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with heavy make up husbands for money and poofy hair by underwater i mean in an aquarium that has gone out of business by museum i mean an exhibition of photos personal effects drawings paintings sculpture of and by painted zoftigs life size wax painted zoftig figures and so forth i ll begin by featuring the following painted zoftigs and add more as they occur to me gabor sisters sante kimes before prison anna nicole smith liz taylor jayne mansfield an assortment of mafia borscht belt las vegas and florida ladies tammy fay baker liza minelli almost but not quite it s a bare bones list but i have to start somewhere the real moneymaker in my museum will be the children s underwater sleepover modeled after the aquarium sleepovers that are so popular with the bourgeoisie my sleepovers will take place in the painted zoftig underwater viewing area kids will learn about the ladies eat pizza and fall asleep to the hypnotic blue glow of the painted zoftig life size wax figure underwater tank the children will wake up screaming i suppose after they calm down and roll up their sleeping bags it ll be frosted flakes time if this electrifying vision appears a little desperate that s because i thought of it while running without my walkman 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 7 26 pm 0 comments go vikings i wish professional football players would play without pads or helmets that way players would occasionally die of injuries on the field it would be an honor to die on the field the bereaved might erect small white crosses on the field where players fall fans would leave mounds of flowers and teddy bears by the field crosses other players would have to play carefully so as not to disturb the crosses and mounds of loving debris sometimes a player might lose his temper and kick one of the crosses into the stands or tear a teddy bear to shreds with his teeth not classy fans would probably boo eventually team morale would sink so low that players would just drive their cars onto the field the football itself would fall out of use the object would be to smash your car into cars of the other football players until your car is the last car running 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 7 12 am 0 comments saturday august 14 2004 the only souse allowed on my sidewalk at 3 a m is me you thought you could sneak a few clubs by me demon rum but i cottoned onto you mighty swift like the disreputable barrooms in my milieu have proliferated like arms and i was curious where does the temperance movement stand today surely a few mustachioed scowling harridans hold the standard on some bleak mountaintop i commanded my research team to find answers my research team is lazy and consists of me and google so little was accomplished however i discovered that the women s christian temperance union still exists to join you pledge total abstinence and you pay dues here s the pledge i hereby solemnly promise god helping me to abstain from all distilled fermented and malt liquors including wine beer and hard cider and to employ all proper means to discourage the use of and traffic in the same dues are ten bucks that could mean a loss of about five happy hour beers if you take the pledge seriously it means a loss of a lifetime of beers i don t want to lose a lifetime of beers i want my neighborhood to lose a lifetime of beers i need only one bar for my purposes the other 39 bars have got to go i m making a list of the things i m going to do when i get my time machine and number 144 is transport carrie nation to my neighborhood for one merry afternoon of saloon smashing i would have her back home by dinnertime 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 7 46 pm 0 comments let s get america moving again the campaign season is too long it distracts voters from scott peterson in paris was he in paris eeee i m sure i ll never know anyhoo during a levitra commercial i devised an improved campaign structure 1 first each candidate for president completes an application in his or her own handwriting i suggest we cut costs by using that free art test where you draw the turtle pirate candidates can write their ideas for the future on the back candidates mail a copy of the application to each voter 2 urine sample collected on live tv tested by maury povich s lab staff 3 one month to stump 4 one 8 hour debate on live tv open bar for debaters no food or water served 5 we vote 6 loser sacrificed to sun god on live tv 7 winner violently hazed by current administration on live tv excellent isn t it a brief campaign that reflects american values and frees up time for such autumnal activities as back to school shopping stowing patio furniture locating and airing out sexy cat costume in time for halloween frying smelt winging crab apples at cars et cetera maybe you don t know what smelt is maybe smelt is fried in the spring i can t help you with any of that it s not my thing my thing is getting america moving again 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 7 00 pm 0 comments shark attack just kidding for now i am in the process of patenting the personal shark system the multi tiered scatological microbial aquaculture system that will revolutionize the self directed shark attack industry i will make it possible for you to create and control shark attack scenerios in any body of water large or small look out loved ones 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 7 18 am 0 comments wednesday august 11 2004 i ve taken to things when trinny and fatty show up at my door in order to rip all of the unsightly clothing from my closet they ll have a surprise waiting for them i ve taken to hiding my unsightly clothing in the refrigerator nothing tops chilled trousers on a beastly humid august morning unfortunately it s been colder than a witch s teat here in the metropolis real mitten weather now i ve taken to warming my clothing at the hearth so if you ve been wondering why all my cruddy clothing is singed and sooty it s because i warm my refrigerator clothes before an open flame why live in fear of trinny and fatty do you see how fear of trinny and fatty is tearing you apart and destroying the last vestiges of your clothing people ask me huh what am i supposed to fear if not trinny and fatty centipedes banking small talk barfing too late peoples i already fear those things 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 1 14 pm 0 comments tuesday august 10 2004 tea for me when i stand out of doors surveying all that i own i often say to myself why isn t someone here offering me a cup of tea i m not entirely opposed to making my own tea to be sure what i m saying is that i would drink wads more of it if someone else made it for me cup of tea someone would ask yes duh of course yes i would reply if this tea wrangler passed me a mug of black tea or worse a mug of hot water with a tea bag in it i would slap the mug from his hand pluck the mug from the lawn and strike the brute with it i think its clear that i d like my tea with milk and sugar i d also like my tea in a cup with a saucer if i can t find someone who makes my tea the way i like it i will just go on complaining about it until they send me to the bughouse if its crazy to want someone else to make me a cup of tea then that s where i belong and in case you re wondering i will complain while i m there too 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 1 23 pm 0 comments monday august 09 2004 sunday afternoon plague of flies though i couldn t smell it i suspect that a mouse carcass burst open in some disused room or alcove yesterday because by mid afternoon the house was thick with flies fat old molly was everywhere at once whipping saucepans through windows overturning potted plants and tearing doors from their jambs all in frenzied effort to halt the ghastly onslaught of flies we needed all hands on deck i helped with my red flyswatter until a fly i swatted exploded into a yellow gob of maggots that s when i stopped swatting and considered showering later when the flies thinned and fat old molly relaxed at the table with a cold compress and a gin ricky i heard her tell some poor kitchen sap about the time she almost died in a dairy barn and woke with maggots feasting on her bare feet that s just the kind of crap you learn when you listen at doors 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 7 00 pm 0 comments sunday august 08 2004 i m high on whalebone corsets do you like stories that are short i do not to be confused with short stories which i loathe i like stories that are short because time is money do you like money no matter do you like stories that are short and involve buxom ladies with corsets around their knees flying suddenly from their toilets into public waiting rooms i do too we have much in common you and i 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 7 00 pm 0 comments august is ghost finding month i suppose it is reasonable to assume that my house hasn t any ghosts but i m going to assume that it has and i m going to find them doubting dave of discovery kid s mystery hunters has three suggestions for me 1 if you draw chalk circles around household items you will notice when the ghosts move your stuff while i m not too lazy to draw chalk circles around my stuff i am too lazy to locate and unearth my cache of hoarded chalk my carefully monitored chalk circles would surely draw the attention of anne who would begin to underestimate my sanity if she has not begun to do so already 2 use a compass to detect any unusual electromagnetic business in your home every time i take a step forward my compass needle jiggles what does it mean am i unsteady on my feet do my ghosts suffer delirium tremens yes 3 use a digital thermometer to find ghostly cold spots in your home i don t have a digital thermometer other factors indicating the presence of ghosts in my house the floors creak when i step on them key snacks go missing long before they ought to small piles of mixed change become piles of only pennies my phone never rings hair in the drain the cats don t like their food the servants have all left in a fright tap water tastes ghosty 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 00 am 0 comments saturday august 07 2004 on sunday i d like to order breakfast for tomorrow i ll have waffles with strawberries syrup and whip cream i ll have coffee with honey and cream i ll need some salty bits too so bacon will have to do after breakfast i m going to need a driver because i plan on going somewhere outstanding like europe i d like to stand on the roadways or on the pavements gray and all that and then i m going to have to turn around and go home again because there s good tv on sunday night 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 8 00 pm 1 comments mayor goldie wilson is going to clean up this town i have a radical idea that will blow your minds i m going to buy an entire city block and raze it then i m going to put in a hard rock café a cold stone creamery an arcade a parking garage a fantastic cinema and so forth ha criticize me then i will be the boss of you i will permit you to loiter outside my fantasy compound but you will have to wear one of the following uniforms 1 nylon skullcap a humungous jersey roomy trousers and some really terrific shoes or 2 a relaxed button down pastel shirt black or brown wrinkle free slacks you must refer to them as slacks brown scuffed shoes and reading material if you conform not to my uniform restrictions i will set my hounds upon you actually i already hate this idea forget i brought it up and if you steal my mind blowing idea and i see my rejected idea come to fruition i will be heartily wroth i will set my hounds upon you 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 7 00 pm 1 comments each day brings more joy m donna s kabbalah grammar school opens this december in nyc will she find enough aging talmudic scholars to fill a classroom and will the bearded ones respond favorably when referred to as children unless she means to gasp recruit actual children for her school no that is outlandish that s not the kabbalah i know that s not the madonna i know she would never or would she after all her munchausen school by proxy was a smashing success 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 7 00 am 1 comments the salad days or when a thong was a thong when i was a poker faced and dubious robot child in 1980s iowa i called flip flops thongs and so did everybody else even the smash poet gallagher called flip flops thongs these days however thongs are scandalous uncomfortable unmentionables they are not footwear i have come to terms with this modern distinction but have the others i fear i shall never know 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 7 00 am 1 comments thursday august 05 2004 my clarinet myself i recently exhumed my hated clarinet and like most recovered corpses its unholy odor rose to the high heavens and knocked the very birds from the sky did i rush to assemble the confounded machinery and tootle five bars of i lift up my finger and i say tweet tweet no and i didn t dance around the open case with jazz hands either instead i silently relived the horror of middle school band the lessons in the airless vault with the deeply pocked and oily bachelor instructor the sideways derisive glances from wee colleagues who had new sweet smelling clarinets and later the lies o the lies just play clarinet for one more semester and then we ll move you to oboe well mrs gulden you wild eyed deceiver that certainly didn t happen did it 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 55 pm 2 comments tuesday august 03 2004 and he preserved the blessed union of these united states if the question who is your favorite president is bandied about your office and you proclaim your affection for grant and your boss mocks your choice while refusing to commit to any particular president herself why that just makes a sucker out of you doesn t it yes i am afraid it does i like president grant i said a warrior el jefe cried foam flying from her chops teeth gnashing a warrior reader you were not even there but you blood boils eh of course it boils u s grant was a man of exquisite fortitude tremendous passion and mind boggling physical beauty which is why i could not defend him properly in the office my mind was boggled by his bold passionate beauty 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 1 28 pm 0 comments monday august 02 2004 i will call it fae wellington s the bed breakfast experience i will probably never open a bed and breakfast if i do however remember this do not stay at my bed and breakfast i am easily irritated and i will not put any real effort into providing you a proper breakfast i will probably set a box of graham crackers at the foot of the stairs for you and i may tape it to the wall to discourage you from absconding with the entire box you pig nine other guests have to eat from that box while bunking at my b b you will have to follow my rules 1 your shoes must not make noise 2 you are never allowed to whistle sing or hum even if you think i can t hear yo...