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audrey michal audrey michal friday march 07 2025 how it started the first time i saw kevin was when he was teaching sunday school the week before i began college he was almost 23 and i was 18 now let me say this i do not nor have i ever believed in love at first sight soul mates or fate and yet when kevin opened his lesson with a corny joke i just knew the closest i can come to describing the sensation was someone made something special just for me and was watching with pride and expectancy to see my reaction a spiritual ta da like some divine valet was awaiting my approval a wordless eager question in my mind so what do you think and i thought it was good posted by audrey michal at 5 46 pm no comments saturday september 21 2024 falling for jared i am in school now and have shifted my time away from blogging to more productive things but i feel like i cannot leave off where i did there was more left unsaid that ought to be grouped with the theme at hand if i am going to be looking back at old journals at old regrets and old feelings then there is one person who is missing i haven t written about jared jared was casually charming in fact he was casual in just about everything i see him in flip flops and khakis singing along to spanish songs or old country in his decrepit red car he was tall dark and casually handsome but far too un brooding for romantic inclinations he was always involved in every activity the laid back center of the ward social circles or maybe just mine this was the year 2007 austin after i d dropped out of byu to follow kevin initially i was dating kevin and that drama took up most of my time and focus and for a while that spring jared was dating a girl in our ward i don t even know how long or how serious it was but i was jealous and anxiously denying it even still jared pops up by name in my journal when kevin couldn t pick me up from the bus station jared was there when i struggled to make it to activities or church or institute he was there when i needed anything he was there and kevin wasn t but jared was everybody s hero he would drop anything to help anyone any time i remember once him driving three hours to help a complete stranger a friend of a friend of a friend whose car had broken down jared was a protector that s why i never took to heart any of his thereness or tried not to i knew it meant more to me than to him he charmed everyone a general favorite among the fairer sex and i tried very hard to resist nevertheless i talked of him nonstop ted emilie and bryan all heard of him during our catching up phone calls they loved him for me one problem however was that my friends in texas also loved him just not for me vivian and elizabeth both had crushes on him it was bryan all over again jared even took me with him to meet with other girls as i had a boyfriend and was thus safe jared was the reason that i broke up with kevin not that i was choosing jared over him because again i didn t think i had that option but because jared had been there for me through those horrible months of adjusting to a strange place with no job and no friends while kevin had not jared knew how my day had been how work was going what we would do that night i talked to kevin rarely and saw him even less i chose my friendship with jared over my dating relationship with kevin and once i was single jared began to show romantic interest he took me out the very night that i told him in fact the most memorable was when he took me to the movies on the way to our seats he turned and pushed me against the wall i waited breathless for him to kiss me terrified to be the one to make the move frozen and waiting and hoping and then he stepped back and we watched the film in friendly casualness like nothing had happened but that wasn t the end when we drove he would rest his arm on the back on of my chair hand on my neck fingers in my hair he took me to the movies and to dinner danced with me in the grocery store drove me to every activity we d sit in his car and talk for hours he told me i was beautiful and fun and that he always enjoyed being around me he would wait until we were alone and then lean in close as though to kiss me but every time he backed away i thought he was teasing but i wanted so badly for him to mean it i was so in love with that boy he took me to play ultimate frisbee and won my heart with his gallantry he dressed up for the twenties themed party and looked at me like i was the only one in the room he got me to sing karaoke and play volleyball he selected a bollywood film to watch on a night in he was fun he was perfect he asked me once when i would ask him out i told him that he had to ask me but nothing ever happened and i don t know why i once asked him straight out where i stood with him but he refused to answer he also wouldn t answer what response he was hoping for when he pretended he was going to kiss me he told me on multiple occasions that he wanted to kiss me to which i replied so do it but then he d tell me i should be dating other people making me promise not to kiss him unless we were dating officially he d joke about finding a dark corner but he never asked me out so despite his flirting like crazy i never knew where i stood with him i stayed in austin instead of returning to school and jared helped me move to my new apartment he came over for dinner and cake and chick flicks but he never asked me out he told me i was limiting myself then he just kind of disappeared from my life and my journal months later i ended up going back to kevin but when i moved away in december saying goodbye to jared was tender and gut wrenching he came to visit me when i was in provo he told me that he was looking for a wife someone who looked like an elf he said i thought he meant me he had made such comments on my ears before he came that night to my house to play games with me and my sisters and i texted him under the table i asked why he never asked me out because you were in love with kevin he said i saw no point i tried to correct his understanding as we sat out on my porch in the dark but i guess he still saw no point because he never made a move i was heartbroken jared met my moving truck when i went back to austin but so did kevin jared started dating andria and got engaged before i did i cried with jealousy even being with kevin i hated that jared was with someone else when i look back on my life there are three people who romantically were influential parts of my life apart from kevin bryan jon and jared with bryan if anything had been different between us it would have played out one of two ways we would have either continued on best friends for two more months or possibly dated and broken up just as i did with kevin though i might have healed and grown more as a person sooner things between the two of us would have continued on after in the same trajectory and be the same today with jon i mostly see the life that i wanted the big family the adventures the adoration i am envious of that life but i am not jealous i was not in love with jon i doubt any of that life would have been mine had i continued to date him i might have learned to better communicate but we also might have ended up in a ted and emilie drama of being unable to stay together or apart we wouldn t be friends today but my life would be the same jared on the other hand would have changed my life not kissing him when he pushed me against the carpeted wall of the movie theater is one of my life s regrets i feel like who i am and where i am have hinged on that moment i don t know what would have happened if we had kissed but i know it is not what has happened i would have stayed in austin for him i would have followed him to the ends of the earth had he wanted me my life would have gone up in flames and i would have been the one holding the match but he never wanted me posted by audrey michal at 1 26 pm no comments wednesday august 14 2024 posted by audrey michal at 8 53 pm no comments friday august 09 2024 good news i was given a scholarship to nursing school posted by audrey michal at 9 54 am no comments sunday july 28 2024 resolution there is no problem in life but complaining about it makes it worse time to just pull up my big girl pants and fix myself posted by audrey michal at 9 10 pm no comments think of me emmy rossum andrew lloyd webber s the phantom of the op posted by audrey michal at 9 45 am no comments reaching out eventually you realize that you are the only one instigating interaction the only one starting conversations no matter how politely the other party responds no matter how friendly the level of friendship is not reciprocated there is no reaching back on their part they are not thinking of you missing you wishing for more of a relationship i have tried to revitalize some friendships recently in light of my trip to provo tried to create some sort of casual message relationship like i have with my siblings like hey i saw this funny thing you d like and i had a weird dream where you were nph and only half facetious when will you come visit me etc ted and tarythe have taken up the new dynamic eagerly replying and reciprocating and i feel more a part of their lives others no so much and i need to get the hint and leave them alone posted by audrey michal at 9 37 am no comments saturday july 27 2024 john denver rocky mountain high from the wildlife concert posted by audrey michal at 9 43 pm no comments family vacation i just spent most of a week with most of my siblings up in a mountain cabin for days my kids ran wild with cousins in pine forests climbing on boulders we did a couple planned activities such as our yearly horseback riding but mostly it was wild in the most wholesome sense of the word posted by audrey michal at 6 30 pm no comments 17 days it has been seventeen days since i sent the latest chapters to the editor the fact that i haven t heard back is freaking me out posted by audrey michal at 5 14 pm no comments friday july 26 2024 taylor swift anti hero official music video posted by audrey michal at 9 15 pm no comments mostly fine this is how i ve chosen to illustrate the states of my marriage i am the blue circles on the left and kevin is the yellow ones on the right the size of the circle represents the individual state of being from struggling out to thriving kevin is most often in his middle circle maybe 90 of the time i vacillate more spending time in each and with my vacillation comes fluctuation in our marital happiness when i am struggling our circles do not overlap there is no marriage really no connection kevin is fine and i am not there is no support given or received if i need something i need to look outside my marriage for the strength to get me through when both of us are fine which is the majority of the time then our circles also overlap in the light green we re fine our marriage is adequate so if i am doing well then our marriage is pretty good it s not really that our relationship has changed but that i am more fulfilled in and of myself and thus require less from him when we are both thriving both our best selves then our marriage falls in the dark green as i said kevin rarely leaves his contented central circle but this has happened on a handful of vacations it is enough to keep me hoping for something better and more fulfilling than we have hope can be a two edged sword however as it also lessens my satisfaction with anything less for a few months kevin and i were both struggling we re better now we re both doing fine and thus our marriage is adequate friendly supportive respectful it is not the type of marriage that i want not intimate companionship but it is still a functional partnership not the type of marriage he or i could ever justify leaving we get by and we ve accepted that and i don t know given our different desires for emotional intimacy and different goals for life how we can ever sustain anything better than fine posted by audrey michal at 6 09 pm no comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom my blog list this fish needs a bicycle delulu til it s trulu 3 months ago reliable informant guest post 7 years ago incompletely brilliant if i had a billion dollars 12 years ago captain geech and the shrimp shack shooters michael and jesus birthday 12 years ago emilie s blog june 7 2013 day 1 in kenya 12 years ago aka t the bright side 14 years ago just another day in paradise kenya 2011 14 years ago our family memories graduation day for josh 14 years ago chicken dust love 16 years ago justin and jodi casa cazador n show 5 show all blog archive 2025 1 march 1 how it started 2024 56 september 1 august 2 july 24 june 19 may 10 2023 21 december 1 november 2 october 18 2012 1 january 1 2011 41 june 3 may 6 april 9 march 7 february 8 january 8 2010 23 december 4 november 8 october 9 june 2 2009 22 september 1 august 4 june 2 may 2 april 1 march 1 february 10 january 1 2008 53 december 3 november 8 october 4 august 2 july 9 june 12 april 1 march 8 february 4 january 2 2007 33 december 1 october 4 september 1 august 1 july 5 june 5 may 5 april 5 march 4 february 1 january 1 2006 91 december 3 november 5 october 4 september 13 august 5 july 4 june 3 may 15 april 10 march 17 february 6 january 6 2005 76 december 14 november 7 october 9 september 12 august 12 july 22 simple theme theme images by gaffera powered by blogger