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a big woohoo and let s celebrate type of posting but the reality is that i went straight from struggling through the last few months of my business to throwing myself into attempts to transform a daycare home into a home that suits our needs i spent my time going through massive amounts of toys excessive amounts of children s books and many personal items that were simply shoved around daycare items into spare nooks and crannies in the house in other words four years of daycare in this house meant that the house was full of hidden chaos and disorganization it still is four years worth of shoving our belongings to the side is not fixed in a few months but it s a lot better and we re a lot more functional i also decided that the eighth and ninth month of pregnancy was a lovely time to sew a bunch of handmade christmas gifts do you see how logical i am so in addition to attempting to get the house ready and struggling with the exhaustion that late pregnancy brings i also sewed my butt off the funny thing is that i m not done but part of my family will be having christmas in february so those gifts will be sewn after baby is born as i refuse to do another ounce of sewing in my pregnant state there s something about sitting there in the same position at the sewing machine for hours at a time that makes it hard for me to walk for the next few days it s not pleasant at all i was so happy to get handmade things made for my kiddos though i m sad that captain s gift still did not get done but such is life he will either get it late or get it for next christmas and yes i m still pregnant in my tenth month of pregnancy to be exact i carried my second child into my 42nd week of pregnancy before he decided to come out and meet the world this one is following that same path so birthing will occur literally any minute now and we can t wait to meet our little one now this all has nothing to do with dd but i just wanted you to hear all of the personal things that have kept my time i will share another thing that has kept me away i ve really really struggled with dd throughout this pregnancy early on i was disappointed that captain wasn t stepping up as i saw it and then i was mad when he did i don t know i feel like something switched in my pregnant and hormonal brain emotionally it seems that i just can t handle being spanked while pregnant i just couldn t get in the right frame of mind to be okay with it and it wasn t about fear of harming baby or anything as i have no doubt baby would ve been fine and captain was only doing very light spankings anyways as he is one to be very cautious about such things it was more that the dynamic itself was getting to me i even told him that i can t do this right now and i feel bad for him i know that i m frustrating him he feels that we start to go down the dd path again and then i dig my heels in and say that s it i can t do this and i know that i do there are the juicy moments of dd where it s easy to go along for the ride and feel turned on by the dynamic itself then there s the in the trenches times in dd where i don t like anything going on i don t like dd i don t like punishment i don t like not having a say in things that i feel are damn worthy of my say and i don t like captain in those moments i realize this all sounds very spoiled and it likely is i don t know how to fix this about myself so is dd for us i don t know i feel that dd shines a very large and clear mirror on a relationship the faults become faultier and the good things have the potential to be so fantastic that it unlocks relationship possibilities that would never have been dreamt of prior to dd so what s bad about us we can t communicate for shit there i will just say it plainly we have a hard time disagreeing in a manner that is loving or respectful both of us opinions escalate and that turns into name calling and threats to end the relationship and other nonsense the reality is that we are best friends and we do love each other so i don t understand why it s so incredibly difficult for us to come to a discussion with different opinions and discuss those opinions amicably the thing is even with dd i want to have my say now i realize that dd means being willing to give up having my way but when it s something very important to me i feel i should at least get to have my say before a final decision is made right or wrong this is the sort of flavor of dd that makes sense to me and to be honest my husband wouldn t want a relationship where he s not challenged with my differing opinion on various matters i know this to be true because he tells me this and he likes my fire and spirit he does want me to go along with his final decision on things but he doesn t want a stepford wife wherein i never have any differing opinions so this is a struggle for us how do we find that balance where we can debate our feelings on various issues without it crossing the line that takes us into dysfunctional communication we ve done counseling in the past and i don t know whether we haven t found the right counselor or the right approach but it hasn t been helpful for us in fact we felt that the money we spent on co pays for the counseling was better spent on date nights where we could connect and have fun sadly finances this past year have been terrible and so date nights are very few and far between i do think our communication improves when we re able to get out and connect more what else is bad this relates back to communication but it seems there s a basic lack of love and respect if you ve heard of the men need respect and women need love ideas then you will understand what i m referring to here the one thing that s part of this whole idea is that women are naturally wired to give love so they don t have to work at that so much with their partners and men are naturally wired to give respect so they don t have to work at that as much well there is so much yuck in our relationship that not only are we not giving the other partner their primary need be it love or respect but we re not even good at giving the secondary need that should be easier and more natural for us to give by default so both respect and love are not being given or received by either party i m not saying never as i said in the prior paragraph we are best friends and we do love each other but on a day to day basis there are constant little instances where both love and respect are neglected this is no foundation for dd because continual lack of love and respect by both parties erodes trust trust is essential for dd so this sounds pretty desperate and hopeless huh but there is good we both love to laugh and have a good time we connect over some of the same silly movies and comedians we are both artists in some sense or another we love to create and imagine we both like to dream and have big ideas for our lives and where we d like to see our family in a few years we are both resilient and determined not personality types to give up on something this fortitude has been wonderful in our marriage we have been through so much together financial distress unexpected job loss vehicle repossession miscarriage infertility for a time multiple moves full time school for one of us a home based business the kind that takes over a home struggling to buy food some months lack of reliable vehicles illness etc and guess what we still believe in life we believe in something good around the next bend we believe that hard work and determination will create a better life even if it s like the movie shawshank redemption where one must crawl through an awful lot of shit first and guess what we re in the shit we ve been in it for the last seven years or so the water has gotten slightly less shitty but there s still more to go through before we can come out the other side but we are at a point where we can at least glimpse the other side from time to time but let me tell you this constant wading and struggling to hold onto that light at the end of the shit is hard on a marriage any marriage be it egalitarian 50 s style dd etc so where does this leave us with dd well hubby told me the other day that he wants to return to dd and i said i d love to discuss that with him but i really need time i ll be honest i don t want to struggle with the dd side of things while i m working through postpartum recovery and all of the physical healing as well as emotional and mental adjustment to a new normal i feel like it would be one more thing that would stress me out and honestly i just want to be during that time i want to rest nurse my new baby help my older kiddos adjust to the new baby lean on captain and be proud of him as he supports the family while i heal what i don t want to do is obsess over where we re at with dd what the current balance of power in our relationship is and how should i have been more submissive today not while i m healing i just don t think i have it in me and i know plenty of my readers do and you are better women than i truly i do want to return to dd but i also feel nervous about it my husband loves me and my family and wants the best for us i have no doubt of that but i also feel that sometimes his decisions are made from what is convenient and easier for him and not truly from a place of taking an honest look at my needs now i don t say that to bash captain i am just saying that s how i feel whether that s a true assessment or not i can t say i can only say that s how i perceive things and this goes back to communication i know we ve never done regular check ins or dates to discuss dd and how we think it s going and i feel without this level of communicating constantly along the way i just can t commit to this i can t give a blank check without lots of opportunities for feedback so i guess where this leaves us i don t really know and that s confusing and i think i ve not only confused myself but possibly anyone who actually reads this long and convoluted post but that s where we ve been i do hope to check in again sooner rather than later and i apologize sincerely for not checking on everyone s blogs i so want to catch up i know i ve missed at least two births that i can think of and i so want to check in with those ladies when i get the chance but i also know that i m on the verge of giving birth literally any minute and it will take me a bit to get back to this and to checking in regularly as i work to find our new normal as a slightly larger family thank you for reading and i sincerely hope that everyone s 2015 is going wonderfully thus far posted by tomsrose at 8 33 pm 7 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels captain domestic discipline life marriage punishment trust ttwd tuesday august 26 2014 questions from little girl autumn and jenelle i would like to post a warning that midway through this post there is mention of 9 11 and the war that follows please use your discretion in whether or not you want to read as i know that can be a sensitive subject especially for those whose loved ones were directly affected many of you are aware that we re in transition around here while capt completed his schooling and passed his licensing exam he couldn t actually work with his license until it was processed by the state well he is finally on the state registry today is his first day of orientation at his job i am very curious to see how things go today as there are some details of his job that we re not sure of yet the kind of details that will impact our plan with moving forward and putting out some form of notice to end my home daycare business and now i m going to answer some questions these are from march q s sorry i guess it s a bit of an understatement to say i got a little off task here little girl asks what attracted you most when you first met aurora asks i m a sucker for love stories so i guess my question would be how did you two meet we met a long time ago in a galaxy far away okay not really but it feels like that i was in junior high and he was in high school we met at church youth group we were really young we became friends slowly but i was not attracted to him at all when i was sixteen years old we started hanging out a bit i needed someone to go rollerblading with and he was into that we d go out and rollerblade around he taught me how to rollerblade down stairs this is not as spectacular as it sounds the ones i was able to do were not very steep but he would catch me at the bottom because i had issues with not falling over once i got to the bottom i was very thick it never dawned on me that he had a crush on me there was never anything sexual about our relationship just friends i gradually started to share more of myself with him my thoughts feelings poetry poor guy put up with your typical poorly written depressive teenage idea of poetry and he always cared what i had to say we were truly best friends in every sense and then i found out from a friend that he had a crush on me i was surprised let me repeat i was pretty thick clueless in fact much like the lead in one of my favorite movies at the time so as much as i knew it would suck i decided to have that conversation with him i told him that i only saw him as a friend and that s all we would ever be and he needed to give it up and move on then he did what any normal person would do he distanced himself for a bit that was awful we were so close at that point that i felt empty when he wasn t around but i definitely wasn t interested have i mentioned that i was thick yet well time came for his prom and he took me as friends that was difficult knowing how he felt i didn t want to lead him on but i also really wanted to go to be honest i don t know exactly when i started to feel differently i always felt this pull towards him but i always thought it was because he was such a great friend at some point the line started to blur and during one of our movie nights at my house the line budged and we found ourselves holding hands that was it it s all so sweet and innocent looking back on it but at the time holding hands was a really big deal to me i would love to say that it was all hearts and flowers from that point on but he was the first person i d dated and he was immediately at a very serious level with our relationship i on the other hand felt afraid of moving too fast being too serious and being too committed so we broke up several times over the next few years i went off to college and dated another guy which drove my husband to the point of madness but you see it was in dating this other guy that i really missed capt i never felt i could be myself with this other guy i was always hiding my innermost self for fear he d find me out and not like me anymore with capt everything was already out in the open he knew who i was completely but because of that things were always bumpier with capt we were always 100 real with one another and sometimes that meant some very hurtful int...
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