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Text of the page (random words):
topic drift january 2006 comment link margin left 6em topic drift everything here is true some things are truer than others some things should be true but are not all things are based on truth how truthful i am o truth et cetera from the desk of esther wilberforce packard typing from minneapolis mn tuesday post there are limits peril at every turn she bears my right to arm supports what late morning science wednesday again wednesday quickly write to me here i track zoe zoetracker 3000 normblog profile here old posts my oeuvre le menu gospel of judas dr jon train pets named deborah antiques roadshow deathbed scene fairy tales chef d oeuvre interview psychic nearly dies party jokes life of rafe my moon rock burping buddhists i read you probably debbie i mowed your lawn hybrid fat n sassy a l daily lileks stephenesque armavirumque otto da fe mike toole the social affairs unit spectator outer life boris johnson enoch soames misspent life hatemonger s quarterly stefan geens shorpy a fistful of euros an englishman s castle byzantium s shores fugio patum peperium chris cope is full of crap american digest feigning interest irish elk llama butchers jewlicious riehl world view my vast right wing conspiracy swapatorium spirit fingers squander two blog micah newman tim worstall the sharpener six meat buffet song from a distant planet scrappleface about last night sharp as a marble white pebble mick hartley poor richard s anorak normblog chase me ladies i m in the cavalry emerald bile stay of execution fafblog knowledge is power andrew cusack right hand of god adloyada chicken yoghurt shane the afe blog the brutality of reason chemical billy tinkerty tonk zippy the fish imonk derring do comma dot comma lein girlz 3 bogol scribal terror dies irae june 2004 july 2004 august 2004 september 2004 october 2004 november 2004 december 2004 january 2005 february 2005 march 2005 april 2005 may 2005 june 2005 july 2005 august 2005 september 2005 october 2005 november 2005 december 2005 january 2006 february 2006 march 2006 april 2006 may 2006 june 2006 july 2006 august 2006 september 2006 october 2006 november 2006 december 2006 february 2007 april 2007 may 2007 july 2007 august 2007 october 2007 december 2007 january 2008 may 2008 june 2008 july 2008 september 2008 october 2008 november 2009 december 2009 current posts tuesday january 31 2006 books they re not just for carnies anymore i was just lining up my books on the bookshelf when it occurred to me that i ve never read any of them the last book i read was the valley of the dolls and i needed cliffs notes just to get past chapter 4 they didn t have valley of the dolls cliffs notes back then so i had to make do with the mimeographed tale of two cities glossary i found on the bus i kept thinking that the book would be better if neely was a talking car not just any car either but a jeep grande cherokee 3 7 liter v6 with independent front multilink rear suspension and quadra drive ii 4wd i mean is that even possible in just one car if you re looking for rugged off road capabilities and a five star crash test rating the jeep grand cherokee can t be beat at any rate i think the book is flawed 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 6 18 pm 3 comments wednesday january 25 2006 superfluous lunch i was just sitting at my desk when bee brought me an apple it was cut into pieces but i already had an apple today i can t eat two and now i have this redundant fragmented apple that won t keep because its innards are exposed to the elements i don t know what to do about it this reminds me of the time i was invited to a lunch picnic after i d already eaten lunch i attended the picnic anyway and ate a second lunch when i returned home i discovered that i d also been invited to an impromptu afternoon pool party but because i was too busy eating a superfluous lunch i missed a perfect opportunity to float face up in a pool it also reminds me of the time young napoleon bonaparte was building a diorama for his literature class and he wanted to portray the scene from king lear where ophelia drowns but his friend luc told him that that s a girls scene so napoleon scraped the whole project and built a miniature bullet train diorama he got an f because nobody had written a novel about bullet trains yet 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 47 am 6 comments tuesday january 24 2006 vitally important link before you see the opera bouffe read the interview 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 1 47 pm 3 comments monday january 23 2006 it s time to put your feet up and take your mind off your troubles item apparently the wall street journal offices are rife with disease i know this because people keep finding topic drift by googling wall street journal staph infections as i always say torpid speculation in conjunction with five distinct google searches constitutes a convergence of evidence or proof is it safe to handle your morning wall street journal not on your life staph can be deadly just read the wsj online or better yet discontinue your subscription immediately pack your bags and enlist in the french foreign legion you deserve it it s time to put your feet up and take your mind off your troubles in addition to putting up your feet you will need to be able to do 30 pushups and 50 situps you must be able to climb a 20 foot rope without using said feet or a ladder and you must be able to run 8 kilometres with a 12 kilogram rucksack in less than one hour you must do 8 chinups with your palms away from you as you grip the bar and you must not be married these are not my personal stipulations they are the grandiose stipulations of the french foreign legion who are you to question the french foreign legion let s eat 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 9 54 am 6 comments sunday january 22 2006 it s not a stick just the other day a guy walked up to me and told me that my shoes were untied good one i said as i turned away but i m not wearing any shoes but the guy wouldn t give up he told me that i definitely had shoes on pfff how could he know i was wearing my rabbit thunder ice hockey mascot uniform he said he had the feeling that inside my rabbit uniform my shoes were untied so i stepped back and clobbered him with my carrot later during my routine i noticed an enormous woman hollering and gesturing in the stands i knew something was up because rabbit thunder fans always sit quietly or read the paper during my routine when i moved closer to the stands i lifted my earflap and listened she was all why did you hit my son with your hockey stick he was trying to ask you for a date you stupid rabbit why did you hit my son with your hockey stick stupid rabbit well i never it s not a stick it s a carrot i shouted in reply i held my hockey carrot aloft and pointed to it with my other mitten i hit him with my carrot 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 26 am 3 comments friday january 20 2006 aaaawwk i was wondering how people feel when they come to topic drift and i have nothing new to offer them sad probably sometimes i get overwhelmed by the labor involved in signing in to my account all that typing and tabbing and entering and waiting then i get hungry and i have to make toast by the time my toast is ready the mary tyler moore show is on then it s time for ice cream them i have to floss and brush my teeth or i ll just keep eating until sunrise here s a good joke what did the crane say to the zebra aaaawwk he said aaaawwk it s all in the delivery the thing about this particular joke is you have to ask the question very softly very gently then after your dupe leans in and whispers what what did he say then you let out the terrifying deafening drum shattering aaaawwwwk it really makes people angry this joke the angry means success make no mistake about it your dupe doesn t even have to be fluent in english as they say in the theatre the language of angry is universal 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 10 38 am 3 comments tuesday january 17 2006 why i use word verification comment technology listen if you have a problem with my word verification scheme just shut up and have a cigarette stop being so pushy commenting on topic drift is like falling off a triceratops it s a privilege not a right and if you tell the wrong people about it you ll quickly build a reputation as a lonely lowly mooncalf who bays at the lovely lonely moon in the frightful night sky with the baying and the mooning and the sky with the moon amen besides international word verification makes it possible for two diseased children from kwatzankore to visit america every year for lifesaving leg transfusions i do what i can some people give blood some people give cash i use international word verification and i m not sorry 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 4 45 pm 8 comments monday january 16 2006 cowboy movie i just dusted the plant don t you hate cowboy movies i do the only cowboy movie i d watch is a cowboy movie where the cowboys are actually domestic cats trained to use a human toilet this movie would feature approx 70 minutes of cowboy cats and their toilet theatrics suddenly a human toddler shows up and spies a small cowboy cat using the toilet he laughs and laughs and laughs hilarious then he runs out of the bathroom trips over his elmo falls heavily and emits a piercing shriek that lasts anywhere from four to seven minutes all this noise scares the cowboy cats so they hide under the sofa until someone opens a can of fancy feast when hollywood starts making the movies i want to see i will go to the theater until then stalemate 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 11 49 pm 9 comments thursday january 12 2006 japanese japan candies from japan chicago americaland i m feeling a little under the weather my tongue feels wrong and my throat it s not right fortunately bee gave me some japan candies from japan she didn t go all the way to japan for them she only went as far as chicago the candies are tan cola taffy with interior chunks of effervescent white powder and cola flavored gummy material they have all the americaland cola candy beat you wait here i ll take a picture delicious note the white speck that s a fizzy part and the darker speck that s a cola gummy speck you may wish to print out this photo and keep it in your wallet you get the idea cola head puts on his nicest denim overalls and dusts the candy brick the candy website has a silent cartoon about an anthropomorphic strawberry who lives in an enormous strawberry and goes into hysterics when another strawberry pets a pear i don t know how the cartoon ends because it was too tedious to sit through 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 7 15 pm 7 comments wednesday january 11 2006 overheard today i heard someone approach the office fax machine and say big money no whammys disgusting 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 3 09 pm 21 comments monday january 09 2006 they shut us down doreen and i wrote so many comments so quickly on my last post that blogger disabled my comments right as i was about to tell doreen where to go go to hell doreen confidential to doreen i ll be over at 6 for the salmon aspic dinner 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 4 22 pm 9 comments spring rolls i had vegetable spring rolls for lunch they were delicious and they didn t have any of those stupid noodles inside 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 2 58 pm 37 comments disgraceful enthusiasm in the heartland word has it that in some parts of america a salutatory how are you doesn t really mean how are you but simply hello or hey and that in minnesota when you greet people with an innocuous how are you they will fling wide the gates of dignity with a hearty say i m doing just fine how are you so how do i proceed when someone from i don t know let s say jersey city asks how are you hmm it s a risky enterprise i don t want to look foolish in front of jersey city citizenry that much is certain i don t want jersey city man to think i ve never set foot outside of the tri state area in fact i ve been to canada on two occasions doesn t matter though i guess i want what everyone wants i want the citizens of new jersey to believe that i am just as sophisticated as they are and i want it in writing will let you know when this happens 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 10 07 am 4 comments thursday january 05 2006 what really happened at city hall or my emotional emotional mayor the tears rolled down his cheeks as the mayor gingerly placed the burrito in my open hands the values that laid the groundwork for an ambitious agenda will allow minneapolis to rightfully claim its place as the great american city of our time and we should settle for nothing less also we offer chili sauce in mild extra mild and clear with that he collapsed on the countertop sobbing and wretching and clutching his chest i wanted to leave quickly and quietly but i tripped over a mop and dropped my burrito a replacement burrito seemed out of the question given the inevitable bureaucratic hassle and the mayor s fragile mental state consecutive days without sun in minneapolis 13 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 5 16 pm 4 comments urgent human rights petition please sign immediately the veronicas should be disowned by australia 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 1 05 am 4 comments pupilometrics i would have blogged sooner but i ve been studying pupilometrics pupilometrics the study of the black eye dot not everyone has a black eye dot you have to have eyeballs first if you are without eyeballs you are likely without pupils what i m saying is this pupilometrics is a very complex area of study pupilometrics is what happens when pupils puporate in the presence of visuals i have reached an advanced state of knowledge of pupilometrics in a matter of minutes by utilizing a specialized soak strategy wherein i actually puporate the pupilometrics textbook it s like speed reading but faster i would like to tell you more about this exciting science but i have to be at city hall in five minutes the mayor is microwaving me a burrito 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 12 57 am 4 comments tuesday january 03 2006 january the sun hasn t shown on minneapolis in 11 days i just ate some raisins though so things are looking up also it s only 9 40 and i ve already remembered the alamo twice 2004 2009 by esther wilberforce packard 9 36 am 4 comments