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Text of the page (random words):
t pilinda has an awful bad temper pilinda and i are best friends i met her when i came from a pencil company i know pilinda well i ran past pete i almost caught up with pilinda but as soon as she saw me she sped up sada says so basically a bunch of pissed off pencils are sprinting around a darkened classroom just checking also it has not escaped my attention that these two are named peggy and pete you want to hire me to do your pencil portrait now i know it pilinda was out of breath so she stopped i m really sorry i say that s ok she says i just have been through a lot lately my mother disappeared and my father s gone too but please try not to tell anybody sada says you see what happens when you lose a pencil you tear a family apart just then pete walked up looking real mad are you all right pilinda he asked her yeah but i really need to talk to peggy it s important but i would appreciate it if you went back and told everybody else we re ok pete nodded and started jogging back jogging pencil clip art ftw not that this in any way makes up for the lack of pencils sexing it up also i can t for the life of me figure out why the pencil has fangs twilight must you ruin everything when he was out of sight pilinda started again everyone has been ignoring me lately i feel as if i belong somewhere else she caught her breath i miss my parents and lately i m so sleepy and mad but i feel so awful don t worry i said and started to cry my parents died before i got shipped here i sniffled sada says angst a universal theme in pencil lit oh my goodness pilinda said sadly i m sorry i didn t know that i m really sorry i am i didn t tell anyone because i didn t want any special treatment i admitted that s ok i like you just the way you are peggy pencil pals forever she asked and started to giggle about how dorky that sounded yeah i laughed pencil pals forever sada says aaaaaand that s nearly the same ending as the first story with the disaffected pencils swearing their allegiance to one another pencils so predictable if you weren t already in pencil paradise this story is followed up with some pencil poetry i ll scan this so you can fully appreciate the genius it s an acrostic poem in which the first letter of each line spells the word pencils the l line is my favorite btw but also those letters are themselves made of pencil pencils p erfect writing utensils e rasers at the bottom n eeds to be sharpened when it gets dull c onstructed out of wood i n them is lead l ike pens s harp pencils are best sada says in them is actually graphite but i guess i shouldn t quibble with a fifth grader in the book s final installment genie gets post apocalyptic on our asses if i had the last pencil in the world i would write if i had the last pencil in the world i would write sada says the next section is handwritten in pencil i know that seems like a no brainer in a book called pencil tales but the rest of it was typed perhaps to better impart the seriousness of this message scrawled by the world s lone pencil november 14 2059 i know that in a few hundred years someone will find this and wonder what a pencil was pencils were things used for writing they are made of wood and lead i am using a pencil to write this right now trees have wood in them i have heard from my grandmother who lived in the 90 s when she was a little girl at her school and in the whole state was celebrating earth day sada says grammar and punctuation have degenerated by 2059 also trees have wood in them earth day was a time to think about our earth how to save it at my grandmother s school they gave out seedlings to everyone the purpose was to have 500 children plant them to provide more oxygen for us more wood etc earth day also encouraged people to recycle obviously no one did or there would be a much better earth today this pencil is about to brea k by aria kawildon sada says the final bit was in pen which we all know is like pencil because the last pencil in the world couldn t stand to write another word about the farce that was earth day and apparently the last pencil sharpener in the world bit the dust first here s my question what kind of damage would we need to do in the next 49 years in order for a fifth grader to wind up with possession of the world s last pencil man we better start recycling next time what is quite possibly the storytelling est picture of all time it contains an exercise montage and a third grader with cleavage posted by sada at 12 27 pm 29 comments labels 3rd grade 5th grade death fighting guest author inanimate objects coming to life poetry running away wednesday may 12 2010 anatomically incorrect as an elementary schooler i loved to draw girls i loved to draw girls my magic markers and i had a pretty rigid no boys allowed policy there were several reasons for this boys grody okay okay so hating boys was just a front really i loooooooved the boys but sometimes a girl has to save face in front of her usa co crushers because i was so accustomed to drawing girls on the rare occasion that i did try to conjure the male form dude usually ended up looking like a lady even when i managed to sketch a passably boyish boy he d end up looking like this bo bo on top of drawing them it seems i had a problem naming boys too bo bo here i don t even want to hazard a guess as to how that s short for timothy lest my gray matter implode may be wearing super cool sneaks and a mildly obscene sweater don t try to tell me that dog isn t exposing itself to me but you guys where is his crotch where is bo bo s crotch wherever it is i hope his forehead is there too if there s an opposite of the tyra banks fivehead then our pal bo bo has it one and a half head and on top of that literally i gave him a three stooges haircut i was not doing bo bo any favors but this was not an isolated incident take a look at some more boy wreckage no that s not a fat suit yes i know it looks like one jimmy ray is all bo bo i see your vacant stare and hillbilly moniker and i motherfucking raise you also i submit that the only way jimmy ray could be more froglike is if he changed his name to friggin kermit and come to think of it that might be an improvement but you say maybe we should take the boy out of the sweatpants ew and find out what a cool guy would look like well you asked for it the face of cool no that s not lipstick shut up he s just a pretty boy i mean the only thing that could make him cooler is a half shirt brief aside my sister i used to coerce our mother into making us paper dolls drawn to our precise specifications and one of them was a hot boy named chris because chris was my go to cool boy name circa 1988 who s wearing a motherloving half shirt think i m joking dude i don t joke about half shirts well not this time anyway but back to a tanner once again we have a boy with lifeless orphan annie eyes once again he has a bizarrely shortened midsection that makes me question his ability to digest food sans medical intervention and once again his name is printed with an enormous lack of subtlety across his clothing though i think that s justified in jimmy ray s case he looks like the type who d forget his own name so just what makes a tanner one and a half head and shoulders above the rest two things and no his stylish baby blue smock isn t one of them the hair behold the magnificently spiky hair the earring a sparkling beacon of awesome in a sea of otherwise humdrum earlobes yes men with solo earrings were so widespread in 1986 that i felt comfortable co opting this look for a third grader but there were very strict guidelines for male ear piercing in the 80s the golden rule was this if the earring was in the left ear the guy was straight if it was in the right ear he was gay gay a thousand times gay because in the 80s sexual preference had to do with which earlobe a dude punctured not which gender he wanted to put his penis in and god for freaking bid someone might think you wanted to make out with another dude so because aaron tanner was the cutest most heterosexualest boy in town he had his earring in the oh fudge the right and simultaneously wrong earlobe but hey this wasn t exactly a science right george michael earring in the left ear straight image found here i rest my case anyone care to google chad allen s earlobes next time if pencils could talk apparently they d be quite cynical posted by sada at 11 06 am 21 comments labels 3rd grade every picture tells a story fashion homophobia illustrated monday april 26 2010 show me the bunny you know how when you were a kid having a favorite animal was a really big deal and every time you d be at a carnival or a gift shop or carlton cards at the mall you d pester your mom into letting you buy a miniature version of that animal and you d keep the entire collection on your bedroom wall in a wooden curio shelf shaped like a house well for me that animal was the rabbit for full effect imagine this filled with tiny tacky bunnies so obviously when we had to write an animal report in third grade i chose to research rabbits i enigmatically titled the report rabbits breeds of rabbits and other things about them the report s cover rabbit note those are paws not a pair of saggy bunny boobs this report was chock full of information did you know that rabbits aren t rodents because rodents have two pairs of front teeth whereas rabbits have only one or that rabbits differ from hares because rabbits give birth to ugly hairless little creatures with closed eyes while hares have attractive furry newborns that can see on the other hand i may have included a bit too much information one of the other things i felt it necessary to over share about rabbits if they eat too many greens they will get diarrhea seriously this report has the word diarrhea in it a large part of the reason for my bunny love was that my sister and i were the proud owners of our own big toothed boxes of hair realistically owning rabbits should have made us despise them our rabbits unconventionally named bun bun and cottontail seemed to fear for their lives whenever we got within 10 feet of them and would use any means necessary to avoid human contact this made the normal things you do with a pet like i don t know petting them exceedingly difficult me in a dress straight outta oleson s mercantile cottontail that damn bun bun was next to impossible to catch and my sister because this report was about breeds of rabbit and other things about them i note that cottontail is probably dutch as you can tell it was an extremely scientific report it also has illustrations on the right way to hold a rabbit you can see i was used to rabbits expressing abject terror when handled and the wrong way to hold a rabbit which i noted as my preferred method whatever professionals most books don t say to hold them this way but i do anyway then i compare the angora and dutch rabbit breeds third grade conclusion angoras and dutches are very different if you were wondering i got an a on this project 32 year old conclusion i could make a killing ghostwriting reports for third graders here s the angora and here s the dutch but what does all of this rabbitry have to do with my burgeoning writing career well learning about the different rabbit breeds inspired me to draft a book about animals anthropomorphic animals very fashionable hip and emotional anthropomorphic animals chapter 1 bunnies and don t get your hopes up there is no chapter 2 first stop on our tour de rabbit breeds is the cottontail cottontail was not just the name of our pet rabbit it s also a breed kind of like how cy sperling s not just the president of the hair club for men he s also a client for comparative purposes here s a photo of a real life cottontail rabbit image found here and here s my version cool carrie cottontail because even when i drew a friggin rabbit it ended up looking like a prostitute you can see that the actual factual cottontail rabbit has neither a pig snout false eyelashes nor fishnet stockings hell it doesn t even have high heels or little ribbons on its ears however the jury s still out on its ability to duplicate choreography from saturday night fever next we have my version of the dutch rabbit image found here dancing denise dutch oh the alliteration looks less like a sex worker and more like a reject from breakin 2 bunny bugaloo out of my way fools there are rec centers to be saved with break dancing is it just her markings or is denise wearing some sort of facial sling maybe her jaw was breakin also zing but i stick by my theory that she has on fingerless gloves and fashionably holey tights and maybe a prison issued muumuu but my favorite here is the angora which once again in actuality looks like this image found here mine on the other hand that d be angry amy angora yeah amy once again with a pig nose though i owned a rabbit i seem to have had no idea what their little sniffers looked like is pouting huffily in a chair meanwhile she has scrawled i hate you sincerely amy on the ground man i wonder what passive aggressive paula patagonian would have looked like next time why i never drew boys before i end this i d like to give a big thank you to everyone who has been following 30 is the new 13 in spite of my spotty updating chronic arm pain and blogging don t really mix but what can i say i m a rebel a very sore armed rebel also i know about 800 of you or maybe five are waiting to be guest authors and i want you to know i haven t forgotten you i m planning to have some guest author posts up soon although considering my recent record soon may be a subjective term i ll do my best posted by sada at 11 21 pm 21 comments labels 3rd grade animals books that never were every picture tells a story fashion illustrated photos thursday april 8 2010 no boy bands allowed do we have to talk about how long i ve been gone i ve been gone a long time a long looooong time the past two months were unexpectedly busy but now it looks like i will just as unexpectedly have a lot more time on my hands this is probably bad news for my bank account but hopefully good news for the blog so yay this installment of every picture tells a story was probably drawn during the height of my obsession with wanting to form a band third grade fourth grade did i ever stop want to form a band do i still want to form a band even though i would now be in the 26th grade the answers are probably maybe definitely not and oh hells yes respectively behold the titular girls of girls only a band whose members sky rocketed to fame after they adopted questionable pseudonyms and started rocking malls across the u s of a where to start how about the band s obvious leader sax o and if you don t think a saxophone player could be the key component to a band you clearly do not remember the 80s wherein there was at least one gratuitous sax solo in every song sometimes two i think reagan may have signed it into law at some point what i m saying is the 80s they were saxy li...