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ng little nacho but i am still very afraid to really commit to the idea of him actually turning up all i have wanted is to have a little person in my life and you d think i should be happy about it now that it s actually happening it s not that because i am happy but i am also terrified overwhelmed and sad most of the time it s hard to explain i have yet to buy anything really other than a few second hand clothes online going into a baby shop still fills me with anxiety slowly though i think i am coming to terms with the idea that he is ok in there and that he will be with me soon the saddest part to this story is that it is looking more and more likely that i will be splitting from my husband before nacho makes his appearance i have not really blogged about this before and i feel quite vulnerable doing this but this blog is my way to vent and i think i finally need to do that it is a really long story that i don t intend to bring you all in on but suffice it to say that dh has crossed my one and only line too many times it would appear that he is struggling with the idea of fatherhood more than he can verbalise he has yet to confirm this to me i m still only guessing throughout our relationship he has needed to blow off steam as we all do when we live busy lives he goes out on these benders and does not call tell me where he is or attempt to come home before 7am i would normally be fine well more tolerant with this except for the fact that 10 years ago dh nearly died of a drug overdose on one of these benders and had to be resuscitated by the paramedics miles away from me and our home since that day my only stipulation of our relationship was that he needed to stay away from that drug did he want to yes has he no i don t believe he is an addict or maybe i m naive because he only does this once or twice a year for 10 long years i have sat up through the night wondering if he was dead or alive if he was suffering or alone until he decided to turn up once he had shaken off the effects to grovel i have been pregnant many times when this has happened but it hasn t mattered he swears that he is devoted to me and nacho and doesn t know what is wrong with him but has refused to see a therapist about it with or without me until now i have given a handful ultimatums by now and none of them mean anything to him brick wall endless empty promises the sad thing is that 95 of the time he is a devoted and loving man who is very excited to meet his long awaited son day to day he takes on so much responsibility to try to eliviate any stress i might be suffering but then he goes and has these inexplicable sessions of destruction fully aware of the consequences it s like he s a different person i understand that everyone needs an outlet for this kind of stress and some of you may fee like i am being especially harsh but no amount of day to day support can make up for the trauma of those long nights wondering if nacho will ever get to meet his dad i don t ask for much just this one little thing oddly i am quite a tolerant person otherwise and always have been am i supposed to sit back and watch as my self confidence and self worth quietly and slowly wane after having watched my parents go through more or less the same thing i had always promised myself to have more self respect than than to allow someone to hurt me over and over until i became a shell of a human my mum raised me to focus on my career and to always look out for number one and i realise now that i am in her shoes making that connection 20 years before she made hers nacho is too important to allow this to carry on he deserves to have a father he can depend on so somehow i have to find a way to pick myself up and start to consider life as a single mum i never in a million years imagined this would be the outcome for me i had believed dh would grow up eventually and we would finally get to enjoy a child who has meant so much to us both we had such a long hard journey to get here the logistics of actually doing this are sinking in giving birth without my husband damn good thing i will have my doula yes i did end up hiring one more on her another time struggling through the early weeks on my own eventually selling the house packing and moving across the world back home with a young baby it has been done by thousands of women before me and my situation is not unique but man does it feel like shit it s too bad that i have very few meaningful relationships now since i dumped all my friends during my struggles with rpl and i live in a country without any family but i have made it this far and i will have to find a way to do this in the meantime i have sent him away to try to figure things out i m not sure what resolution will come of this my mum has offered to come out anytime to help and i will take her up on it i am so ashamed so devastated that my marriage is not one those that got stronger through if and rpl and that nacho and i don t mean enough to dh i visualise how nice things could have been together as a family it s what kept me going all these years but i see now that i would have to compromise myself to achieve that what i am trying to remember is that nacho is the most important thing right now he needs his mum strong and devoted to him nothing else matters that is my focus now posted in coping or at least trying to tagged antenatal depression grief if infertility loss miscarriage pregnancy after loss recurrent loss recurrent miscarriage recurrent pregnancy loss ttc 47 comments holidaze posted on june 3 2014 by lisette i owe so many of you a reply to my last post and i promise to do that but in the meantime we have managed to escape life for a few days in southern spain i never want to come back it has been so blissful already i can t even remember what it was like to be at work to be stressed we have been sleeping in relaxing by the pool resting on the beach napping in the shade eating super delicious food reading listening to meditation tapes and feeling the reassuring twists and turns of nachito inside i am sure he has grown quite substantially since we have been here maybe it feels good to be free here i have had a permanent smile on my face and tears in my eyes since we got here i am just so bloody thankful for him every single moment holidays really do do wonders don t they i was quite nervous flying because it had been instilled in me by a tcm a few years ago that flying could cause problems in pregnancy but our high risk ob was confident as long as i continued to take my clexane and aspirin as i have been and didn t fly over 3 hours which we didn t nacho didn t stop moving the whole flight and instantly i felt more at ease his ability to relax me totally blows my mind so for the next 5 days we are going to lap it up soak up the sun and rest as much as possible next opportunity i will update this post with some pics hugs to you all xx posted in uncategorized tagged if infertility loss miscarriage pregnancy after loss recurrent loss recurrent miscarriage recurrent pregnancy loss ttc 42 comments empathetic sunday posted on may 25 2014 by lisette i m feeling particularly empathetic these days maybe it s the hormones maybe it s the anxiety i can t seem to shake or the impending doom i feel about nacho on a daily basis maybe it s a particularly emotional time in the blogosphere but i m finding it hard there s so much pain out there i just want to fix my hormones may be raging yes but it never ceases to blow my mind how emotional this journey is it s not just the highs and lows of our own experiences as individuals but when you invest in the support of the journey of others in our community as we all do it is can be overwhelming so much happens in the community of loss and infertility for the past several weeks months years i have witnessed via blogging and twitter long awaited bfps painful failed ivfs and iuis heartbreaking miscarriages joyous births devastating stillbirths successful pregnancies after multiple losses shocking second trimester losses world changing diagnoses horrible set backs botched adoptions cancelled cycles making peace with moving on cruel anniversaries all bringing tears to my eyes it s like being on the front lines of a warzone there s so much power so much drive in our desire to be parents it s literally life or death and we are faced with it everyday as we support each other the sheer strength we all demonstrate to get ourselves through another day is mind boggling i m saddened so deeply lately by my friends you know who you are who are struggling through countless failed ivf cycles my heart is bursting with anger and sadness the loss is blinding i just don t get why these things happen to good people all we all want is a baby to take home and the losses so many babies lost a few weeks ago the loss of a twitter friend s second trimester twin babies really hit home the twins were very close in gestation to nacho they had just reached viability a cruel word the grief and disbelief that this poor family must be enduring takes my breath away how in one day can someone go from being fine to losing both her babies i just don t understand so much heartbreak i know i know there s lots of good news out there too such happy stories such relief i celebrate these little milestones no matter how small apologies for the super down post but i promised myself to get the thoughts that cloud my mind out onto virtual paper when i need to today has been a day of reflection too thinking of my own lost sweet peas tears me up inside i think about all six nestled up in a cozy little pod together looking after each other i grieve for them everyday i m beginning to understand that that s ok posted in coping or at least trying to pregnant again tagged grief if infertility loss miscarriage pregnancy after loss recurrent loss recurrent miscarriage recurrent pregnancy loss ttc 33 comments looking forward posted on may 5 2014 by lisette well things have kind of settled down at work since i laid down the law with them the other week thanks to you all for your advice and sharing your experiences that really helped me to feel empowered to do what is right for me and for nacho why should i put up with this shit i guess after years of being on autopilot striving to do the best in my career now allowing my health to take first place is a big adjustment as stupid as that sounds one that is long overdue i feel the guilt of waiting until we were at a certain place in life before ttc hindsight is total cow what a fool i was there is nothing more important that meeting a safe and healthy nachito and nothing will stand in my way to make that happen i am trying now to allow myself to think about actually meeting this little guy a surreal thought as a way to get me through each day tomorrow we will have reached viability a milestone i had to be reminded of by lovely lauren at onfecondthought and this idea is becoming more and more a possibility viability seems so out of this world so premature there is still so much time left i hope so much growing to do i am feeling a little bit more relaxed about nacho doing his thing this is no doubt helped by getting the all clear on his anomaly scan by his constant moving and having a doppler to hand for times when he is isn t little tiny milestones one day at a time there haven t been many things i ve felt able to think about going into a baby store is very uncomfortable buying anything is a long way off names no way but i m allowing myself to think about getting him here safely have i turned a new leaf don t think so not yet as i start to try to look towards the future i realise just how terrified of things going wrong i really am being labelled high risk makes me envious of the experience i always hoped i would have a home water birth an experience under my control under our terms one that is comfortable and safe physically and mentally for us both a labour ward is a far cry from a home water birth but i know i should take comfort in the fact that nacho will be well monitored to ensure his safe arrival i don t care what they do to me just please let it be ok for him i think what is freaking me is out is that up until now my care has been a bit sporadic inconsistent unreliable and i have yet to see the same midwife or consultant twice the more i think about it the stronger i feel about the terms of his birth obviously i know i can t control everything i certainly haven t been able to control anything related to my fertility so far and push come to shove i ll do anything to get him out safely but i d like to make his birth as comfortable and safe as possible i have been educating myself these recent weeks reading up i know it s a long way off but that s my way of empowering myself no induction no forceps no drugs that can affect his heart rate keeping the placenta and cord intact until it gives him as much of his own blood as possible etc at least that s what i want none of it may actually happen but i d like to try and under those clinical conditions i don t know if i trust my body to get shit done i don t know if i can trust them to help me through it living without fear isn t something that comes easily after years of losses and infertility neither is trust they are already talking about early induction something i really don t want i had been hoping for as little intervention as possible and truth is i am terrified for this reason we are considering retaining a doula i don t know if it is a crazy idea but i am hoping to use a doula as a consistent face my advocate someone to limit interventions and encourage me to go as far as possible by listening to my body someone with a midwifery background someone who gets it dh will no doubt be a lifesaver but even he feels better with the idea of a doula i feel like i can t fully trust the hospital to fully support my choices and we can t afford to go private and why should we we pay taxes just like everybody else so the least i can ask the system for is to support a choice i have every right to make within the parameters of my care of course saying that determination has never been something i ve been short on so maybe if i m able to get myself in the zone i can do this without a doula i don t know and it s entirely possible things will not go according to any plan and we ll have to decide as we go and maybe decisions will be made for me because things became desperate enough maybe i need to sit with this all for a bit a doula s fees are a drop in the bucket compared to the exorbitant fees we have spent on private consultants blood tests procedures treatment and research has shown a doula can shorten first time labour by an average of 2 hours decrease the chance of caesarean section by 50 decrease the need for pain medication helps fathers participate with confidence increase success in breastfeeding after all the extreme measures i ve taken from preconception and throughout the pregnancy i real...