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sional political leadership for further adventures visit oldspouse wordpress com tags blog blogging blogs commentary culture future humor life lifestyle living modern culture modern living musings people politics popular culture social commentary comments leave a comment categories automobile bizarre bullies bullying california civility comic con complexities of life culture donald trump future futurist gadgets high technology hope horror human behavior humor incivility ineptitude internet intolerance inventions newspaper columns politicians politics popular culture racism research social behavior social commentary technology the future tomorrow truck truck fump trump unmarried pregnant velociraptor washington weird news stories white house bigly bigly shakeups in my own personal white house 1 aug by roger white dateline the white house hold austin texas in another abrupt move that has apparently become the modus operandi of the white house that being the house in which ersatz columnist pseudo blogger psoriasis counselor roger white and family reside second string dog and assistant canine communications director boney scarapoochy has resigned his position just days after being assigned to the post scarapoochy declined comment on the sudden departure however when asked about the situation within the white house scarapoochy said only rough this latest wh shakeup comes only days after white house chief of yardwork staff rieeince amoebus and kitchen press secretary shawn slicer resigned their positions under what some observers are calling unsettled circumstances several reports indicate that since his exit slicer has been seen on occasion smoking cigarettes and talking to buildings on the grounds of shoal creek clinic the white house comings and goings of late follow a familiar pattern that began in january when acting family attorney allie yates was fired when she made it clear that she would not defend the whites sweeping insulation ban white had called for a total ban on all attic insulation from particular countries and announced plans to construct an enormous wall along the home s southern property line to keep out raccoons possums field mice coyotes and progressive liberals on the heels of yates departure came the swift exit of domestic security adviser michael phlegm in february phlegm was ousted when it became clear he had misrepresented his dealings with ambassadors from the rival circle c neighborhood the white house revolving door of staff shakeups continued in may with the firing of james klomey the home s director of the fbi flatulence belching incontinence and in july with the resignation of wally shrub director of the family s office of neighborhood ethics shrub left soon after stating that the family s home and reputation are close to a laughingstock compared to other domiciles with similar personality addled heads of household despite the rash of firings resignations departures and refusals to accept ap pointments to high level positions within the wh family adviser smellyanne blondeway insists that the home is being run like a well oiled machine the home is being run like a well oiled machine blondeway said unblinking and immobile while apparently reading from a script when asked to elaborate blondeway added the home is being run like a well oiled machine first lady susan white did note that newly hired white house handyman and overall fix it technician g gordon tiddy was doing a wonderful job maintaining the interweb connections and things she went on to comment that not only are the house s computers running better than ever but that the interwebs connections are so finely tuned currently that all internet activity in homes within a two block radius of the white house are available for viewing in the home as well the white house s mr white emphasized that there is absolutely no chaos within the home as the failing oak hill gazette and other liberal rags claim in their fake news white went on to say for no apparent reason that i know words i have the best words he added that he does not attend family financial meetings because you know i m like a smart person roger white is without a doubt the most brilliant most unbelievably fantastic person with the name of white in the history of everything bigly for further adventures visit oldspouse wordpress com or not tags blog blogging blogs commentary culture dad family human evolution humor life lifestyle living marriage modern culture modern living musings parody people politics popular culture random comments social commentary comments leave a comment categories alternate universe alternative facts anthony scaramucci armageddon austin texas bizarre brutality bullies bullying civility complexities of life conservatives conspiracies culture dogs donald trump family homeowner human behavior human waste humor incivility ineptitude internet intolerance james comey journalism kellyanne conway lawnmower marriage married life meat thermometers media media sensationalism neighborhood politics neuroses neurotic behavior popular culture psycho putin raccoons random comments republicans sarcasm social behavior social commentary suburban sisyphus suburban worldsick blues texas things i hate today s media trump tv twilight zone unmarried pregnant velociraptor white house wanna know who you really are spit here 5 jun by roger white so the wife finally convinced me to do this ancestry dna thing you ve probably heard or read about ya know you send in your dna sample to this mad scientist type place somewhere in utah and a few months later you get to find out you re not scotch irish like you ve been told since you were 3 but are in fact one fifth bosnian herzegovinian with a touch of latvian orthodox and a slight dusting of the saskatchewan moose jaw clan which is probably why your family just said you were scotch irish and left it at that much simpler anyway one day the wife hands me this cardboard box and excitedly proclaims here s your kit time to provide your sample i was instantly horrified the only samples i ve ever had to provide for medical research purposes involved either a needles blood and pain b sitting alone in a room with a tiny container some tissues and a men s magazine while trying hard to think sexy thoughts or c forcibly going to the bathroom and then while completely mortified placing my uncomfortably warm sample into a tray in the wall of my examination room while praying to god no one opens the tray from the other side of the wall while i m providing my uncomfortably warm sample to my great relief i found out that the ancestry guys just wanted my spit for a moment as i self consciously began earnestly trying to hock up a nice loogie i eyed ralph asleep on the floor and pondered what the results would be if i gave them a vial of elderly long haired dachshund saliva dear mr white i envisioned from your unique dna sample our labs have concluded that you are eight tenths old world german with a family history of hunting badgers and an unusual tendency toward heartworm for long term health you may consider drinking less from the toilet and going for walkies at least three times a week but no i diligently hocked up my sample sealed my little vial and we both shipped off our dna data in hopes of discovering if great great great great great grandpappy was perhaps nebuchadnezzar ii or spike jones or whoever we have since been in the waiting phase while according to the company literature the dna lab experts and biochemists in white labcoats spend arduous weeks attempting to deconstruct our respective spittles down to the double helix level and painstakingly extract our ancestry information a substantial part of me thinks that in reality there s a big basement room in provo somewhere with a giant wall map of the world and a bunch of guys in t shirts and sweatpants armed with darts ok a rotund guy yells out still munching a pizza crust slouched at his chair watch out this one is for let s see this dude s name is white he reaches into a coffee can full of darts takes a dart and heaves it at the wall rocko the guy yells where d that hit rocko takes a swig of miller lite from a longneck bottle and shuffles over to the map it s in the middle of the damn ocean try again the rotund lab expert sighs and throws another bingo rocko burps and leans down to inspect the dart s landing zone bolivia somewhere in the middle of lake titicaca wow how bout that bet the guy never knew he was one quarter titicacan ok watch out here goes again i m hoping that s not how it goes but the cynic in me can t help but think the whole thing is at least a little bit scammy i did read somewhere that the results aren t 100 percent accurate and that some folks tend to be over identified scandinavian for some reason i guess scandinavian is the default heritage kind of like on the magic 8 ball how more times than not the answer is results hazy try again later roger white is a four sevenths scandinavian freelance writer living in austin texas with his lovely six elevenths creole wife two half sri lankan daughters a full blooded obesian dachshund and a cat that refuses to provide a sample for further adventures visit oldspouse wordpress com tags blog blogging blogs commentary culture family human evolution humor life lifestyle living marriage modern culture modern living people popular culture comments 5 comments categories aging ancestry complexities of life consumer ripoffs culture dachshunds dna family family tree grandma human evolution humor lawn darts life lessons marriage married life popular culture pseudo science pseudoscience relationships research researchers scandinavians technology unmarried pregnant velociraptor ya wanted more fernie ya got more fernie 24 apr by roger white well gang it seems that the literary stylings of my old compadre dr archie ferndoodle have truly struck a chord with many of you since the appearance of sir archie s poetic elucidations in a recent episode of this old mouse the oldblouse offices have been inundated with a letter heaping praise on the feckless fernman and further beseeching the master muse for more obtuse observations well who am i to deny my faithful the mental goosefeather that so tickles their collective ulnas you surely know this by now but the doodle doctor insists i preface his epistles with the following the esteemed dr ferndoodle holds an associate s degree in postmodern comparative limerick studies from the university of southern panama s correspon oh to hell with it if you really want to view the good doctor s curriculum vitalis write me and i ll send you a mimeographed copy sir archie in his own peculiar patois has taken several classic tunes from the songbook of popular culture and rendered them as his own with his edgy pointy like lyrics so pertinent to today s roiling rambunctious rutabaga world disclaimer the spouseman and the newspaper periodical bathroom wall compendium in which this diatribe appears doesn t necessarily agree with the views and opinions of sir archie he is his own creature and we bear no responsibility or legal burden for his verbal effluence taking that into account i give you archie s first offering called healthcare for millennials keep in mind you have to know the popular tune to latch these lyrics onto or none of this makes any sense whateverso but if you ve made it this far sense is something you know is a rare commodity in this time space healthcare for millennials to the tune of teach your children well by crosby still nash and young verse 1 you under twenty one will be under the gun to pay for healthcare by the time you reach my age you ll spend a year s wage just to rent a wheelchair chorus so keep your bodies well cause you ll pay like hell to see the surgeon think hard about having kids you ll be on the skids better stay a virgin no use in asking why it ll cost less to simply die better yet you just might tryyyyyyy to move to canada huzzah archster well done for his second favoring the fernman has rendered a little ditty he calls little trumpy regarding the precarious existence of pbs and shows such as sesame street under the current regime little trumpy to the tune of sesame street s rubber ducky verse 1 little trumpy you re the dude who sent pbs down the tubes because of trumpy we are all royally screwed verse 2 oscar lost the lease to his can elmo s turning tricks in japan little trumpy i m not very fond of you chorus bridge oh every day when i see big bird in the gutter and i think about kermit s suicide i mutter what a motherlubber verse 3 cookie monster od d on crack miss piggy s somewhere dealing blackjack oh little trumpy life s really the pits now oh little trumpy me and bert called it quits and how little trumpy it looks like i m shackin with you bray vo bray vo and lastly ferndude gives us his take on the ramifications of oilman rex tillerson taking over as top guy at the us state department rex will survive to the tune of gloria gaynor s i will survive at first i was afraid i was petrified kept thinkin my ties to russian oil i could never hide friends said rex why take this job it s a massive pay cut to be trump s head of state you must be some kind of nut but here i am from wichita falls make way for ol tillerson cause i got some big ol b lls i ll go easy on the reds but north koreans i will kill i got a tiger in my tank my exxon stock s worth 100 mill yes putin and i we will survive just don t look too darn deep in kgb archives we ve got such friendly ties so don t you be surprised when moscow becomes home to the next exxon franchise hey hey sir archie ferndoodle s classics include oh staff sergeant my staff sergeant why is the man always from nantucket and perhaps his greatest epic the squirrels stopped talking to me today roger white is a ferndoodle protégé or else owes him big time for further adventures visit oldspouse wordpress com tags blog blogging blogs commentary 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