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Text of the page (random words):
d anger and most of all with a crushed ego that started the sorry saga i won t bore you with the details you ve heard the same stories before i bet abusive emails custody shit restraining orders mediation blah blah blah needless to say we don t like each other very much anymore though we are getting better at managing it for jas sake or t is which was the main problem for me really and then i guess i had some kind of breakdown now i ve always been a bit nutty for example who needs to breastfeed that badly someone with massive anxiety issues that s who but the events following our separation took me past the point of control i ve had to come to terms with my mental health issues in a big way it was really scary sometimes i don t have a clear diagnosis yet but i do believe there were moments there when i was literally manic and some where i was a bit psychotic too for real i mean not in the colloquial sense i m being treated now with medication psychiatrist psychologist etc and i m coming good but i wasn t able to work and i am still not able to teach i doubt i ever will be even if i had the inclination so yeah massive financial strife of course and via my impending personal bankruptcy a goodbye to the enormous debts i incurred in a decade of being the family breadwinner with a not so big income but then i had no real assets to lose certainly not a house or anything and it s somewhat of a relief to be able to start fresh and also i found true love he was there all along actually a friend we were never single at the same time though until a year ago even in our early 20s when we met it started as a secret amusement i d had my first post breakup fling and had rediscovered sex he was convenient and trusted and a hottie always it became quickly obvious that there was something magical something spectacular there but we stayed in denial for the longest time feigning friends with benefits then casual relationship then open relationship all rather gruelling for both of us really but we were scared t found out of course things got really ugly for a while still we made it through all of it and jas and i moved into his place a few months ago and it s wonderful it s like everything i always wanted but never thought was real it s like a rom com it s like paul linda mccartney it s greek mythology the man is the one it s perfect not he or i but it whatever it is that we make when we come together which we are hoping will be a baby very very soon so yes vomit vomit love love love my twin soul the love of my life my best friend spew spew retch ad finitum except true you can ask questions now heh posted in uncategorized 11 comments may 11 2011 i miss my girls posted in uncategorized 9 comments march 28 2010 i was doing well really the last few days had made it clear to me that i was doing the right thing the more i ve talked to those closest to me the more it has opened up inside me all the different things i ve been suppressing for so long it s like that gut feeling that was so shapeless not a week ago so intangible and quiet and frightening has now been telling me yes there was that and there was that and there was that too things i never dared to allow myself to feel or think consciously about our marriage before and it seems so obvious that i wonder how it could have come as a surprise to him but then it came as a surprise to me too the actual doing of this didn t it but then i have contact with him and i stop feeling so good he s gutted i think i mean if his facebook wall is anything to go by the leonard cohen song lyrics the links to a download of his new heartbroken song i haven t listened i m not quite that masochistic descriptions of packing ten years into boxes i know my ex husband and i know he s all about being the victim i shouldn t be surprised and i m trying not to get upset by it i know he doesn t have the support of family nearby and that he needs that support and he s playing games too i think trying to show me what i m doing to him without showing me and he s hurt and angry and we are in the 21st century right reaching out is all about the electronic communication but i don t know it works i do feel guilty it does make me feel awful i just keep trying to think about later one year two years down the track when we can be mates again when the hurt has faded and hopefully when he has had the chance to process and heal and see all the things that are so obvious to me now because i think he will i don t think the level of dysfunction that s been festering between us for so long can be one sided you know i don t think it s a matter of the she broke my heart stuff he s putting out there we ve both been unhappy in this marriage for a long time it s just that for some reason i don t entirely understand i ve just been more prepared to admit it posted in uncategorized 10 comments march 23 2010 the nerve she returns almost a year later expecting blog pals to come running showering her with love and affection as if she would still be on their reader what is the statute of limitations on dead blogs but we all know sometimes we need this sometimes we don t and i haven t most of you i have in my fb account those who i don t i still read and though i rarely ahem almost never comment i know where in the internet world i can find you so here i am needing to write needing my girls my old bloggy pals needing to put it down sort it out sift through the raw messiness of life here i am again you re asking why i have left my husband it happened sunday night there i was reeling out the usual list of petty complaints to my sister husbands suck husbands make you do everything etc oh etc and as i was talking to her it occured to me that i have been here before too many times and that enough was enough it wasn t the petty complaints that s just the skin on the milk that s what goes on everywhere in every marriage in some way or another and it means nothing it s bickering what was there that i have been covering up with busy ness for so long god literally years is that something isn t right it s not with him and it s not not with me he s a good man an intelligent articulate gentle warm man he ticks all the boxes right but there s something there hidden in the very texture of us the third life we create as a unit that isn t right i ve been denying it even now i m not sure if it is a figment of my imagination the result of watching when harry met sally too many times in my youth some romatic ideal that doesn t and hasn t ever existed for us i have always had this niggling even on our wedding day even the morning after the first night we spent together it s like when you love someone but you don t love them i m staying at my mums for the time being bb is there not here for two years we have alternated child care between his work days and my work days and that s the way it will stay until this thursday it will be my work days being apart from bb is excruciating i know this will get worse before it gets better i ve chosen a hard road i m trying not to doubt it but it s hard a lovely man be he not right for me is hurting because of my actions my family my sense of security and home is gone i feel terribly alone terribly sad terribly alone and terribly hollow i don t know posted in uncategorized 26 comments may 22 2009 high shame have re started smoking am blogging it out here posted in uncategorized leave a comment january 22 2009 here s the boring pregnancy announcements bite post we ve all heard a zillion times but don t they the women in my mother s group are all working on second children now two have just been born one is around 20 weeks and now two more pregnancies have been announced 7 weeks and 13 weeks then there s my sister of course but my goodwill seems to stop after babies i am going to be related to i am so glad that i was one of the first women i knew to have a baby so that i never truly had to deal with this while i was in the throes of if i was lucky because it s hard even now not to be a bitter old cow how fucking nice for you people even though i always said i only wanted one couldn t handle the two of my stepchildren fighting even though i don t think i d have the strength to face ivf and high risk pregnancy even though the fact of the matter is my husband says i m not allowed to have more and fair enough he is in his 50s one child was our compromise after all but still part of me wishes and part of me still wants to punch things and part of me just wants to be able to let it go posted in uncategorized 7 comments january 5 2009 it seems lately that the only time i get on to post here is when i am having some kind of crisis i feel like a teenager who writes angsty poetry and then closes her notebook until she breaks up with the next boyfriend but it happens thank you for your support on my last most tortured of posts my sister has decided to keep the baby turns out she can stay on her current anti crazy medication throughout the pregnancy which was the deal breaker so i get to be an auntie again and i m betting on a little girl if only so i have soemone to give anne of green gables books to and to see high school musical number 12 with i ve been away as i mentioned in a post a few weeks back right now i am sitting on the back porch in norman bates motel just outside of auckland airport i ve been in new zealand for eleven days now visiting an old flatmate of mine from ten years ago she is british and we ve been writing to each other like boarding school penpals ever since it s been wonderful to catch up with her after so long we ve had some wonderful talks on rugged cliff faces and its been a fantastic opportunity to take stock of the last leg of the journey actually the last several legs and try and figure out where i m going next i need to process still i think but i won t put you all through it now i miss my boys desperately the big one and the little one j said his first real sentence right before i left holding his bottle out to me i want some more juice please cracked me up he s all about the damn juice right now he s coping ok without me t says we re both doing better than i expected actually poor t is the one who has copped it all alone being pulled a million directions by j and his other two kids who are now 16 and 12 and his ex partner he s a gem my husband i need to tell him that more often resolution 1 supposedly j is being the metre man t can t go more than a metre away before j starts getting clingy apparently he went to sleep quietly murmuring mama mama mama the other night and then there was the bit where he pointed at the television at vile disgusting charli from hi 5 to be precise and said mama of course i ve been dreadfully worried about the damage eleven days away from mum will do to his psyche will he always have this looming sense of abandonment in his relationships with women will he be permanently seeking security in all the wrong places pure paranoia of course everyone keeps telling me children are more resilient than we know and of course they are still anyway must go hope you all had a lovely christmas and new year hopefully won t be long until i get off my butt to post again xx posted in uncategorized 6 comments december 24 2008 quickly becasue i am visiting my step kids and yet things must come out my sister called this morning she is pregnant with an eight month old and post natal depression she said to me i m not used to the idea what my mother told me she s saying i cannot keep this baby i know it is not my decision to make i know i can t say anything to her that she will do what is right for her and she will have good reasons for it and it will not be something she will take lightly she is a natural mother my sister one of those rare kinds of mothers but i cannot help the infertile in me the one put down the phone and went to the bathroom and shut the door who put her hands over her face and wept silently violently and like a child posted in uncategorized 13 comments december 3 2008 thank you to you all for your thoughts and prayers x well it looks like everything is ok ultrasound and mammogram both showed no evidence of cystic or solid lesions the boob doctor told me that it looks like normal lumpy breast tissue to her that it could be hormonal she took a tissue sample and i m going back next monday to see what it had to say still there s enough to be grateful for there the most terrible kinds of anxiety have been eased posted in uncategorized 18 comments november 29 2008 there is a lump in my breast it isn t a small lump it isn t a pea shaped lump it is a big hard mass of a two inch lump i think it just came up suddenly this week that s what i think but i m not sure i m doubting myself what if that kind of lumpy tissue that s been there for a long time that seemed to be on both sides that i thought was just breast tissue what if it wasn t i went to the doctor this morning he didn t help talk of his not being able to reassure me talk of kicking heads if i couldn t get into testing earlier this coming week he gave me monday morning off work to make the calls all his manner partially another doctor would have said we ll get tests right away but it probably isn t the worst case scenario at 31 years of age but he didn t he thought it likely i would have to cancel my overseas trip coming in three weeks and i am near panic in and out of panic actually for several hours today i convinced myself it was breastfeeding related strange let down sensations on both sides two babies born around me in the last week a bit of milk on the opposite side to the lump some weird hormonal freak of nature it happens they say my friend two years past breastfeeding said she startied randomly lactating earlier this year for a week perhaps its a blocked duct perhaps its a cyst but i don t know i m so scared so fucking scared posted in uncategorized 20 comments older entries about likes teapots thrift shops making jam 1950s pulp fiction covers dr marten s boots joni mitchell storage space photoshop fountain pens tortellini vintage wallpaper writing motherhood dislikes phys ed teachers jack kerouac french beans dancing with the stars vaccuuming toenail polish right wing radio personalities soft toys ivf embryo transfer the patriarchy time forgetting for access to passworded posts contact me at rememberella gmail com archives archives select month august 2011 may 2011 march 2010 may 2009 january 2009 december 2008 november 2008 september 2008 july 2008 june 2008 may 2008 march 2008 february 2008 january 2008 december 2007 november 2007 categories buddha baby le daily grind mistress fattypuff pictorial extravaganza related supposedly secreter and secreter soapboxin away tantrums n tears the sleeping conundrum to dooce myself uncategorized wherein i ramble blogroll barren albion blood signs bugsy s blog cats in the cradle chasing blue skies city girl tales clover s blog disenchanted with the reality that is my life eggs akimbo eg...