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Text of the page (random words):
a skeeter on my peter and i think it s gonna eat er there s a skeeter on my peter knock it off mother s friend arrived and we met up with her at the first tee and the cackling commenced i have no idea what they talked about grownup smut i imagine secret words were spoken in hushed tones or mouthed behind a palm or spelled out i had my own smut a song with the word peter in it and i was careful not to sing it so the grownups could hear they had their smut i had mine so there it was still early the dew had yet to burn off and sounds carried with extra crispness there wasn t another player in sight we had the course all to ourselves later around noon the first tee would be abuzz with banter and bullshit it was the one place where you met up with the foursomes in front of and behind you bets were placed jokes were told and gossip was whispered it was a regular party years later i would overhear something amongst the bantering that i never forgot it was to me a poetic condensation of middle class w a s p america it was sort of like a norman rockwell painting but in words the day was a sunday noonish the mood on the first tee roguish the main rogues were three elder golfers known to all as characters their fourth was late he was always late for one reason or another and his three friends were making sure the rest of us knew all about it jovially of course and then there he was rolling down his window as he pulled his car to a stop on the road next to the tee his three buddies let out a scolding whoop and demanded to know where the hell he d been where do you think i ve been he snapped back at them i was at church you goddamn atheists it was irony with a twisting groin kick art there s a skeeter on my peter knock it off i m pretty sure mom s friend was insane one day as i was eavesdropping on her and some of mom s other friends yes i eavesdropped it was one of my great talents as a child i overheard them whispering about using preparation h on their faces to tighten the skin they were saying how it was like a facelift without an operation that night after doing research at the dinner table by asking my parents a few cryptic questions i decided my mom s friends were completely nuts the next day i saw the group at their usual table engaged in their usual whispers as i walked past them i sucked in my cheeks so that my mouth formed a tight little anus shape my eyes popped out a bit as i was exiting through the door still puckered up tight i heard one of them say what a strange boy there s a skeeter on my peter knock it off the first couple of holes all i could think about was getting to the swimming pool i wanted to get there before anyone else so i could pretend to be james bond in peace that s right bond james bond in particular the bond of the movie thunderball i would put my exceptional imagination to work and swim amongst the sharks in largo s pool something much easier to imagine without little legs dangling under donut shaped tubes with horsey heads anyway crowd or no crowd i would look like sean connery the women would all swoon i would be brave handsome dashing and my gun would have a silencer actually and i don t mean to brag yes i do i was quite the swimmer i could hold my breath for an extraordinary length of time and i was damn near impossible to drown i know this to be true because i overheard the lifeguard tell my mother one day that his considerable efforts to drown me had remained unsuccessful i thought at the time it was a strange thing for a lifeguard to be confessing to a mother but she didn t seem the least bit surprised or upset in fact she laughed at the confession indeed i needed to keep an eye on that woman but i probably deserved it i tended to be a nuisance i would search for ways to make the lifeguard chase me and i usually found them for example i would watch patiently while he methodically applied coppertone and nose cream and when i saw he was satisfied that he had covered every exposed piece of skin i would hurl a bucket of water on him freezing water i had retrieved from the baby pool water pumped directly from the arctic two to five minutes later depending on how successful i was at eluding capture i would end up on all fours by the side of the pool expelling chlorinated water from my lungs gasping for life then i would look for my next opportunity to irritate him or some other victim and the process would be repeated it s amazing that i survived childhood weeeeeelllllllll slap it on the keester and it won t be such a bleeder there s a skeeter on my peter knock it off ah the pool i do have some good memories of the pool my favorite memory marks a major milestone in my life it was the first time i was ever slapped by a woman well the first time i was ever slapped by a woman other than my mother i look back on that slap fondly because it was entirely worth it i earned it with an act of cunning and bravery and i wore it with honor perhaps i should explain i had been told that she who slapped me was the homecoming queen i was too young to know what a homecoming queen was but she was stunningly pretty and looking upon her i acquired a deep respect for royalty every day i hoped she would grace us with her presence at the pool and i always felt rewarded when she did let me keep it simple and say that she was constructed specifically with the bikini in mind she was probably born wearing one she had a smooth buttery belly and lonnnnnnng legs set apart by a space wide enough to park a buick she looked like a very young cheryl tiegs looking at her made my teeth hurt she liked to hang on the side of the pool and dangle there for long periods of time i knew why she did this and why she picked the same spot to do it that was where a jet of perpetual water was emitted from a hole on the side of the pool the hole was precisely matched up with the did i say wide space between her legs that s right and she wasn t fooling me because i had long before discovered the joys of that hole i had even contemplated inserting myself into that hole but it was kind of small and i didn t want a repeat of a certain incident with a hoover vacuum cleaner explaining to the lifeguard why i was affixed to the side of the pool was not a place i wanted to go oh he would ve loved that there s a skeeter on my peter knock it off i was enthralled nay obsessed with the space between her legs i wished she would sit stand or lie still so i could adjust the focus of my eyes and study it in earnest she was seldom still though the only time she wasn t in motion was when she was hanging on the side of the pool in front of the water jet i tried to take advantage i swam up from behind her underwater like a submarine the picture of stealth and feasted my eyes the space between her legs was indeed er spacious and the bikini s crotch rippled and pulsated under the force of the water jet i wanted to reach out and touch if i could just feel i swallowed some water and almost drowned as i sat on the opposite side of the pool and recovered i came up with a plan i would start a series of underwater laps starting about ten feet from the bikini this would not be suspicious since everyone knew that i always did my swimming underwater i would end each lap a little closer to the bikini until finally my hand would brush up against heaven just before touching the wall i walked around the pool and sat on the edge at the planned starting point with a splash i began my first lap i finished it about eight feet from the bikini two feet closer and came up with a splash loudly and dramatically sucking in air yes notice me bikini i am doing laps quite innocent here just doing my laps seeing how long i can hold my breath nothing to worry about over here just a doin my laps i started my second lap then my third each lap i veered a little to the right like a guy with one leg shorter than the other veers when he walks by the fourth lap i was almost there this next one would land me in paradise i was nervous the anticipation was making it more and more difficult to hold my breath i began my fifth lap my heart was beating like the climax of the jaws theme it wouldn t be long now i could see her and the space coming into focus i lined myself up i would let the back of my fingers and hand brush up against it i needed to concentrate the moment would be brief i wanted to savor it almost there here it came what i didn t expect was for her to jump so violently at the first moment of contact she shot straight up and simultaneously performed something like a pirouette she did this with such suddenness and force that i m lucky it didn t snap my arm clean in two instead it flipped me around as if she d performed a judo move after regaining my bearings i surfaced i had no choice in the matter the combination of swimming for such a distance underwater and then being pummeled in a judo exhibition had left me bereft of air unfortunately when i surfaced i was within striking distance of one very pissed off bikini clad homecoming queen and slap she did she also called me a name but my ears were ringing too loud to make it out i m sure it was apt i put on my best what did i do look and feigned innocence and backpedalled i worked hard to hide my elation but i admit it was difficult my hand had tasted ambrosia i looked at it with awe and envy from that moment forth or at least until puberty i held the back of my right hand in the highest esteem by the way there s a skeeter on my peter knock it off we were now at the pavilion the pavilion was where the 5 th and 8 th greens and the 6 th and 9 th tees all came together for a party that was because holes 6 7 and 8 formed a triangle that started and ended at the pavilion there were two things worth noting about the pavilion it had a concession that made the best damn hamburgers you ever did taste and it had one of those old fashioned hand operated water pumps that delivered cold and delicious well water regardless of how unbearably hot the days got on this morning the concession hadn t opened yet besides it was too early for hamburgers no matter how mouthwatering they were but i can t stress the word mouthwatering enough half a cow i think cooked over a charcoal grill people s scores generally got higher on the holes immediately following the pavilion though this may have been mostly due to the beer that the concession also sold on the other hand it is hard to swing a golf club with a half a cow inside you anyway none of that mattered on this morning because like i said it hadn t opened yet the water pump on the other hand was always open working the pump handle was one of the highlights of my young life i would pump water for all the grownups they would thank me it made me feel important i was the pump master however i couldn t pump the water for myself my arms weren t long enough or strong enough and this proved to be a source of entertainment for all the adults including i am sorry to say my mother and father the traitors i would push the handle down sending a gush of water pouring forth but by the time i had run around to take a drink it had petered out if i was lucky i got a drop or two and oh the adults thought this was so funny they all stood around refreshed because while i was pumping for them they were drinking and splashing their faces but would any of them offer to help me no it seemed much more fun to slap their thighs and belly laugh i hated them all i put it to you this is why children are not allowed to purchase firearms finally once i had given them a good show one of them would come and give me a hand thank you you jerk i would say and think then one day we found that the greenskeeper had chained one of those long handled dippers to the pump once again i played the role of pump master and they played the role of bunch of assholes but on that day a new character was introduced to the play and his name was vengeance vengeance let them have a few laughs he even praised them for being able to find humor in his misfortune then he surprised them by finding a way to fill the dipper and in one fluid motion he slung it gracefully at the all of a sudden not laughing bunch of assholes then he slapped his thigh and did a belly laugh speaking of which there s some jelly on my belly lick it off there s some jelly on my belly lick it off someone spilled some smucker s so on your knees you fuckers there s some jelly on my belly lick it off okay i didn t really sing that verse i made that one up just now but the skeeter song was driving me mad and i started looking for ways to change it up what i really wanted was to stop stop singing i tried i was determined to think of something else and forget the song but before i knew it i heard myself singing it again while thinking about that something else my mother and her friend almost caught me a couple of times i thought of switching to a limerick there once was a man from nantucket whose dick was so long he could wait hardly an improvement okay how about there once was a woman from azores whose cunt was infested with nope even worse jeez us where did us kids get these things if our parents had any idea the things we learned at school they d never let us out of the house of course i learned some pretty naughty things at the golf course too in fact we were now on the 7 th hole where later when i was twelve i would learn something very naughty indeed around the time i turned ten i started spending more time playing golf than i did playing james bond at the pool most of the boys i played with were older they tolerated me with equanimity and to my defense i was almost as good as they were so it wasn t like i was holding them up or anything but it was clear i wasn t accepted as a complete equal i knew this because i wasn t allowed to join their conversations about girls and when i asked them to explain some of the words or phrases they used in those conversations they would reply with none of your business numbnuts or someday you ll figure it out numbnuts and that s another thing they all had names and i was numbnuts i wasn t entirely sure what numbnuts meant but i was pretty sure it wasn t flattering and then there was the mystery of the 7 th hole the 7 th hole was the hole farthest away from the clubhouse out in the boonies and a dense wood sidled up against the left side of the fairway the older boys would often disappear into the wood together and tell me to wait for them on the green they told me they were looking for balls you know balls people had hit out of bounds into the woods and couldn t find but it seemed to me that they never found many balls for all the time they spent looking i began to suspect they were sneaking smokes back in there if i had known what marijuana was at that age i would have suspected that s what they were puffing anyway it was all very suspicious and i was never allowed to go with them to see for myself what was going on when i asked why i had to wait on the green the...