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description= Originally a pair of views on gaming, it s now musings by Redbeard on video games (mainly MMOs), board games, RPGs, and other geeky hobbies.;
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tch when they began to bring him out of the deep anesthesia he suffered a stroke it wasn t unusual for that to happen he informed us and they caught it early and were able to administer drugs to control the stroke however he said we ll have to watch him and how he recovers the first thing i noticed was that dad sounded like he was on speed there was absolutely no filter on him at all whatever popped into his head came right out of his mouth it was a completely unrestrained id for all to see the nurses were used to this sort of thing but watching it in action was disheartening he used to listen to soft rock yacht rock so on the way home from the hospital i put on some old sting nothing like the sun and about one or two songs in he told me that s just crap turn it off given that he used to listen to this music for hours on end shocked me but i took it in stride then when i kept him company while my mom got some medication for him he angrily blurted i heard you tell your brother that i m on speed wtf and holy shit i made a mental note to explain things better to my brother and informed my dad that it was more like he didn t have speed bumps your words are just falling all over each other in a rush to come out he grunted and subsided i doubted he suddenly gained control of his id so it was likely he had nothing to say we got him home and the next day my mom informed me that it was a rough night where he was ranting and raving about this and that or how my mom wasn t doing things right or whatever popped into his head i think i should be glad i wasn t there because i might have had trouble being so understanding which would have done nobody any good eventually my dad recovered but he was a changed man he became far more impulsive than ever before and he did lose the ability to write or sign his name some complex concepts were no longer within his grasp and we had to keep an eye on whether he might just up and decide to go somewhere and not tell anyone while he was out in a group but for me those first several days were like watching a nightmare unfolding in real life i realize that the unrestrained id is a kind of terrifying thing to behold the id just absorbs things churns them around tosses in pure volatility and emotion and spews out words or thoughts without consideration of consequences kind of like twitter only worse but we as functioning humans have control over our id and keep it from carpet bombing everything with napalm maybe some have greater control than others but the point is still the same to function in society you have to rein in your worst impulses there s a time and a place for certain discussions don t burn your bridges no you can t have that right now control yourself it s all well and good until something happens and our control is lost like a stroke or dementia and then suddenly all those thoughts that your mind says that s bullshit and you know it and you re not saying that suddenly stand up and cheer and head for the nearest exit your mouth that is what i m terrified of when i had my old man procedure last year i was put in a semi comatose state while the stereotypical rectal probe checked me out the docs may say i was semi comatose but for all intents and purposes i was out like a light when i finally came to the nurse and my wife informed me that i was yammering on and on about checking the mail and whether the mail had come this morning or not i have absolutely no memory of this at all and i don t know why my brain popped that particular thing out of my mouth my wife and the nurse were amused by my performance but i wasn t i mean what if i d said something else such as sharing intimate details of my dating or married life or what i thought of the attractive neighbor next door who had the personality of the wicked witch of the west or what i really thought about some of my ex coworkers or details about private conversations among some of my closest friends online or you get the idea i d like to think that somehow my brain would step in and keep things from getting out of hand but i know better under the right circumstances the best thing for people standing nearby is to put on a raincoat and galoshes because the shit will be flying fast and heavy maybe it s about the image i project or the face i put to the world losing all sense of control and just spewing whatever would be a nightmarish blow to my self image i mean i m not egotistical about it but i do take pride in doing the right thing and presenting an example for others i know i m not perfect oh crap do i know that but i believe in setting a good example for people to follow i can t look my kids in the eye and tell them to do things the right way if i don t try to follow it myself represent is what i said to my kids when they wore clothing with their school name on it you are representing your school whether you like it or not and people will judge others from your school based on your behavior in the same way people will judge me based on how i behave so i try to keep myself under control as much as possible and that loss of control throws that concept out the window so there you have it my greatest fear isn t even fear of heights which i do happen to have but something far more existential in nature i d have likely never even realized it were it not for my dad s experience with a brain tumor but once unleashed that fear can never be quite compartmentalized as much as i d prefer it s like a rogue in a battleground always sneaking along out there and ready to strike when you least expect it yes i still shudder at that part it was benign but rapidly growing so it was very much a good thing that all of it was removed yes everything checked out fine the doc said while i was down there i figured i d check your prostate too and you re okay see you in a decade i could almost hear the snap of the latex gloves on his hands when he said i checked your prostate and shuddered this is a reason why i prefer to not wear clothes with logos or drive a car with bumper stickers or whatnot on them i like the anonymity and i know how people judge others eta fixed a grammatical quirk and a conjunction eta fixed yet another grammatical error sheesh posted by redbeard at 7 00 am 6 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels self newer posts older posts home subscribe to comments atom pages home about parallel context about redbeard contact us azeroth after dark a parallel context companion site mmo podcasts blizzard watch diablo 4 lord of hatred waiting room 3 days ago podcasts massively overpowered massively op podcast episode 563 in the name of the windrose 6 days ago twisted nether blogcast moving to youtube episodes 346 348 3 months ago battle bards the final refrain 1 year ago ootinicast a star wars the old republic swtor podcast ootinicast episode 503 1 year ago mmo blogroll massively overpowered eve vanguard explains its testing methodology feedback and 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