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i added everything up it was even more expensive than i initially thought which was still more than we could borrow now and for the near maybe far future i m in a place of feeling completely hopeless and sad about this predicament i m grieving hard and i m longing for a baby no it s not fair the only consolation is that i m not alone maybe no one in my family will ever understand but i know my peeps out there will will i wallow in front of the tv after work will i resort to chocolate as self medication while all my teeth rot out of my mouth literally i m so bah humbug about this x mas season it isn t even funny i seriously need some therapy 10 comments from uncategorized i suppose i should say something november 6 2010 i know i ve been gone it isn t you it s me let s look at the year in review first wasn t hungry and went on a weight loss regime lost 6 pounds looked good but didn t feel happy went back to eating chocolate for therapy i pay for it later at the dentist then ran my first 10k think forrest gump running across the country after his mother dies took a break afterward the race still grieving guess i didn t run enough tried not inhaling thanks to mar i nol that s a pretty good story actually tried inhaling thanks to stepson gifting me with mm wonder why i was so obsessed with it as a teenager too potent for me though it does take my mind off things temporarily then after days and weeks of coming home after work and vegging in front of the tv i sign up for a triathlon training for triathlon still not happy but at least the exercise keeps me from feeling depressed have an emotional meltdown the night before the triathlon feeling like a failure complete the triathlon the next day still sad somewhere in there i deleted most of my google reader subscriptions it was too hard for me to read of all the successes either pregnancies in many different ways adoptions foster care etc seemed like everyone was moving on except me sorry for not being there for you i wonder if anyone is still reading this so where are we at adoption is out magic won t agree to it one family member did kinda sorta agree to be an egg donor that s an interesting story too i guess i was hoping the whole family thing would be really kumbya but it wasn t the waiting for an answer was excruciating one family member hasn t responded since i asked her i can t even say where she is at other than perhaps she is still too young to process it grateful for the new connection i have established with my one niece who was very thoughtful about the whole thing a year will have gone by i think i am over my genes but don t know if we ll ever be able to afford donor eggs still paying for last year s failure ivf i know that we won t be doing donor eggs any time soon i wish it would be sooner but having to wait maybe another year or more being patient is hard when you feel sad about not having a family i m not sure what to do with this blog i ve been incredibly busy these last few months with the garden and whatnot but the garden work is winding down and i find myself not able to let go of my losses the only way seems to surrender to the sadness but that is getting so old anyway just thought i should say something instead of just leaving y all hangin let me know if you have any ideas or want to hear more than the cliff notes version of the last year if there still is anyone out there 15 comments from uncategorized i knew this day was coming july 7 2010 i haven t seen a regular doctor since my last ivf failed but one of my ticking genetic time bombs finally exploded and i need to take care of something i ve been watching this vein in my leg just waiting for it to pop well it never really popped but it started to really hurt after i would run you see i have varicose veins and it s genetic there isn t anything i can do about it this made me feel old dealing with my varicose veins until i found out my dad had his stripped at age 27 my sister had her s done too after her 4th pregnancy in her late 30s i thought they would just be ugly i didn t realize that they would actually hurt pain is my motivation so i started doctor shopping i had an appointment yesterday with a new doctor i felt excited that i was going to finally deal with this painful thing but while i was driving down i was starting to panic i started to have the same feelings of anxiety depression of being out of control that i had during ivf when i got to the doctor s office the waiting room was crowded at 4 00pm not a good sign there were unhealthy old people in the waiting room after 15 minutes i was asked if i wanted to reschedule because it was going to be awhile there were three other people ahead of me i thought i would wait since i had driven an hour to get to this doctor as i sat there i felt more and more uneasy after another 25 minutes no other patient had been seen since i had gotten there 40 minutes ago at one point the doctor came out and was socializing with one of the patients i thought if he was so busy why wasn t he working with his patients i was getting more and more freaked out having flashbacks like i was waiting for my re so i finally just announced i m leaving no one asked if i wanted to reschedule thankfully i left and had to take a walk to let my emotions out and calm down i was feeling like i did when i was pregnant and felt like no doctor really cared about me or what i was going through today i tried to make an appointment with another doctor who specializes in varicose veins when they gave me their address i though it sounded eerily familiar i had to confirm where i had heard of this address before this doctor s office is right next to my old fertility clinic s office i don t think i can go see the new doctor knowing i have to walk by my old fertility clinic that brought me so many unhappy memories the stress just isn t worth it will i ever be able to live a normal life again where my if past doesn t haunt me every step of the way will i ever go through a day not replaying all the past scenarios in my head over and over and over again about what happened during and after my ivf cycles will i ever be happy just being me and not waiting for a child to make me happy because it just doesn t feel like i ll ever have any peace or resolution around this 7 comments from uncategorized why i want to adopt june 19 2010 do not attempt to adjust your computer screen you are reading this right i did not realize how much training for a 10k distracted me from my grief until i stopped running i ran the 10k race on memorial day and didn t go running again for another 10 days in those 10 days a new wave of grief emerged four days later i become unglued on an emotional meltdown so disorienting i took a sick day from work i had dinner on a pint of chocolate ice cream dairy free of course and a chocolate bar so yes to answer mrs lc s question i do eat lots of sugary things with chocolate in them as a way to try to soothe my pain then on the day of magic and i s wedding anniversary instead of celebrating five years of marriage i grieved the five years i spent trying to have a child with him i saw my first re just two months after we got married i grieved the loss of having a daughter who would look like a combination of the two of us just when i thought i was really over my genes i ve grieving it all over again i think i m beginning to get used to this pattern just when i think the grief is resolved it hits me again when i m least expecting it just when i thought i was over believing in miracle pregnancies here i am believing it might just happen for me again denial as magic says it s his favorite river apparently i m fond of this river too sigh i told myself that after the bfn of the last ivf with my own eggs i would give myself 6 months to grieve and not think about anything baby making related while the weight loss regime and 10k training served as distractions i admit that i was not very good at not thinking about my next scheme about having a child i thought about it a lot now it s six months post bfn and i have arrived at a place i really didn t think i would be i have always thought about adoption when i realized what ivf was all about 5 or 6 years ago i would have rather adopted but magic was adamantly against it now adopting seems so right for me for many reasons let me list them here 1 genes do not make a family yes it s kind of a nice perk but i can t say that genes have made my family particularly close as a stepmom i ve been in training for years to love children that aren t mine at least not in the genetic sense i know i can love children that are not genetically related to me 2 pregnancy is a bad idea for me as much as my body wants to be pregnant and tells me it wants to be pregnant my brain knows it s a really bad idea part of what unglued me a week ago was reading a tragic story of a local woman who most likely has post partum depression psychosis and killed her 6 month old son i could see myself in this woman i knew it could have been me just the short time i was pregnant with the prenatal depression and anxiety i experienced is enough for me to know that i would have been the post partum train wreck the other thing that triggered me about this woman s tragic story is that i believe it could have been possible that my mother tried to smother when i was an infant this never even occurred to me until i was pregnant myself and i started having unexpected vivid flashbacks of my young childhood memories that are very difficult to access i ll never know if this suspicion i have is correct because i think that even if it did happen it s not something my mother remembers or will ever acknowledge this isn t just the run of the mill trying to dig up some trauma to blame my parents on i had a recurring nightmare as a kid of being smothered it was a very abstract dream so it took me a very long time to make this connection 42 years to be exact it s either one of two things 1 birth trauma possibly from being born breech or 2 someone tried to smother me at a very young age long story short pregnancy mental illness for me not something i want to try at home ever again 3 cost getting practical here donor eggs is going to cost 40k minimum i don t have that kind of money nor do i want to gamble that much money on something that has the chance of not working which leads me to 4 ivf sucks i think i can safely say that i ve been traumatized by ivf i don t think i could go through another ivf cycle without some guarantees which isn t going to happen my body cringes when i think about going through it again i don t particularly like that putting one embryo back doesn t guarantee that you end up with one child i don t like that wildly out of control whoops your embryo split kind of surprise you can have too much of a good thing i could suck it up and go through that all again but it brings me back to 2 and with the artificial hormones that makes prenatal depression and anxiety all the more likely 5 human beings are hard on the planet this is a big one for me everyday i see how we are poisoning our world i think of that big oil slick in the gulf and i get sick at the idea of creating another human being who is going to be using up lots and lots of resources i work in the environmental field and it breaks my heart to see natural areas being bulldozed for housing developments i read stories of floating islands of plastic in our oceans climate change is here and it is undoubtedly from the amount of fossil fuels we are burning at an astronomical rate being in the environmental field climate change and how to manage for it is a huge unknown topic that is looming large in the scientific and applied sciences right now there will always be children to adopt i feel better making a difference in the world through adoption rather than adding to the world population crisis 6 i want to be able to ask for one girl and get one girl i know this sounds picky but we really want just one child and we want that child to be a girl i know several people who have adopted and have been able to ask for the particular gender of the baby they wanted they may have had to wait a little longer but in the end they did get what they wanted if you ve been following my story for a while you ll know why it s so important for us to have one girl 7 i like the idea of open adoption i think this can be very healing for all involved i think because of where i am at now in life i can have compassion for what a woman would go through to give her child up for adoption i don t know if i am going to adopt for the first time ever a crack has appeared in magic s wall of opposition to adoption he sees how sad i am i explained to him my reasons that i have listed above and he agreed that they made sense particularly the part about ppd he saw what i went through when i was pregnant he gets this part more than probably anybody else could so what s next magic and i need to explore this more in counseling i know the perfect person to see i just need to make the appointment i haven t made the appointment yet because i want to make sure this is the right thing for me i want to make sure that this is my heart speaking and not just my hormones and not just my instincts that s a very hard thing to pull apart let s just say i m not there yet 14 comments from adoption race results and drama june 6 2010 cowbells marshmallows and bacon that s what i remember from my first 10k run last week first the race drama i rested two days before the race that turned out to be a mistake i was so wired the night before the race i didn t sleep well i had to get up at 3am and do a workout just to get to sleep i think i slept 4 hours total which did not bode well for my heart rate we also did not allow ourselves enough time to get to our wave start we hurriedly worked ourselves through the crowds to get to our wave about 30 seconds before it started we were in wave mr which i think stands for move to the rear there were a total of 88 waves so our alphabetical order will give you an idea of how far back we were when the gun went off bear asked if we were starting and i said this is it forget the warm up we were off i was too distracted to notice that dr _oz did not start our wave he was one of the race starters and runners but he was up in wave ma for his race the blues brothers greeted us half a mile down the road elvis was somewhere around mile 1 5 most of the other 28 bands on the course sucked let s just say i was glad to have my i pod with me i really liked the male belly dancer though the marshmallow toss was somewhere around mile 2 2 i dodged them and tried not to get a marshmallow stuck to my running shoe somehow i missed the slip n slide around mile 3 and the tater tot toss i did see people plunging into a sizable baby pool but skipped that i just wanted to meet my goal the giant bacon sign at mile 5 with pork is the new powerbar written over it cracked me up i think the...