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d this blog as a way to oraganize my thoughts quiet my inner monologue and maybe help some people who are going through the tough times monday june 2 2014 over the rainbow today is 5 years since i started this blog 5 years 2 weeks and 1 day since that terrible day in 2009 5 years 4 months 3 weeks and 2 days since my first miscarriage it s also 4 years 2 weeks and 0 days since the birth of w 1 year 7 months 3 weeks and 3 days since my last miscarriage 9 months 3 weeks and 5 days since baby b was born i think it s safe to say that our story has a happy ending we are done having kids and are in the process of making that final i know there are no guarantees in life but my journey through pregnancies and miscarriages is over i will not have another miscarriage my mom said to me a while ago aren t you relieved you don t have to go through that again and i am this is the end of my blog i m leaving it up but this isn t a mommy blog obviously the last update is baby b s birth my boys are happy and healthy and funny and sweet i have a charmed life now almost every night i tell w how much i love him it s like a mantra that i whisper to him at bedtime he has started asking me about it as only a 4 year old can what if you didn t have me mommy would you still love me what if you had another little boy would you love him how do you answer that i almost didn t have you i almost had a different little boy i would love him very very much i wouldn t have known about you i tell him that i think he is amazing and i m grateful to be his mommy i ll always love him no matter what even though the journey was filled with terrible days and weeks and months i wouldn t change it i m lucky to have some through on the other side thank you for being there for me posted by cheryllookingforward at 10 51 am 2 comments sunday september 8 2013 baby b s birth story we took w to daycare as usual that morning he knew we were having the baby that day but nothing seemed out of the ordinary to him my mom spent the night and that had w excited i cried when we said goodbye to him it was the last time i would see him as my little baby boy we got to the hospital at 8 i checked in at the front desk and the offered to take me up in a wheelchair i declined i wasn t having any kinds of contractions or anything i felt wonderful it seemed quiet in labor and delivery i went back to a pre op monitoring room it had 3 beds and was completely different from the standard labor room i changed my clothes and got into my bed they hooked me up to the regular baby monitor and contraction monitor i wasn t having any contractions the baby s heart rate was around 130 but it would go as high as 160 when it moved around which was happening a lot i felt pretty calm i had an excited feeling but i really couldn t believe that in just a few hours we would have a baby i also couldn t believe that in just a few hours i would be laying on a bed unable to move for several days it s weird to just walk into a situation like that when technically there is nothing wrong with you i had my iv put in the first try was a bust so it ended up in the side of my hand and then i remembered to tell the nurse about my cord blood donation kit i needed to get some blood drawn for that and i was upset that i didn t remember that i needed it when they were first drawing blood i had lots of people come in to talk to me including the anesthesiologist the pa and a few nurses i had to drink the gross drink it looked like i was drinking something from a k cup and it was just as gross as i remembered m s parents arrived at the hospital and he went out to see them and let them know how things were going time went pretty fast in the pre op room the doctor came in to see me and we talked about the surgery she offered to check my cervix before we went in but i didn t want to do it it would be uncomfortable and wouldn t change what we were about to do she agreed she said that if i was having contractions she would check and possible even see if they could get labor started by breaking my water but nothing was going on with me m got dressed in scrubs that were 100 times too big for him i went into the or at 10 05 i walked there by myself m had to stay in the pre op room the nurses helped me sit up on the table and i leaned over for the spinal block the block is just one shot into your spine that will numb you for several hours it is totally different from the epidural it also took a while to get set up the anesthesiologist had a student with him and she spent a long time trying to find the exact right spot i felt lots of tapping on my back i also heard a lot of teaching i started to get nervous because i had a student do my epidural with w and that one didn t work out too well especially in the or but then the doctor took over first they injected me with something to numb my back that stung it was like an electric impulse up my spine i felt that a few times i didn t feel the actual shot after that the nurses helped me lay down and they started with all the prep my arms were strapped down i had monitors placed on my chest and some sort of monitor on my forehead perhaps temperature i got some oxygen too i could slowly feel that my legs were going numb a billion people or 8 10 came into the room without me really caring i was just waiting for m i kept looking at the door he finally came in and sat next to me the anesthesiologist started asking me questions like did you feel that and i said no apparently the doctor had just pinched me with all her might i was thrilled that i couldn t feel it because i had felt it with my first c section the surgery started and i didn t really notice we listened to them talk but mostly m and i just looked at each other we couldn t really understand what the doctors were talking about i eventually heard them say clear fluid and i started to get very excited then i heard them say big baby and double nuchal then they told me i would feel pressure someone pressed on the top of my belly and then i heard the cry i couldn t stop crying they held the baby up and everyone was shouting it s a boy i could only see the bottom half of him and he was definitely a boy m went over to look at him and take pictures while i laid there and cried some more i heard them say his apgars were 9 and 9 m brought the camera to show me pictures we were thrilled that he had a perfect little amount of hair we finally said his name out loud and it fit him perfectly m got to hold him after about 10 minutes we spent the rest of the surgery just looking at him and taking pictures i couldn t feel much of the sewing up it felt like someone was running their fingers up and down the sides of my body i felt nothing in the middle then we heard them counting supplies like pieces of gauze and knew it was almost over i got moved to my new bed m placed baby b in my arms and we were wheeled back into the pre op room m went to get our parents the nurses told me it was a good time to try to nurse the little guy latched on like a pro it didn t last long though soon the grandmothers came rushing in mil said immediately it s a boy she said he looked so much like w that she knew right away they both held him and cried then my dad showed up unexpectedly he told us all he would be down in the afternoon i was happy to see him earlier while they were taking in the baby the nurses pushed on my belly and did a few more checks on things the doctor came in to see me she said that everything went very well i thanked her then she told me that the cord had been wrapped around baby b s neck twice that was what she was saying when we heard double nuchal it might have been fine but it also might have meant that he never would have descended properly and we very easily could have ended up in the or after labor anyway i think that may be the reason he never really dropped at some point i had baby b back and the nursery came in to take him away for his bath and all the official stuff they need to do i asked for 15 more minutes so i could try to nurse him again this time we had some calm in the room and he did a good job they came to take him and we waited in the prep room for my post partum room some notes from post partum in recovery i had blood oxygen monitor on my toe and the iv in the side of my hand i also had on the compression boots my catheter bag was hanging from the side of my bed they eventually moved the oxygen monitor to my left pointer finger it was a lot going on i asked every time i saw a nurse when that stuff would be gone the boots were gone the next morning same with the oxygen monitor the iv came out after i was up and moving around the port didn t come out until after i saw my doctor and asked to have it removed the catheter came out after about 24 hours our first baby nurse was amazing it took a very long time for baby b to come back from the nursery when he finally got back to our room the baby nurse kindly told them all that she needed us alone for a few minutes she told us that she does that for everyone she settled baby b with me and got us nursing again she talked to us briefly about the nursery and said when she would be back to get him around 11 pm then she just waited until we were ready for the family before she left that was really nice i would have had a hard time telling everyone they had to leave so we could try nursing but it was exactly what we needed one thing that didn t happen before as i nursed i could feel the little contractions i also had gushes of blood as soon as he latched on that made me feel pretty good about myself at least my body seemed to cooperate with nursing the nurses leave you alone a lot more when it is your second baby my nurse came in every 3 hours during the day and vital signs came in every so often but they only came when i called them at night every time i would see the night nurse she would say call me when you wake up and she would do medicine and vital signs at the same time that made our sleep so much better we also would call the nursery after we fed the baby they weighed all the babies at midnight so when we woke up around then we would nurse and then call them to come get him i was moving around and out of bed so much faster this time i didn t have any trauma down there so peeing was no problem i had my mil bring me an activia yogurt every day and i didn t eat anything that would stop me up m brought me fruit from the cafeteria i pooped while i was still in the hospital i was so excited i called my mom we had some issues with my milk coming in i expected that because it happened last time i started asking for a supplemental nursing system when i noticed the signs baby b was crying after nursing and still rooting he also wasn t peeing very much also i knew i didn t have any milk in there the nurse gave me a hard time they kept saying c section moms take longer to get their milk meanwhile my baby was hungry and getting dehyrated i kept insisting they bring the sns into the room so we could use it overnight without having to wait for a nurse to bring it this was around dinner time eventually they agreed we used it once and he drank about 10 ml and was a much happier baby when he went back for his midnight weight check they told us that he had lost 10 of his weight and we should continue with the sns i wanted to scream at them no shit i don t understand the reasoning c section moms take longer to get their milk so your baby has to be hungry do they tell formula feeding moms to give their babies empty bottles do they tell natural birth moms to just not feed their baby no so i got pissed off but not as bad as we did with w s nurses because we knew what we needed and we stood up for ourselves and we had much more sleep i ended up staying in the hospital for the full 4 nights we were ready to go on saturday b had his discharge papers and we were just waiting for me the nurse came in to take one last set of vitals and my blood pressure was super high like 140 100 i m usually at 118 70 i rested and laid down and thought calm thoughts and they took it again still high so i had blood taken and my doctor told me we had to stay another night i had signs of pre enclampsia i didn t know you could that after birth i was afraid because the only cure is to birth the baby and i already did that turns out i just had to be on blood pressure medication staying in the hospital so long was not as bad as last time because we were left alone so much the sleeping wasn t great and m hated sleeping in the fold out chair however this time i was missing w he spent the entire time with his grandparents it was hard for him to come and see us in the hospital he would get really hyper and we could tell he was afraid we think he thought we abandoned him i missed him so much an hour a day with him was just not enough it seemed like i was crying whenever i was alone that worried the nurses but once i explained they understood he recently spent the night at mil s and asked me if we were going back to the hospital recovery was both easier and harder i was more rested so everything went quicker i was able to shower by myself although my mom was right there with me walking around happened faster i did still have a lot of pain the worst was in the evening of the second day my nurse was checking the size of my uterus and i just screamed out in pain i was also very tired i barely slept at all the first night at home i had my mom get me an abdominal binder the belly is worse than last time it is floppy and bigger and just hanging out there i had back pain for a long time and i couldn t walk far without a rest the binder was a huge help i wore it for about 3 weeks not while sitting or sleeping i slept with towels supporting my back and my jelly belly for a week then i kept sleeping with a towel holding up my belly for another 2 weeks my milk came in around day 6 i used the sns until then when the milk came in i caught a glimpse of myself in our huge bathroom mirror it was scary i had my steri strips from the surgery my gross jelly belly and two huge boobs that were kind of blue i also couldn t really stand up straight i looked and felt terrible i cried now i am doing well baby b is a great sleeper although my boobs have not adjusted to him sleeping longer at night w is adjusting pretty well he s sitting next to me now and cuddling i still have the stupid jelly belly but it is getting firmer and i need to keep reminding myself that it has only been a few weeks i started pumping at 3 weeks and we gave b his first bottle he did really well posted by cheryllookingforward at 8 11 am 4 comments wednesday august 7 2013 it s a boy our little man is here absolutely perfect the surgery went smoothly and he s sleeping on my chest now he s not too into breast feeding but we ll keep trying no worries yet 7 lb 14 oz 19 5 in long and a fuzzy little head posted by cheryllookingforward at 6 21 pm 6 comments tuesday august 6 2013 one more wake up i ...