is all of the anxiety worth it have you had another child post dead baby what did you do if you and your spouse were on separate pages or even books waiting for the other shoe to drop posted by heather on wednesday april 18 2012 labels anxiety aubrey freaking out comments 4 do you fear the death of your living children i feel stupid crazy weird odd admitting this but i do it s like i m waiting for the other shoe to drop and this week it s beating me down next week my four year old my only living child my first child my real fluke it would seem is having her adenoids removed i know i know simple common no big deal no big deal i suppose if you ve never held your dead child i m not even allowed to voice my anxiety over her looming surgery because no one gets my fear and frankly i m tired of the looks and i m tired ot the arguments that are supposed to win me over you see its not that i m afraid of the surgery in and of itself i think the doctor is great he s a pro he ll do a great job but what if she doesn t wake up from anesthesia what if she gets mrsa or some other horrible disease while at the surgery center what if we find out the hard way she s allergic to some med like her grandfather who had his heart stop during back surgery due to demerol though the doctors assure me this is not hereditary but what if it is and then to add to my anxiety a fellow blm sent me an article on this genetic mutation that causes children to over metabolize morphine causing an overdose and death you can freak yourself out if you want and read it here on baby center so freak concerned mother that i am i called the doctor and asked the nurse to ask him if he s heard of this and can she have something else you know just in case shockingly he called me back and left a message yes he s heard of it and yes they can prescribe something else call him back if i have any other concerns nice of him he probably rolled his eyes and cursed google i bet doctors hate moms who call all freaked out about something rare they read on the internet i try to not be one of those mom s but i couldn t help myself this time and then today today aubrey fell and smacked her mouth on the wood floor people her head bounced and i tried to be all cool shaking like a leaf and trying not to pass out because though blood doesn t freak me out her blood does while comforting her and cleaning up the blood and praying that she still had teeth below all of that blood and i spent the entire day running her around first stop pedi does she needs stitches we don t stitch no kidding but you d know if she needs stitches so clue me in could use a stitch but better to not traumatize her ok great let s get ice cream two hours later its still bleeding run into nurse what do you think needs a stitch or two shouldn t keep bleeding go home call mil she looks nah put wet bread on it what seriously you should take her to dentist since she is complaining that her teeth hurt ok went to dentist dd has a mini melt down and won t allow xray weird but ok exam looks ok don t stitch sigh good but she has several cavities what sigh i need a margarita went for a walk instead you see i know that i m a freak i get that i don t live in denial about my irrational fear but today i felt like a bad mom and not because she hurt herself hey it was sad and i felt bad for her but these things happen no i felt like a bad parent because all day i was terrified that this was the beginning of some hideous end to her little life that this innocuous fall damaged her brain which isn t that far out since the poor kid had a concussion at 3 from what seemed like a minor bump to the head and i wasn t even aware of it that the gaping wound in her mouth would fester and introduce some hideous form of bacteria that i can t pronounce much less spell that if nothing els...
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