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Text of the page (random words):
order to our relationship they re a tangible show of his dominance things that when i do or don t do them i should be mindful that it s because i m submitting to him some rules make me better being on time for work is important i m not good at it on my own and b wants to lend me some of his motivation and determination to add to my own and help me to get better at this b wants to help me quit smoking altogether i told him i was ready to go to three a day and he made it a rule he expects me to mind him about it as the next step toward me being cigarette free some rules reinforce my belonging to him for as long as we are together which i hope is a long long time my pleasure is not my own i ve talked about this before and i know better than to cum without permission enough said some rules are just because he said so i don t need to get up at the time b requires to get to work on time it s not unreasonably early just about 10 or 15 minutes before i really need to be up the just because he said so rules are hardest for me they challenge my desire to submit and my willingness to obey when i don t want to i know that this is one of my ruts that i have to continue to work on owning my submission especially in the times i don t feel like it and it s still hard for me i can feel really submissive about it at night but in the morning it s hard to hang on to i ve asked b if i can just set the alarm for when i need to get up for work he said no that i ll set the alarm for when he tells me to i know i just need to obey but i m still working on submitting to that i want to it s just hard for me b has talked before about rules or really any assignments or tasks or just things he tells me to do provide a structure for me i ve told him that i want this and i do but then i sometimes rebel against it i don t know exactly why that s my rut i m gonna work on it some of the reasons i think i m having a hard time settling back into the rules is because of b s rut but that s another topic for another day and i know that the way to grow in submission is to choose to act submissively regardless of the outside factors i think that s all i ve got about this i don t know that it s the best post i ve ever done but i figured if i was going to think and then write i may as well share it with all of you until next time his devoted one posted by unknown at 4 10 am 4 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest tuesday september 10 2013 an update or maybe a rant stream of consciousness i don t know you can pick the title okay i know i m due for a blog post and i really want to post something but i just don t know what to write think think think okay here s the plan i m just gonna start typing a general update stream of consciousness style and we ll see where it takes me b and i started talking again a week ago and let me tell you it s been a weird week i hurt my lower back and spent last week on doctor s orders to rest and not to go to work it didn t really get better and i spent the week in constant pain and taking medicine that makes me feel floaty by the end of the week i was tired of being tired tired of hurting and more than a little stir crazy b worked crazy hours last week so he was growing more and more exhausted as the week went on basically we were talking again but the actual quality of conversation was somewhat lacking and by sunday we were both kind of at wit s end with our individual situations it s important to point out that neither one of us were actually unhappy with the other at that point i would say that i was climbing the walls but my back wouldn t have allowed for that i have never dealt with chronic pain of any sort and i wasn t handling it well and i was worried something might be really wrong with my back because it just wasn t getting better i was feeling lonely because i d been shut in my apartment all week and i was just done no seriously i think this was b s opening line on sunday night b worked a ton of hours so he was completely exhausted something important to him had not gone the way he was hoping and he was frustrated and disappointed about that and his football team lost i don t understand how that affects men s moods so considerably but i m choosing to be supportive of the fact that he said he was really worked up about it he came into sunday s conversation done as well wanna know what happens when two strong personalities come into a conversation like that anybody have a guess no are you serious it definitely wasn t like that but isn t that picture beautiful it came up when i image searched collision i ll stick with the football analogy yup i think that s about right it looks something like that so we came together and i honestly don t even remember how the conversation took the turn it did we were chatting online which probably contributed to it turning so quickly i can t remember what exactly we were talking about but somehow it opened the door for him to make an offhand comment about my internal struggle with choosing to actual desire submission as opposed to just desiring the idea of submission i fired back something about the fact that the struggle had been mostly about trusting him not about whether or not i wanted to submit point of order it s not the fact that i brought it up but the fact that i flung it like a grenade i was in a mood i didn t want my shortcomings brought up so when he did i flung one of his back in his face which is unkind in any relationship then silence sometimes if i say something challenging or something that b doesn t like he will just ignore it and move on to another subject this is probably one of the things that he does that frustrates me the fastest because it makes me feel ignored we re working on it i know there are things that i do that aggravate him as well we re not perfect people the crossed arms and tipped head are perfect double her age and cock one eyebrow and you d have my internal attitude in that moment i needed to go to the bathroom but before walking away from my computer i said something like you didn t like what i just said did you we can read each other well enough for him to have understood the tone behind that question and if i m honest even though i m not even sure i realized in that moment my attitude was less than respectful i came back from the bathroom and he hadn t said anything so of course because i was in such a sweet and submissive mood bratty and challenging mood the next thing i said was back and you didn t answer my question go ahead and just read that in the absolute snarkiest and most superior tone you can come up with and you ll pretty much have the way i thought it in my mind the worst thing is that i didn t even realize i was doing it right up until he ordered my ass into the corner for 30 minutes said i was not allowed to cum that night and that he was going to bed and ended with is that clear then and this is when i should ve known something was amiss i burst into tears i didn t know exactly what i d done wrong immediately painted myself as the victim felt like he was just being mean because he didn t want me to bring up hard stuff normally if i m feeling sassy i ll stick with it and then i ll soften either by him reproaching me or through a punishment bursting into tears is not my normal response i begged him to call me after i came out of the corner and he agreed and off i went to the corner he didn t like that i brought up the trust issue the way that i did but he got angry because of my challenging attitude after i brought it up i spent 30 minutes in the corner and still didn t realize that was what had gotten me in trouble we got on the phone after i came out of the corner and he was so tired and my obstinate exterior had disappeared and i was just a mess of emotions our conversation did not go well i was needier than he could manage his exhaustion came across as indifference i accused him of not caring enough to lead us blah blah blah anybody know what was going on with me yet i still had no clue the next day was my first day back to work i had a very long day which included a doctor s appointment because my back isn t better i was so tired by the end of the day and for about the last two hours or so i found myself on the verge of tears over and over and over any guesses now i was walking to my car and it hit me like a bolt of lightning pms ladies sorry gentlemen i know this isn t your favorite subject the muscle relaxers i m taking masked all of the physical symptoms and i was in the thick of the emotional storm before i even know it was coming you see sometimes pms makes me feel like this if you remember i ve blogged about that before here but other times not as often thank goodness pms makes me feel like this i feel about that old when i get like this too not like ageplay just that i feel so fragile i managed not to burst into tears at work or in the parking lot on the way to my car or in my car on the way home and then i got home and got a phone call and got distracted and played on my computer and was still feeling like i might cry if someone looked at me wrong but couldn t actually feel the tears in the back of my eyes then i started talking to b i told him how i was feeling apologized for my craziness the night before we checked in and then we were going to talk more later because he was finishing up his blog post check it out here if you haven t read it yet he posted it i read it and you want to guess what happened if you guessed that i burst into tears you would be right it brought back all of the emotions from the night before i could only see the negative things in it and got my feelings hurt i got it in my head that he was still mad at me and went completely to pieces point of order it s his blog he can post whatever he wants and it s supposed to be a place for him to think out loud and to vent just like he allows me to do on here he wasn t wrong to post something that showed some of his frustrations i just couldn t think about it that clearly last night he didn t put me on my knees but honestly it might have helped none of the things i was falling apart about were true it was hormone induced craziness he tried to point out the positive and i couldn t hear him he tried to change the subject and i wouldn t let him he finally just ordered me out of my clothes not sure why that helps and then told me to calm down i did i can t believe i did and i can t believe it worked but it settled me enough for him to be able to change gears and get me thinking in another direction then we played online and it was good and he was very dominant and he pushed all the right buttons and it calmed me down and i went to bed peaceful last night i don t envy him he doesn t always get it exactly right but he s a guy so it would be weird if he did and we re still learning each other i ve gotten better about being patient with myself i know i m responsible for my attitude but sometimes you just have to ride the emotions out and i know that in a day or two this will pass but you know what i did today fell apart at work something happened that is really hard for me something sad with a kid and i would ve been sad no matter what but falling apart is not my style i m hoping that i ve expended my tears for the day so that b and i can just enjoy each other tonight let me show you what i mean and where my headspace stays like this we need a night where we re like this and this even this there could be some of this and definitely some of this but where i don t earn this or end up like this and let me tell you something i can t wait until we can have a night together together and hopefully it ll be a little or a lot like that but for today i ll settle for a night of chatting and talking that goes a little something like that lol well this is a very very very long post but i guess i maybe needed a rant because i feel considerably lighter than i did before i started typing i ll try to make the next post more cohesive and shorter until then his devoted one posted by unknown at 9 17 pm 6 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest friday september 6 2013 baby steps a beginning well b and i are trying again if i m honest i have to admit that i m harboring some doubts but i want it to work and so i m giving it an honest try time will tell the week we didn t talk was hard and i missed him terribly but it was also just enough time for me to remember that there are needs and there are wants i want for b and i to work out but it s not a need talking to him again has filled a void in me he s good for me i do know that long distance is complicated and i think we will still have some serious hurdles but i want to try again and see if we can pull this off he is eager to try again and to change the things that need to be changed to make us better to move us forward i told him that i don t know that i will be able to trust him really trust him until he makes it up here and we meet in person he said he understands that i don t know if he really understands how high the walls are around my heart right now how much i m self protecting i think in some ways i have to do that right now until i see for myself that he is committed to moving us forward until i see it with his actions and not just his words i feel like i m not sure what all to say about it i have lots of feelings all criss crossed inside of me and i m still sorting them on paper we re unbelievably good for each other we share the same faith the same basic political views we have varied interests but we re genuinely interested in learning about what the other is passionate about we have the same ideas about family and about what sort of place we would like to live neither one of us are big city sort of people i find myself wishing that we just lived in the same place but alas that is not to be right now so we ll keep working our way through this long distance thing right now we re moving in baby steps until next time his devoted one p s if anyone has any specific advice on weathering long distance relationships particularly d s relationships or if you know of any good websites where we could look for advice that would be awesome feel free to email it to either of us or just put in in comments on either of our blogs posted by unknown at 9 03 pm 8 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday august 26 2013 an ending soooooo this would be the one post i didn t ever want to need to put up here lots of posts aren t easy but they re part of it so posting them is reflective and part of blogging for example i broke the rules and got myself in trouble part of the journey i defied him and we had to recover from it progress we argued and he disappointed or upset me and we worked through it part of the work of relationships whining or ranting posts about wanting more and needing him part of learning to live in this dynamic...