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description=Learning to dance in the rain again to spite infertility, fibromyalgia, CFS, starting a business and various other conditions that come with being alive.;

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Text of the page (random words):
h part of the family it pertains to but be assured that i am going to have to pull out at least each of them to just be able for a moment try to at least sort out the details in my mind eviction fiances its a boy infidelity gut wrenching illness pain pain management transfer arrest theft nonsensical commercial real estate wills adoption nieces nephews death infertility loneliness deployment frg betrayal by friends omission school guitar unpacking job hunting failure faithfulness leave a comment from coping family health and lack thereof infertility life medicines interesting may 14 2010 i find it interesting that i still write here or rather that i am this being the most public of each of them but the least known to my family or my friends i don t think any of them have read here in the past and if they don t ask i just don t tell its interesting anyway i hate my doctors here and want to scream and cry well i ve done that already but who s to say that i won t do it again for example my new pcm primary care manager it took me almost six weeks to get an appointment then i saw her and she basically told me she wasn t really going to do anything but change my beta blocker personally i don t think its working as well as my little old pill used to she referred me to a pain clinic she told me she wanted to see me in a month i went to the appointment desk to do that very thing and the lady says they can t book that far ahead and they would be calling me when the window opened i waited for my letter to come in the mail and when it did i called the number which was disconnected i looked for an alternate number there was none i drove to the address and its an empty building i call the referral line and get another referral and while doing that i asked why they can t keep their provider list current they give me a new person in richmond hill they tell me they will fax my new letter and i can call and set up my first appointment it took me two days for someone to actually answer the phone and then the woman on the line told me that they didn t have the letter yet and when they get it she will call so i waited a week and called to see what was going on the woman snaps attitude at me and tells me that she will call me with an appointment i asked her if they received the referral and she says yeah that s it just yeah i asked why i couldn t make an appointment since i am already on the phone with her she raised her voice at me and was all like i told you i would call you to set up an appointment i hung up the phone called the referral office and told them i didn t want to go to that clinic i ll not accept that kind of behavior they obviously don t want me as a patient and if i see that woman face to face i might not be so nice only one other listing on the provider and its on the other side of savannah i called the number to see if they were accepting any new patients and the answer was yes the woman was completely courteous and helpful i call the referral line and once again get my letter changed the woman calls back to get some information and when she asks me the reason why i would be attending the clinic and when i said fibromyalgia and cfs she said oh that s it just oh she goes on to say that the doctor doesn t usually treat fibromyalgia patients and doesn t know if he will accept me he may because i am a tri care patient that s code for we ll take the initial appointment even though we know we aren t going to do anything for her so we can get the money the skilled doctors who practice integrative therapy are few and none of them are taking new patients without referrals even though i am willing to pay out of pocket it doesn t matter i usually try not to say too much about fms since i gripe enough about the infertile part but i am in so much pain literally my last treatment was 05 february i usually had two appointments in a month its now been about three and a half months and i am not doing well at all these people don t seem to care though remember when i wrote that my pcm told me to come back in a month and how the appointment desk told me they would call me well a month has passed so i call to find out why i don t have an appointment and the guy says no one put in for one i asked him when the next available appointment is and he says 13 june i ask if there is nothing sooner because this is a follow up appointment and he tells me no did you reader notice when that date is a month from now after they told me at the desk that they can t schedule that far out at least my guitar lessons are going well yesterday was fun in a completely non productive way and i learned three things the guitar pick is my nemesis they go missing apparently straight out of the neck of my guitar who is named cealy by the way i much prefer just using my fingers but then i tend to strum because of this preference i can hold the pick as long as i am not playing but want to stick it in my mouth as soon as i begin which is the second thing i learned make sure i bring gum so that the mouth is occupied the last thing i learned is that i focus alot better when i have a hat one don t ask me how that works cause i don t know its like it keeps my brain together the same thing happens when i clean the house i have to have my head covered or i ll just go from one thing to the next leaving everything unfinished leave a comment from health and lack thereof life i ve got a feeling april 21 2010 i have this admittedly odd habit of being a human music reference machine my friends find it both amusing and annoying which is understandable for drives that last more than 6 hours that i have all this music just stuck in my head sometimes the words will pop out of my mouth unbidden this is especially uncomfortable when i am talking to someone i don t know and they say something that triggers this odd reaction it sounds like i am being rude for interrupting and or not really listening to what they have to say and nothing can be farthest from the truth why did i say all that no reason in particular it s just that i have been sitting here in front of the screen trying to sort myself out the radio isn t on or anything black eyed peas just popped into my head so there ya go to be complete forthright i had thought of naming this post something like the feeling is beginning you know mother s day is coming up the dreaded holiday for people in my particular branch of the fertility tree i feel like this time around things are some how worse i hate to sound like a broken record year after year after year after year to spite my attempting to be positive throughout every other holiday of the year it just doesn t seem possible with this one i don t want to celebrate motherhood and yet am forced to by having a mother which i am so very grateful for and love dearly and now my sister is a mother i can t even type it without tears when my nephew a was born i was on with skype and my sister in law was all like welcome to the club i feel like i m not the one she will turn to when she has a question already i feel like i am just on the outside looking in no one thinks to ask me anything seems like lately and i have to admit that i am so incredibly jealous i don t even know if there is a stronger word but if there is then that is where i am on the scale i m jealous because i wanted to be the daddy s girl who i don t know we were very close to losing our daddy just a couple of months ago it s a very real possibility that he ll be gone and i won t get those looks of pride and joy yesterday was a potluck at the man s battalion everyone there had kids everyone asks do you have kids and having to answer it over and over again has not helped this depression from setting it i just wanted to get up on the stage and make an announcement but somehow i don t think that would reflect greatly on the man you know to have a crazy wife useless insignificant irrelevant invisible those are the feelings setting in these television commercials going to the store or a restaurant and everywhere i see pregnancy and motherhood what did i do in a previous life to deserve this what lesson am i not getting that warrants the continuation of this misery you know i ve stepped far away from the if community over the last year or so because i know i can t handle it i ve tried to approach our childlessness a few different ways and while it seems to work for a little while it always comes down to those four words i tried to be positive i tried to be helpful to other women who have questions and i can t just keep answering questions and watching the anonymous people have success i decided with the man s help that i just can t do that anymore in the last two years all three of my younger siblings will have become parents in the last two years all of my very best friends have become mothers the most recent being my very best friend who married in march and became a step mother which is perfect for her because she never actually wants to be pregnant or particularly wants to deal with those early years she is happy with her place in her daughter s life and i swear on all that i hold dear if one more person tries to tell me i am a mother because i have dogs might just be the straw that breaks this camel s back 1 comment from darker side of me family health and lack thereof infertility life socialvibe ovarian cancer funding april 18 2010 tags funding ovarian cancer research socialvibe women s health hey all so i am sure most of you noticed the new widget i have in my sidebar if you haven t then i would ask that you please have a look in my sidebar ovarian cancer needs more funding this is close to my heart because about 12 years ago my favorite aunt my grandma s sister died from ovarian cancer to click on the link will not cost you any money just a couple of minutes and some space on your facebook or twitter or myspace the sponsor listed will donate money for every minute logged in from this blog as the majority of my readers here are women i am hoping that you will all help out i mean the most of us have reproductive issues as it is thus infertility but our paths while difficult are not fatal i ask that you click the link as you would for the breast cancer awareness movement ovarian cancer deserves the same level of research and that can t be accomplished without funding and for those of you who are men please click the link to honor the women in your family if you d like to make a monetary donation then please go to ovarian cancer national alliance from ovariancancer org each year in the united states more than 21 000 women are diagnosed with ovarian cancer and about 15 000 women die of the disease the american cancer society estimates that about 21 550 new cases of ovarian cancer will be diagnosed in the united states during 2009 a woman s lifetime risk of developing invasive ovarian cancer is 1 in 71 a woman s lifetime risk of dying from invasive ovarian cancer is 1 in 95 ovarian cancer survival rates are much lower than other cancers that affect women overall the ten year relative survival rate for ovarian cancer patients is 39 the relative five year survival rate is 46 percent survival rates vary depending on the stage of diagnosis women diagnosed at an early stage have a much higher five year survival rate than those diagnosed at a later stage fewer than 20 percent of ovarian cancer patients are diagnosed early comparison of cancer survival rates women diagnosed with breast cancer in 1975 experienced a five year survival rate of 75 3 percent today the american cancer society estimates the rate to be 89 percent women diagnosed with cervical cancer in 1975 experienced a five year survival rate of 69 percent today the american cancer society estimates the rate to be 71 percent women diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 1975 experienced a five year survival rate of 34 8 percent today the american cancer society estimates the rate to be 46 percent leave a comment from family friends health interesting reads life life and whatnot april 15 2010 i know that by the title of this particular post those of you who actually still read this thing will be expecting it to be long but it won t be i only have one thing to say and it is so pathetic and well i won t expand the idea or try and dwell on it because there really isn t any use in that life is passing me by leave a comment from life april 1 2010 really long really april 8 2010 a more appropriate title of this post is catharsis but i ll leave it as is but it is certainly a warning life is definitely circular my nephew was born 20 days early and sure did take his sweet time to get here he was born on april fool s day and god help him he will not trust any of his tio s one iota on his birthday after age 7 he is healthy and alert to the day he came home a month from the date my step brother passed and the fact did not escape my notice here we are a week later 12 days to go to his due date and he continues to do well i don t want to say that i have not thought about posting but really it was and continues to be a strange bag of emotions a bag that apparently is deeper than i originally thought my husband is leaving sunday for a month to train for his deployment again to iraq we weren t even here three weeks before he got his orders so i sigh and figure that this is what god fate has handed to me though i don t know why like there is some major lesson that needs to be learned and i am too obtuse to figure it out so i continue to get crap piled on my plate i should also mention that as far as my fibro cfs is concerned i am on a quick down ward spiral my last appointment with the acupuncture was well over a month ago i have never gone more than 3 5 weeks and have many times had to ask for an appointment before that my meds are running out and i couldn t get an appointment here earlier than the 13th though i call every morning and see if there is a cancellation either i call too early or there are people calling before i do i don t know but the result is the same yesterday i was up for about six hours of the day that is 18 hours of sleep and while today has been a bit better it certainly hasn t been pain free my knees hurt my ankles and feet hurt my elbows wrists and fingers hurt the worst is the headaches because there isn t anything i can do about those as the weeks passed i could feel the muscles knot from my head to my neck into my shoulder blades and lower back my left shoulder is sitting higher than my right because of the knots my bra is unbearable and the seat belt of the car just barely so but here they don t cover acupuncture as a side note they also don t cover anything related to fertility outside diagnosis and i have already been handed one of those infertile all those months of waiting for my turn at the fertility clinic in san antonio went straight into the trash since the referral is no longer valid with the move which means or rather what i am expecting that they will just put me...